Police Commission Meeting

You’d think by all the cars in the parking lot, the place would be packed. But apparently all those cars were from a party at the Weather Park next door. And according to a posting on the bulletin board outside the building, several Onoyoko Township board members were expected to arrive. But other than those on the Police Commission, none showed up. Perhaps they were at the party.

The commission, minus Attorney Amnesia playing hooky (at the party?), begins the meeting by looking over the bills. Jan Chaddwick makes a recommendation that they not pay for the sports page with public funds because someone may oppose sports and raise a stink. Chief Kingston said he’d check into it. This is just a hunch, but my guess is Chaddwick has never been much into sports other than Sumo wrestling.

Ernie Hildecrust publicly thanks everyone for passing the millage and Kingston follows suit, and then some. He says the businesses who supported the millage should be thanked as well because many of them were victims of threats from millage opponents. No, not real threats, of course. Just capitalistic bullying, the American way. Personally, threatening to take my business elsewhere has never been a tactic of mine. If I needed to stay at a seedy hotel, for example, I’d most likely stay at the Broken Springs Inn just to save the gas mileage on my car. But that’s just me.

There were threats of a different nature at the Methodical Church. Someone, apparently mistaking the Church for a local tavern, wrote obscenities and bomb threats on the bathroom walls. And several obtrusive glory holes needed to be covered with duct tape.

Our best pizza joint was also robbed last month. The burglars snuck in through a front window of the downtown business, in plain view. No word yet on whether the culprits are the same ones responsible for the robbery at Pizza Slut some years ago. But if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s this: if in doubt, hide the pepperoni.

Four juveniles were caught in a fight at the school. One child in particular had just gotten out of juvy and was anxious to go back. He’s one of our problem children, and you know what that means… someday we’ll be employing him as a police officer.

Mel Gibson’s not alone. There was an abundance of DUIs last month, particularly repeat offenders, some blowing as much as 30 on the blood alcohol test. I’m fairly certain that Kingston meant point thirty on the BAC test, because if someone blew a 30, they’d be a walking bottle of Budweiser, not to mention dead. I can’t help but wonder if any of the drunk drivers helped hang the Township maps on the wall behind the Commissioners as part of their community service. Ray Charles could‘ve hung them straighter.

One DUIer had the unfortunate experience to be arrested by Broken Springs Super Copper Daniel Shame. He was carrying a concealed weapon and a shotgun. The suspect, that is, not Shame. After he was tased twice by the Sheriff’s Department, his passenger got out of the vehicle quickly and obediently, mentioned the Chief. Was this a not so subtle foreshadowing for another taser discussion? Well, not only would tasers have been convenient in this case, but they would’ve been real fun to fire at three in the morning on the bypass. Why should the Sheriff’s Department get to have all the fun, anyway?

There was then a brief mention about Operation Raincoat, which apparently is some consolidated effort of ourselves and eight other agencies to find meteorologists guilty of welfare fraud.

And again, our Broken Springs Crazies have been causing havok. Officer Allgay needed a taser at an elderly home. And did we mention that several old ladies (and one old man) got their purses stolen at the Methodical Church?

No wonder Broken Springs is full of a bunch of Seventh Day Adventurers. It’s dangerous to be a Methodist.

The Commission then passed the NIMS resolution, which has something to do with shooting terrorists on sight. The Chief shows everyone exactly why he’s head of the department. His literacy is surprisingly good, if a bit monotone. You’d never be able to guess that he graduated from Broken Springs High.

Actually NIMS is the National Incident Management System, and has nothing to do with shooting terrorists. But that’s kinda boring, isn’t it?

At this point in the meeting, Curly Headed Sandy admits, not for the first time in her life, that she’s confused. Remember last month’s meeting when all of the policies drafted by the Attorney were discussed? No? Well neither does the rest of the commission. Sandy, meanwhile, had done all her homework and read the policies, making diligent notes in the margins. She was fully prepared to discuss these policies this meeting but Attorney Amnesia’s Absence prevented such a discussion. Chairman Hildecrust told everyone that they could forget about it next month again.

Bob Frugal asks some frugal questions about expenses, assuring that money isn’t being thrown down the drain any more than usual.

Then the floor gets handed over to Mayor Jan Chaddwick, who’d passed around a handout before the meeting. She intended to clarify the Village’s position on the possible *dissolution* of the police department, which she assured they are NOT worried about on the council. The packet included copies of the letter she sent Ernie, and his response, and a copy of the letter sent to her by the Township Clerk. She accused Debra Hate from the Herald Pollution of sensationalistic journalism because of the article that ran in the August 11th paper.

Basically it all boils down to this:
Because the Village Council is concerned about the future of the police department, they’ve requested, in the event that the department is *dissolved*, their share of the funds to establish their own department or contract the service out. But when it was made clear by Township Clerk Sue Frettin that any such transfer of current millage funds would be illegal, Mayor Chaddwick wishes to clarify that the Village is NOT asking for those funds after all. They’re merely asking that the department not be *dissolved.*

Got it? Get it. Good.

* Note: Dissolve is the Village’s word. As far as I’m aware, the Township formed the committee to research the administration of the department, possibly changing the makeup of the Police Commission itself and not the actual department.

Personally, if I were in charge of the makeup of the commission, I'd use less blush and more eye shadow. Maybe a lighter shade of lipstick as well.

A research committee member and possible mole, El Gordo Davis, happened to be in the audience of the meeting. He mentioned that he was outmanned (by two women and a boob) on many discussions in the meetings. But his concern was over the legality of taping the research committee’s meetings. Hildecrust played a Kingston, claiming ignorance on the matter, while Kingston’s better half (if there is such a thing), Cherry, believed that these meetings fall under the Open Meetings Act and should be open to being taped. Apparently the four person committee discusses too much for little Gordo to remember and repeat to his Village friends, proving that he needs to freshen up on his note taking skills before the committee begins meeting again. Maybe he ought to learn shorthand.

The meeting was adjourned at 7:32.