Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Lights Out on Christmas Decorations

Broken Springs residents have until January 1st to remove all of their outside Christmas decorations, according to a new ordinance passed by the Village Council this Tuesday night. The ordinance, which goes into effect January 2nd gives residents an opportunity to remove potential blight ordinance violations before being cited by blight inspector Daniel Shame.

The new ordinance, which includes inflatable Santas, oversized snow globes, artificial reindeer (with or without red noses) and all Christmas lights, was passed 7-0 after being motioned by Village President Jan Chaddwick, and seconded by Mrs. Chaddwick, Steve, a trustee on the council.

“The Christmas spirit is all about love and kindness, and Christmas decorations symbolize those sentiments, but what Broken Springs residents must realize is that the spirit of love and kindness isn’t intended to extend beyond the Christmas season, especially not here in Broken Springs,” explained Mayor Chaddwick.

Inside sources tell us that Blight Inspector and part time bow hunter Daniel Shame has already compiled a record of potential violators inside the village. He’s making a list (and checking it twice) to find out who intends to be naughty or nice concerning the new rule, and despite his reputation for being a big softie, Daniel Shame insists that he will lay down the law with an iron fist.

“I take my job seriously,” he tells NFBS. “The village council has entrusted me to keep Broken Springs looking as much like St. Joe as possible, without the beach, pier, historical downtown, and nice houses, of course. If I do a good job, Broken Springs will benefit, and so will I because I have a bonus clause in my contract. If conditions improve under my watch, I get a pair of elevator shoes of my choosing.”

The ordinance is expected to come under scrutiny from a group of buttinskis who enjoy running afoul of the law. The perpetually pregnant Bonii Didjaseedat has notified both the Supreme Court and the White House over the violation of her ‘white trash right to leave Christmas lights up year round.’ And she intends to appeal the ordinance at the local level as well.

Ordinance violators wll be fined $25 per light/decoration.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Baby Jesus Recovered

When Dan Fairbanks, pastor at the Village Seventh Day Adventurer Church, checked his congregation’s nativity scene Christmas Eve morning, what he found was the most disturbing image of his life. In the manger belonging to Baby Jesus, instead of Jesus, he found a six pack of Budweiser, three of them emptied.

“Not only had the thieving bastards stolen poor Baby Jesus, but they left beverages of the devil behind in His place,” said Fairbanks soon after the incident.

Fairbanks, who has lived in Broken Springs all of his life, called his good friend and police chief Jim Kingston, to report the missing messiah.

“Dan was a mess,” says Kingston. “I’m not pointing fingers, but by the time I got there, all the cans of beer were empty. We immediately put out an APB on the Baby Jesus. I put all my men on it. I gave Dan my word that Jesus would be back in his manger no later than 1200 hours.”

But the Broken Springs Police, assisted by a group of 20 concerned citizens armed with shotguns and bow and arrows, had no idea where to look for a stolen nativity figure, let alone one so small as a little baby.

One officer thought he found God’s son in the Village Easyware store, but it turns out that he only found an exact replica of the nativity figurine. The only way store manager Darren Gent could prove that his Jesus wasn’t the missing Jesus was by pointing to the $24.95 price tag on Jesus’s bum. Mr. Gent thought of offering his Jesus to the nativity scene if the original wasn’t recovered, but he donated a plastic Santa instead, since he had a surplus of those and unfortunately he was down to his last Baby Jesus.

But the original Jesus was, in fact, recovered, in a pasture north of town, huddled with a nurturing cow, whom residents have dubbed “Mary Moo Moo.” Initially on the scene, several policemen faced udder confusion on just how the cow ended up with the sacred baby.

The farmer at the residence had no idea how Baby Jesus landed with his cows, but Chief Kingston suspects that He was probably lofted from a car window as the intoxicated thieves drove by. He added that the six pack of Budweiser was being tested for fingerprints, and that the Jesus Thieves would not escape justice.

On Christmas morning, the recovered Messiah was returned to the Village SDA Church in an elaborate ceremony that also celebrated His birth. As the choir sang “Joy to the World,” the Baby Jesus was rightfully returned to His manger.

But what’s to prevent the Baby Jesus from being stolen again, many BS residents wondered.

Chief Kingston shook off all doubt. “As long as I’m Police Chief, the Baby Jesus will never be stolen again,” he said.

“How can you be so sure?’ we asked.

The Chief answered, “Because we’ve nailed Him down!”

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through Broken Springs
We were waiting for the goodies that Jim always brings.

The night air was foggy but the weather was fair,
We expected our gifts from Christmas Care Bear.

While waiting we nestled, right next to the fire
Our temperatures were rising, higher and higher.

Erlene in her teddy, and I in the buff,
On the way to the bedroom I chased after her muff.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my stiffy and poor Erlie went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Opened the shade while she played with herself.

When what should appear from out of the fog
But a rusty old squad car pulled by a police dog.

With a lanky little driver with a foot made of lead
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

“He’s here,” I announced as I put on some clothes.
Erline’s spread on the pillow, striking a pose.

“Make yourself decent,” I told her outright
“He only delivers that on Saturday night.”

Clipping the lamp post, which was already dim
Our visitor was none other than Jolly Ole Jim.

He slid past the fence, the tree got a rub,
Jim leaned out and puked in the hot tub.

From near the fire hydrant we heard such a clatter,
K9 Durango now emptied his bladder.

In case it wasn’t Jim, I gave my shotgun a pump
When down the chimney he came with a thump.

His uniform stank awful with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said petting his pup,
"The dog‘s quite pooped and I‘m all drunked up."

He walked to the kitchen and poured a stiff drink,
Then whipped out his nightstick and peed in the sink.

I started to chuckle, my wife smiled with glee,
Jolly Ole Jim was hung down to his knee.

Three Beam and Cokes later, Jim combed his gray hair,
Slurred out that he came for Christmas Care Bear.

Back in the den, Jim reached in his sack,
The kids toys were gone, but some new things were

The first thing he found was a pair of false titties,
The next was a toy to scratch itching kitties.

A box filled with condoms was Jimbo’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a pecker extension,
And several other things we can’t even mention.

Hand cuffs, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

He unpacked the toys and said with a tear,
“I’m afraid we’re all out of pretzels and beer.”

“That’s quite all right,” said the wifey and me.
“I’ll take the rubbers and she’ll take the weenie.”

He filled our two stockings and then started to leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

We gave Jolly Ole Jim our heartfelt thanks
And told him not to cash any checks in the banks.

He sprang to his squad car, but his feet were like lead,
So he fell on his bum and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, adjusted his mirror,
Saying, "Take me home Durango, and watch for the deer!"

The car was almost gone when we heard Jimbo shout,
"The best thing about charity is that it never runs out!"

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Kingston’s Charity Climaxes

Despite local criticism and a state police investigation into shoddy bookkeeping practices, Police Chief Jim Kingston’s local charity, Christmas Care Bear has had a record year in donations.

Operation Christmas Care Bear had come under attack from local buttinskis claiming that Kingston was pocketing cash donations and using the money to finance his gambling and hooker addictions. But an investigation into the matter found no wrongdoing by Kingston since no ledger turned over to the state police had any mention of any such gambling or hooker deductions. Once word passed that Kingston was an honest man after all, Christmas Care Bear donations tripled, according to the Broken Springs Chamber of Commerce President, Scott Mormon.

“In fact, we’ve had people specifically request Kingston pick up their donations personally, particularly women, just after their husbands leave for work,” says Mormon. “We’ve had so many requests like this, Chief Kingston is now planning his schedule around these visits, making sure, of course, that he’s out of uniform when performing his charitable duties.”

Mormon is referring to the recent statute passed by the Police Commission requiring Christmas Care Bear to be completely separated from the Broken Springs Police Department. If Kingston was accepting donations while in uniform, it would be a violation of this statute. To be sure, we at NFBS questioned one woman whose donation was quite large, as it took three and a half hours of the Chief’s time to accept her goodwill as we sat across the street to witness the transaction. Once he pulled out of her driveway, walking a bit funny and looking flustered, we knocked on her door for several minutes before she answered. She dragged herself to the door with messy hair and smeared lipstick, then invited us in for coffee.

Ms. Jackson answered our questions on the condition that she remain anonymous. When asked if Chief Kingston was in uniform when he accepted her donation, she said with authority, “He was most definitely NOT in his uniform.” So it appears that Kingston is following the rules after all.

So far the charity’s largest individual donation has come from the hands of a local satirist, who donated $495 worth of toys to the cause. Unfortunately she interpreted Christmas Care Bear’s call for ‘any and all toys’ to include sex toys, and as a result, 31 vibrators, 22 butt plugs, 10 leather whips, and two sets of anal beads were returned to her. Kingston kept the set of lined handcuffs, however, for his own personal use, which we can only guess he’ll use on some young harlot in Broken Springs’s red-light district as she assumes the position.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Potent and Impotent

A big shout out to Sharon Alexander for her recent free advertising in the Herald Republican’s Letters to the Editor. For those who might’ve missed it, Ms. Alexander was referring to Troublemaker Boob’s BSU Reader Blog, but since she called it “satirical garbage,” “atrocious,” “blatant and shameful,” and “a slap in the face to the men who serve this community,” we think she meant us as well. Oh, we almost forgot “obscene,” which reminds me… where’d I put those naked pictures of Jim Kingston?

Locals will have no doubt heard about the cougar on the loose in Broken Springs. There have been many sightings already. Just yesterday a flesh eating beast was seen entering the police station on all fours, carrying a badge and gun. But that turned out to be a false alarm. The cougar, they say, doesn’t have so much hair on his back.

Residents are advised to shoot on sight any trespassing dangerous animal snooping around their livestock, unless of course it’s Daniel Shame inspecting a blight ordinance violation.

After waiting all year to get here, Winter has finally arrived in Broken Springs. He’s brought with him his gay lover, Snow. Snow loves to be blown by older men in their driveways, day in and day out. Snow also has this tendency to land in a big pile across from the post office, hindering one’s ability to see down Main street. Be advised. Snow is planning to stay in Broken Springs, along with his butt buddy Winter, until early next Spring.

Thank you, Broken Springs Cop (you know who you are) who called this site “funny.” Your sense of humor is greatly appreciated and if you ever have any ideas for articles, don’t hesitate to send them along. Don’t worry. I won’t tell the Chief if you don’t.

And now for a Christmas themed joke sent in by another of our regular readers:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter told him, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

Until next time, downward and sideways!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Kingston crusaders should give up free speech


Barbara KaLay’s recent letter to the editor about Broken Springs Chief Jim Kingston, which criticized his handling of the Christmas Care Bear charity and donations for the inevitable Tasers, was so much of a disgrace, I vomited a little in my mouth when I read it. Doesn’t she read all the letters to the editor that declare Kingston the next Lord and Savior?

If a citizen were accused, investigated, and cleared because nothing can be proven against them due to poor record keeping, the police would be chastised if they continue to harass an innocent person. Doesn’t Chief Kingston deserve the same respect of his citizens? Shouldn’t they stop trying to nail him to the cross every time he jaywalks? Why do KaLay and others continue to dwell on issues that have been swept under the rug so effectively?

Moreover, KaLay preaches from her pulpit that residents would be at all interested in hearing what she and others like her have to say. She encourages residents to follow all the scandals on a website called the Underground Reader Blog, which is a blatantly shameful website that actually spouts off devilish commentary on our sacred police department. No one should have the right to write and/or read such shameful garbage, even if we do live in America. There ought to be limits to freedom, just like our beloved President says.

This is not news. It’s a slap in the face to the men who protect and serve our community. The author(s) of these writings will drape themselves in the first amendment, but just because they have the freedom of speech doesn’t give them the freedom to be meanies.

Our officers put their lives and waistlines on the line from heinous criminals and jelly doughnuts. Just this week, a person was recklessly shooting a semi automatic weapon out of his car window while toking on a joint on his way to the elementary school playground where he planned to sell our youngsters three liters of crack cocaine. Luckily he was in a near fatal accident near Banana Valley when an Indonesian driver pulled out in front of him. Our officers had the responsibility of responding to the rescue of this individual, administering CPR while performing the Heimlich Maneuver (he swallowed his joint), after implementing the Jaws of Life to remove him from his vehicle, which moments later exploded into a billion pieces.

KaLay should be ashamed for advocating the freedom of speech on this and other obscene, satirical websites that maliciously ridicule and embarrass the Chief and his servants. I hereby call for the boycott of all atrocious, obscene, unfunny, offensive, bashing, shameful, satirical, insulting, embarrassing, and juvenile expressions of opinion on websites.

Perhaps KaLay’s time would be better spent doing charity work or fundraising, perhaps for Operation Christmas Care Bear or some other very worthwhile cause, instead of promoting the very dangerous, radical idea that anyone ought to be able to express themselves freely and without consequence.

Sharon Alexander

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

It’s an Honor to Honor the Honorable Chief Kingston

Dear Editor,

I was thrilled as a pig in poop to read the article about the Broken Springs Opportunists naming the Police Chief “Servile of the Century.” There are still a few half witted people in Broken Springs who appreciate everything Chief Kingston has done for us, from illegally cashing Taser checks, to using the illegal Bionic Ear, not including the use of that wonderful N word in a public restaurant, and let’s not forget his failure to register Operation Christmas Care Bear with the State of Michigan, as is required by law. He has earned this award and more. I recommend we all go out and buy him twenty dollars worth of scratch off tickets.

I have known Chief Kingston since my days working the street corner at Slugs Drugs (1985-1992) and there was nothing he would not do to you.

Paragraph five of the Opportunist’s declaration declares that Chief Kingston “is truly, honestly, genuinely, absolutely no doubt about it in the word an outstanding specimen of a human being, later to be studied in labs by scientists in search of the perfect man. We are proud to say that we know him intimately and hold him in the highest regard, because he’s a homegrown boy made good, keeping out the outsiders, with the help of his insiders.”

That honor is very well deserved, and it is an honor to honor the Chief, who so honorably protects our honorable community, or at least the honorable people who honor him.

Very honorably yours,
Noel Schmiter

Monday, December 12, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Apparently it’s Casual Monday. Everyone’s wearing long johns and sweatshirts.

The crowd and the Commission are both early, except for Bonii Didyaseedat, who’s always late, and will probably be late to her own funeral, if the Chief has anything to say about it.

Chairman Hildecrust comments that the clocks, like his fellow commissioners, are slow, and he calls the meeting to order at the official time of 6:58 P.M.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick makes a motion to accept the minutes of the last meeting before anyone has time to read them, before I’m even done writing this down.

Our cops ran up $62,000 in bills this month. Times are tough all over. Heating, gas, and hookers have all raised their prices in this frigid temperature. But vehicle expenses have been low, according to the Chief. Did I say hookers before? I meant the electric company.

In old business, a woman was hired to work part time for $8 an hour on the weekends at the police station. The application of Yours Truly was dutifully ignored, but the other girl is probably better qualified. I can type 60 wpm and do data entry, but her boobs are probably bigger than mine.

In new business (which is really just the same old business repeated), Kingston makes a request for loads of money, for an assortment of things, most notably a new squad car to replace the old green beater he hauls around town. Jim proposes getting a new one pronto because after the first of the year, the price will go up on a new Chevy Impala. As it is now, with the Police Commission’s blessing, he could get one for $17,764. He crosses his fingers and waits for their approval, which used to be a sure thing.

But Ernie repeats his “three car mantra,” which, for your recollection, goes something like this:
“We should get back down to three cars because that’s what we started with. It would be a good way to save money we so desperately need for all the other things you’re requesting at the last minute of this fiscal year.”

Curly Headed Sandy says we should get the car anyway.

Phil Ruse is opposed to spending the extra money.

Kingston regroups, shakes off the disapproval. He is down in the count 0-2 but is confident that he can still put his bat on the ball, but only if he pulls out the big guns. He mentions officer safety and how a new car is necessary to keep our loyal, hardworking, underappreciated, devoted officers out of harms way.

The Commission is unusually silent, totaling a period of about three seconds, before Hildecrust says, “Even with three cars, the officers will be safe.” Chalk it up to a strikeout swinging. The commission agrees that they should come back to the issue after discussing the second request.

We also need loads of money to replace the computer system and internet server in the police station, because in the last month, our server blew up to the extent that the fire department had to come out to extinguish the flames. There is also a need for an update of software, not CLUE but TIPS. The state is changing their requirements and need local reports to be sent in daily. Also, the station needs to break into the 20th Century and get broadband internet service, dropping quantum because the latter is too slow and expensive. DSL is the way to go, especially since the department has an extra burden of checking all those anti-Kingston blogs that keep popping up. DSL will cost the department $164.95 a month, according to their quotes.

At this time, the sit in attorney (Attorney Amnesia is absent) can be heard cracking open a can of Michelob Light. That is the most noise he makes all night, except for in the secret meeting later.

Apparently the computer system upgrade will not cost us all that much because we’ve conveniently found about $16-17,000 underneath the couch cushions in the lounge. Oh, and we cashed in our Speedy Reward points.

Bob Frugal asks if we’re thinking about getting laptops for the officers to carry in their cars. Kingston said it is a dream of theirs. Oh, I bet it is. The thought of surfing and is just too much of a fantasy right now for some of them.

The Commission, unusually unwilling to spend even a dime this month, asks for two more bids to consider before okaying the request.

This month, Broken Springs was a graveyard for stolen vehicles. We had three end up in our area, for some reason. Perhaps while driving through Broken Springs, a car thief suddenly has a change of heart and dumps his loot. Or maybe they start reading the local papers and get so caught up in all the archery, charity, and taser funds stories, they forget entirely that they’ve stolen a car and are traveling through the town. Either way, we end up with all these found on the road, dead cars and then they end up in our own Vehicular Graveyard, better known as the backyard of the Public Safety Building, until they’re eventually blown up or welded apart by our volunteer firefighters practicing using the jaws of life.

These dangerous cars reflects the criminal activity that Kingston and his boys must protect us from, however. The Chief takes this opportunity to make it known to the commission and audience members that the presence of three stolen vehicles is proof positive that crime is on the rise.

So beware, all you car thieves out there. You may not catch you, but we will definitely catch your stolen cars!

Next begins a discussion about how Mort Allgay has requested a day off after his anniversary. I’m still unclear whether his anniversary is his actual matrimonial anniversary or the time that he signed a contract with the department. If it’s the latter, I think he not only deserves a day off, but a little TLC as well. Maybe a foot massage. Maybe even a little fellatio to show our appreciation, if he’s been very very good. Would it be so hard for the commissioners to give him at least this much? They supply Kingston a lifetime worth of it, in a matter of speaking. But for a lowly copper like Allgay, they were not biting, or blowing, or anything other than shooting it down before he could even, metaphorically, unzip his pants.

Kingston, resilient as ever, insists that Mort isn’t asking to take a personal day, just a day to do what he loves doing, with children, boy scouts no less. In other words, Kingston goes to bat for Allgay, despite the fact that Allgay wants his job, at least according to a NFBS informant known only as White Throat.

But Ernie’s fastball is too quick for Kingston to get around on. He says that the commission shouldn’t break the contract because what you do for one, you’ll have to do for all. Phil Ruse asks Kingston if he brought Allgay’s written request, but Kingston said it was on his desk next to various Taser money donations. Ernie, who hates to be a stickler, has his second strikeout of the evening, as the request dies for lack of support.

Possibly related to this outcome, Jim Kingston turns redder than Chief Sitting Bull after he’s stayed out in the sun too long. If you look closely, you can see wisps of smoke billowing out of his nostrils.

This year’s audit will be cheaper than last year. The commission votes to pay someone four thousand dollars not find anything wrong with Operation Christmas Care Bear.

In the strangest move of the evening, the budget passes 4-1, with the one opposing vote being Curly Headed Sandy, who - for the first time in the history of Broken Springs - voted differently than Jan Chaddwick. It’s unclear whether or not Sandy is quite feeling herself, or was mad that Jan didn’t bring up a vote on Allgay’s vacation day.

In the anticlimactic ending to the meeting, Commission Chairman Hildecrust informs his fellow commissioners that he is calling a special closed session meeting to discuss the problems with the Chief over the last year. It’s a closed session meeting, obviously, because they don’t want pesky local bloggers offering their own commentary on the many potential embarrassing things that may or may not be said. Unfortunately Curly Headed Sandy, who is still fuming about who knows what exactly, cannot make the meeting on December 16th, but she assures Ernie that she’ll do what she can to be there anyway. That’s dedication, folks.

The meeting was adjourned at 7:45, with a “Merry Christmas” from the Commission, who blatantly ignored the Jewish audience members altogether.

Well, NFBS would like to now apologize to all the Jews for the Commission’s rude behavior and extend a “Happy Holidays” to everyone for whatever crazy holiday you all celebrate. There will of course be other entries before Christmas, many Christmas themed, hopefully. But consider this an early greeting, like those Salvation Army people give at Walmart, only I don’t want your money.

Meeting postscript:
There was a meeting after the meeting in the small little room in the corner of the Township building. It lasted for an hour and was - as far as this reporter could tell - consisting of Chaddwick, Hildecrust, and the sit in lawyer. But of course, there’s always the possibility that they were just all playing Scrabble.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Truth is Funnier than Fiction

SAN FRANCISCO-A parody video that features uniformed and plainclothes San Francisco police officers and racist and sexist stereotypes has led to the suspension of at least 20 police. Police Chief Heather Fong called the videos “egregious, shameful and despicable.”

She forgot to mention funny. Then again, so few official types possess a sense of humor.

"This is a dark day - an extremely dark day - in the history of the San Francisco Police Department, for me as a chief to have to stand here and share with you such egregious, shameful and despicable acts by members of the San Francisco Police Department," Police Chief Heather Fong told reporters.

I, like Police Chief Heather Fong, possess a vagina and rounded boobies (I’m assuming), but why is it that females in particular are always so offended, so livid at obvious attempts of satire? Yes, Lieutenant Labia, it’s politically incorrect. That’s what makes it funny. I know that San Francisco is supposed to be the most liberal city in America, but since when don't liberals like the freedom of speech? There's a reason it's the first amendment.

Click here for the full story and here to see the actual video for yourself. Here is another clip of the video, and this is a very in depth report, including footage of the true clowns at press conferences.

This would be like if the Broken Springs authorities tried to shut down this satire site, but I’m in no way comparing these crazy ramblings to the authentic social commentary depicted in the San Fran Policeman’s videos. And for those of you who say it can’t happen here…

Oddly enough, this story comes on an anniversary of sorts. Two years ago today was “You have the right to remain silent” and “Are you proud that you shave down there?” It happened right here in our quaint little town.

To any Broken Springs officer who may or may not be reading…
If you make a video parodying your city and co-workers, I will put it online free of charge. And I’ll give you a big hug. And a kiss… on the cheek.

No, not that cheek.

Proving that December 8th is just a pay dirt sort of day, this story comes out of Hamtramck, Michigan…

A police officer has been charged with using a Taser on his partner during an argument over whether they should stop for a soft drink.

I said pull over now, darn it, I’m craving a Dr. Pepper.

I sure do hope the writers of Reno 911 are paying attention.


Oh, stop the madness. Shallow Throat cannot possibly keep up!

In FRANKLIN, Ohio, A 68-year-old woman was hit with a Taser gun by police five sadistic times, and the whole thing was caught on tape.

Grandma, step away from the hair curlers!

Just in case you haven't had your fill of taser videos, there is a video of the 68 year old menace to society in the right hand margin.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

In Defense of Jim Kingston

Dear Editor:

For several months now I have watched that bilious buffoon Troublemaker Bob and his bumptious band of buttinskis attempt to sully the good name of my dear friend, our beloved local police chief Jim Kingston. My frustration level has increased steadily week by week as I patiently waited for Jim to refute the scurrilous charges that have been shamelessly leveled against him by those nattering ninnies of negativity.

On more than one occasion I have strongly urged Jim to vigorously defend himself. However, Jim believes that if he responded directly to these baseless accusations, it would accomplish nothing. In Jim's opinion, his accusers are not interested in the truth, they are only looking for any scrap of so-called "evidence" to pillory him with, so anything he said would be twisted out of context in an attempt to indict him. Furthermore, Jim is not only a decent, good looking, compassionate, God-fearing family man: he is also a very modest man. Accordingly, Jim is concerned that if he disclosed all of the exculpatory facts, some people might interpret this as engaging in self-promotion. That is silly, because anyone who knows Jim like I do knows that self-promotion is something he would never ever do.

Unfortunately, Jim's mind is made up: he is not going to dignify the baseless accusations leveled by Troublemaker Bob and his group of unprincipled utopians by responding to them. As a result, I have taken it upon myself to set the record straight. Together, we can focus the unblinking eye of reality on the baseless accusations that have been lodged against Jim, and prove that Jim hasn't actually done anything wrong.

First, there is the overblown check-cashing incident. Yes, Jim cashed the checks made out to the local Police Department, and yes, he took the money and kept it on his desk. However, there is nothing remotely underhanded about his actions: that money rightfully belonged to Jim. You see, when Jim began advocating acquiring Tasers for his department, he just assumed that the Police Commission would give him everything he asked for, just like they have always done. Accordingly, Jim went out and purchased Tasers for the department with his own money, intending to get reimbursed for it later from the contributions he was soliciting. That is why Jim cashed the checks and kept the money on his desk: he correctly considered that money to be a reimbursement of his previous personal expenditures on behalf of his department (that also explains why his mother-in-law referred to the checks as "personal funds"). However, the Police Commission inexplicably did not approve the use of Tasers by our local police. As a result, Jim was caught in a bind: he could save his own reputation by explaining how the Police Commission had failed to accord him the respect he has earned through his years of selfless service by deferring to his judgment that Tasers were needed, or he could avoid disparaging the Police Commission and allow the shadow of suspicion to fall on him. As usual, Jim put the feelings of others ahead of his own, and stoically accepted the unwarranted barbs that were hurled at him. Of course, the real tragedy is that Jim had intended to use the money from those checks for Christmas Care Bear, but now, thanks to Troublemaker Bob, there will be a little less joy in some local homes this holiday season. At least the Tasers Jim purchased haven't gone to waste: he has generously donated those to the Village of Broken Springs for use by their Code Enforcement officer.

Second, Troublemaker Bob has vociferously criticized Jim Kingston for his use of a "Bionic Ear" listening device. If Jim had actually used such a device to spy on members of our community, I would be in whole-hearted agreement with Troublemaker Bob on this issue. However, once again, Troublemaker Bob has taken an innocent activity and twisted it into something seemingly sinister. The facts of the situation are simple enough, although slightly embarassing. A few years ago, Jim made a terrible mistake. In a moment of near weakness, he almost succumbed to the temptations of the flesh, and engaged in a very brief incident in which he lusted after a woman not his own. The matter would have ended with the affair of the heart, except for an unfortunate twist: Jim's paramour decided that she needed to fully confess her own lust for Jim in order to move on with her life. This was a matter of grave concern to Jim, because he believed that while he was almost in flagrante delicto, he may have inadvertently disclosed the name of a confidential police informant. Deeply concerned for the safety of that informant, Jim did use an electronic eavesdropping device to monitor his ex-partner's confession, despite his extreme reluctance to violate the sanctity of the sacerdotal relationship, so that he could take the proper measures to ensure his informant's safety if that person's identity had been compromised. This was the only time Jim ever used such a device, and as always, Jim was motivated by a deep concern for the welfare of others. Furthermore, Jim has repeatedly assured me that he has no intention of ever using an electronic eavesdropping device again, so I'm certain you'll all agree with me that this is a non-issue.

A third area in which Troublemaker Bob has tried to create a mountain out of the proverbial molehill is Jim's use of the n word that rhymes with Tigger. It is true that Jim has used this word, on more than one occasion, usually repeatedly while in traffic on Friday nights. However, this in no way indicates that Jim has a prejudicial bone in his body. The truth is, Jim has fallen under the sway of the world of hip-hop music. It began innocently enough a few years back, when Jim was searching for ways to "connect" with the young people. As part of that effort to connect, Jim started listening to popular music. He began innocently enough: MC Hammer, Young MC, Vanilla Ice. However, it wasn't long before he had moved on to the hard stuff: Run DMC, Ice-T, Public Enemy, NWA, Biggie, Tupac, Snoop Dogg and Jim's all-time favorite, Eminem can be heard blaring out of the speakers of his squad car on any given day. Of course, as a result of the thousands of hours Jim has spent listening to this art form, he has subconsciously adopted the vernacular of the idiom. Predictably enough, this has resulted in Jim's vocabulary being liberally salted with terms such as "nigra", "biatch" and "ho" (Jim has also taken to referring to himself as "the real Slim Shady" and an "OG", whatever that means). However, as anyone can plainly see, Jim's frequent use of these words does not reflect an attempt to disparage black people; rather, it springs from Jim's deep-seated love of black culture and its offspring, hip-hop. As Jim himself would say, “Know what I’m sayin', dawg?”

Another item that Troublemaker Bob has been trumpeting lately involves Jim's handling of the funds for his Christmas Care Bear charity. Once again, the facts clearly exonerate Jim. To understand Jim's bookkeeping/banking practices, a little background is necessary. Jim's mentor was the late Onoyoko Township Treasurer David Loud. Jim was deeply influenced by Dave's advice (many times I've heard Jim say "it came straight from the Loud mouth" when explaining why he took a certain course of action). David Loud had an unnatural fear of banks: he was convinced that you were risking losing any funds that you deposited in one (Dave minimized this risk by splitting his deposits among several banks - the Township had deposits in banks all over the state). Clearly, the most significant thing Jim learned from David Loud was that banks, like sidewalk supervisors, were not to be trusted. So it was only natural that Jim would be reluctant to deposit the precious Christmas Care Bear funds in an unsafe and uncaring Bank. Then like a flash, the answer came to Jim: keep the money in the trunk of his patrol car! After all, where would those funds be any safer than in the trunk of an armed police officer's car? So yes, Jim did drive around with thousands of dollars in the trunk of his car, but only because he wanted to ensure that every penny of that money went to where Jim felt it would do the most good.

Finally, Troublemaker Bob has made a meal out of Jim's handling of the so-called "Daniel Shame Archery Incident": or, more specifically, out of Jim's failure to release the video tapes showing exactly what Officer Shame was doing during the period of time in question. This represents yet another instance of Jim allowing himself to be criticized rather than subject another person to ridicule. In this case, it is true that Daniel Shame was engaged in archery practice in a neighboring township while he was on duty, but he was doing so at Jim's request. Jim was concerned that during the upcoming hunting season, another rampant buck would terrorize our community in a manner similar to the incident that occurred last year. At the same time, Jim was mindful of the danger to the public posed by stray bullets if, during the heat of battle, our brave officers were forced to gun down another vicious beast. In a moment of inspiration, Jim came up with a solution: he would form an archery detail in the department. That way, the officers would have sufficient firepower to stop rampaging animals, without serious risk of collateral damage. Daniel Shame volunteered for the archery detail, and on the day in question, he was participating in a training exercise to test the viability of Jim's idea. Unfortunately, the experiment was not a stunning success: it turned out that Officer Shame couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with his bow and arrow, and that fact was clearly captured on the videotape. Rather than release the tape, and expose Officer Shame to ridicule for his pathetic skills as an archer, Jim took what by now I am sure you realize is a familiar course of action, and protected his underling. However, as a result, Troublemaker Bob has been able to try to make it appear as if Jim is hiding something sinister from the public. As you can see, that just isn't the case.

I apologize for the length of this letter, but I believe that the truth needs to be told. For too long, that baron of balderdash Troublemaker Bob has been allowed to spout an unchallenged cacophonous chorus of calumny aimed at Jim Kingston. Most decent folks in this community recognize and appreciate Jim's tireless efforts to serve everyone in our community. He has dedicated himself to seeing that the needs of the less fortunate are filled (for example, many a single mother in our community can attest to the fact that Jim has made a big difference in her life). Jim should be lauded, not criticized, for his efforts on our behalf. Enough is enough! Let's all show our support for a true hero by telling that punctilious pontificator of piffle Troublemaker Bob that we don't want to hear anymore of his shameful and baseless accusations.


Charles "Maury" Knobbe
Broken Springs Opportunists

Friday, November 25, 2005

God Rebukes Kingston

Lonna Jackson claims to be praying for the Kingston critics in Broken Springs, but is she praying to the appropriate deity?

This Thursday, over black coffee and donuts at Haybreak Café in downtown Broken Springs, God Almighty met up with Kingston to rebuke him for all of his moral failings. One of our informants overheard the entire conversation, and scribbled the following on a breakfast napkin.

“Listen,” said the Lord as he sipped Folgers from a cup plastered with local advertising, “I wouldn’t mind your followers occasionally bringing up My name if you were half the man you claimed to be.”

“I give to the needy,” said the Chief as he chomped on a piece of burnt bacon from the plate of the table‘s last occupants.

“So did Al Capone,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But this Holier Than Thou mumbo jumbo has to go. That’s the first thing I learned as God. Those who claim to pray for other people really should be praying for themselves.”

“But I genuinely care for those broke sorry SOBs who can’t afford to go to the casino,” claimed Kingston as he watched the waitress bend over to pick up a napkin.

“Listen, Jim,” explained God, in his best kindergarten teacher voice. “You’re not the worst Chief Broken Springs could have. I think even your detractors realize that. However, there is still a lot of room for improvement. For instance, those people over there…” God pointed to a black family sitting in the booth by the window. “Those people are African Americans, not nig… ahem, what an ugly word. I can’t even bring myself to say it. Nobody uses it anymore, Jim, except for bigots and Klansmen.”

“African Americans,” the Chief said slowly, as if learning a new word.

“Better. And giving kids toys at Christmas isn’t enough. Genuine care and concern should happen year round, which is why I think your charity, once legal, ought to be renamed Kingston’s Kare and operated twelve months a year. That way you aren’t leaving out the Jews, Muslims, and Atheists, who sometimes need just as much care as Christians.”

“I see,” said Jim as he wiped jelly from his upper lip. “But do you really think it’s such a good idea for Christianity to be so inclusive?”

“I used to agree until my Son showed me the err of my ways. We have to be inclusive, otherwise public sentiment will turn against us, just like it’s turning against you. Always remember Jim,” advised the Deity, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.” He poured maple syrup over his pancakes and continued, “My old friend Lucifer preferred being a big ant on a little hill, just like so many here in Broken Springs, but you see where it got him.”

“Point taken,” said Kingston, as he tugged on the waitress and asked for a refill of coffee.

“So no more eavesdropping with illegal listening devices, okay? No more racism or sexism, or illegal searches. No more deception. No more hypocrisy. No more profanity or…“ God paused as He saw Kingston wink at the waitress. “No more of that there, either. Just remember what John and Paul said.”

“The Apostles?”

“No, the Beatles. All you need is love, but don‘t go all Clinton on me, okay?“ The Lord smeared jelly on his toast. “So will you take my advice?”

“I’m always open to suggestions,” responded the Chief

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Allgay Wouldn't Turn Down Chief's Job

Secret inside sources interviewed outside today reveal that Patrolman Mort Allgay wouldn’t turn down the Chief of Police position, if it was offered to him. Current Chief Jim Kingston’s recent bad press has created a whirlwind of gossip, rumor, innuendo, and hearsay amongst the back alleys of Broken Springs regarding his future as Broken Springs Police Chief. Potentially vying for his position, according to the word on the street, is long time policeman Mort Allgay, whose father was a Benton Harlem policeman. Allgay has the support of the community as a whole on most matters, but it’s too early to tell whether that support would hold up against Kingston’s fan base, which is small but very vocal.

“I don’t wish to cause alarm,” said the veteran cop, “But Jim’s like Jiffy Pop over an open flame right now. It’s only a matter of time before things pop and he‘s covered in butter.”

Meanwhile, Police Commission members would neither confirm nor deny the rumors that Allgay is next in line for chief law enforcer of Broken Springs. Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust would only comment that Kingston is an at will employee of the commission, but he added that the commission is grateful to have an experienced man at the helm, particularly one who‘s helped him personally out of many cylindrical problems.

Village Council President Jan Chaddwick also adds her support. “Chief Kingston is a lot of wonderful things, too many to name them all. But what stands out above all in my head is his dedication to his job of keeping the streets of Broken Springs safe. I doubt if anyone could command his job as well as he does. He keeps us all in lock step with him on nearly everything. It’s much easier than thinking.”

Repeated calls to his house have been unreturned, but Kingston’s answering machine message comments, “Hello, you have reached the home of Jim Kingston. I’m unavailable to come to the phone right now for any number of completely justified innocent reasons that do not involve my gambling away Christmas Care Bear donations at the Blue Ship Casino or cashing taser checks illegally, or any mumbo jumbo like that. If you leave your name and number, and perhaps a steamy reading of your latest letter to the editor supporting me (yes, I mean you, Lonna) I’ll be sure to get back with you just as soon as I find the key to these here handcuffs. Wait for the--”


Saturday, November 19, 2005

Rest in Peace, Rybo

There is no humor ahead.

This week, Ryan Anderson, known affectionately as "Rybo" to his friends, died tragically after running from who he thought were the police. He was only 23.

He was no more than an acquaintance of mine, but I still thought very highly of him from afar. He was so cool, a great pool player, and he had the most beautiful set of eyes in the universe.

Rybo, you will be missed.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Potent and Impotent

A particular reader, who used to live in and work for Broken Springs, is concerned for my safety because I write this blog. So if yours truly isn’t seen or heard from for several days, I hereby request that the Sheriff’s Department drag the river. Or just give me a call. That’d probably be a bit more practical.

Broken Springers have been in a tizzy raking leaves lately. I’ve never understood this phenomena. If God had not wanted leaves on the ground, He wouldn’t have made them fall from the trees. Don’t screw with Mother Nature. Unless, of course, there is a blight ordinance against fallen leaves, which wouldn’t surprise me in the least, since there is a blight ordinance against everything in Broken Springs except for green grass cut to a precise length.

As Thanksgiving approaches, here are some of the things for which I’m thankful:
The never ending inspiration for humor in Broken Springs
The McDonalds Dollar menu
Desperate Housewives

That’s about it.

