Indy 500 now the Indy 400

In a move to alleviate its environmentally concerned conscience, the International Racing League announced this morning that this year’s Indianapolis 500 will be shortened to 400 miles. The move follows the decision earlier this year to use 100% fuel grade ethanol in the racecars’ Honda engines, rather than gasoline which currently costs about $3.60 a gallon in central Illinois.

"We thought the move to ethanol was a move in the right direction but we all wanted to do even more for the environment," said IRL Commercial President Terry Angstadt. “That’s when we decided to shorten the race by a hundred miles. Think of all the corn we’ll save the people of Indiana.”

The race will still officially be known as the Indy 500 for marketing purposes, or at least until millions of dollars of new merchandise can be manufactured with the new name. For the time being, according to Angstadt, the Indy 500 will still be the Indy 500, only with fewer laps. Forty fewer laps, to be precise. Instead of racing 200 laps, the 33 open wheel cars will make 160 trips around the oval in the 91st annual competition.

By moving to ethanol and shortening the race, experts predict that the IRL can save the Midwest approximately three hundred thousand dollars, and the world several years of a more beneficial climate. And the future only looks brighter for the sport. There are talks concerning the age old championship tradition, as well.

The tradition started when three-time Indianapolis 500 winner Louis Meyer drank buttermilk in Victory Lane after winning the 1936 race. Until next year.

“Beginning in 2008, the winner of the Indianapolis 500 will drink soy milk,” announced a grinning Angstadt.

Free Publicity

A special thanks to Joe Bob Jugglin for his guest editorial in the Journalistic Error. His free publicity is very much appreciated...

Woman Saved by Blow Up Doll

Sex toy acts as floatation device to drowning woman

When Rita Millingham ended a seven year relationship with Rich Sadler a month ago, she cited reasons typical of most women who break up with their boyfriends. There was no chemistry in their love life. They often argued about in-laws and money. She wanted kids; he was happy with a dog. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was when Rita found Rich’s stash of porn beneath the floorboards under the dinner table. “Right under where I fed him dinner, a dinner, I might add, that I slaved over and served every night promptly at seven, he had hidden magazines full of naked women with bigger boobs than me,” recounts Rita.

Only after this discovery, all hell broke loose, and according to Rich, “She freaked out on me. All of a sudden, she’s got these gunked up pages pressed up to her nose and she’s accusing me of having an affair with Miss Nude November even though Miss Nude November has nothing on Miss Anal August. Next thing I know, Rita’s digging through my closet upstairs, pitching my belongings into the front yard. She even tossed Cassandra out the window.”


Cassandra, it was discovered after much probing, is Rich’s blow up doll, and though she was deflated at the time and unharmed in the second story fall, Rich immediately stormed out of the house to check on her safety. “Rita slammed the door in my face,” he told us. “I tucked Cassandra under my arm and was going to boat across the lake until I realized my boat keys were in my overalls still in the bedroom. So I dropped Cassie off in the boat and headed back to the house. Rita was angrier than a hornet with a crooked stinger when I came through the door. She ended up chasing me to my pickup with the iron skillet I bought her last year for her birthday. So I drove to a hotel instead.”

With no other mode of transportation, the next morning Rita packed up her belongings in six heavily crammed suitcases and hauled them into Rich’s 12 foot fishing boat. She’d plucked the boat keys from Rich’s smelly overalls and started on her way to a new life. Little did she know that her inflatable enemy was tucked away in the bow of the boat.

“I was halfway across the lake when I noticed the boat slowing down,” she told us. “I figured that my tightwad ex-boyfriend didn’t put enough gas in the tank. But it turns out all my suitcases were sinking the boat.”

Not knowing how to swim, Rita panicked and started tossing her belongings overboard, but shifting so much weight at once caused the boat to topple and the currently single Rita was soon sinking in her ex-boyfriend‘s favorite fishing spot.

“I thought I was going to die,” she says, choking up. “I saw the boat completely disappear and my luggage floating around me, but couldn’t grab onto any of it. The only thing I could grasp was Rich’s blow up doll, who knows where that came from. While I flapped my arms and legs frantically, trying not to drown, I blew her up. She’s actually very pretty in a synthetic sort of way.”

When a helicopter rescue crew arrived at the scene, they found a very irate Rita, in the middle of the lake with her arms around Cassandra. “Come quick, She’s losing air! Bring lubricant!” the distressed Rita was screaming.

