Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Kingston’s Charity Climaxes

Despite local criticism and a state police investigation into shoddy bookkeeping practices, Police Chief Jim Kingston’s local charity, Christmas Care Bear has had a record year in donations.

Operation Christmas Care Bear had come under attack from local buttinskis claiming that Kingston was pocketing cash donations and using the money to finance his gambling and hooker addictions. But an investigation into the matter found no wrongdoing by Kingston since no ledger turned over to the state police had any mention of any such gambling or hooker deductions. Once word passed that Kingston was an honest man after all, Christmas Care Bear donations tripled, according to the Broken Springs Chamber of Commerce President, Scott Mormon.

“In fact, we’ve had people specifically request Kingston pick up their donations personally, particularly women, just after their husbands leave for work,” says Mormon. “We’ve had so many requests like this, Chief Kingston is now planning his schedule around these visits, making sure, of course, that he’s out of uniform when performing his charitable duties.”

Mormon is referring to the recent statute passed by the Police Commission requiring Christmas Care Bear to be completely separated from the Broken Springs Police Department. If Kingston was accepting donations while in uniform, it would be a violation of this statute. To be sure, we at NFBS questioned one woman whose donation was quite large, as it took three and a half hours of the Chief’s time to accept her goodwill as we sat across the street to witness the transaction. Once he pulled out of her driveway, walking a bit funny and looking flustered, we knocked on her door for several minutes before she answered. She dragged herself to the door with messy hair and smeared lipstick, then invited us in for coffee.

Ms. Jackson answered our questions on the condition that she remain anonymous. When asked if Chief Kingston was in uniform when he accepted her donation, she said with authority, “He was most definitely NOT in his uniform.” So it appears that Kingston is following the rules after all.

So far the charity’s largest individual donation has come from the hands of a local satirist, who donated $495 worth of toys to the cause. Unfortunately she interpreted Christmas Care Bear’s call for ‘any and all toys’ to include sex toys, and as a result, 31 vibrators, 22 butt plugs, 10 leather whips, and two sets of anal beads were returned to her. Kingston kept the set of lined handcuffs, however, for his own personal use, which we can only guess he’ll use on some young harlot in Broken Springs’s red-light district as she assumes the position.

No comments: