Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through Broken Springs
We were waiting for the goodies that Jim always brings.

The night air was foggy but the weather was fair,
We expected our gifts from Christmas Care Bear.

While waiting we nestled, right next to the fire
Our temperatures were rising, higher and higher.

Erlene in her teddy, and I in the buff,
On the way to the bedroom I chased after her muff.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my stiffy and poor Erlie went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Opened the shade while she played with herself.

When what should appear from out of the fog
But a rusty old squad car pulled by a police dog.

With a lanky little driver with a foot made of lead
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

“He’s here,” I announced as I put on some clothes.
Erline’s spread on the pillow, striking a pose.

“Make yourself decent,” I told her outright
“He only delivers that on Saturday night.”

Clipping the lamp post, which was already dim
Our visitor was none other than Jolly Ole Jim.

He slid past the fence, the tree got a rub,
Jim leaned out and puked in the hot tub.

From near the fire hydrant we heard such a clatter,
K9 Durango now emptied his bladder.

In case it wasn’t Jim, I gave my shotgun a pump
When down the chimney he came with a thump.

His uniform stank awful with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said petting his pup,
"The dog‘s quite pooped and I‘m all drunked up."

He walked to the kitchen and poured a stiff drink,
Then whipped out his nightstick and peed in the sink.

I started to chuckle, my wife smiled with glee,
Jolly Ole Jim was hung down to his knee.

Three Beam and Cokes later, Jim combed his gray hair,
Slurred out that he came for Christmas Care Bear.

Back in the den, Jim reached in his sack,
The kids toys were gone, but some new things were
packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false titties,
The next was a toy to scratch itching kitties.

A box filled with condoms was Jimbo’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a pecker extension,
And several other things we can’t even mention.

Hand cuffs, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

He unpacked the toys and said with a tear,
“I’m afraid we’re all out of pretzels and beer.”

“That’s quite all right,” said the wifey and me.
“I’ll take the rubbers and she’ll take the weenie.”

He filled our two stockings and then started to leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

We gave Jolly Ole Jim our heartfelt thanks
And told him not to cash any checks in the banks.

He sprang to his squad car, but his feet were like lead,
So he fell on his bum and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, adjusted his mirror,
Saying, "Take me home Durango, and watch for the deer!"

The car was almost gone when we heard Jimbo shout,
"The best thing about charity is that it never runs out!"