Monday, November 14, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

The crowd shuffles in, the rabble rousers making themselves comfortable in the second to last row. Arriving last this month is Mayor Jan Chaddwick, wearing a retro orange striped sundress that fits snug as the clouds on an overcast day. Her late arrival may or may not have something to do with the caffeinated beverage that accompanies her to the meeting. But the presence of what we can only assume is Baileys Irish Cream and coffee foreshadows the night’s tedious discussions.

Once the meeting is called to order, the aforementioned drug induced woman asks if someone has a radio or a cell phone on in the room because she’s hearing voices.

No, that’s just the fabric of your girdle screaming, Ms. Chaddwick.

Our police department, in their infinite dedication to tighten their spending, managed to only have $54,000 worth of bills this month.

The Chief’s Report reports that last month was ‘business as usual’ which is a bit unnerving if you think about it. It’s a good thing our commission doesn’t get paid to think.

Like Commission Chairperson Hildecrust’s belt line, complaints to the police are up 2% this month. Complaints about the police are up significantly more than that.

Commissioner Frugal requests computer generated reports in the future and Chief Kingston responds with the expense of such a request. It may end up costing several thousand dollars for the software alone, which is roughly equivalent to two hours of blackjack, an hour of slots, and a half hour of roulette, not including 8 games of Keno at five bucks a pop.

At this point, I hear the faint buzzing of an unidentified object in the back row. Either one of the cops behind me had a cell phone going off or Daniel Shame’s wife forgot to take Shame Junior out of her purse and the unit was accidentally triggered on when she reached for her mascara.

Car #1, the Tahoe, was auctioned off for $2,200, significantly lower than everyone expected to get for it. Times are tough all over. Next time they’ll have to vacuum the donut crumbs out of the backseat. Either that or get another dog.

The police department is taking applications for a part time clerk to ease the burden put on a very dedicated Diane MacDonald, who’s been working Sundays for 25 years. Your very own Shallow Throat is thinking of applying, just so long as I'm allowed to work on my blog during breaks.

I’ll work for peanuts, just as long as they aren’t nig… um, I mean hazelnuts, right Chief Jim? Whattayasay? Am I hired? I can type (one handed if necessary) and suck up with the best of them. With former experience as a phone sex operator, I can even answer telephones and forge signatures on taser donation checks while bending over the Chief's desk backwards in a short mini skirt.

There was a drug bust on the 400th block of South Cass. A small amount of drugs was turned in… um, I mean confiscated. There was another drug bust on Sunset Drive. Yet another on Mary Jane Avenue and a huge drug bust occurred on Tie Dye Bouledvard. The folks at Stoner Estates are beginning to get nervous.

We’re pleased to report that after 14 years, the Pizza Hut Robber has been put behind bars. Not for robbing our Pizza Hut, but for breaking some other law in some other place that could actually catch him. This is a great relief to the community who feared for awhile that the Pizza Hut Robber was Broken Springs’s own Zodiac Killer, who would eventually die of old age before being caught. Turns out the culprit was dating one of the employees of Pizza Hut, and getting free pepperoni on the side. Officers Allgay and Robbings worked together on the case, and no word yet on how many pizzas came up missing during the investigation.

There was an incident near Short Lake Road that involved a man shooting a 9 mm gun out the window of a moving vehicle. Apparently he’d heard about our law enforcement officials. He was drinking at the time, which may answer the question how he managed to fire 16 bullets without hitting anything at all. Unfortunately we could not verify the rumor that he’s applied to be on our police force.

Commissioner Frugal brings up the fact that “someone” has requested the purchase of Global Positioning Systems for our police vehicles. Despite the well argued plan of that “someone” at the township meetings and on the township website, Chief Jim can’t help but to wonder what good having GPS would do. Also, he pulls some uncited numbers out of a hat and says such a plan would be very expensive. Mayor Chaddwick pipes in that they would also have to hire someone to monitor the system. Chairperson Ernie adds that citizens are tracking our cops anyway, with a small chuckle. So the GPS initiative falls flat without support.

Then the meeting turns interesting with a lengthy debate on how police seminars and conferences should be paid for. Chairperson Hildecrust makes a motion to amend last month’s motion, changing it to say that cops will have to pay for their meals and gas with credit cards to be reimbursed later. Seminar costs and lodging would be paid for up front, but because officers had been reimbursed without receipts in the past, now they should be required to put these costs on their credit cards and be reimbursed before they are charged at the end of the month. Mayor Chaddwick objects, as does presumably a wife of an officer in the audience when they both say that the officers should not have to use their own credit cards, which they may not even have. Comment from audience member Gordon David implies that the officers are fat and resident Bonii Didjaseedat agrees and says that they should have a limit to how much they can spend per meal. Chief Jim explains in a lengthy sermon that what you can buy in Broken Springs for five dollars can cost upwards of $15 in bigger cities.

All this talk of food started to make my own tummy grumble so loud that I missed the final vote on this issue.

My solution is as follows: Plain donuts should be paid for by the department. Glazed and jelly donuts should come out of the cops’ own pockets. No exceptions.

Meeting adjorned.

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