Monday, January 09, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Happy 2006 everyone! 2006 so far is a lot like 2005, only in 2005, the Police Commission meetings started on time.

Before the meeting is called to order, Jan Chaddwick and Attorney Amnesia go in hunt for Ernie Hildecrust, who comes out just as soon as they go in. So then he goes in hunt for them. We can only assume the three people found each other and had a six minute orgy in the back room.

Oops, I meant meeting, not orgy.

Sorry, I have a reputation to upheld. I mustn’t disappoint the Sharon Alexanders of the world.

At 7:06, the three come back in, Amnesia straightening his tie, Jan smoothing out her tent, and Ernie puffing on his asthma sprayer. Good thing Jan brought her cappachino!

The ordinary boring stuff proceeds… meeting minutes (from two meetings) accepted, bills in the amount of 54K to be paid, financial report accepted, Chief’s report unusually dull, as complaints are down but break ins are up.

Bob Frugal asks about possibly getting a year end report. He was answered, but I wasn’t listening.

The Department got their new software, and is working on getting a new server. I wish like hell they’d hurry up. They’re missing quite a few of my blog entries.

The Chief, who once uttered the N word in public, then goes on to describe how two of the four black male suspects for the break ins are in custody. According to his account, the two black males were pulled over by Officers Shame and Polikowski, at which time the two black males were arrested and now the two black males are in custody, about to face “hard core” jail time that only two black males could face.

As a postscript Chief Kingston noted that the suspects are “two black males.”

The son-in-law to Sharon Alexander and a reserve officer, Matt Finns attended a shooter school, which has so far taught them nothing, judging from their aim in the bathroom, according to Sharon’s daughter, Mrs. Tweed.

Rob Fishnet, a reserve officer has taken the initiative to go to Police Academy, a decision to be applauded since not every BSOT officer has taken that same journey. But, turns out that he’s a bit of a tightwad and wants the department to foot some of the bill. “Tax and spend” Chaddwick of course supports it as an “investment in our future” while the other Commissioners prefer to have some guarantee that he won’t up and leave Broken Springs after we’ve helped pay for his edumacation. Chairman Hildecrust asks how much money is in the account that reservists are paid (despite Chaddwick saying before that reservists are NOT paid) to work at the football games. At this time, for no earthly reason, BS official journalist Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarslethergo takes a flash picture of the babbling Chaddwick. Kingston answers Hildecrust with his stock answer, “I don’t know” but says he could ask Roly Poly about it, as he’s in charge of things like that. Also, he could ask Officer Daniel Shame how much money is in the reserve fund, because he seems to have his hand in the cookie jar as well.

The question that lil ole Shallow Throat kept thinking is, “Which officer will the BSOT PD fire, once Fishnet is a bonafide officer of the law?” Because surely we can’t afford a 9th full time officer! I have a couple of recommendations, which I’m sure would shock no one.

Chaddwick and the others, after some discussion, think that Fishnet ought to have to work here for a certain period of time, if we are to help him with his Academy fees. In other words, he should have to pay us back with a certain ‘prison sentence’ to be served later in Broken Springs. They never called it a prison sentence but it sure did sound like one.

Attorney Amnesia recommends against making a quick decision, and the Commission promises to bring it up at the next meeting, which will be after the semester starts for the poor lad footing his own bill.

In other department news, there’ve been two duty related injuries in the past month. One involved a woman somehow (daydreaming, sorry) and the other involved Officer Daniel Shame shooting himself in the foot with an arrow. No wait, that wasn’t it. It was officer Tweed being shot in the thigh by the trainer at shooter school. No wonder he can’t hit the toilet… poor chap’s only got one leg to stand on.

There was also a credit card fraudist caught recently. Since he was not referred to as a “black male” we can only assume he was a white honky.

