News from the future...

Broken Springs - 2006

Monday night Broken Springs Onoyoko Township Police were again accused of racism, this time in the distribution of volts from their taser stun guns. According to a large group of white residents, the local police force unfairly stun blacks and minorities more than they do caucasians. The Police Commission heard allegations of discrimination from many BS residents, who believe they haven’t yet been tasered simply because they happen to be white.

“It’s not fair,” said one old white guy as he thumped his cane on the floor. “I jaywalk every single day. And when I do use the crossing lines, I ignore the flashing sign completely. But have I been tasered? Not once, I’m telling you. But if you’re black, then you get tasered all the time and for no reason at all! They have it so easy. Why do they deserve special treatment? Just because they’re black?”

The man’s wife also pleaded on his behalf. “The only reason I voted for the millage was so we could get tasered every now and again. The doctor won’t give Harry any more Viagra, and without those 50,000 volts jumping through him, I may as well send him off in a pine box to push up the roses in Daisy Hill Cemetery. He’s lived in Broken Springs all his life, and never once has been subject to any preferential treatment by our police officers. The closest he ever came was when the drug dog stuck his nose in his crotch after Harry had spilled some sugar on his trousers. He’s never been beat up or sexually molested. He’s never even been illegally frisked by an officer with wandering hands. It’s a travesty, I’m telling you. Time‘s running out for him, and there are only so many heinous crimes an 88 year old man can commit.”

The Commission responded to the gentleman’s concerns by urging him to contact Chief Kingston to arrange a meeting in order to resolve the matter. But Kingston cautioned him, “There is no guarantee that you’ll be tasered. In the last year only one adult white male has been tasered and only because he drove around town with that ‘Fire Jim’ bumper sticker on his car. But I’m sure we can come to some nice compromise like a couple swipes of our nightsticks to knock out a couple false teeth, or something along those lines.”

An Hispanic resident voiced similar concerns over the taser policy because it violated his wife’s equal right to be electrocuted with 50,000 volts. According to the Taser policy drawn up by Commission Attorney Amnesia, the prongs of a taser must be removed by a same sexed officer. Since BS has no female cops, the police force has had no other option than to taser only men. “My wife, she’s a real women’s libber,” says Jose Hernandoze. “The other night when me and Paco had a couple too many tequilas at the tavern and tried to drive my El Dorado home on the wrong side of the road, Officer Shame tasered the hell out of me until I sobered up. But when my wife bailed me out the next morning, boy was she loco when she saw the marks on my chest. So she sent me here tonight to complain about the current policy, which she calls sexist and discriminatory.”

Current unwritten policy, according to Chief Jim, is to only taser people whom it is necessary to restrain. “It just so happens that white men are much easier to restrain than ni… er, I mean black men because they’re usually smaller, weaker, and more respectful of authority,” he explained to the commissioners who were seen nodding in agreement. “Women, unfortunately, cannot be tasered because if one of us fellers accidentally brushed a nipple while removing the prongs, we’d be sued for sexual harassment. And trust me, we don’t want to go through that again.”

The Commission told Mr. Hernandoze that until Broken Springs hires a female cop, there was no changing the status quo. “I’m sorry, sir,” said Village President Jan Chaddwick, “But if your wife really needs to get tasered, I recommend she do what I do… find a Catholic church across the county line and flash her teats during Mass.”

Commission Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust tried quelling concerns of discrimination near the end of the meeting. “We do our best to be fair,” he said. “But sometimes we fall short of perfection. I think the Broken Springs cops do the best job they can of tasering people across racial and gender lines. And even if they don’t taser everyone who wants or deserves to be tasered, they manage to provide some of us with enough satisfaction.”