Thursday, July 27, 2006

Campaign Signs Violate Blight Ordinance

Broken Springs Village Council decided Monday night to include certain campaign signs in residents front yards in the current blight ordinance that protects us from the threat of litter and debris. The move is a controversial one however because not all campaign signs are treated equal. Namely, the signs of Village President Jan Chaddwick and her slate of political incumbents are not to be considered blight while those of any potential opponents are deemed “the most offensive blight known to humankind,” according to the meeting minutes of Village Clerk Cherry Pickens-Kingston. Those signs violating the ordinance are to be dealt with “quietly and immediately,” according to the policy.

“This is a special provision for our quaint little village,” commented Chaddwick after the meeting. “For too long we in Broken Springs have had to suffer the ugly expression of democracy, from critical bloggers to the distribution of opposing political candidacies. Now we’ll be able to see democracy for the beautiful thing that it is, in this case a 'Re-elect Jan Chaddwick for Mayor' yard sign.” Her eyes glinted as she held up a pink, white, and blue campaign sign with her name spelled out in roses. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to celebrate my future victory with a 12 piece bucket from KFC.” She almost skipped away from the meeting.

Litter and Debris Officer and part time midget playboy Daniel Shame also applauded the move, granting the council members the foresight to predict an ugly campaign by Chaddwick opponents. “These people will do anything to get attention including plastering the lawns of ordinary citizens. It’s shameful, really. Broken Springs residents should realize that their yards are not billboards.” With that, Shame stepped up into his Ford Bronco, covered with confederate flag and Nascar bumper stickers, and sped away.

Those opposing Chaddwick and her slate of politicians could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing their bags for a town with more people than cows.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Bank Robbed at Squirt Gun Point

Three Fifths Bank was robbed early Friday afternoon by a man wielding a loaded squirt gun and a backpack he claimed was filled with several gallons of extra ammunition. The suspect, who fled the scene with $12,000 and a handful of complimentary lollipops, was caught on the bank’s surveillance camera and an APB has been put out for his arrest.

The robbery caught everyone by surprise, including the bank’s gardener, who was busy watering inside plants when the suspect arrived. “When I saw the squirt gun, I figured he was just another town loony on a hot day. But when he opened fire on my begonia I took offense. ‘I just watered her,’ I told him. ‘Any more water could hurt her.’ That was when he took the flower, pot and all, in his arms and approached the desk.”

According to other witnesses on the scene, the suspect set the flower pot on the counter, pointed his large squirt gun at it and said to the bank clerk, “Hand over all the money or the begonia gets it.”

It wasn’t long before the robber noticed a more fruitful target, however. Every Friday is Casual Dress Day at Three Fifths and bank employee Pam Hucklebee was sporting a tight fitting white tee shirt. The suspect’s new targets were both staring him directly in the face.

“All of a sudden his eyes got as big as watermelons,” remembered a towel draped and terror stricken Hucklebee. “He told me that in addition to all of our money, he also wanted to open a free checking account. When the manager refused him a free checking account, the robber opened fire and all hell broke loose.”

Broken Springs Police were the first law enforcement agency to arrive at the scene, and the robber had already hit several innocent targets by then, including Hucklebee’s nervously heaving torso. Daniel Shame drew his weapon on the bandit but had to drop his revolver when he was struck by a stream of water in the shoulder. He quickly retreated to his squad car for a life saving towel. Backup officers who’d cut their lunch short from Subweigh were of little assistance in capturing the water bandit as he sped away on his bicycle. Chief Kingston explained how the suspect escaped.

“By the time we arrived, Officer Shame was already down. The armed and dangerous bank robber was already on his getaway vehicle. We chased him on foot for several blocks but when he got too far away, all we could do was try to shoot out his tires. Have you ever tried to shoot out the tires on a moving bicycle? It’s no easy task,” said the beleaguered Chief, who walked back to his car with a noticeable limp.

