Monday, September 17, 2007

Potent and Impotent

How's everyone? I've been busy trying to find something to write about but so far the pickings are slim. Apparently the decision to make Officer Mort Allgay Interim Police Chief was the worst possible scenario for the future of this particular publication. He's kept the department in tip top shape, which is a pity for our subscribers because now we're forced to bribe people with chocolate to come to this website.

As you may have noticed, we did run a story in which we referred to the Police Chief still as Jimmy Kingston. The truth is we will probably continue to do so, only because we find Kingston to be a much more colorful fellow than Allgay. So in the fictional Broken Springs, we like to think - as some of our FOJ friends already do - that Jim Kingston will always be Chief to us.

I'm so glad that the Streetscrape Project was completed, as promised, before the start of the fair one month ago. I've almost forgotten what color those orange barrels were that littered our town.

Three cheers for Streetscrape! Did former Mayor Jan Chaddwich have a wonderful idea or what? The weeds in the median give our quaint little village a prairie look. The medians narrowed our roads so that anything wider than a motorcycle cannot pass through. And those bump outs...! Won't those be the perfect speed bumps for Adventist drivers speeding through town and rolling through our stop signs? The generic looking street lamps look like they've come straight out of a knockoff Norman Rockwell painting. And the clincher... as if all that were not enough... is the backwards facing benches. Tell me, have you ever seen anything more... well, backwards? All the other towns are sure to get jealous and imitate us, at which point, we can simply flip the benches around and be the only normal town in Broken County. What a genius idea. I dunno about you but I'd much rather watch a man with a beard full of scrambled eggs eat breakfast than watch the dozens of cars speeding past to get out of our God forsaken town as fast as they can.

Three cheers for Jan Chaddwich's Streetscrape Project! Why we didn't spend $800,000 of our hard earned tax dollars sooner to tear up our streets and detour traffic for half a year is beyond me.

There is good news in Broken Township, where Daniel Shame still reigns as Garbarge Cop, defending our streets against litter and debris, which threaten our very existence. The biggest problem Broken Township has to worry about is litter and debris on private property owners land. Even an automobile repair shop was cited for their unrunning vehicles. Are you kidding? Next thing you know, they'll be citing a junk man for his junk. Oh wait, they've already done that. When it comes to ugliness that is litter and debris, I say what's the use of hiding it? It's like an 80 year old getting a face lift.

If the inside is rotten, why pretend the outside isn't?

Some of you may remember the Jeremiah story about the man who loved his daughter so much he couldn't keep his hands off her. I'm happy to report that Jeremiah, despite passing the lie detector test Jim Kingston arranged for him, is behind bars and no longer a threat to little Kaylee.

Perhaps there is justice in the world after all.

Until next time, downward and in a spiral....

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