Here is a Turkey Day joke sent in by one of our regular readers:

One autumn for her birthday, Jan received a parrot with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. The parrot’s name was Jim. Every word out of the Jim's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. Jan tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else she could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail.

Finally, Jan was fed up and she yelled profanities at the parrot. Jim yelled profanities back. In desperation, Jan threw up her hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes Jim squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Fearing that she'd hurt her pet, Jan quickly opened the door to the freezer. Jim calmly stepped out onto Jan's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriateness and transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." Jan was stunned at the change in Jim's attitude. As she was about to ask him what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Monday, November 14, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

The crowd shuffles in, the rabble rousers making themselves comfortable in the second to last row. Arriving last this month is Mayor Jan Chaddwick, wearing a retro orange striped sundress that fits snug as the clouds on an overcast day. Her late arrival may or may not have something to do with the caffeinated beverage that accompanies her to the meeting. But the presence of what we can only assume is Baileys Irish Cream and coffee foreshadows the night’s tedious discussions.

Once the meeting is called to order, the aforementioned drug induced woman asks if someone has a radio or a cell phone on in the room because she’s hearing voices.

No, that’s just the fabric of your girdle screaming, Ms. Chaddwick.

Our police department, in their infinite dedication to tighten their spending, managed to only have $54,000 worth of bills this month.

The Chief’s Report reports that last month was ‘business as usual’ which is a bit unnerving if you think about it. It’s a good thing our commission doesn’t get paid to think.

Like Commission Chairperson Hildecrust’s belt line, complaints to the police are up 2% this month. Complaints about the police are up significantly more than that.

Commissioner Frugal requests computer generated reports in the future and Chief Kingston responds with the expense of such a request. It may end up costing several thousand dollars for the software alone, which is roughly equivalent to two hours of blackjack, an hour of slots, and a half hour of roulette, not including 8 games of Keno at five bucks a pop.

At this point, I hear the faint buzzing of an unidentified object in the back row. Either one of the cops behind me had a cell phone going off or Daniel Shame’s wife forgot to take Shame Junior out of her purse and the unit was accidentally triggered on when she reached for her mascara.

Car #1, the Tahoe, was auctioned off for $2,200, significantly lower than everyone expected to get for it. Times are tough all over. Next time they’ll have to vacuum the donut crumbs out of the backseat. Either that or get another dog.

The police department is taking applications for a part time clerk to ease the burden put on a very dedicated Diane MacDonald, who’s been working Sundays for 25 years. Your very own Shallow Throat is thinking of applying, just so long as I'm allowed to work on my blog during breaks.

I’ll work for peanuts, just as long as they aren’t nig… um, I mean hazelnuts, right Chief Jim? Whattayasay? Am I hired? I can type (one handed if necessary) and suck up with the best of them. With former experience as a phone sex operator, I can even answer telephones and forge signatures on taser donation checks while bending over the Chief's desk backwards in a short mini skirt.

There was a drug bust on the 400th block of South Cass. A small amount of drugs was turned in… um, I mean confiscated. There was another drug bust on Sunset Drive. Yet another on Mary Jane Avenue and a huge drug bust occurred on Tie Dye Bouledvard. The folks at Stoner Estates are beginning to get nervous.

We’re pleased to report that after 14 years, the Pizza Hut Robber has been put behind bars. Not for robbing our Pizza Hut, but for breaking some other law in some other place that could actually catch him. This is a great relief to the community who feared for awhile that the Pizza Hut Robber was Broken Springs’s own Zodiac Killer, who would eventually die of old age before being caught. Turns out the culprit was dating one of the employees of Pizza Hut, and getting free pepperoni on the side. Officers Allgay and Robbings worked together on the case, and no word yet on how many pizzas came up missing during the investigation.

There was an incident near Short Lake Road that involved a man shooting a 9 mm gun out the window of a moving vehicle. Apparently he’d heard about our law enforcement officials. He was drinking at the time, which may answer the question how he managed to fire 16 bullets without hitting anything at all. Unfortunately we could not verify the rumor that he’s applied to be on our police force.

Commissioner Frugal brings up the fact that “someone” has requested the purchase of Global Positioning Systems for our police vehicles. Despite the well argued plan of that “someone” at the township meetings and on the township website, Chief Jim can’t help but to wonder what good having GPS would do. Also, he pulls some uncited numbers out of a hat and says such a plan would be very expensive. Mayor Chaddwick pipes in that they would also have to hire someone to monitor the system. Chairperson Ernie adds that citizens are tracking our cops anyway, with a small chuckle. So the GPS initiative falls flat without support.

Then the meeting turns interesting with a lengthy debate on how police seminars and conferences should be paid for. Chairperson Hildecrust makes a motion to amend last month’s motion, changing it to say that cops will have to pay for their meals and gas with credit cards to be reimbursed later. Seminar costs and lodging would be paid for up front, but because officers had been reimbursed without receipts in the past, now they should be required to put these costs on their credit cards and be reimbursed before they are charged at the end of the month. Mayor Chaddwick objects, as does presumably a wife of an officer in the audience when they both say that the officers should not have to use their own credit cards, which they may not even have. Comment from audience member Gordon David implies that the officers are fat and resident Bonii Didjaseedat agrees and says that they should have a limit to how much they can spend per meal. Chief Jim explains in a lengthy sermon that what you can buy in Broken Springs for five dollars can cost upwards of $15 in bigger cities.

All this talk of food started to make my own tummy grumble so loud that I missed the final vote on this issue.

My solution is as follows: Plain donuts should be paid for by the department. Glazed and jelly donuts should come out of the cops’ own pockets. No exceptions.

Meeting adjorned.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Praising Jim Kingston

We at NFBS congratulate Police Chief Jim Kingston on his recent acquittal from criminal charges regarding his Christmas Care Bear Organization. Last Friday the Herald Republican fronted their paper with the headline “No Crime in Kingston’s Charity,” defusing the unproven allegations that Kingston has been using Christmas Care Bear donations as his own private Blue Ship Casino slush fund for the past several years.

There is only one man to thank for Kingston’s acquittal and that man is Jim Kingston himself. Let us explain why.

HR writer Jim Bangladesh wrote that Prosecutor James Strawberry's conclusions that Kingstons’s accounting is “shoddy at best,“ leave him “unable to document/account for how several thousand dollars of Christmas Care Bear funds were spent.” He also wrote that Kingston admits to keeping thousands of dollars in cash in his briefcase that sometimes accompany him to the Blue Ship Casino on personal gambling trips. Such action, according to Strawberry, underscores his poor judgment in handling this money.

After a lengthy investigation, Strawberry could find no evidence showing Kingston’s intent was to convert the funds to one’s own use and therefore could not be charged with larceny or embezzlement in either the Christmas Care Bear or Taser money case.

Could Broken Springs have a more clever man as Police Chief than Jim Kingston? We think not. Had it not been for his shoddy accounting and the lacking of proper bookkeeping procedures some of these allegations would’ve been proven true and our department (and everyone’s safety) would’ve been jeopardized. But because Kingston had the good sense to administer poor judgment, Operation Christmas Care Bear will continue to flourish as it always has in our quaint little town. Had Chief Jim registered Operation Christmas Care Bear with the state of Michigan, as is required by law, he would’ve had to improve his shoddy bookwork, actually account for money donated, and put both himself and his beloved charity in danger of criminal prosecution. Then 200-400 families would’ve been out their Christmas Care Bear packages later next month, including those families whose income is approximately a mere $60,000, well below the national poverty average.

We salute you, Jim Kingston. May your bookkeeping always be shoddy. May your knowledge of the law always be shaky, at best. We expect nothing more.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ignorant Motorist Ticketed

Last Thursday night at approximately 10 PM, Andrew Spitzke was traveling northbound on US 31 when he was pulled over by Broken Springs Police officer Daniel Shame for going 65 mph in a 45 zone. The motorist insisted that he didn’t know about the lower speed limit, despite there being three speed limit signs posted in the area. Spitzke insisted that, had he known the speed limit was only 45, he would not have been driving 65 and hence broken the law. But ignorance of the law is not a justifiable defense and therefore Spitzke was ticketed.

Upon requesting the motorist’s license and registration, Officer Shame quickly became aware of another potential abuse of justice. “As soon as I approached the vehicle, I smelled marijuana cigarettes. Mr. Spitzke’s eyes were glassy and he kept giggling while muttering something under his breath about elevator shoes. It was then I realized that he was high.”

A nonconsensual search of the car resulted in the discovery of three ounces of marijuana, packed tightly in a bag and rolled in a wad of twenties, which turned out to be counterfeit.

“I was unaware that cannabis was illegal in Broken Springs,” said Spitzke as he was being frisked. “Nor was I aware that the possession of counterfeit money against the law. In fact, I was unaware that the money was counterfeit to begin with.”

“Oh, it was counterfeit, all right,” confirmed Daniel Shame as he stuffed the money deep into the pockets of his pants.

As Spitzke was being frisked, Shame also came across a hard device stuffed in the crotch of the motorist’s pants. It was a miniaturized bionic ear, which the motorist said he used to spy on his black neighbors in residential St. Joe. After being notified that the use of a bionic ear was also illegal, Spitzke claimed he knew of no laws regulating the use of his instrument, and had he known about them, he certainly would not have used it

Once down at the police station, Spitzke insisted that he was wrongfully arrested, due to his ignorance of the law and because he was a frequent contributor to Operation Christmas Care Bear, which is run by Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston. “I give year in and year out to that charity, and I even have the tax records to prove it,“ he said angrily.

“You filed them on your taxes?” the clerk asked him as she turned another page in her file and began scribbling another note.

Spitzke was unaware that Operation Christmas Care Bear is not registered with the state of Michigan and is therefore not a legal charity to claim on one’s tax deductions.

“But I did not know,” he said, when informed that the IRS would be contacting him. “I didn’t have a clue.”

“You weren’t the only one,” said the clerk.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Dog's Death Ruled a Suicide

The death of Durango, Daniel Shame’s beloved canine and partner both on and off duty, has been ruled a suicide by a medical examiner. Dr. Carl Daver exhumed the canine at the request of the insurance company, who suspected foul play once the Broken Springs Police Department filed for a large insurance claim on the dog several months ago. According to the agent working the insurance claim, he received a tip that maltreatment may have contributed to its untimely and early demise.

The exhumation of the former K9 unit occurred Thursday morning at 10:30, in the presence of three local officers and a dog coroner, hoping to dig up the truth.

“Mr. Daver’s tests have shown that the dog did not die of natural causes, as was claimed by the BSPD in their insurance claim," said the insurance agent. "In fact, considering the lacerations and the cadaver’s broken neck, we can safely assume that the dog hung himself.”

We at NFBS were cynical. “Whoever heard of a suicidal dog?” But then we remembered who the dog’s handler was.

Daniel Shame, who has recently been under media scrutiny for playing with bows and arrows while on the taxpayer’s dime, insists that Durango died in his loving arms at the vet‘s office and that any broken bones were probably acquired while on duty, ridding Broken Springs of dirty crooks and stray cats.

“He was a tough dog. Once he ran all the way to the police station after I accidentally left him tied to the back bumper of my squad car. He was so tired that morning I gave him an extra milk bone.”

Based on the medical examiner’s findings, the insurance claim was rejected, and Durango was re-interred down by the river. During the second ceremony for Broken Springs four footed fallen hero, evidence of Durango’s suicide floated by us in an empty beer bottle tossed in the river.

Inside the bottle was the following suicide note, shedding some light on how ruff Durango’s life truly was.

After the authenticity of the note was verified (by comparing its handwriting to samples taken from written citations), Daniel Shame broke down in tears and said, “I loved him so much.”

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Looking Backwards

Dear Editor,

With all the conflicts and negativity going on in our miniscule town of Broken Springs regarding the police department and our superfine leader of that department, Police Chief Jim Kingston, we have cause for celebration and a good excuse to get drunk. Our Broken Springs Clovers are going to play for the district championship this Friday night at Constantinople!

This is the first Broken Springs football team that has competed for the district championship since Kingston himself quarterbacked his 1968 squad all the way into the playoffs. My wife and I remember it like it was yesterday. Well, it couldn’t have been yesterday because Jim’s hair wasn’t gray and he was skinnier. But the memories are fresh in our minds.

Broken Springs trailed 44-0 at halftime to a very skilled Benton Harlem Tiger team. They were so fast, you could only see the whites of their eyes as they barreled through the Clover defense every time they touched the football, which they must’ve likened to a watermelon. But in the second half, Jim Kingston, then only 18 years old and probably still a virgin by the looks of those taped up coke bottle glasses, unleashed 30 passes, nearly half of them completed for receptions, and six for touchdowns. Combined with the glowing field goal foot of Mort Allgay (and the holder, Daniel Shame), the ‘68 Clovers went on to win dramatically 45-44 in triple overtime. What many Broken Springers don’t know is that on the last play of the game, a 65 yard pass play from Kingston to tight end turned wide receiver Jan Chadwick (who has real good hands, Kingston later said), the team quarterback and future law enforcer of our town suffered a blow to the head so hard he thought he woke up in Kansas when he regained consciousness, wondering why all the munchkins around him were black. When the referee told him the game was over, Jim humbly answered, “What game?” He refuses to boast about this achievement to this very day. This story just goes to show you how committed Kingston is to Broken Springs.

Dick and Sue Ann Grieves

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Dear Editor,

Why are we determined to teach the children of today that questioning authority is actually tolerable? It seems as if every Josef, Hermann, and Adolf today now believes that questioning anything is not "verboten!"

Personally, I really didn't care exactly in what Kaiserkeller our "boys in black" had their sauerkraut, nor did I care exactly where it was that they were "training" for their "missions."

My Bavarian community was one of the safest: no coloreds, Jews, or other inferiors to kick aside on the way to work at the lampshade factory. Mein Gott, you couldn't even look towards the "camp" outside of town and see any "troublemakers!" Those were the good ol' days...

I challenge you troublemakers and undesirables to stand in the ranks of the "boys in black" for a week...see how difficult it is to continually shoot, torture, maim, and otherwise "police the Reich"...see if YOU don't crack from the strain!

Mein vater served with the Reichswehr for a lonk time... I vas brought up with a different kind of respect for the jackboot than you questioners...I vas taught dat no disrespect for the "boys in black" was allowed...ACHTUNG!!! You people who complain about people like these ought to be happier than Goering at an all-you-can-eat buffet that your streets are free of undesirables!

As for Policenfuhrer Kingston, hey, he isn't Hitler, but who is? Your sector of the Reich should be happier than Goebbels in a cathouse that he is doing such a fine job of policing your area. Those who complain should get a real job in a "camp," a hobby (such as tearing out gold teeth), or someting else to occupy your time. Myself, I'm knitting a shawl for our brave, overworked souls at Treblinka. (Hope this helps!)

Our "boys in black" haf enough to deal with in their duties witout these complainers/undesirables. Quit living in glass houzes (or, at least exercise if you choose to live in them) and trowing stones; someone might lob a morter shell your way!

Again, I vant to trow a "shout out" to my "homies" in black. Oh, I jusht made a "schwartz" joke! I hope that I get a medal from my Gausleiter!!!

Enouf vit the troublemakers! Respect is mandatory! ACHTUNG!!!

Ilsa Chowder

Friday, October 21, 2005

Is Daniel Shame Moonlighting?

Proving once again that truth is stranger than fiction...
From today's South Bend Tribune (page E6)

Videotape captured two Hammond police officers having sex while on duty in two separate incidents, and Chief Brian Miller will seek the firings of the officers.

Cpl. Shawn McDaniel and an unidentified officer were captured on police videotape taking part in sexual activity in the police station, Sgt. Michael Joden said Wednesday. McDaniel and other officers also were being investigated for allegations of possession of marijuana, Jorden said.

Miller also decided to ask the Board of Public Works and Safety to fire Cpl. Kirk Andrews after evidence surfaced in an internal investigation that Andrews also had engaged in sexual activity while on duty.

Police also investigated a "lingerie party" involving several officers at McDaniel's home, but could not determine that anything illegal happened at the party. Several on-duty officers showed up at the party believing it was a barbarcue, but left when they discovered the true nature of the gathering, Jorden said.

"What people do on their own time is their own business, as long as it's legal," Jorden said. "We can't police their behavior off duty."


Other reports of this story (with nastier details):

The Post Trib

The Indy Channel


In any event, Officer McDaniel should have a promising future with the BSPD.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Potent and Impotent

Random observations, petty opinions, and interesting tidbits about Broken Springs by your favorite small potatoes editor.

Over the weekend, a neighbor of Ron Jeppart installed an outside bathroom with a lifetime supply of toilet paper hanging from their trees. It looks a little strange from afar but who knows, they might be onto something.

Coyote’s Watering Hole recently tore down their decades old sign and replaced it with a sharp looking canopy style awning. Too bad the inside of the place doesn’t look half as good.

NFBS now has had over thirteen hundred visitors in the five short months it’s been online. Many of these visits are from return readers, judging from the reoccurring IPs on the site stat page. Love us or hate us, you still read us. So thank you, regular reader. Keep coming back. Because, as we all know, there’s never a dull moment in Broken Springs.

A big congrats to the Broken Springs football team, who has only lost once so far this year. Unfortunately it was the game that was televised on Channel 46. Here’s hoping all the other BS sports teams (including and especially the girls) get half as much media coverage. Go Green!

We at NFBS don’t really give a flying rat’s arse exactly how long Daniel Shame was playing with his little boy toys out in Broken Township. Though he’s admitted his wrongdoing, and even paid back the BS taxpayer a half hour of his overtime, the police commission seems to chalk it up as just a mistake.

Everyone in Broken Springs is guilty of making mistakes. After all, we all live here.

Making mistakes is an epidemic in this small town community, from retractions in the local brag rag, to the Police Chief himself, who’s made more mistakes than Carter’s had liver pills. It’s practically contagious. Don’t sneeze, Daniel Shame. We don’t want to catch what you have.

Think of the group that likes pointing out mistakes, especially around election time, as a wad of Kleenex, trapping all the snot so that the germs don’t infect others in this relatively ignorant yet innocent community.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Trustee Proposes Smoke Signal System for Police

The old Indian practice of smoke signals could solve the problem of Broken Springs police leaving their posts, a township trustee said Tuesday night. Dorothy Hildecrust introduced a proposal to teach all present BSOT officers standard smoke signal procedures in order to better keep track of their location.

The proposal follows a controversial hunting incident by Daniel Shame, in which he was caught playing with his bow and arrow while on duty on September 1st. Hildecrust said the cost of the smoke signal program would be virtually nonexistent to the department, as most of them already carry lighters with which to smoke their confiscated weed.

“One advantage would be that we wouldn’t have all this controversy,” she said. “With a simple transmission of smoke signals, we could know where they are and what they are doing at any point during their shift. One puff might mean they’re tailing a pesky sidewalk supervisor. Two puffs might mean they’re disrupting a riot at the college. Three puffs might mean ‘Hurry up Boss, your wife is on her way.‘ And so on.”

Opponents to Hildecrust’s proposal point to the possibility of sending mixed messages.

“What if a squad car overheats?” asked Ernie Hildecrust (no relation).

“That would mean Shame’s been drag racing again,” answered the Trustee.

“Whether the smoke is from the car’s engine, tires, or from constant toking, officials at the station will know where it is and how long it’s been there," she said.

Jim Kingston attended the meeting and expressed disapproval. "I'm a police chief, not an Indian chief."

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to contribute to the already high levels of air pollution in Broken Springs’s skies,” said resident Lonna Jackson, to a steady round of applause. “We need to trust our officers when they lie to us about their recreational activities. If we can’t trust them, who can we trust?”


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Commission Chairman Ernie Hildecrust steals the fashion spotlight with his MSU Dad sweatshirt. Either he has a child attending Michigan State University or Ernie has been busy spreading his seed amongst the female Spartans.

The meeting begins in the normal boring fashion: approving the last meeting minutes, approving the payment of the bills, and going over the financial report.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick questions whether or not we get our money’s use from our Sam’s Club membership, which costs us $120. Chief Kingston responds that we get quite a few items at Sams, including Polaroid film, which we all know is handy for parties when naked women jump out of birthday cakes.

The Chief’s report indicated the spectacular news that two of our reserve officers had baby girls on the same day, and with the same first name. We at NFBS are trying to confirm the rumor that the girls were conceived on the same double date.

Police car #3 had video equipment trouble which cost $295 to fix, including an oil change. No word yet on whether or not car #3 is Daniel Shame’s car.

Roy Kingsley is back to work after suffering a heart attack. Chairperson Hildecrust says he knows what he’s going through.

The floor then gets turned over to the Police Commission attorney, Charles Amnesia. He informs everyone that the department has been hit with three Freedom of Information Act Requests, which, according to him, were properly responded to. The Herald Palladium’s Tod Huntsell then stands to appeal Amnesia’s decision not to turn over the rest of Daniel Shame’s videotape. In particular, they are asking for the period from 5:00-8:30, or any other time when Shame was flirting with the ladies.

Jim Kingston’s reasons for NOT handing over the videotape are:
To prevent inference in police duty, to prevent the invasion of privacy, and to prevent the revelation of confidential informants.

Not to mention the fact that if he handed the tape over, Shame would get in a whole heap of trouble.

Attorney Amnesia says that if they hand over the entire shift tape, it could aid criminals. Particularly sidewalk supervisors and local buttinskies.

Amnesia implies that there’ve been allegations that the tape has been falsified. Hildecrust and Chaddwick, the only two commission members who’ve viewed the full tape, both admit that they are no camera experts, but the tape seemed real to them.

Ironically during this time, Curly Headed Sandy begins messing with her video camera while she tapes the audience at the meeting.

While Ernie and Jan lick the heels of Attorney Amnesia, Curly Headed Sandy is obliviously silent. Jihad Jan makes it all about money, insisting that they shouldn’t burden the taxpayer with these useless allegations. And Ernie begins crawling under the table, looking for his balls.

The Commission drops the subject for a moment.

Car #1 is to be auctioned off, by Bob Yooper. They can’t remember exactly how much they got for the last one, around $1700-1800.

This weeks’ budget is smaller than last week’s. This week’s is $789,100. The closest player to that amount without going over is the winner of the Showcase Showdown!

There was a plane crash out in Onoyoko Township. It was turned over to the FAA, after they realized that plane crashes needed to be turned over to the FAA. They asked the pilot but since he died on impact he wasn’t much help.

There was a gang fight at Anthony’s University. Apparently it was over some stolen pork.

The bookkeeper complained about cops not turning in all of their receipts from seminars. But who can blame them? So very few hookers give receipts nowadays.

Kingston defended his officers (big surprise there) by saying that sometimes when they drink a bit too much, they forget their receipts. We’ve all done it, he said.

It’d be much easier if they had a department credit card, he said.

Hildecrust said they have no trouble at the Township level, probably because those old farts don’t usually employ female escorts.

Curley Headed Sandy, the personification of oblivion, asks if the PD has a credit card.

Jan Chaddwick makes a motion that the hotel, seminar, and mileage would be paid for, but all else would need receipts to be reimbursed. In other words, Chaddwick’s motion doesn’t change a damn thing.

Now back to this tape deal…

Given the opportunity to deal with it then and there, Attorney Amnesia begins addressing the paper’s appeal. Jim Kingston takes the opportunity to peer over the lawyer’s shoulder as he reads from his legal pad. Amnesia tells the commission that before handing over the portion of the tape in question, the commission ought to view it to make sure there is nothing incriminating on it.

There’s a motion made and passed that leaves it up to Kingston and Amnesia to decide whether or not to hand over the tape. In other words, the commission washes its hands of the deal.

Bonii Didjaseedat makes a public comment, asking why she is not in the tape when she and one of her 92 children were standing on the sidewalk as Shame passed by. She also asks if she received a copy of the original police log.

Attorney Amnesia said he couldn’t answer that question, not because he doesn’t know the answer but because he knows how awful the truth sounds.

Kingston admits that Bonii received a copy of a copy of the log. The original log was copied, the copy was redacted (to eliminate potentially incriminating comments) and the redacted copy was copied and then given to Bonii.

Just before the closed session, Bonii makes another comment, saying that the commission is trying to shift the issue to time in order to sweep the real issue under the rug. That is, the fact that Shame was (and has admitted to) playing while on duty, during a time when someone could’ve been hurt or killed. Her comment is met only with silence, which speaks volumes.

Commissioners go into closed session for the second meeting in a row, kicking the audience out of the room.

Shallow Throat must remember a jacket next time.

When the closed session is over, approximately 40 minutes later, Jan Chaddwick announces that the Chief has been given permission to discipline Shame himself and if further instances arise, the commission will deal with it.

In other words, the whole meeting was a waste of time. Big surprise.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Chief Defends Bill Bennett

Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston has gone on the record as the first person to publicly defend former Education Secretary Bill Bennett after he made the following comment on his radio show:

"If you wanted to reduce crime, you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down.”

The former drug czar and champion of morality defended his remarks by calling what he said a ‘hypothetical proposition’ that he does not advocate, much like Hitler never advocated gassing all the Jews.

Our own Chief Kingston has gone on the record in his defense of Bennett, calling him, “A good man who only believes in abortion if the paternity tests come out positive.”

“He does not condone the abortion of black babies,” Kingston told NFBS. “If anything, he thinks that too many black children are aborted, but that’s probably a blessing in disguise since the aborted babies can’t go on welfare.”

Several congressmen and women have called on Bennett to apologize for his insensitive remarks, but not Jim Kingston.

“I’ve sat side by side with Bill, usually at the nickel slots, and he’s not racist in the slightest. He even usually tips the waitresses of color just as much as he tips normal waitresses, even if they’re usually slower because they’re lazy. It doesn’t bother Bill. In fact, he often laughs about it,” said the Chief.

“Calling Bill racist is like calling me an incompetent thug with nepotistic tendencies,” remarked Kingston.

Friday, September 30, 2005

BSPD Turn Over Wrong Video Tape

It was a simple FOIA request. Bonii Didjaseedat and the Herald Republican asked for the squad car video tape from Daniel Shame’s entire shift on Thursday, September 1st. But when they viewed the tape, it was nothing they expected.

“A mistake was made,” explained Chief Kingston. “Somehow the tape got mixed up with some other of Daniel Shame’s tapes, apparently from his secret porn video collection. It was an innocent mistake. Okay well, not so innocent. But Shame has been verbally reprimanded. It will not happen again.”

The tape in question, a copy of Volume 81 of Girls Gone Wild: the AU Campus Edition, was accidentally turned over to the news media after allegations that Officer Shame was playing for 2 ½ hours while on duty and out of his jurisdiction.

“I expected to see a tape of bows and arrows. Instead, all I saw were boobies and poon-tang,” said a village resident who attended a five dollar public showing of the tape. “Two thumbs up!” he added. “Well worth the price of admission, can’t wait for the sequel.”

Police Department defenders believe the tape exonerates the Chief and his favorite subordinate. “Clearly, the tape does not show Daniel Shame practicing archery out of his jurisdiction,” said the Chief’s father in law and order, Merle Boreman. “In fact, I don’t remember seeing Daniel in the tape at all, unless he’s grown his hair long, lost a lot of weight, and bought breast implants.”

“Well, he did recently get a 3% pay raise,” we told him.

“Wait, let me put on my spectacles,” he said while we showed him the copy sent to NFBS. When he put them on, he immediately fainted and therefore had no further comment.

“This just goes to show you what utter contempt our Police Department has for the law they’ve sworn to uphold,” said Ms. Didjaseedat. “I don’t want to think about what Shame was upholding as he watched this video.”

Another Freedom of Information request has been made by Didjaseedat, as well as by the HP and several horny teenage boys that attend both our public and private schools. Ms. Bonii and the HP have requested a copy of the real tape, while the horny boys have put in a request for the rest of Shame’s private video collection, particularly anything he might have starring Jenna Jameson.

No word yet on whether the BSOT Police will cooperate with these further requests. But since Sex and the City has ended, we can only hope that all requests will be met with open legs… er, we mean arms.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Let he who is without stone cast the first sin

Dear Editor,

I have lived in Broken Springs for 86 years, 3 months, 12 days, 7 hours, 16 minutes and 36 seconds, no wait… make that 38 seconds. Dag nab it, I mean 40 seconds, err… did I say 40 seconds, I meant 46 seconds… oh to heck with it!

During that long period of time, I have witnessed many of Chief Kingston’s missionary projects, particularly around Christmas when he likes to pass around his Yule Log. I have seen our community, on bended knees, honor him for his volunteerism, sometimes doubled over in gratitude that he so deserves.