At the end of the day, Three Fifths Bank suffered the loss of $12,143.66 and an undetermined number of lollipops. Three ceiling tiles ended up with water damage, and six employees either need to buy darker colored tee shirts or begin wearing brassieres.

Meanwhile, the begonia has fully recovered.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarswatchoutforthesnake, Phil Ruse, and I are all unfashionably early, unlike Attorney Amnesia who arrives a very stylish five minutes late. Before the meeting starts, Little Napoleon, aka Papa Smurf tries making a move on Gary Fishnet in the audience. Several “Brokenback Springs” jokes occur which make me nostalgic for that short story I never finished.

Once everyone has sat down and had a few jolly homophobic laughs, well nothing happens really. Ernie Hildecrust explains that he’s waiting for the Attorney, who apparently got caught in the terrible Broken Springs traffic.

During this down time, I’m left to wonder…
Will he or won’t he? That is the question.

Will Ernie Hildecrust break to local pressure to apologize for the insulting gas on the honor system comment or will he pass on the gas issue? Only time would tell.

The meeting starts before the attorney arrives. Last meeting’s minutes are accepted (insult and all). I was surprised a retraction wasn’t requested.

The Commission received a $7,000 fuel bill from the LSD school district. Curly Headed Sandy replies that the situation was out of anyone’s control. At the risk of being struck by lightning, I must agree with Sandy. LSD privatized and Laidlow had everyone bent over, trousers down. I just hope those schmucks in St. Hoe don’t make the same privatization mistake with their custodians.

In the Chief’s Report, he makes note that the force has been busier than usual. He says as much every month and at this rate we’ll need to triple the workforce by next year, just to keep up with standard activity. Of course, it doesn’t help that everyone’s allowed to take their vacation at the same time.

In old business, Chief Kingston publicly thanks Ernie for getting gas, noting how convenient it is to have gas so close by. Ernie doesn’t take this opportunity to publicly apologize for implying last month that Kingston’s Kops might swipe company fuel for their own personal vehicles.

Rob Fishnet is in the audience, two chairs down from yours truly and I’m not sucking up or anything but he’s definitely the cutest cop we have serving and protecting. Your own Shallow Throat knows Fishnet’s parents as well, and let it be said that he might be one of the good ones.

What follows is about an hour’s worth of very boring policy discussion. The attorney had drafted up three policies: Unexpected Expenses, Travel and Education Expenses, and a Donation Policy.

I admit for the majority of the discussion I was busy trying to read Stan Chaddwick’s newspaper over his shoulder, but I did pick up on a couple notable tidbits:

As a culture, we’re too hooked on Walmart and Sam’s Club.
Jan Chaddwick loves (loves loves) Mapquest.
Broken Springs Teacher’s Credit Union is having a hot dog fundraiser on the 14th.
And the Commission is scared to death to bring up tasers in any way, shape, or form.

Concerning the Donation Policy, most everyone agrees that to accept a donation for tanks would be a bad idea. In fact, it’s unacceptable to accept a donation for any item that isn’t already pre-approved by the commission (read: Tasers a year and a half ago). Nobody, except for Heath Ledger in the audience, dares mention tasers because they know doing so a month before the millage election would be tasing themselves in the foot. (Note to Mr. Ledger: the Taser money went to computers.)

Note to self: Tear up $50 check for elevator shoes.

The question raised on the donated money issue goes something like, “Is it better to accept donations, then figure out if it can be used, or vice versa?” Kingston has an interesting philosophy on the taking of solicited cash. He said, “It’s always wiser to grab the money.” Given his reputation for toting around cash filled briefcases, this quote should come as no surprise to anyone.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick seems to think that if an officer receiving donations tells the donator that he’ll bring the issue to the Chief (who in turn brings it to the Commission) people would be more likely to donate than if the officer says he will bring it straight to the Commission. Personally, unless the donation is for scratch off tickets from Speedway, I’d argue the opposite. But that’s just me.

