Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Shame Captures Cougar

Yesterday, blight ordinance enforcer and part time bow hunter, Daniel Shame, captured The Cougar that has been terrorizing much of Broken County for the past several months. Having just recently received a pay raise to $23 an hour, Shame put in overtime to hunt for the dangerous creature. His hard work and dedication paid off when he discovered the cougar in the backyard of a house on Murlock Street. The hero Shame picks up the story.

“I was called to the scene by a neighbor complaining about a trash canister still on the street a day after trash pickup. But the offenders weren’t home when I knocked, and thinking that they might possibly be terrorists, I let myself into their house under direct orders from President Bush. It was while I was searching their refrigerator for dangerous explosives and Budweiser that I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I peeked out the back window and there it was, just sitting there, staring at me.”

According to the police report Shame filled out after going on duty later in the day, the cougar was very large and intimidating, in a stealth like pose. It’s unclear how long the cougar had been hiding out at this location, but Shame indicated that it looked like the occupants of the house were caring for it.

“Once I saw the creature, I put down my beer and ham sandwich. I pulled out my Tas… er, I mean my pepper spray, and I fixed my other hand on my crossbow. Slowly, I slid open the screen door and quietly approached the beast. It didn’t move as I circled it. And when I looked at its backend, I saw that it was currently unlicensed, yet another violation to the blight ordinance. Suddenly I thought I saw it twitch, so I fired at it immediately. But the arrow only bounced off its hard body. I attempted to tas… er, I mean pepper spray it, but the prongs also just bounced off its tough exterior. So I high tailed it back in the house, making sure to close the sliding glass door behind me, and finished eating my hot ham and cheese, secretly hoping that the cougar would be gone when I finished. But he wasn’t. He just sat there, like he was out of gas or something. I had no other choice but to call for backup.”

When backup arrived, they shot the cougar full of tranquilizers and called a tow truck. The cougar is currently at the impound lot, awaiting its future release in the wild. Scientists who have studied the cougar believe it was born sometime around 1968, judging from the license plate around its neck. According to Cougar buffs, all cougars born in that year are classics with excellent restorative value.

Police Chief Jim Kingston added, “Once again, Officer Daniel Shame has protected the fine people of Broken Springs, possibly saving many lives. He deserves a pat on the back and several strokes of encouragement from the fine young women who often show him their gratitude by bowing before him on a nightly basis.”

When asked about the large cat like animal that was sitting on the cougar’s hood, Kingston laughed and said, “Oh, whatever it was, it ran off once backup arrived. Probably just a stray cat. Broken Springs is full of ‘em.”

No comments: