Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Lights Out on Christmas Decorations

Broken Springs residents have until January 1st to remove all of their outside Christmas decorations, according to a new ordinance passed by the Village Council this Tuesday night. The ordinance, which goes into effect January 2nd gives residents an opportunity to remove potential blight ordinance violations before being cited by blight inspector Daniel Shame.

The new ordinance, which includes inflatable Santas, oversized snow globes, artificial reindeer (with or without red noses) and all Christmas lights, was passed 7-0 after being motioned by Village President Jan Chaddwick, and seconded by Mrs. Chaddwick, Steve, a trustee on the council.

“The Christmas spirit is all about love and kindness, and Christmas decorations symbolize those sentiments, but what Broken Springs residents must realize is that the spirit of love and kindness isn’t intended to extend beyond the Christmas season, especially not here in Broken Springs,” explained Mayor Chaddwick.

Inside sources tell us that Blight Inspector and part time bow hunter Daniel Shame has already compiled a record of potential violators inside the village. He’s making a list (and checking it twice) to find out who intends to be naughty or nice concerning the new rule, and despite his reputation for being a big softie, Daniel Shame insists that he will lay down the law with an iron fist.

“I take my job seriously,” he tells NFBS. “The village council has entrusted me to keep Broken Springs looking as much like St. Joe as possible, without the beach, pier, historical downtown, and nice houses, of course. If I do a good job, Broken Springs will benefit, and so will I because I have a bonus clause in my contract. If conditions improve under my watch, I get a pair of elevator shoes of my choosing.”

The ordinance is expected to come under scrutiny from a group of buttinskis who enjoy running afoul of the law. The perpetually pregnant Bonii Didjaseedat has notified both the Supreme Court and the White House over the violation of her ‘white trash right to leave Christmas lights up year round.’ And she intends to appeal the ordinance at the local level as well.

Ordinance violators wll be fined $25 per light/decoration.

No comments: