Sunday, August 05, 2007

Thanks for the Memories, the Heartache, and the Trauma

Former Broken Springs Police Chief James Earl Kingston was recently honored for his 30 plus years of disservice to the community of Broken Springs. Nine friends and 32 relatives met at the Divided Unitarian Church to pay tribute to Broken Springs’s longest serving top cop, who was recently canned by the Township Board for being an inadequate piece of horse manure.

The former Chief received many cards, gifts, handshakes, and pinches on the butt from the sitting room only crowd last Wednesday night.

Shockingly we at NFBS were not invited to this prestigious event. Apparently the Broken Springs Post Office lost our invitation in the mail, an unfortunate error that will not be forgotten during the Christmas tip season. We’re sure the Kingston Klan regrets the error, and their letter of apology has also unfortunately suffered the same un-received fate as the original invite. We’re sure our presence (and presents) were sorely missed. Despite the mistake, we will report the highlights of the six hour long tribute, as reported to us from the tape recorder we planted under the church’s alter.

Former Broken Springs Cop Daniel Shame presented Jimmy with a walker that doubles as a TV tray, with which Jim can use to eat his beans and weanies without ever missing a single spin of the Wheel of Fortune.

Local Veternarian Phillip Wrecht presented the former Chief with three dozen unwanted cats and dogs from his animal hospital, almost all of which were spayed and neutered, just like Kingston himself.

Sheriff Paul Bunion invited Jim to wear a brown uniform after January 1st. When asked later if he’d consider the option, Kinston told us he’d rather work for Fed Ex than UPS.

Janice Wisealeck shared a story about a time before cops gave out tickets for mufflers that dragged on the ground. She said Jimmy once “negro-rigged” her parent’s muffler with his own two hands and for that he will always be a gentleman in her heart. And the bill he sent them later for eighty dollars was very reasonable, she added.

Longtime friend and brown-noser Chuck Flint praised Kingston for having the courage to play sports in his youth, despite being a small little weakling who would later grow up to don a holster and a gun to compensate for his size inadequacies.

Carol Gilman presented the former Chief with a red, white, and blue quilt that she started back when Jimmy was a mere patrolman and he once let her slide out of a speeding ticket when she only had three minutes to get to Slaters Supermarket before they closed. The colors of the quilt are symbolic, according to Gilman. Red represents the blood of his enemies someday filling the streets of Broken Springs. White represents Kingston’s superior race and ethnicity, and blue signifies his temperament after being forced into early (yet profitable) retirement.

And octarian Karen Plug commended the size of Kingston’s package, particularly around the holidays when he’d deliver his packages to all the needy people in Broken Springs.

Had we been at the ceremony we would have presented the former Chief with a distinction that goes something like this:

Thank you Jim Kingston for all the inspiration you gave us to report your many wonderful accomplishments.

Thank you for not registering Operation Christmas Care Bear with the state of Michigan, thereby having an otherwise reputable charity investigated by the state police not once but two times.

Thank you for unlawfully cashing the taser donation checks which you solicited before the purchase of tasers was even approved by the police commission.

Thank you for not holding former Officer Daniel Shame responsible for his childlike antics, from illegally searching minors to his bow and arrow target practice in a different township while on duty and being paid by the taxpayers to keep the streets of Broken Springs safe from people like himself.

Thank you for taking part in the political campaign of Jan Chaddwick while you were on medical leave. Thank you for keeping that black man running against her in his proper place, which is under the heal of the white man in power.

Thank you for using an accurate descriptive word for the entire black race, while in their company in a local restaurant. Thank you for saying it loud enough for them to hear and be offended. Thank you for then admitting it to the Herald Republican.

Thank you for purchasing and using an illegal Bionic Ear to spy on potential criminals in our quaint little town.

Without terrific qualities such as these there would be no NFBS.

But most of all, thank you for helping to shut down that pesky read-by-no-one online rag called the Urinal Era. Had you not helped to shut that first amendment protected website down, News from Broken Springs, which is currently read daily by dozens, might never have been born, and you wouldn’t be reading this here and now.

You were truly an inspiration, Jim. We’ll never ever forget you.

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