Thursday, July 14, 2005

Another Letter from the Prez

Dear Editor:

Recently, local buttinski-in-chief Troublemaker Bob has alleged that Police Chief Kingston is responsible for inefficiency and waste in our local Police Department. I am concerned that, unless something is done, more and more of our local residents may be dazed and confused by what certainly appears to be a compelling case against Chief Kingston. Accordingly, I have made the difficult decision to release some previously classified information.

In one of the intelligence briefings that I receive from Chief Kingston first thing every morning (when I'm in bed, Chief Jim is hard at work) it was clearly established that many of Bob's cast of shady co-conspirators are the same so-called "concerned-citizens" who, despite living in raw sewage up to their eyeballs, fought like rabid animals to prevent our beautiful community from getting the new sewage rendering plant Broken Springs so desperately needs (our current plant has been mere seconds away from failure for several years now). I can confidently tell you that if not for this loud and obnoxious little band of buttinskies, I personally would have seen to it that our new sewer plant was up and running long ago. What does any of this have to do with Police Chief K and his waste and inefficiency, you may well ask. Let me explain it to you. You may have read recently in the Journalistic Error about the Broken Springs Streetscape project, and how we received some grant money from the state to help pay for this project. What the article didn't tell you is that planning for this project began years ago, and that the original plan called for putting free public toilets on every street corner in Broken Springs (we had to drop this proposal from the final solution because our engineer - Fleece M. Tildeybroke - informed me our old plant simply can't handle a big load). If I had been able to implement the project as originally planned, it would have caused an explosion in local tourism, because senior citizens would have flocked here in droves, knowing that they need never fear being caught short. This in turn would have caused a local economic boom. Existing businesses would have been revitalized (for example, cash-strapped local fruit farmers could have replaced their old, unprofitable apple orchards with plum trees, to meet the growth in local demand for prunes: an added benefit is that this would have helped preserve local farmland). And new businesses would have opened to accomodate the demand for new goods and services from senior citizens (24-hour hearing-aid repair, and geritol smoothie stands, for example). This boom in local business would of course have increased our local tax base exponentially. Long story short, as a result we wouldn't have needed an additional police millage, the current millage would have provided sufficient funds to cover all of Chief Kingston's unauthorized expenditures (including his forays into the distressed flare market). What the heck, we probably would have been offering property tax refunds/rebates by now. So you see, my fellow Broken Springers, it's a provable fact. All this talk about inefficiency and waste in our local police department being caused by Chief Kingston is just a smoke screen. Troublemaker Bob and his know-nothing friends are just trying to hide the fact that they are the ones who have made it necessary to ask for a millage increase.

Earlier, I referred to the daily intelligence briefings I receive from Chief Kingston. Because of security concerns, I cannot share all of the information in those briefings with you, the mere public. However, I can tell you that I have learned that the terrorist threat posed by Troublemaker Bob and his band of buttinskies is a real and present danger to each and every resident of our fair community. Apparently, people from all walks of life in Broken Springs are beginning to question authority, and demand meaningful answers to deep, probing questions. Now normally, I'm not averse to a little deep probing, if it's done by the right person(s). In this case, however, unless something is done immediately, this contagion will spread, and more and more residents will begin to scrutinize my every move and every word with a hostile eye (and as Ms. Ostrich astutely noted, no one in Broken Springs can withstand that kind of scrutiny). If, God forbid, that was to happen, not only will everything I have worked so hard to accomplish during my protracted term of office be threatened, the privileged life I have been able to enjoy throughout that term of office will also be jeopardized. In turn, each and every one of you will also be threatened. How? If I am no longer in office, there will be no one to dictate enactment of local laws and ordinances to specify the petty offenses and infractions that Chief Kingston and I rely on to control the undesirable elements that make up an ever-larger percentage of our once pure, clean and white community. That simply cannot be allowed to happen. We must all work together to stop this creeping menace now! That is why I have asked our local congressman, Fred Upstart, to see if Broken Springs can get a Department of Homeland Security or similar Federal grant to establish our own website to combat these scurrilous local terrorists. Our community needs a forum to expose each and every one of you to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as Chief Kingston and I see it.

Next, I'd just like to say a word or two about Chief Kingston's tireless public service. Troublemaker Bob and company go beyond the pale when they belittle the many selfless actions of our beloved local Chief Kingston. When it comes to public service, Chief Kingston is truly without peer. This is particularly true when it comes to "women's issues." I know for a fact that Chief Kingston has done more to service the needs of more of our local female residents than any other local public official. He is literally willing to work around the clock (and would not hesitate to go around the world) to satisfy a local woman's needs if the situation required it. Furthermore, I have not had one local woman approach me and say anything negative about her experience with Chief Kingston. On the other hand, I've had so many local women say to me, "Chief Kingston isn't like our other police officers: you get an immediate response from him. It only takes a little gentle oral persuasion and Chief Kingston will come through for you over and over again. Why don't they just leave this superfine man alone?" I agree wholeheartedly. I should add that in my personal experience, I have always found Chief Kingston willing and eager to drop whatever he might be working on and pop by Chez Chaddwick (day or night) for a "quickie" consultation when an urgent need arises. The problem is, Chief Kingston's critics just don't know him the way so many of us do. Yes, he can sometimes be hard when the situation demands it, but we know that most of the time he's just an old "softie." Still, us local gals know that we can always count on our little Jimmy to rise to the occasion when needed. That's more than can be said about that worthless Troublemaker Bob.

Finally, I just want to express my appreciation to Chief Kingston's lovely wife. Not only is she a close personal friend, she is a valued colleague in local government: one who I can always depend on to immediately do exactly what I command. Furthermore, I want to publicly thank her for having the patience and understanding to allow Chief Kingston to spend so much time away from his family performing his many selfless public service acts. Our community is fortunate that Chief Kingston is married to a woman who is perceptive enough to realize that permitting him to be out performing those many touching, feeling acts night after night allows him to receive a special type of gratification he would never get if he was forced to stay at home with his family. Not every wife would so graciously allow her husband to minister continuously to the needs of others. Her forbearance tells you a lot about the type of man Chief Kingston is. I know that I speak for everyone who has been privileged to have been touched in some way by Chief Kingston when I say that our lives have been more fulfilled because we have known him.


Jan Chaddwick

(NFBS again wishes to thank the ever vigilant Bugs Funny for rummaging through the Mayor's trash and piecing this letter together like a jigsaw puzzle)

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