Saturday, February 11, 2006

BCSD to purchase Retard Helmets

By our new correspondent, Chocolate Thunda

According to an anonymous inside source, the Mounting Division of the Broken Springs Sheriff’s Department is planning to buy safety helmets for those brave and dedicated chaps who volunteer to mount and ride horses in an attempt to keep the streets of Broken County free of criminals but unfortunately not so free of horse dung. The helmets, which will cost varying amounts depending on ear room, will prevent the re-injury to those already suffering enough brain damage to qualify for the Mounting Division to begin with. Total cost of the gargantuan melon protectors will be $9,000, and local Police Chief Jim Kingston has already begun soliciting private donations to aid his colleague, Sheriff Paul Bunyon, in their purchase. Kingston hopes that eventually the Broken Springs Police Commission will authorize bulletproof retard helmets for his squad division, particularly to prevent officer injury while patrolling the streets near Slater’s Supermarket around sundown on Friday nights.

In his press conference, Sheriff Paul Bunyon explained the retard helmet necessity simply. “The helmets will minimize any further damage to the cranial regions of my division. If I can better protect my deputies, they can better protect you. Then I can be re-elected, and with another four years, I can propose armored suits to minimize injury even more. Then I can be re-elected again, and within the next four years, I can introduce robotic Mounties that will do twice the job for half the pay.”

Division Captain Sunny Brooke took over the podium to describe the many falls suffered by the officers in the last ten years. All of them, he was sure to point out, were totally unrelated to the use of illegal drugs, except that one time when an officer on horseback tripped over and accidentally inhaled a lit marijuana plant.

However needed they may be, helmets may not be a certainty for the department due to financial harships within the department. Bunyon is currently up to his elbows trying to trim his nine million dollar budget. In the meantime, Division members are planning a bake sale to help raise money for the brain buckets. They’re also considering putting out an X rated calendar tentatively titled “Mounting Mounties.”

Meanwhile, the Sheriff’s Department always has the support of Jim Kingston and his local Doughnut Testers of America Chapter in Broken Springs."My department and I are dedicated to assisting in the laundering of the money needed by the sheriff to get the tas... er, I mean helmets. After Paul helped pass the millage by speaking on my behalf at the police commission meeting, I feel I owe him and his four legged friends. Not to mention his loyal testimony in the Christmas Care Bear investigation. The least we can do is help his retarded deputies get protective helmets so when their horses slip on their drool we won‘t have to scrape their brains up from our sidewalks."

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