Monday, August 01, 2005

FOJ Memo

Concerned about the passing of the millage tomorrow, the Broken Springs Onoyoko Police Department has put together a list of brainstormed ideas to raise the additional monies needed in order to assure their continued employment. NFBS has been fortunate enough to acquire a copy of the proposed plans via our top secret mole implanted deep within the FOJ organization. The following is a verbatim copy of the memo sent out this morning:

Dear loyal and dedicated Police Defenders,

As you’re aware, tomorrow is the day our community decides the fate of our faithful and hardworking police department. Due to the hard work and devotion of many Friends Of Jim, we expect nothing short of a stunning victory for our side. We have an enormous amount of faith in our townsfolk to make the right decision and pass this very necessary millage. However, if those immoral buttinskies, sidewalk supervisors, and micromanagers get their way, Broken Springs will be policed with nothing more than flyswatters and bb guns.

Rest assured, dear defenders of law and order, we are in no way conceding defeat! We are only planning for the worst case scenario just in case the pendulum of democracy doesn’t swing our way. With that in mind, we’ve proposed a list of very tentative ideas to help retain our current staff of buff men in tight uniforms. These are primarily fund raising ideas, as the biggest thing standing in between us and chaotic anarchy in the streets of BS is $189,000. In order to replace such a large sum of money that the Township was too tight fisted to donate, we need to put in place one or all of the following projects.

Remember in elementary school when you used to trick your mother into baking a dozen cookies only to bring them to school and have everyone make fun of the little green sprinkles in them… but boy did they sell good! You sold out in the first ten minutes while classmates couldn’t give away the stale windmill cookies their mothers’ bought at the store for 89 cents.

We have many an experienced baker in the FOJ, including Mayor Jan Chaddwick herself, whose size alone advertises her expertise. She makes brownies laced with arsenic to die for! I can already see them being gobbled up by all the micromanagers in our community.

Either we could hire high school girls in bikinis to soap up cars (and themselves in the process) while innocently giggling, bouncing their bosoms up and down in a carefree manner and charge between twenty and thirty dollars per wash, or we could insist that our brave men in blue show their ability to handle long hoses and charge a more modest figure of five dollars per wash. The latter option also assures them the ability to “accidentally drop” illegal substances beneath car floorboards of those cars driven by perceived enemies of the town, such as those cars carrying the FIRE JIM bumper stickers or those that say F*&% THE POLICE. Results from this project may come back to benefit us in the long term.

The police station is a virtual pigpen of useless junk that could be sold or auctioned to one of the many packrats in our community who violate the blight ordinances with dumpster junk they find during our community wide village garage sales. Chief Kingston’s desk alone holds a gold’s mine in knick knacks and office supplies that may be valuable to the BSer interested in local history in the making. For example, before typing out this memo, I took a gander in the Chief’s desk and I found three loose bank deposit slips, five old Keno receipts and a matchbook from the Ramada Inn with the words “Call me, Bambi” and a phone number written in the inside cover. What BS connoisseur wouldn’t faint just to hold such sacred items that will only rise in value?

Only as a last resort should we become a group of vigilantes who take the law into our own hands. The anarchy which will result from a smaller police force will begin destroying Broken Springs from the inside out until the public citizenry will not be able to take it any longer, demanding a revote on the millage and a passing of whatever taxes necessary to fund a full time police force.

We know a guy who knows a guy whose chauffer who also works in the stables for a certain horse to be entered in next year’s Derby. He assures us that the pony is a shoe in to win. Just a few dollars from each of us could possibly raise more than our required amount, but obviously, we’d have to wait until next May before we see a dime.

Hopefully none of these options will be required after tomorrow’s vote. But just in case things don’t sway our way, keep them in mind for possible future scenarios.

Yours Sincerely,
Cheri Kingston
Village Perk

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