Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Police Chief Suspended !

In a shocking development after a four hour police commission meeting Monday night, Commissioners voted unanimously to suspend Chief Jim Kingston for a week with no pay. The suspension will occur Wednesday January 11th, to Tuesday, January 18th during which time Kingston will be suspended and hung upside down from Broken Springs’s traffic light in the middle of town, where all can see, spit, or cheer at him as they run yellows and roll through red lights.

The motion to suspend the Chief was made by Commissioner Bob Frugal, who’d been feeling the heat from many of his troublemaker constituents in the Township. According to many Kingston critics, the Chief has had a free pass on several indiscretions, ranging from mishandling of Taser funds to mismanagement of his Christmas Care Bear charity. There was also an incident in which the Chief handed out a lenient disciplinary action against an officer who’d been caught playing William Tell on the job. All of these incidents resulted in poor publicity for the department in the form of letters to the editor in local papers, and underground blog sites exercising those pesky freedoms explicitly spelled out by the first amendment. According to the closed session minutes, commissioners felt as though their hands were tied in the matter and that some disciplinary action was needed. Otherwise, as Mayor Jan Chaddwick stated before she voted yes on the suspension proposal, “Those darn buttinskis will never shut the #$@* up.”

The motion puts in place the following procedure:

On Wednesday at 8 AM Chief Kingston is to be stripped down to his long underwear by his bosses on the Police Commission, then lifted into the air by Farmer Bob Barleykowski’s John Deere Backhoe until the embattled Police Chief is elevated to the height of the traffic light above Crass and Fairy Streets. He will then be hung on the end of 12 pound fish line from his left ankle, during which time traffic will be halted for safety concerns. It was originally recommended that Chief Kingston be suspended from a much more personal region of his anatomy. But it was soon discovered that such a small lower extremity could never conceivably sustain his weight without resulting in serious life altering injuries which could potentially affect the entire female population of Broken Springs. Once lifted into place, Kingston will remain suspended for the next seven days, without pay, although he will be permitted to eat anything thrown at him, and drink water, assuming the weather forecast calls for rain.

After the procedure was put in place and traffic let up, several onlookers gazed up at Broken Springs history in action. NFBS attempted to ask Chief Kingston for a comment as he hung like a bat in the middle of town. But the embattled Chief was unusually silent, possibly unconscious from all the blood rushing to his head.

Meanwhile local buttinskis and sidewalk supervisors celebrated the decision by getting plowed in Roger Jackson’s saloon, the Coyote’s Watering Hole, located just a block east of the dangling Kingston. Troublemaker Boob, adorned in a pink halter top and black Manolo Blahniks bought rounds of umbrella garnished drinks to celebrate what he called, “The first correct decision by the Commission in years.” He was accompanied his harem known only as Sistahs of Bob, or SOBs for short, a group of women and sissified men who prefer to believe in equal justice rather than the strong arm of the law.

“It’s high time they string that b^*&%^ up,” said Sistah Bonii Didjaseedat as she leaned her very pregnant and about to pop frame up against a teetering barstool. “Finally, Daniel Shame’s got a target for bow hunting! He can even put it on his timecard this time, we don’t mind.”

The SOBs sloshed their way over for comment after comment, none of which were fit to publish by this family friendly newspaper, unfortunately. But friend of Kingston and saloon owner Johnson eventually came out, rounded the rabble rousers up, and pointed the way to the door with the double barrel of his long shotgun.

More on this story as it unfolds….

Day Two

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