Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Millage Drinking Game

In order to better endure the passage of the millage, not to mention paying higher taxes to fund the continuation of the status quo in Broken Springs, we at NFBS offer the following drinking game. For those unfamiliar with drinking games, one needs only a beverage (preferably alcoholic in order for the drinking game to be most effective) and a container with which to drink it from. In olden days of Broken Springs, the white man used the skulls of Indians from which to sip his Pabst Blue Ribbon. But one needn’t human skulls to ride the magic carpet three sheets to the wind. A simple shot glass works fine.

The rules are simple. Say you pick up the latest Journalistic Error or are eating breakfast with your pro-millage buddies... whatever boring thing it is you do on a day to day basis in Broken Springs. Below is a list. Every time you’ve encounter one of the below listed scenarios, pour yourself a drink, tip it to the moon and don’t look back. Guaranteed to make you forget all about that pesky millage.

Have a drink for every time you:

  • Saw a police officer or an officer’s family member holding a VOTE YES sign.
  • Saw a civilian’s vehicle with paint obstructing their windows, urging a Yes Vote.
  • Saw a police car conveniently at or near a polling precinct during election hours.
  • Saw a “Vote Yes” advertised on official Broken Springs tax funded property.
  • Saw a BS policeman wave and smile at a possible yes voter.
  • Read/heard a supporter insist that voting for the millage would save the life of some random old person just waiting for the millage to pass before they have their next heart attack.
  • Read a pro-millage editorial using any of the following labels to describe millage opponents: sidewalk supervisor, buttinsky, micromanager.
  • Read/heard a supporter say/write, “This vote is not about tasers.”
  • Read/heard a supporter say/write, “This vote is not about Jim Kingston.”
  • Read/heard a supporter say/write, “Jim Kingston is a good man.”
  • Read/heard a supporter implying that the town is safer now, even though we’re no safer than we were before the millage.
  • Read/heard a supporter requesting that an opponent move out of Broken Springs.
  • Read/heard a supporter imply that opponents haven’t lived in Broken Springs as long as they have, and therefore aren’t as capable of making informed judgments.
  • Read “both sides” in the Journalistic Error, which coincidently argue the same yes position.
  • Read on the millage support list a name of someone who told you personally they didn’t support the millage.
  • Read/heard a politician insist that the extra mill would not raise the police’s budget.
  • Read/heard a supporter blame the Township for bailing out on the Village in the subsidization of the police department.
  • Read a Chaddwick quote that implied that millage supporters were smarter than opponents.
  • Read a Chaddwick quote that implied that millage opponents are not only stupid, but liars as well.

WARNING: Alcohol consumption is a dangerous thing. Even our wonderful police tip a few too many now and again. I only bring that up to demonstrate that no one is immune. The most sensible person, if drunk, is likely to strip naked and dance on barstools, and in even more extreme examples, perform karaoke Saturday nights in the Coyote’s Watering Hole. Also worth noting is how one should not drive after playing this game. That’s a sure fire way to get a one way cab ride down to St. Joe for a free night’s stay in the Riviera Hotel with bars on the windows. So hide the car keys, BSers, and heal thyself.

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