Broken Springs Village Council Repeals Free Speech

In a not-so-shocking 6-0 vote, the Broken Springs Village Council passed an ordinance repealing “certain distasteful segments of the First Amendment,” according to Broken Springs Village President-for-Life Jan Chaddwick.

“We couldn’t intimidate Troublemaker Boob, Mrs. Didyaseedat, or that Throat character into reason, and Boob is still gushing his blatantly anti-Chaddwick/Kingston propaganda, so we’ve decided to take a necessary step toward creating the kind of harmony between our two governments that Mr. Brokencan called for,” stated Jan Chaddwick in an exclusive with NFBS. “And this type of emergency measure, drastic as it may sound, is what we believe to be a necessity for restoring order.”

Specifically, the ordinance repeals the last three sentences contained in the First Amendment for the “common citizenry” of Broken Springs: “[Congress shall pass no law]…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Just exactly who is defined as “common citizenry” will be left up to Broken Springs Village Clerk Shady Kingston, according to the ordinance.

“Mrs. Kingston has performed her duties as Village Clerk down to the letter of her job description which, coincidentally, is exactly how I see things,” stated Chaddwick, “and she has, in the past, interpreted Statutes to meet our standard of governing. Matter of fact, if Troublemaker Boob hadn’t abused the First Amendment in the first place, that 'Vote Yes' Police Millage sign would still be in place for this year’s vote, and we wouldn’t have to pay some flunky…sorry, I meant dedicated Village employee…his usual $6.50 an hour to replace the 'Respect for Law Month' wording."

When queried as to the potential selective enforcement of this ordinance, Chaddwick stated, “Well, take a look at Oil Brokencan, for example. He has shown uncommon intellect in his public commentaries; matter of fact, he is the perfect example of 'uncommon citizenry' in our community. The fact that he is the father of our esteemed Village Clerk, as well as the father-in-law of the Police Chief is inconsequential.”

Chaddwick continued, “On the other hand, we feel that Boob and his ilk are very common and, therefore, fit into the definition of our new ordinance quite nicely. We are, once again, setting up our ‘re-education camps’ out at Peckerwood Inn for people like him, who continue to mock and catcall our performance despite our best attempts to unify both governing bodies with reason.”

When questioned about the legality of the Council’s action, Chaddwick laughed so heartily that jelly donut crumbs fell out of the folds of her blouse. She stated, “I’m confident that this will withstand any scrutiny; I’m certain that our County Prosecutor will agree with us; matter of fact, Police Chief Kingston and him have an ‘understanding’ that transcends any potential misstep on our part.”

Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman, contacted at home, said that “Anything that benefits order is fine with me, as long as it's citizens that bear the brunt of it." We asked him to elaborate, but he stated that he had to hang up, on account of his wife having balance problems (something about “missing steps” and a “program” that she’s involved with).

Chaddwick, when given Hyman’s statement, laughed and said “I knew that, once again, we could count on his support”.

Fortunately, NFBS is published in Onoyoko Township and, as such, is not subject to this new ordinance; however, Chaddwick grinned like she had just found a new box of Krispy Kremes and said, “We’re working on Mr. Hildecrust,” whatever that means.

*NFBS wishes to thank a Mr. Otto Titsling for this delicious dirt.