Monday, August 20, 2007

Hi and Low-Lights from the Broken County Youth Fair

It’s that time of year again. Did everyone enjoy the fair? Me neither. I had such a rotten time the first time I was there, I went back again, which either means I’m a masochist or I lead a very dull life. Perhaps a bit of both. But if you were one of the lucky ones who didn’t attend this year’s fair, here is what you didn’t miss.

By far the best part of this year’s fair - and this is a little sad - was the APA pool booth in Commercial Building #3. As some of you may already know, I’ve been an APA member for four years and counting and any place with a pool table is like Heaven to me. John Easton, local league operator, runs a Fast Rack Contest that’s free to try every four hours. If you can make six balls in the least amount of time, you win a free tee shirt with the approximate value of $1.49. Well, I’m not fast at anything I do, except tending bar, and least of all pool. I play slower than a handicapped snail crawls, so I was mighty proud of my best score of 35 seconds. Unfortunately it wasn’t fast enough to win a shirt. I was beat by a carnie named Dave. And despite my best efforts, John resisted my pleadings for a tee shirt, which means I’m gonna have to sucker some poor soul into strip pool some night - all because John Easton is being stingy with his tee shirts. Either that or I could wait a couple months and find one on the racks of Goodwill.

The few times I ventured away from the pool table booth at the fair, I wandered around the animal barns, where I saw many interesting things.

The goat pens are getting smaller and smaller every year. This one here couldn’t have been more than 2x2, with barely enough room to stand up, let alone lay down. It almost made me want to call the ASPCA. But then I wandered over to the rabbit barn, where not only were the rabbits penned up claustrophobically, but they were also made to listen to the music of Toby Keith on the barn‘s speaker system. Talk about torture! There was no listening to anything in the chicken/duck/and turkey barn, other than a bunch of roosters with time deficient biological clocks. They were cock-a-doodle dooing all night long. It was enough to make the ducks quack up.

This two legged goat was a big attraction. According to his sign, he was born next to the Crook Nuclear Plant. Sadly, I heard that the five legged sheep died on its way to the Fair. Bless his five hearts.

These Siamese Goats were joined at the neck.

I found a horse with a hairdo much like my own. And that’s not all we had in common. Apparently at some point in her past, she’d slept with a total ass. Her bastard mule wasn’t getting any attention in the “Wonders of Birth” barn, but I thought he was cute.

Other than animals, the Broken County Youth Fair has the same crappy rides every year, and the same high priced food. The only exception is the Fiends of Broken Springs Korn Dog Stand, which was the busiest food joint there. In all, the beau-friend and I consumed thirteen korn dogs, not counting the one I’m having genetically tested at the lab as we speak. The Fiends of Broken Springs will not release the recipe for their infamous korn dogs, but I’ll discover the secret ingredient if it kills me.

I was glad to see the Republican Building even less busy than the Health Department's STD tent. Does that mean that even conservative Broken County is waking up and smelling the goat's milk?

The Historical Building was a disappointment this year. Last year this building had information about the House of David and the history of the Fairgrounds property. This year the entire building was basically a poster contest of fair families genealogies, whose only intention seemed to be gaining sympathy for third and fourth generations of fair volunteers. The only thing that puzzled me is that everyone in these pictures were smiling gleefully and not weeping uncontrollably.

All in all, I’m looking forward to next year’s fair, if only to make a killing at my rival korn dog stand.

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