Police Commission Meeting

Apparently it’s Casual Monday. Everyone’s wearing long johns and sweatshirts.

The crowd and the Commission are both early, except for Bonii Didyaseedat, who’s always late, and will probably be late to her own funeral, if the Chief has anything to say about it.

Chairman Hildecrust comments that the clocks, like his fellow commissioners, are slow, and he calls the meeting to order at the official time of 6:58 P.M.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick makes a motion to accept the minutes of the last meeting before anyone has time to read them, before I’m even done writing this down.

Our cops ran up $62,000 in bills this month. Times are tough all over. Heating, gas, and hookers have all raised their prices in this frigid temperature. But vehicle expenses have been low, according to the Chief. Did I say hookers before? I meant the electric company.

In old business, a woman was hired to work part time for $8 an hour on the weekends at the police station. The application of Yours Truly was dutifully ignored, but the other girl is probably better qualified. I can type 60 wpm and do data entry, but her boobs are probably bigger than mine.

In new business (which is really just the same old business repeated), Kingston makes a request for loads of money, for an assortment of things, most notably a new squad car to replace the old green beater he hauls around town. Jim proposes getting a new one pronto because after the first of the year, the price will go up on a new Chevy Impala. As it is now, with the Police Commission’s blessing, he could get one for $17,764. He crosses his fingers and waits for their approval, which used to be a sure thing.

But Ernie repeats his “three car mantra,” which, for your recollection, goes something like this:
“We should get back down to three cars because that’s what we started with. It would be a good way to save money we so desperately need for all the other things you’re requesting at the last minute of this fiscal year.”

Curly Headed Sandy says we should get the car anyway.

Phil Ruse is opposed to spending the extra money.

Kingston regroups, shakes off the disapproval. He is down in the count 0-2 but is confident that he can still put his bat on the ball, but only if he pulls out the big guns. He mentions officer safety and how a new car is necessary to keep our loyal, hardworking, underappreciated, devoted officers out of harms way.

The Commission is unusually silent, totaling a period of about three seconds, before Hildecrust says, “Even with three cars, the officers will be safe.” Chalk it up to a strikeout swinging. The commission agrees that they should come back to the issue after discussing the second request.

We also need loads of money to replace the computer system and internet server in the police station, because in the last month, our server blew up to the extent that the fire department had to come out to extinguish the flames. There is also a need for an update of software, not CLUE but TIPS. The state is changing their requirements and need local reports to be sent in daily. Also, the station needs to break into the 20th Century and get broadband internet service, dropping quantum because the latter is too slow and expensive. DSL is the way to go, especially since the department has an extra burden of checking all those anti-Kingston blogs that keep popping up. DSL will cost the department $164.95 a month, according to their quotes.

At this time, the sit in attorney (Attorney Amnesia is absent) can be heard cracking open a can of Michelob Light. That is the most noise he makes all night, except for in the secret meeting later.

Apparently the computer system upgrade will not cost us all that much because we’ve conveniently found about $16-17,000 underneath the couch cushions in the lounge. Oh, and we cashed in our Speedy Reward points.

Bob Frugal asks if we’re thinking about getting laptops for the officers to carry in their cars. Kingston said it is a dream of theirs. Oh, I bet it is. The thought of surfing archery.com and girlswithhorses.com is just too much of a fantasy right now for some of them.

The Commission, unusually unwilling to spend even a dime this month, asks for two more bids to consider before okaying the request.

This month, Broken Springs was a graveyard for stolen vehicles. We had three end up in our area, for some reason. Perhaps while driving through Broken Springs, a car thief suddenly has a change of heart and dumps his loot. Or maybe they start reading the local papers and get so caught up in all the archery, charity, and taser funds stories, they forget entirely that they’ve stolen a car and are traveling through the town. Either way, we end up with all these found on the road, dead cars and then they end up in our own Vehicular Graveyard, better known as the backyard of the Public Safety Building, until they’re eventually blown up or welded apart by our volunteer firefighters practicing using the jaws of life.

These dangerous cars reflects the criminal activity that Kingston and his boys must protect us from, however. The Chief takes this opportunity to make it known to the commission and audience members that the presence of three stolen vehicles is proof positive that crime is on the rise.

So beware, all you car thieves out there. You may not catch you, but we will definitely catch your stolen cars!

Next begins a discussion about how Mort Allgay has requested a day off after his anniversary. I’m still unclear whether his anniversary is his actual matrimonial anniversary or the time that he signed a contract with the department. If it’s the latter, I think he not only deserves a day off, but a little TLC as well. Maybe a foot massage. Maybe even a little fellatio to show our appreciation, if he’s been very very good. Would it be so hard for the commissioners to give him at least this much? They supply Kingston a lifetime worth of it, in a matter of speaking. But for a lowly copper like Allgay, they were not biting, or blowing, or anything other than shooting it down before he could even, metaphorically, unzip his pants.

Kingston, resilient as ever, insists that Mort isn’t asking to take a personal day, just a day to do what he loves doing, with children, boy scouts no less. In other words, Kingston goes to bat for Allgay, despite the fact that Allgay wants his job, at least according to a NFBS informant known only as White Throat.

But Ernie’s fastball is too quick for Kingston to get around on. He says that the commission shouldn’t break the contract because what you do for one, you’ll have to do for all. Phil Ruse asks Kingston if he brought Allgay’s written request, but Kingston said it was on his desk next to various Taser money donations. Ernie, who hates to be a stickler, has his second strikeout of the evening, as the request dies for lack of support.

Possibly related to this outcome, Jim Kingston turns redder than Chief Sitting Bull after he’s stayed out in the sun too long. If you look closely, you can see wisps of smoke billowing out of his nostrils.

This year’s audit will be cheaper than last year. The commission votes to pay someone four thousand dollars not find anything wrong with Operation Christmas Care Bear.

In the strangest move of the evening, the budget passes 4-1, with the one opposing vote being Curly Headed Sandy, who - for the first time in the history of Broken Springs - voted differently than Jan Chaddwick. It’s unclear whether or not Sandy is quite feeling herself, or was mad that Jan didn’t bring up a vote on Allgay’s vacation day.

In the anticlimactic ending to the meeting, Commission Chairman Hildecrust informs his fellow commissioners that he is calling a special closed session meeting to discuss the problems with the Chief over the last year. It’s a closed session meeting, obviously, because they don’t want pesky local bloggers offering their own commentary on the many potential embarrassing things that may or may not be said. Unfortunately Curly Headed Sandy, who is still fuming about who knows what exactly, cannot make the meeting on December 16th, but she assures Ernie that she’ll do what she can to be there anyway. That’s dedication, folks.

The meeting was adjourned at 7:45, with a “Merry Christmas” from the Commission, who blatantly ignored the Jewish audience members altogether.

Well, NFBS would like to now apologize to all the Jews for the Commission’s rude behavior and extend a “Happy Holidays” to everyone for whatever crazy holiday you all celebrate. There will of course be other entries before Christmas, many Christmas themed, hopefully. But consider this an early greeting, like those Salvation Army people give at Walmart, only I don’t want your money.

Meeting postscript:
There was a meeting after the meeting in the small little room in the corner of the Township building. It lasted for an hour and was - as far as this reporter could tell - consisting of Chaddwick, Hildecrust, and the sit in lawyer. But of course, there’s always the possibility that they were just all playing Scrabble.