Friday, November 04, 2005

Dog's Death Ruled a Suicide

The death of Durango, Daniel Shame’s beloved canine and partner both on and off duty, has been ruled a suicide by a medical examiner. Dr. Carl Daver exhumed the canine at the request of the insurance company, who suspected foul play once the Broken Springs Police Department filed for a large insurance claim on the dog several months ago. According to the agent working the insurance claim, he received a tip that maltreatment may have contributed to its untimely and early demise.

The exhumation of the former K9 unit occurred Thursday morning at 10:30, in the presence of three local officers and a dog coroner, hoping to dig up the truth.

“Mr. Daver’s tests have shown that the dog did not die of natural causes, as was claimed by the BSPD in their insurance claim," said the insurance agent. "In fact, considering the lacerations and the cadaver’s broken neck, we can safely assume that the dog hung himself.”

We at NFBS were cynical. “Whoever heard of a suicidal dog?” But then we remembered who the dog’s handler was.

Daniel Shame, who has recently been under media scrutiny for playing with bows and arrows while on the taxpayer’s dime, insists that Durango died in his loving arms at the vet‘s office and that any broken bones were probably acquired while on duty, ridding Broken Springs of dirty crooks and stray cats.

“He was a tough dog. Once he ran all the way to the police station after I accidentally left him tied to the back bumper of my squad car. He was so tired that morning I gave him an extra milk bone.”

Based on the medical examiner’s findings, the insurance claim was rejected, and Durango was re-interred down by the river. During the second ceremony for Broken Springs four footed fallen hero, evidence of Durango’s suicide floated by us in an empty beer bottle tossed in the river.

Inside the bottle was the following suicide note, shedding some light on how ruff Durango’s life truly was.

After the authenticity of the note was verified (by comparing its handwriting to samples taken from written citations), Daniel Shame broke down in tears and said, “I loved him so much.”

No comments: