Trump blames Alt Left for Cross Dressed Statues

An angry and mentally battered President Trump condemned the Alt-Left for vandalizing Confederate Statues in several cities overnight, including dressing one up in a pink bra and layered skirt.

“Where’s the fake news now?” tweeted Trump at 5:35 AM Wednesday morning. “Why no reporting on violent vandals dressing heroes up as trannies?” Trump shared a Fox & Friends story about overnight vandalism in Louisiana where unknown suspects garbed a statue of Jefferson Davis in a pink bra and matching skirt. The statue's fingernails on one hand were painted red, white, and blue, indicating that law enforcement interrupted the vandals in the middle of the act. The Fox & Friends story didn’t identify the culprits and so far they are unknown to local authorities but the all white panel did speculate that the vandals may have blended into the darkness as they escaped. And the President, not waiting for all the facts to be released, assumed it was violent protesters of the Alt-Left, coming at Davis, armed with clubs, and without a permit.

Several seemingly coordinated acts of vandalism happened elsewhere in the nation, included someone putting a girdle on Stonewall Jackson in West Virginia, and vandals giving a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest, a Lieutenant General for the Confederacy and also the 1^st Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, a very flamboyant makeover in Alabama. It was first suspected that vandals also attacked the J. Edgar Hoover statue in our nation’s Capitol, but upon closer inspection, his monument was not vandalized, after all. 

When pressed at this afternoon’s press conference, the President said, “Look, whoever it was, it was some bad hombres, or maybe some darkies the cops couldn’t see running away. They can climb pretty good, you know. It’s in their genes from years in the jungle.” After the collective gasp from the press corps, Trump continued, “Nobody wants to say it, but I will say it. That’s just science.”

Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen nearby staring at his shoes.

A White House statement soon followed the press conference, which stated, “The Department of Justice has been instructed to bring to justice whomever cross dressed several sacred monuments nationwide. These vandals will be caught, and will not terrorize this great nation any longer.”