For homework, Professor Hildecrust assigns reading over these three policy issues in order to discuss them more next month.

In new business, Jim Kingston thanks the Commission for sending him on a good conference about tobacco smuggling, employee discipline, and terrorism. Kingston doesn’t offer any evidence that he learned anything from this conference but he wanted everyone to know he had a good time. I didn’t even know they held police conferences in Atlantic City.

July 4th went well, and the cops directing traffic before and after the 30 minute parade did a particularly splendid job. We’re also pleased to report that the fireworks caused no major damage to the barn they mistakenly set on fire. But Mr. Tinkler’s horses are now all bald.

There have been several unsolved cases of vandalism by local kids (with nothing better to do) in the Kripple, Crass, and Pitchfork road area. Car windows have been busted, cars have been keyed, and valuable items have been stolen from the backseats of vehicles parked around the area. Not since the mass virginity theft of the 60s have there been so many backseat crimes in Broken Springs. Ernie Hildecrust just hopes that the kids get what they have coming and once caught they won’t get off.

On a related note, a Broken Springs resident requested the help of officers in the removal of a two foot snake from his house. Since the snake was not a buffalo, the Broken Springs cops decided to spare its life. Love Greek Nature Center took in the slithery suspect and learned that he too was just a juvenile, and an endangered juvy at that. It was a baby rat snake whose parents are known to reach 6-7 feet in length. So beware, all of you Fluff area residents. Don’t ask to borrow your neighbor’s new water hose.

At this time I’d like to personally thank the Broken Springs Police for not shooting the snake.

Happy five year anniversary to Officer Tweed. You’ve got the fabric of a fine officer, unlike that Officer Nylon. He’s so cold and impersonal.

Now the fun begins…

With boring policy, conference, and snake discussions out of the way, the Commission can now turn their attention to Sue Frettin’s presentation on the Auto Mark machine, a $6,700 glorified printer that helps enable handicapped people to vote. After demonstrating how the unit works, she invites the entire commission to use it during the next election.

Then she takes the opportunity to go over Election Law 101, which includes such rules as:

Once the polls open, no squad car or officer can come within 100 feet of a poling precinct. The obvious exceptions are if there is a crime being committed or if an on duty officer is casting his vote.

Also, she discourages the cops from stopping to converse with demonstrators. No police radios should be used and generally no use of public funded items can be used to tell or intimidate people on how to vote. Kingston takes issue with this rule, insisting that it’s the cops job to check out the demonstrators to see if anything is going on. Frettin disagrees and says there’s no cause for the officers to stop and if there is cause, the cops will be requested. Kingston wisely, perhaps because he knows he’s wrong, lets the issue rests as he turns a colorful shade of purple for the rest of the meeting. The smoke from his ears nearly sets off the fire alarm.

After the meeting, he’s still irate enough to approach the other editor in the room and insist that Frettin’ has no right to tell him officers can’t stop and talk to demonstrators. Is it healthy for a Chief of Police to have such contempt for the rule of law, even if it is only election law? Is democracy that much of an inconvenience? I apologize for not lightening the mood with a joke but some things are no laughing matter.

The Hero of the Night is Sue Frettin. Rock on and stick to your guns, girl!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Broken Springs Village Council Repeals Free Speech

In a not-so-shocking 6-0 vote, the Broken Springs Village Council passed an ordinance repealing “certain distasteful segments of the First Amendment,” according to Broken Springs Village President-for-Life Jan Chaddwick.

“We couldn’t intimidate Troublemaker Boob, Mrs. Didyaseedat, or that Throat character into reason, and Boob is still gushing his blatantly anti-Chaddwick/Kingston propaganda, so we’ve decided to take a necessary step toward creating the kind of harmony between our two governments that Mr. Brokencan called for,” stated Jan Chaddwick in an exclusive with NFBS. “And this type of emergency measure, drastic as it may sound, is what we believe to be a necessity for restoring order.”

