Letter from the President
(A reader recently found this letter crumpled up around some doggy doo in Jan Chaddwick's trash bin. Thank you for your keen vigilance, dear reader, who shall be referred to as Bugs Funny)
I was recently misquoted by a reporter from one of the local newspapers (I won't say who the offending party was, but it most definitely was not that nice Cathy from the Journalistic Error: she always publishes everything I write for her, word for word), and I just want to set the record straight, once and for all.
During that recent interview, in the midst of one of my typically brilliant defenses of our local Police Chief Jim Kingston, I happened to mention that that tedious rabble-rouser Troublemaker Bob and his band of merry micromanagers were attempting to take over running the local Police Department. I was quoted as saying "That is extremely risky, [because w]e don't have the expertise or knowledge to do this. We have good leaders. Let them lead." That is not what I said at all. What I actually said was "That is extremely risky, because Troublemaker Bob and his friends don't have the expertise or knowledge to do this, whereas I do. I am a good leader. Let me lead." Friends, let me tell you, none of this foolishness we are currently going through would have happened if I was still head of the Police Commission. Faster than I can blow through a box of Krispy Kremes, I'd have this matter behind us and the local Police Department running as smoothly as the Village's project to replace its aging sewage rendering plant. This whole sorry mess is another example of what happens when you appoint an emasculated little old man (Onoyoko Charter Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust) to do a job which really calls for a big, strong young(ish) woman (me, of course).
I feel that I must address this matter, because my record of leadership can't speak for itself. Fortunately, when it comes to blowing things, I've had a lot of experience, so I feel comfortable blowing my own horn a little. My experience working in an important position in our outstanding local education system has taught me the importance of life-long learning: you can never know too much. That is why throughout my tenure in local government, I have been an unapologetic "know it all". As a result, I adopted the unorthodox "frigid but flexible" micromanagement style which has enabled me to personally oversee each and every detail (no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential) of every problem facing our wonderful community. I urge each and every resident of Broken Springs to examine the results my approach has yielded. When you look closely at what has been accomplished in Broken Springs while I have been in office, you'll be truly amazed. Time and time again I have made decisions which clearly demonstrate that, when it comes to local issues, no one else has the kind of expertise or knowledge that I have. I have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that no one else could ever come close to being the kind of leader that I am. Of course, you don't have to take my word for it: ask anyone who knows what's good for them. Ask one of your neighbors like that accomodating Judy Ostrich. Better yet, ask the Village Clerk (Chief Kingston's lovely wife), or any of my carefully hand-picked colleagues on the Village Council. They'll all tell you: without me, Broken Springs would not be in the condition it is today.
My friends, if you stop to think about it, you'll realize that the best thing that could possibly happen in our community would be a recall of Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust (a pathetic excuse for a leader if ever there was one) followed by my subsequent election as Township Supervisor. Although it might seem unusual for me to simultaneously serve as both Village President and Township Supervisor, I can assure you that I am no stranger to unusual positions. Furthermore, I'm confident there is no legal impediment to my holding both offices at the same time, because the Village's attorney, J.D. Frankfurtive, has looked into the matter, and after months of constant, daily research, has found nothing. The truth is, simultaneously holding both offices would be a big step toward realizing my life-long dream of streamlining local government by centralizing power in the right hands (mine, of course). Consolidating the two offices under my leadership would make local government far more efficient (for example, I wouldn't have to waste any more time putting that pathetic Ernie Hildecrust in his place again and again). If I held both offices, everyone's life would be simpler and better: everyone would know exactly who they had to answer to. Consolidating the two offices under my leadership would also create tremendous cost savings (for example, we would no longer need a separate, expensive, five-member Police Commission: I would make all police-related decisions unilaterally). In turn, those abundant savings would allow me to ensure your safety and well-being by continuing certain local practices which are currently under scrutiny (for example, Chief Kingston would be able to continue using his time-saving "minimal accountability" financial practices: police officers wouldn't be required to waste their time filling out silly things like expense reports and purchase requistion forms, thereby keeping valuable police man-hours free for truly vital tasks, such as protecting decent, God-fearing citizens from the likes of Troublemaker Bob).
My fellow Onoyoko Township residents, I've said it before. The solution to every problem our community currently faces is simple: let me lead. As I mentioned earlier, time and time again I have made decisions which clearly demonstrate that, when it comes to local issues, no one else has the kind of expertise or knowledge that I have. I've shown you what I can do to Broken Springs. I urge each and every one of you to give me the chance to do to Onoyoko Township what I've done to Broken Springs. Dump that loser Ernie Hildecrust and acknowledge my unique managerial abilities by electing me Township Supervisor. Once I simultaneously hold the offices of Township Supervisor and Village President, I am confident that in less time than it took me to go through that $500,000 settlement check from the Township, Chief Kingston and I (working closely together night and day) will be able to drive Troublemaker Bob and his malodorous mob of malicious malcontents from our fair community and have things in Broken Springs and Onoyoko Township once again heading the "right" way.
I hope this helps set the record straight.