Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Police Commission Meeting

Commission Chairman Ernie Hildecrust steals the fashion spotlight with his MSU Dad sweatshirt. Either he has a child attending Michigan State University or Ernie has been busy spreading his seed amongst the female Spartans.

The meeting begins in the normal boring fashion: approving the last meeting minutes, approving the payment of the bills, and going over the financial report.

Mayor Jan Chaddwick questions whether or not we get our money’s use from our Sam’s Club membership, which costs us $120. Chief Kingston responds that we get quite a few items at Sams, including Polaroid film, which we all know is handy for parties when naked women jump out of birthday cakes.

The Chief’s report indicated the spectacular news that two of our reserve officers had baby girls on the same day, and with the same first name. We at NFBS are trying to confirm the rumor that the girls were conceived on the same double date.

Police car #3 had video equipment trouble which cost $295 to fix, including an oil change. No word yet on whether or not car #3 is Daniel Shame’s car.

Roy Kingsley is back to work after suffering a heart attack. Chairperson Hildecrust says he knows what he’s going through.

The floor then gets turned over to the Police Commission attorney, Charles Amnesia. He informs everyone that the department has been hit with three Freedom of Information Act Requests, which, according to him, were properly responded to. The Herald Palladium’s Tod Huntsell then stands to appeal Amnesia’s decision not to turn over the rest of Daniel Shame’s videotape. In particular, they are asking for the period from 5:00-8:30, or any other time when Shame was flirting with the ladies.

Jim Kingston’s reasons for NOT handing over the videotape are:
To prevent inference in police duty, to prevent the invasion of privacy, and to prevent the revelation of confidential informants.

Not to mention the fact that if he handed the tape over, Shame would get in a whole heap of trouble.

Attorney Amnesia says that if they hand over the entire shift tape, it could aid criminals. Particularly sidewalk supervisors and local buttinskies.

Amnesia implies that there’ve been allegations that the tape has been falsified. Hildecrust and Chaddwick, the only two commission members who’ve viewed the full tape, both admit that they are no camera experts, but the tape seemed real to them.

Ironically during this time, Curly Headed Sandy begins messing with her video camera while she tapes the audience at the meeting.

While Ernie and Jan lick the heels of Attorney Amnesia, Curly Headed Sandy is obliviously silent. Jihad Jan makes it all about money, insisting that they shouldn’t burden the taxpayer with these useless allegations. And Ernie begins crawling under the table, looking for his balls.

The Commission drops the subject for a moment.

Car #1 is to be auctioned off, by Bob Yooper. They can’t remember exactly how much they got for the last one, around $1700-1800.

This weeks’ budget is smaller than last week’s. This week’s is $789,100. The closest player to that amount without going over is the winner of the Showcase Showdown!

There was a plane crash out in Onoyoko Township. It was turned over to the FAA, after they realized that plane crashes needed to be turned over to the FAA. They asked the pilot but since he died on impact he wasn’t much help.

There was a gang fight at Anthony’s University. Apparently it was over some stolen pork.

The bookkeeper complained about cops not turning in all of their receipts from seminars. But who can blame them? So very few hookers give receipts nowadays.

Kingston defended his officers (big surprise there) by saying that sometimes when they drink a bit too much, they forget their receipts. We’ve all done it, he said.

It’d be much easier if they had a department credit card, he said.

Hildecrust said they have no trouble at the Township level, probably because those old farts don’t usually employ female escorts.

Curley Headed Sandy, the personification of oblivion, asks if the PD has a credit card.

Jan Chaddwick makes a motion that the hotel, seminar, and mileage would be paid for, but all else would need receipts to be reimbursed. In other words, Chaddwick’s motion doesn’t change a damn thing.

Now back to this tape deal…

Given the opportunity to deal with it then and there, Attorney Amnesia begins addressing the paper’s appeal. Jim Kingston takes the opportunity to peer over the lawyer’s shoulder as he reads from his legal pad. Amnesia tells the commission that before handing over the portion of the tape in question, the commission ought to view it to make sure there is nothing incriminating on it.

There’s a motion made and passed that leaves it up to Kingston and Amnesia to decide whether or not to hand over the tape. In other words, the commission washes its hands of the deal.

Bonii Didjaseedat makes a public comment, asking why she is not in the tape when she and one of her 92 children were standing on the sidewalk as Shame passed by. She also asks if she received a copy of the original police log.

Attorney Amnesia said he couldn’t answer that question, not because he doesn’t know the answer but because he knows how awful the truth sounds.

Kingston admits that Bonii received a copy of a copy of the log. The original log was copied, the copy was redacted (to eliminate potentially incriminating comments) and the redacted copy was copied and then given to Bonii.

Just before the closed session, Bonii makes another comment, saying that the commission is trying to shift the issue to time in order to sweep the real issue under the rug. That is, the fact that Shame was (and has admitted to) playing while on duty, during a time when someone could’ve been hurt or killed. Her comment is met only with silence, which speaks volumes.

Commissioners go into closed session for the second meeting in a row, kicking the audience out of the room.

Shallow Throat must remember a jacket next time.

When the closed session is over, approximately 40 minutes later, Jan Chaddwick announces that the Chief has been given permission to discipline Shame himself and if further instances arise, the commission will deal with it.

In other words, the whole meeting was a waste of time. Big surprise.

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