I have visited schools and casinos with him as the keynote speaker, year after year. I’ve watched as he’s told graduates they’d all end up in his jail and driver’s ed students that he’d probably end up scraping their intestines off the streets. He has inspired the young to live happy, successful, and drug free lives. Yet, in this so called Christian community, He is not as fully appreciated as He ought to be. Our own Chief Kingston, whose humble disposition results in His going to church regularly, has been a victim of mudslinging, animosity, and utter contempt from those people who really ought to be Jewish. How displeased HE (and by HE I mean of course Andy Rooney) must be by our hypocritical words and Dreidels.

Surely we all make mistakes and commit the same crimes we have sworn to uphold. We are all sinners. Augustin, unlike Chief Jim, knew temptation. He loved women, wine and song, and all the special pleasures of doing something wrong. You’ll never make a saint of me.

Even Andy Rooney is a sinner. So let us do what we do best (that is, write very illogical letters to the editor) while we let the police run the doughnut shop. Let us quit throwing stones, and start Rolling Stones because they’re the only group with a lead singer older than I am.

Knobhead Nuevo

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Straight and Arrow

Dear Concerned Citizens of Broken Springs,

So much has been made over my recent rendevous in Broken Township, I have decided to set the record straight once and for all.

Several weeks ago I pulled over a young woman whose blatent ignorance of law and order resulted in her receiving a ticket for having an air freshener obstruct her vision. As I scribbled the ticket, she reached toward my bicep and commented on my extremely toned and bulging muscle. At least I think she was talking about my arm. I told her that my muscular figure was not God given and that I worked out vigorously while on the job (wrestling fleeing perps and disobediant drug dogs) and she asked me if I ever shot any archery. Well, the closest to that I've ever done is flinging some darts down at the Coyote Watering Hole on nights when I'm getting soused. But I told her I was a prize archerist who's won the nickname "William Tell" around the department. It was then she invited me over to her brother's house on Strange Line Road, on the condition that I rip up her ticket, which I promptly did after she told me that her brother would not be home and we could have the place to ourselves.

It was then, concerned citizens, that I made my first error in judgment. Rather than drive to my house, exchange vehicles and change clothes as I normally do when such situations arise, I drove my squad car directly out to this young woman's brother's house at approximately six o'clock that evening. It is true that I didn't return to the Village of Broken Springs until approximately 8:30 but only because I was on an emergency call from this same young woman who attempted to lead me astray. In fact, had I not been around, it's a good possibility that this young woman (who wanted to lead me astray) would've bled to death. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After arriving at the residence, I was led to the backyard which was an archerist's dream come true. On every tree there was a painted target and leaning up against the side of the house was a row of expensive, top of the line high powered bow and arrows.

You understand that I was still there on police business, to inquire whether this target range was safe and legal and all the weapons were registered with the state of Michigan.

After kicking back six or seven Coronas, which were only consumed to ease the suspicions of the young woman about to lead me astray, I tested out each and every weapon on the premises. Unfortunately in testing them out I accidently lodged an arrow in the tire of my squad car, which took a half hour to change while inebriated.

I was getting on rather well with this woman about to lead me astray, so well in fact that she made a pass at me while I bent over to change my tire. She tried blaming her brother's dog but I knew it wasn't a dog's nose that grabbed my tight butt. As the former canine handler for BSOT Police, I could remember what a canine nose feels like between the folds of my tight buttocks.

It was at this time that she proclaimed her undying love for me and began stripping right there on the spot. Flattered as I was, I was also very disgusted by this immoral behavior because the young woman trying to lead me astray looked much better clothed. I ordered her, as an officer of the law, to put her clothes back on before I arrested her for public indecency (not to mention a violation of the blight ordinance which I've sworn to uphold) but she continued to disrobe until she was stark raving naked and running through the backyard like a crazed lunatic. I chased her around, in an attempt to restrain and clothe her myself but the little minx must've rolled herself in butter while she was inside getting the beers, so she kept slipping out of my strong and usually able grip.

She finally negotiated with me by placing an apple on her head, telling me that if I could hit the apple with an arrow, she would fully comply with my orders.

It was then I made my second error in judgment, Broken Springers.

Distracted by the sight of her breasts, my aim was so off, I accidently lodged the arrow in her cooch. She yelped out in pain as I ran to her side. She was bleeding heavily so I wrapped up the wound with the pantleg of my police uniform, as I quickly swept her up in my arms. I immediately rushed her to the emergency room at the nearest hospital, in Niles. Hospital staffers will back this story because they'll never be able to forget the sight of a man with no pants carrying in a naked lady with an arrow in her cooch. She received four stitches and will never be able to birth children, but I sat by her bedside for an hour after he procedure to make sure she was all right and unwilling to press charges. Then I returned to Broken Springs at approximately 8:30 that evening.

So you see, ladies and gentleman, I was not loafing while on duty like some citizens have claimed. Quite the contrary, I was investigating possible weapon violations and then saving the life of the young woman which was nearly taken by those weapons. When Chief Jim viewed the squad car video tape of the incident, he promptly erased all of the sensitive material because in the wrong hands he said the tape could be used against the department. When he refuses to let others see the tape, he's doing so to protect the young woman who nearly led me astray, not to protect me because I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think I deserve a medal, but I'll settle for a raise instead.

Daniel Shame

Monday, September 19, 2005

Grand Opening, Sausage Links, and the Missing Link

Broken Springs celebrated the grand opening of Haybreak Café today. Owner Fred Dustbin purchased the business after many years following his ownership of Jack Frost before it was torn down and replaced by another friendly little small town business, Rite Aid Pharmacy.

I decided to venture down to Haybreak in the hopes of gathering some journalistic fodder on the new talk of the town. Also because I was hungry as hell and growing an immunity to McDonald‘s double cheeseburgers. Upon entering the building, the first difference I noticed was that the waitress was more fully dressed than the last time I was in there and she didn’t have an armful of infants. I chose to sit in a booth, from where I could watch the dangerous Mechanic and Ferry Street intersection. The Nascar fan in me cannot be suppressed. In the course of my meal, I noted three obvious traffic infractions: one left handed turn at the top of the hill, a car going straight in a right turn only lane, and a car parked in a no parking zone. And as luck would have it, not a cop in sight because they’re only visible around 2 AM when the bars are letting out. Determined to not let the idiocy of Broken Springs driving ruin my dinner, I decided to draw the curtains and resolve myself to the latest blowjob with words edition of the Journalistic Error. In an article detailing the shenanigans of patrolman Daniel Shame, the editor of the Error coincidently forgot to include the alleged officer’s name, yet miraculously remembered his name while reporting on the praise he was given by his boss, Jim Kingston.

I couldn’t help but to notice the irony of the situation. The Haybreak Café is where Kingston used the infamous N word a decade ago, while dining with another officer and the fire chief of the time. These memories induced a sick feeling within me and suddenly I had very little appetite for my scrambled egg, hash browns, and sausage links doused in maple syrup.

That’s not to say that the food was bad, however. It was very tasty, and served very quickly. Yet, the table beside me ordered a taco salad that looked utterly delectable and I found myself gazing at it like a hungry puppy as I wolfed down my evening breakfast. I was unaware just how often I was gazing upon the other guy’s taco salad until he caught me staring and I gave him an embarrassed wave. Next thing I know, he’s walking over to my table as I licked the syrup off my last sausage link.

His name was Chris, and the poor boy had misinterpreted my tactless ogling. I was wearing a ballcap, dirty jeans, the same tee shirt I’d slept in, and absolutely no undergarments of any kind, yet I was asked out by an out of towner with a delicious looking dish. Almost embarrassed because I had not even brushed my teeth, I succinctly told him that I have a boyfriend, but thanked him anyway. I might’ve even offered him a night out on the town had he not suspiciously looked like Darwin’s Missing Link. I could’ve taken him to see the night life of Broken Springs, but I don’t know what we would’ve done for the other 4 hours of the date. I regret that he’ll never see the Broken Springs water tower under a moonlit sky, or sail on Lake Chopin while the September wind nips at his neck hair. But oh well. My interest in him didn’t reach beyond the ground beef, tomatoes, and lettuce on his plate.

All in all, I recommend the fine dining of Haybreak Café. But it’s better to leave your wandering eyes at home. If not, they are sure to ruin your meal, one way or another.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

By the Hair on Her Chinny Chin Chin...

After being called a bald faced liar by the Chief of Police, Broken Springs resident Bonii Dydjaseedat has began growing a beard and mustache. Chief Jim Kingston called Ms. Dydjaseedat a liar after she accused his golden boy, Patrolman Daniel Shame of being gone for two and a half hours while sharpening his archery skills in Broken Township while he was still on duty.

“I’m personally offended by this accusation,“ whimpered the Chief, choking back tears. “Patrolman Shame was gone for no more than 34 minutes, and I have the tapes to prove it,” said Kingston at this week’s Police Commission meeting.

“I wonder what kind of tapes he means? Duct tapes? Scotch tapes? He certainly can’t mean police video tapes, as those are conveniently out of service except when they coincidently back up a cop’s story,” said Ms. Dydjaseedat.

Kingston clarified that he was indeed referring to the squad car’s video tape, which recorded exactly 34 minutes of Shame’s playful exploits with a bow and arrow. An uncensored version of the tape has found its way onto the internet with the clever title, “Daniel Shame Screwing the People of Broken Springs.” Bonii insists the tapes were doctored and says the proof is in the pudding.

“I’ve downloaded the tape, and there’s no way Shame’s arrow is that big,” she told NFBS as she scratched at her five o’clock shadow.

“Why the beard and moustache?” we asked her.

“Simple. By growing facial hair, I will be proving Kingston to be a bold faced liar when he called me a bald faced liar,” she answered as she twirled her finger around her handlebar moustache.

“Also it will serve as a disguise for when I stalk the cops,” she added with a smile.