Specifically, the ordinance repeals the last three sentences contained in the First Amendment for the “common citizenry” of Broken Springs: “[Congress shall pass no law]…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Just exactly who is defined as “common citizenry” will be left up to Broken Springs Village Clerk Shady Kingston, according to the ordinance.

“Mrs. Kingston has performed her duties as Village Clerk down to the letter of her job description which, coincidentally, is exactly how I see things,” stated Chaddwick, “and she has, in the past, interpreted Statutes to meet our standard of governing. Matter of fact, if Troublemaker Boob hadn’t abused the First Amendment in the first place, that 'Vote Yes' Police Millage sign would still be in place for this year’s vote, and we wouldn’t have to pay some flunky…sorry, I meant dedicated Village employee…his usual $6.50 an hour to replace the 'Respect for Law Month' wording."

When queried as to the potential selective enforcement of this ordinance, Chaddwick stated, “Well, take a look at Oil Brokencan, for example. He has shown uncommon intellect in his public commentaries; matter of fact, he is the perfect example of 'uncommon citizenry' in our community. The fact that he is the father of our esteemed Village Clerk, as well as the father-in-law of the Police Chief is inconsequential.”

Chaddwick continued, “On the other hand, we feel that Boob and his ilk are very common and, therefore, fit into the definition of our new ordinance quite nicely. We are, once again, setting up our ‘re-education camps’ out at Peckerwood Inn for people like him, who continue to mock and catcall our performance despite our best attempts to unify both governing bodies with reason.”
When questioned about the legality of the Council’s action, Chaddwick laughed so heartily that jelly donut crumbs fell out of the folds of her blouse. She stated, “I’m confident that this will withstand any scrutiny; I’m certain that our County Prosecutor will agree with us; matter of fact, Police Chief Kingston and him have an ‘understanding’ that transcends any potential misstep on our part.”

Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman, contacted at home, said that “Anything that benefits order is fine with me, as long as it's citizens that bear the brunt of it." We asked him to elaborate, but he stated that he had to hang up, on account of his wife having balance problems (something about “missing steps” and a “program” that she’s involved with).

Chaddwick, when given Hyman’s statement, laughed and said “I knew that, once again, we could count on his support”.

Fortunately, NFBS is published in Onoyoko Township and, as such, is not subject to this new ordinance; however, Chaddwick grinned like she had just found a new box of Krispy Kremes and said, “We’re working on Mr. Hildecrust,” whatever that means.

*NFBS wishes to thank a Mr. Otto Titsling for this delicious dirt.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

NFBS's Crime of the Week

By: Choclate Thunda Forever Baby!!!!!

This week's Crime of the Week comes from the files of the Broken Springs Police and Fire Departments. On the week of May 29, 2006, officers were called to the residence of the Broken Springs Police and Fire Department on a report of a larceny of gas. Upon arrival, fellow officers were observed pumping a substance of an undetermined nature (later discovered to be Regular Unleaded Gasoline with an octane rating of 82, just another way Onoyoko Township tries to save a buck) into their patrol cars. Upon further investigation, it was determined that the subjects involved were concluding their patrol shifts and attempting to turn over a properly fueled squad car to the next officer on duty. Once the caller of the complaint was contacted, a Mr. Hildecrust, we were advised that those pesky police officers and fire fighters were stealing fuel “right from under our big red noses” and placing it into their personal vehicles. After several attempts to reason with the caller, trying to explain that the cars he saw were patrol vehicles at the end of their shift, we realized that the real larceny here has occurred in Mr. Hildecrust‘s cranial department over the course of the past several years, or however long he‘s been in public service. Hildecrust later denied making the call, despite the recorded tape of the conversation.

NFBS is requesting the aid of any intelligent persons in Broken Springs (three digit IQs please). If any such people are found, please convince them to run for township and village office. You may leave prospective candidates names and phone numbers at this website’s e-mail address. If you cannot remember their phone number, please copy it off the bathroom wall of the nearest bar.