“Our best guess is that a fishing lure penetrated the love doll,” reports Pilot Charles Knox, the superior officer at the scene. “I sent down my fittest private to help the woman in need and approximately 17 minutes later, he was being pulled into the copter with a flaccid woman under one arm and Ms. Millingham under the other.”

Upon further inspection, Rita Millingham seemed to be quite exhausted but uninjured.

She has since patched things up with Rich Sadler, who’s patched up things with Cassandra as well. The two are scheduled to marry next spring.

“Cassandra saved my life,” admits the future Mrs. Sadler. “To show my gratitude, I’ve asked her to be my maid of honor.”

Rich can only beam with joy, “The honeymoon’s gonna be a blast!”

Potent and Impotent

News from Broken Springs has recently reached a milestone. We’ve been online for less than two years (which is less than half the time our previous publication was online) and we’ve had over 10,000 hits (which is more than ten times what our previous publication had). About this time, coincidently, the last of the “Three Stooges” who once threatened to sue us merely for exercising our first amendment rights (and threatened to arrest us over our last publication) has jumped off the Broken Springs sinking ship. Chief Kingston has agreed to resign. Our fair town is going through some massive changes and I don’t just mean the streets.

We at NFBS believe these changes are generally for the better. Perhaps not for the better of this publication because we’re like a tabloid without celebrities now. But for the future of BS, we’re willing to take one for the team. Good riddance, three stooges. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

Oh, that’s not to say that local stories are a thing of the past. There will always be that silly Broken Springs Village Council making those silly decisions that affect all of our lives. The Village People (as we like to call them around the office water cooler) are consistently stepping on the rake of satire. Thank Heavens. And of course, our satirical fingers are always able to find a target in that quack we have for a President.

Now, to celebrate the passing of Chief Kingston’s tenure as Police Thief, here is a nice racist joke he’d love…

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo same yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Questions Arise over Office Photos

When Peter Jetson began his presentation about the disarray of the Broken Springs Police Department to the Onoyoko Township Board, he showed a slideshow of pictures taken in the station, including a photo of Chief Kingston's office. But the photograph, which shows a disaster area of papers, condom wrappers, and empty liquor bottles, has come under controversy from those who support the embattled Police Chief.

“The pictures are fake,” insists Peggy Boredom. “I’ve seen the same pictures in the newspapers after the tornadoes ripped through Kansas.”

In addition to the office photo, Jetson also made public a photo of the department’s refrigerator sometimes used as an evidence locker.

“I think they’re photoshopped,” says Lonna Lee Longjohns. “In this day and age it’s not hard to superimpose moldy sandwiches in the evidence fridge. And we can’t necessarily assume that those Corona bottles aren’t evidence in some ongoing investigation.”

“At the very least, that beer is aiding in a current investigation,” added FOJ for Life, Gordo Davis.

Chief Kingston, who’s been busy recovering from an undisclosed illness since March, could not be reached for comment. Sources tell us he goes in for rehab twice a week to the Blue Ship Casino, but the nature of his rehabilitation is unknown.

Officer Mort Allgay, who’s been busy cleaning up the office since both Kingston and Lt. Roy Smegley jumped ship, has recently received a $4.00 an hour raise. “Either we could give him a raise or hire one of the illegal aliens I have working at Hildecrust Holes,” explained Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust, who also added that Jim Kingston’s 31 years of service have been appreciated by both the community and the board. But he was quick to add, “In retrospect, I wish we would’ve gotten him a maid instead of a new car.”

Happy Mother's Day

And now a dedication to our favorite Police Chief

Village Council Appoints Corpse

In an announcement to the press, Village Council President Bob Pezdispenser has verified that the Council has decided on its new appointee to fill the formally vacant position. John Alldead of Daisy Hill Road, was unanimously selected out of a slate of candidates in a top secret meeting held in the President‘s top secret treehouse. Mr. Alldead’s appointment is controversial in the community since the news broke that he’s been dead since 1993.

“Nowhere in the village statutes does it say appointees must be alive,” insisted Pezdispenser in an interview with News from Broken Springs by phone. “And even if it did, John was alive when he served on the council in years past. That’s good enough for us.”

Alldead’s deceasedness didn’t bother anyone else on the Council either. Trustee Stan Chaddwick told us that being a politician in Broken Springs is a lot like being dead already. “Let’s face it,” he said, “If you had a life, you wouldn’t be living in Broken Springs, would you?”

Other Council members remain optimistic about Alldead’s future tenure as Trustee. Curly Headed Sandy, who is just learning to speak without regurgitating the standard Chaddwickian party line, told us that Alldead’s silence will be a refreshing at the meetings. “So far he hasn’t said a word in any of our interviews and that can only mean one thing. He agrees with everything we say. He has to be the least confrontational man alive… er, I mean dead.”

Alldead’s family and friends are proud of their relative's achievements. His wife was tearful when she told us that even when he was being lowered six feet into the ground, she knew her husband was not done making a difference in Broken Springs. His teenage sons are also grateful to the dead man they call dad. “He can’t throw the football around like he used to,” said son Ryan, 16, “In fact, he can’t even catch it anymore. It just bounces off him. But everyone tells me he’ll make a fine village politician.”

Citizen and local troublemaker, Bruce Robertson, told us in an off the record interview that Alldead had not even applied for the job of Village Trustee. He insists that Alldead was hand picked by the Council in an effort to snub all the other candidates.

“Total rubbish!” Pezdispenser responded. “There were no other candidates. No one in their right mind wanted the job. That’s why we had to pick a dead guy.”

According to the many sources we‘ve spoken with, they could not have dug up a better man.

PD a Disorganized Pigsty

Peter Jetson delivered a stinging address to the Onoyoko Township Board and about half of Broken Springs Thursday night. In it, he equated the Broken Springs Police Department with the Hindenburg, on a path with disaster and full of hot air. Largely to blame for this bleak future is locally beloved Police Chief Jim Kingston who, due to an emergency situation at the Blue Ship casino, could not attend the meeting. Sources tell us a slot machine had taken Kingston’s wallet hostage. There has been no word on whether or not the situation was resolved.

In his critique of the department, which lasted two months, three days, and fourteen hours (but who’s counting?) Jetson showed slides of the area formally known as Jim Kingston’s office. But seeing how Jim’s been off duty for over a month (actually, two months, three days and fourteen hours, but who’s counting?) what used to be a desk is now nothing more than a six foot tall heap of unanswered administrative data. Kingston defenders insist that somewhere in that pile there exists a policy manual. Kingston Kritics are adamant in insisting that the only thing under the pile of papers are more unaccounted for Taser donations. Either way, Jetson’s point was clear. Jim Kingston is a disorganized buffoon.

But is sloppiness such a mortal sin? Jetson implied that Kingston’s disorganized clutter is only a symptom of a much larger problem, that of being a spoiled brat who gets anything he wants from his bosses.

“He’s taken advantage of the commission’s willingness to give him a blank check. He’s got everything he ever wanted, from new cars to vacation back pay, even his own handicapped parking spot at the Village Hall.”

Another issue Jetson took issue with is all of the weaponry and spare uniforms in the evidence room. “We could clothe and arm a Broken Springs militia with all the uniforms and weapons we have. In fact, maybe we ought to. They’d do better than this department.”

Jetson went on to clarify that he wasn’t finding fault with any of the lower ranked officers, as they were often just trying to make lemonade about of old, rotten lemons. But the fault, he said, lies with the Chief himself and the oversight committees whose job it was to keep a leash on the out of control chief.

Such a lack of leadership has in fact “broken” Broken Springs, according to the high paid self proclaimed expert. He emphasized a need to heal the schism and mend our Springs back together.

“The first thing we have to do is bury the Sewer Wars,” he said, referring to the decades old community conflict over how to rid itself of its own feces. “Then we have to have party… a Hatfield-McCoy family reunion, if you will. There should be lots of booze, a pool, and naked Twister. That oughta mend some fences.”

“Lastly,” Jetson suggested, “I think we ought to donate those old uniforms and weapons to a faraway Goodwill. The fewer weapons we have in this volatile community, the safer we’ll all be.”

The Board thanked Jetson for his hard work.

Please Sign Petition

To: Onoyoko Charter Township

We, the undersigned, fully support and adore the local home town boy made good, now adult, Police Chief of Broken Springs, James Earl Kingston. By signing this petition, we sell our souls to this man, who protects us from the dangerous thugs and unruly teenagers of the tiny metropolis of Broken Springs, Michigan, otherwise known as Little Chicago.

This is an attempt to thwart those buttinskies who have nothing better to do than dig up dirt on this fine man. We fine citizens of Broken Springs don't care if he's potentially broken the law he's sworn to uphold. He IS the law. And he mows a lot of yards for those unable to keep their grass trimmed. He also picks up litter. And he smiles and waves at those people he likes all the time.

Get well soon, Jim. We miss you.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION.

Or view the current signatures before adding your own.

Kingston a Hero, not a sub sandwich

Dear Editor,

I am writing because I agree with everything Lonna Lee Longjohns wrote on April 4th. Not only do I agree with her every word, I also agree with her every syllable down to her very last consonant, especially when she expressed the lovely sentiment about our current police board, which was (to remind those of you not taking your daily gingko tablet) : Shoot ‘em all !

It’s a shame that the police board should actually police the police chief. As if he’s not being policed enough by the local dirt diggers, not to mention the very expensive big town police consultant they recently hired (at our expense) to evaluate departmental procedures, the board insists on stabbing Kingston in the back with underhanded tactics like granting the poor man never-ending leaves of absence on account of his medical problems. Showing their true colors, these sly devils on the police board have even insisted on paying him during this time off, as if to imply that he already gets paid for doing next to nothing, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Police Chief Jim Kingston has always been a Hero, and I don’t mean a sub sandwich (although he’d make a very good one of those as well… turkey** on rye with a delicious slice of goats head cheese… I’m salivating just thinking about it). He shouldn’t be eaten alive by his critics. Rather, he should be nibbled on and savored for the hero he is, not to mention for his mouth watering sesame seed buns.

We thank you, Jim, for being you. Always remember you’re a hero to the majority of the town, and those who don’t think so don’t know which side their bread is buttered on. To the rest of us, you’re a footlong with extra mayo.

Carol Growackier

**NFBS thinks the author meant chicken.

Happy Bunny Day

Police Board is a big pain in the snatch

Editor,

When is the Broken Springs Police Board going to stop this whole oversight nonsense going on? People are trying to harass and destroy the good Jim Kingston over nothing but legal technicalities.

What Jim has endured because of this unnecessary supervision is more human than human. I’ll tell you what he should do. He should hire an attorney to write up letters threatening lawsuit to these troublemakers. And then he should sue the Police Board too, for doing their jobs. That’ll teach them. I don’t even believe in suing people but for these anti-Kingston folks, I do.

The police board needs to go, especially that leader who I won’t even dignify by saying his name. He’s so done I’d like to stick a fork in him. The rest of the board are all yesmen and yes women because if they won’t be, they’ll be treated badly by that Supervisor I dare not mention by name. They should all take a long walk off a short pier.

Hang in their Jim, whatever you decide. The board may not back you, but we fools in the community do.

Sincerely,
Lonna “Longjohns” Jackson

Potent and Impotent

Boy, they’re dropping like flies in Broken Springs, aren’t they?

First Broken Springs’s Finest, Daniel Shame ups and leaves us to take another job (probably where they have tasers). Broken Springs won’t be Broken Springs without him. Then the Mayor resigns, leaving a big seat to fill in Village government. A huge seat. And soon Slaters Supermarket will be Fartings Friendly Market. Is nothing in Broken Springs sacred anymore?

I could see the writing on the wall in the case of Slaters. I first suspected they were in financial trouble when they started getting their shopping carts repossessed. But I guess the day had to come when they finally went under. They overpriced themselves right out of town. I’m one of the few born and raised BSer who never worked at Slaters. I’m neither boasting nor bitching. Just commenting.

All I can say is here at NFBS we sincerely hope Jim Kingston is well on his way to a speedy recovery. If not, our blogging days might be over completely.

Seriously though, Roy Smegley is not nearly the colorful figure that Jim Kingston is. And whoever replaces Jan Chaddwick won’t hold a candle to the headline making ability she had.

As Dylan once said, times… they are a-changin'. Will it be for the better or worse? Only time will tell. And Jagger said that time is on my side (yes it is) so I’m optimistic. And as Jerry Garcia once said, we might be going to Hell in a bucket but at least we’re enjoying the ride…

Private citizen Chaddwick’s parting words were so inspirational, it reminded me of this joke:

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter. "It's
only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what’s happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," she says, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Mayor Resigns !!

Jan Chaddwick, the first elected President of the Village of Broken Springs with a vagina, has turned in her resignation (but not her vagina) to the Council, effective April 1st, no foolin’.


President Pro Tem Bob Pezdispenser, who currently lacks a vagina, will take over the role of President until the Council can appoint a new Vagina in Chief to serve until the September election.

Asked whether he’ll be able to run the Village despite the fact that he’s not a woman, he responded, “Well, I won’t pursue a lawsuit every 28 days and I’ll probably be tearing out the pink carpet in the Village Hall. But other than that, things will stay pretty much the same.”

Ms. Chaddwick has been on the Village Council for eight long years. She seceded Mayorship from the Village’s first non-elected female Mayor, Marian Kiljoy. At the time of Kiljoy’s climb to power, many underestimated the power a mere woman could have in a town that had been run by men for over a century. But Kiljoy set the foundation for a strong Mayorship, which Chaddwick expanded more than many thought was humanly possible. In retrospect, Kiljoy wasn’t half the despot Chaddwick grew to be.

Not that she wasn’t fully grown when she took office…

Among her many achievements, Ms. Chaddwick will forever be known for:

• Suing the Township for half a million dollars because they had the gall to bend to the will of their constituents during the Sewer Project Scandal. Proving once again that crap flows downhill, the Township got it in the end. Township taxpayers were flushed out of hundreds of thousands of dollars all in the name of Operation Tidy Bowl, the Chaddwickian pursuit of universal toilets, no matter what the cost or who leaves the lid up.

• With the help of the aforementioned lawsuit settlement, Chaddwick helped balance the budget for the Village for the first time since Broken Springs was the county seat. In fact, with a half a mill in the bank, the Village’s budget will be balanced for the next 26 years, respectfully.

• Installing two vending machines in the Village Hall lobby, and furthermore, insisting that they always have a full supply of Hostess cupcakes, Twinkees, and Krispy Kremes.

• The about-to-be-commenced Street Scrape Project, which will tear up our roads in the pursuit of beautification of our fair city. Long term goals of the project include remodeling Broken Springs to look like a Norman Rockwell painting so that people will no longer throw their gum in the streets or shoot at local businesses with paintball guns.

• And last but certainly not least, Chaddwick lent her name to the infamous Cease and Desist letter News from Broken Springs received last year, attempting to censor a legitimate new source such as ourselves. Voltaire’s quote comes to mind: It is the characteristic of the most stringent censorships, that they give credibility to the opinions they attack.
  

When asked if she would miss governing the Village, Ms. Chaddwick said she'd miss the power but not the criticism. "The people of Broken Springs won't have Jan Chaddwick to kick around anymore," she said.

But that's an exaggeration. It's more like her larger than life frame's been slightly budged around by foot.

Ms. Chaddwick ended her interview with NFBS with the following reflection from St. Peter:

“It is God's will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you're a danger to society. Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God. Respect the government.”

“Especially that last part,” she said, to which we here at NFBS responded with an Albert Camus quote of our own:

"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear."

Kingston supporters: Hally Ho

Dear Editor,

It appears as if those doggone Kingston Kritics are at it again. The very few of them (and I do mean very few as the current count stands at -4) are attacking the best police chief ever both behind and in front of his overworked back

No one’s perfect but Jim Kingston comes dangerously close. He’s a fine man whose job description doesn’t include half of the many things he does for the community. Has no one realized that if he didn’t shovel sidewalks in the winter, we’d all be suffocated in snow? If he didn’t mow overgrown grass, we’d all have hay fever and wouldn’t be able to drive to work? And if he didn’t buy all those scratch off tickets at Weedway, our local economy wouldn’t be booming like it is. I certainly don’t see his Kritics ever doing any of these selfless deeds. The only thing they shovel is more garbage to the press about Jim. Jim has done so much for our community, despite being torn a new one by a few meanies. (Very few… since the beginning of this letter the number has dropped to -6.) Jim is always getting knocked down but he gets up again. You’re never gonna keep him down.

Wake up, silent supporters of Kingston, and let your voice be heard. For every one of his Kritics, Jim has three supporters whose families he’s saved or whose relatives he’s kept out of jail. Everyone should remember the acronym WWJD - what would Jim do? I believe he would fight back (if he wasn’t too sick to show up for work) Let’s all get mad and replace the negativity with obedience to what used to be a peaceful Broken Springs community or even fewer people will want to live here than already do now.

Lucianne Grieves

Bartenders and Cops Don't Mix

Officer Shame, We'll Miss You

Broken Springs’s favorite Man in Blue has decided to take another job in a neighboring town, leaving our poor town with big elevator shoes to fill.

Officer Daniel Shame, infamous for the size of his bow and arrow, gave his resignation as a Broken Springs Police Officer earlier this week in order to pursue his dream job - modeling Calvin Klein underwear. Unfortunately underwear modeling pays by the inch, and the former officer Shame is only endowed with centimeters, not inches worth of raw talent. As a result, he will be forced to moonlight as a police officer for Niles Township in order to pay his bills.

Now would be a good time to give a big KUDOS to Officer Shame for all of inspiration he’s given the staff of News from Broken Springs. Nobody else might, but we will sorely miss him.

Thank you for all of the wonderful memories, including:

Nearly arresting Cecil Mortin for stealing a Slater’s Supermarket grocery cart. You hauled that cart up in your K9-mobile, only to have it fall out as you pulled out onto Old 31. As you later learned, just as Cecil told you, Slaters allowed him to use the cart to push his groceries home because he doesn‘t have a drivers license. But you were proactive in protecting the safety of that grocery cart. Thanks to you, grocery carts everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief. Well, at least until it crashed to the ground.

I can’t tell you how many young girls’ lives you’ve changed by letting them touch your badge as you kept an eye on the taverns in town. Those girls, guaranteed, will never forget you. No matter how much therapy they get.

Remember Durango, that loveable mutt who couldn’t smell marijuana if you’d pulled over Cheech and Chong? You trained him with your own two feet. When he went to the kennel in the sky, it was clear that Broken Springs PD lost one of its finest members. God bless his furry soul.

Your target practice caught you up in all sorts of trouble but here at NFBS, we understand that all work and no play make Danny a dull boy. Anyway, it could’ve been worse. You could’ve been gambling at the boat or taking a four hour lunch at Subweigh. You could’ve been hunting behind Pri-Mart and accidentally shooting someone in the leg as they pumped their gas.

That reminds me of that time you were hunting behind Pri-Mart and you accidentally shot someone in the leg as they pumped their gas. Boy was that a hoot. But thank you for doing it on your own time and not company time.

And last but certainly not least, thank you for signing your name to that God awful Cease and Desist letter that we received a year ago. You remember that letter, don’t you? It had a lot of big words in it and was filled with legal threats. I know you didn’t really mean it for us since we always write about you in the most positive light possible. You really meant it for your nemesis, Bonii Didjaseedat. But it was awfully nice of you to include little ole News from Broken Springs in all the fun and games.

Daniel Shame, always remember: We’ll miss you more than Britney misses booze. If you’re ever in town, don’t forget to visit. You can even sleep over if you tip a few too many. We have a couch for guests on the front lawn… at least until that worthless Debris Code Officer tells us to get rid of it.

Township Sets Trap for Kingston

Township Officials Boggled by Chief’s Disappearance

Police Chief Harry Houdini?

The police in the small town of Broken Springs, Michigan, as in other small towns, often search for missing persons. But it isn’t everyday they search for one of their own, let alone their own boss. However, ever since Police Chief Jim Kingston was named in three complaints filed by Broken Springs residents, he’s been harder to find than the criminals he once helped to catch.

Township authorities, anxious to resolve the complaints as quickly as possible, reported earlier this week that Kingston has missed work most of last week and failed to show for the monthly police committee meeting, where the aforementioned complaints were to be discussed. Officially, he’s ill, according to those close to him. His wife even presented the Township Board with a handwritten note from home.




But calls to his home are left unanswered. His mail (most notably his Lottery Digest and Hustler magazines) have yet to be picked up from his PO Box.* And the most haunting clue to his disappearance is the overgrown grass in his front yard.

“Nope, ain’t seen ‘im,” says neighbor Wilbur Reed. “He ain’t even took out his trash.”

Has the 30 year police veteran skipped town? Is he lying low until things quiet down? Or has he simply vanished into thin air? Local police are none the wiser than everyone else. They said it was days before they noticed the Chief was even gone. And since then, they insist that if he doesn’t have a warrant out for his arrest, they’re not all that interested in finding him.

“A man’s got a right to some private time,” says Officer Daniel Shame. “I usually spend mine on the commode just before breakfast. But if Jim wants to take his all at once, that’s his prerogative.”

There are those in town, however, that claim to have spotted Kingston in broad daylight. Some witnesses insist they’ve seen him buying Super Cash scratch offs at Weedway gas station. Others claim to have watched him work a Sudoko while waiting for his Jiffy Lube oil change.

One wild eyed resident even says she saw him sharing a Corona and singing karaoke with Elvis Presley at Coyote’s Bar and Grille. “He better not quit his day job,” she added.

Whenever the elusive Kingston decides to come out of hiding, one thing is for certain. If he sees his shadow, we’ll have six more weeks of winter.

* As of this printing, someone has picked up the Hustler magazines.