Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Millage Passes!

Eight full time cops are breathing a sigh of relief tonight, as word hit the street that the millage passed in Tuesday’s election for the Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police Department. The full time staff was threatened with layoffs had 200 wonderful Broken Springs citizens not bothered to be the deciding factor in the unusually close election. To celebrate, the police decided to take the night off harassing young people, blacks, and women.

No, that last part’s not true. They never take the night off. They were out in full force just the same as always, circling the town like buzzards over road kill, because “it is what they do.” Translation: They have nothing better to do in backwards Broken Springs on a Tuesday night after the millage vote assured them their average salary of $38,000 plus benefits and all the donuts they can eat.

Opponents of the millage, (of which I’m not one, for the record… I voted yes yes yes, you know it, give Jimmy more money, here, take my wallet!) Um, where was I? Opponents of the millage said the usual things that losers say after wasting a lot of time losing an election… “We made great strides tonight,” and “This isn’t the end, but the beginning.”

Supporters of the millage, which included all the business owners with money to burn and/or reputations to uphold, not to mention the entire Kingston family (the current count is 285) had these comments: “Suck on this, ya losers, na na na na na,” as they stuck out their tongues in typical five year old fashion.

Those who didn’t give a flying flamingo either way, which include most of the town and those too stoned and/or drunk to even realize that it was election day, obviously had no comments except for the occasional, “Has it been four years already?” and “I thought we voted in November,” while they scratched dandruff out of their hair and waited in the drive through at Burger King.

The next millage election is scheduled for next August, when the current 3 mills will be on the ballot for renewal.

(The author of this article would just like to apologize to NFBS readers for drifting from the objective reporting that you, dear reader, are used to. The author has had an upset stomach ever since seeing Mort Allgay in shorts late this afternoon as he valiantly held his VOTE YES sign across the street from the library. The author then tried to quell the condition with a fifth of tequila but the cure turned out to be more harmful than the disease. As a result, the author has had to resort to a bit of slang editorializing in between episodes of massive vomiting between paragraphs.

The author also hopes that the reader in no way correlates the author’s health condition and/or the author’s decision start slamming Tequila shooters to the passing of the millage. No way, no how. In fact, we here at NFBS join the author in APPLAUDING our faithful YES voting citizenry for keeping all those old people alive whose lives would be threatened without 24/7 police coverage. Because if there’s one thing Broken Springs needs, it’s definitely more old people. Just as long as they’re not black.)

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