Artifacts Uncovered

While excavating for the future sewer project, which the Village Council plans to pass unanimously in a secret board meeting next month, employees for Sewers R Us uncovered a mound of historic Broken Springs artifacts that date all the way back to 1881. Mitchell Beardsley, supervisor to the company, whose motto is ‘We’re number one in the number two business” said the artifacts were discovered on Tuesday while his men were drilling a gully in which to lay a new sewer pipe along Main Street.

The items will soon go on display to any BS resident willing to fork over a good chunk of his paycheck to view the relics in the 1831 Broken Springs Historical Courthouse.

The artifacts include an iron set of handcuffs, an antique Bionic Ear, and a set of checks from the First National Bank of Broken Springs. Expensive tests to determine the age of the artifacts will take about two weeks but local historians are guessing they are nearly 125 years old, judging from the date on the check.

The set of old handcuffs are thought to have been once used by Broken Springs very first abusive policeman, Benjamin Shame, whose great grandson Daniel now serves faithfully on the force. The prehistoric Bionic Ear is assumed to be the first eavedropping device made in the entire county, and first ever used locally (to gather the details of Adeline Gordon‘s messy divorce).

But the artifact with the most historical significance was inside a brittle envelope stained yellow over time. Enclosed were three checks from the First National Bank made out to the Broken Springs Police, totaling the amount of $314. Historians say that these checks are probably the same ones that came up missing during the community’s squabble over whether or not the police should carry guns. Then Police Chief Theophilus Nole had collected private funds to purchase the firearms, but had accidentally lost the donated monies in his very disorganized desk. According to the March 13 1881 Journalistic Error, he later insisted to the Police Commission that he’d merely forgotten about the checks and had deposited them before the April meeting. That was when the checks mysteriously came up missing and have been lost for the last 124 years.

Keen observers at the scene of the excavation noted that the date on the checks is January 14, 1881, contradicting the late Chief’s story about the whereabouts of the funds.

Further excavations of the site are planned, and expected to be funded by private donations to the police department which will probably get lost on a desk and then get deposited illegally before disappearing until the year 2129.