Bank Robbed at Squirt Gun Point

Three Fifths Bank was robbed early Friday afternoon by a man wielding a loaded squirt gun and a backpack he claimed was filled with several gallons of extra ammunition. The suspect, who fled the scene with $12,000 and a handful of complimentary lollipops, was caught on the bank’s surveillance camera and an APB has been put out for his arrest.

The robbery caught everyone by surprise, including the bank’s gardener, who was busy watering inside plants when the suspect arrived. “When I saw the squirt gun, I figured he was just another town loony on a hot day. But when he opened fire on my begonia I took offense. ‘I just watered her,’ I told him. ‘Any more water could hurt her.’ That was when he took the flower, pot and all, in his arms and approached the desk.”

According to other witnesses on the scene, the suspect set the flower pot on the counter, pointed his large squirt gun at it and said to the bank clerk, “Hand over all the money or the begonia gets it.”

It wasn’t long before the robber noticed a more fruitful target, however. Every Friday is Casual Dress Day at Three Fifths and bank employee Pam Hucklebee was sporting a tight fitting white tee shirt. The suspect’s new targets were both staring him directly in the face.

“All of a sudden his eyes got as big as watermelons,” remembered a towel draped and terror stricken Hucklebee. “He told me that in addition to all of our money, he also wanted to open a free checking account. When the manager refused him a free checking account, the robber opened fire and all hell broke loose.”

Broken Springs Police were the first law enforcement agency to arrive at the scene, and the robber had already hit several innocent targets by then, including Hucklebee’s nervously heaving torso. Daniel Shame drew his weapon on the bandit but had to drop his revolver when he was struck by a stream of water in the shoulder. He quickly retreated to his squad car for a life saving towel. Backup officers who’d cut their lunch short from Subweigh were of little assistance in capturing the water bandit as he sped away on his bicycle. Chief Kingston explained how the suspect escaped.

“By the time we arrived, Officer Shame was already down. The armed and dangerous bank robber was already on his getaway vehicle. We chased him on foot for several blocks but when he got too far away, all we could do was try to shoot out his tires. Have you ever tried to shoot out the tires on a moving bicycle? It’s no easy task,” said the beleaguered Chief, who walked back to his car with a noticeable limp.

At the end of the day, Three Fifths Bank suffered the loss of $12,143.66 and an undetermined number of lollipops. Three ceiling tiles ended up with water damage, and six employees either need to buy darker colored tee shirts or begin wearing brassieres.

Meanwhile, the begonia has fully recovered.