Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Police Puzzled by Recent Burglaries

The Broken Springs Police Department doesn’t often get their panties in a twist investigating local crime. Small town criminals usually possess an IQ lower than President Bush’s approval rating, so it’s often a simple thing to crack the workings of a small mind, especially working with a small town mentality. But the latest string of robberies has the local PD scratching their balding heads in bewilderment.

Two weeks ago, several residents began having their personal vehicles broken into as they’ve been parked in Broken Springs. One lady had all of her mascara and a pair of beige pantyhose stolen. A man living on Crass street had his three string banjo taken from his ‘79 Ford Pickup. And a pair of twins attending college had a crucifix taken off their review mirror, and a half eaten ham sandwich stolen from atop their dashboard. In each case, the burglar has busted either the windshield or a back window to gain entry into the cars, and in every case, he’s left behind a most interesting, if perplexing clue: a large rock.

“When we saw the first rock, we initially thought it to be a paperweight,” explained Police Chief Jim Kingston, who graduated top of his Broken Springs class. “It was only after we found rocks of similar sizes at future crime scenes when we realized the burglar was leaving us a clue, perhaps as a signature to his work.”

Officer Daniel Shame, who would’ve graduated at the top of his Ridgemont class if it wasn’t for all the smart kids in his class, believes the burglar is mocking the police department, implying that they’re ‘dumb as a box of rocks.’ “Only there’s only one rock and it’s never been left in a box,” he added.

The precise location of the rocks seem to indicate a hidden meaning, as well. They’re always located directly under the broken window, often with broken glass scattered around them, so they’re the first thing seen by the police.

“We’re dealing with a very intelligent criminal,” said Officer Shame. “We’ve run the rocks for prints and they always come up clean, which means the burglar is wiping them down or wearing gloves. Furthermore, he’s never left a drop of blood behind, despite all of the busted glass. How he manages that, we don’t know. We just know he’s very, very smart.”

Kingston said he’s put out an all points bulletin to Broken Springs residents urging them to be on the lookout for a religious man, probably in his mid thirties, with an interest in country folk music, wearing mascara, eating a ham sandwich on his way to Victoria’s Secret. Anyone with information about these burglaries are asked to contact the department.

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