We are currently looking to hire a new crossing guard. Willing applicants must be capable of walking out into speeding traffic armed only with an all too often ignored STOP sign. Pays peanuts but looks excellent on a resume! And the reflector vest wardrobe is yours to keep! All those interested should inquire within the police station. Please someone, anyone: snatch up this position to relieve secretary Diane McDonald from having to risk her life every day.

At this point, when the meeting seems to be winding down like a vibrator with dying batteries, Jan Chaddwick decides to publicly commend Chief Kingston for sending her a memo documenting that he’d not taken 52 hours of vacation time. This, she said, is a tremendous improvement from last year, when he hadn’t taken a bucket load of vacation time. She originally says she just wanted to make the commission aware of this, but when nobody comments, she makes a motion to PAY Kingston for the 52 hours of vacation time that he didn’t use. Curly Headed Sandy quickly seconds the motion, which didn’t surprise anyone.

When Ernie Hildecrust reiterates the ‘use it or lose it’ policy put in place at previous meetings, unbiased journalist Cathy beings frantically tapping her toe.

Kingston explains that he planned to use his vacation time for deer hunting and over Christmas, but he couldn’t because an officer went down with a back injury, so there were ‘extraordinary circumstances’ that prevented his good intentions.

Chaddwick says it’s not fair to punish Kingston for missing out on his vacation time, because no one here is Nostradamus or possesses crystal balls. Certainly hers aren’t crystal. Brass, more like.

An audience member who lives and presumably pays taxes not in Broken Springs but in Eclaire defends Kingston and says we should pay him for unused vacation time, to not do so would be “cheap.” Of course by ‘we’ he means Broken Springs residents, not himself, since he lives in Eclaire.

Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollerslethergo takes another picture of Jan Chaddwick as she speaks. Perhaps she’s putting together a photo album for the next issue of the Journalistic Error?

Ernie Hildecrust requests a roll call for a vote, so the secretary woman who never usually gets a chance to speak has a moment in infamy as she calls the roll:

Bob Frugal: Nay
Jan Chaddwick: Yea
Curly Headed Sandy: Yea
Phil Ruse: Nay
Ernie Hildecrust: Nay

The Nays have it. Mr. Ed would be so proud.

The meeting almost ends again, until Curly Headed Sandy makes a comment that involves a study over officer deaths, and how that should somehow justify tasers. This is important because it’s the first time that tasers have been mentioned officially in months, since before the August millage. Of course, it’s not going to matter much in the near future since those supporting tasers will be off the commission but it was interesting to hear the topic come up again, even if it was only Sandy saying, “Those who claim to know what they’re talking about really don’t know what they’re talking about.” Meanwhile no one knew what *she* was talking about.

So the meeting was all set to end, we thought, when Mayor Chaddwick decided that this would be a good time to nominate Bob Frugal for Chairman of the Commission. But Bob Frugal, who had to be nudged awake as it was past his bedtime, graciously passed on the offer of riches and infamy. He said he’d prefer to stay what he is, and then he went back to sleep. Smart man.

Was the meeting to finally end?
No, not before Curly Headed Sandy nominated Jan Chaddwick for Chairwomanship. It all happened so fast, I could barely keep up scribbling notes. But nobody seconds the motion, not even Jan, who probably figured it’d look tacky seconding the motion to appoint herself Chairwoman. She may be a Republican, but she’s not an idiot, after all.

At this time the meeting… ends? Well, kinda. They go into closed session to continue the meeting from December 16th, when they were busy discussing “all the problems with the Chief in the last year” which is how Hildecrust put it. This closed session meeting lasted longer than I did. Three hours after the meeting started, it was still going on, and yours truly buggered out because it was past *my* bedtime.

Unfortunately I can only assume that Kingston did not have to “drop trou” to be spanked (hard) by the Commission. If he did, I regret going home too soon. I can just imagine the gracious rub that Jan would give Jim before the coldness of her hand met the quivering flesh of his buttocks…


More than likely it was a ‘slap on the wrist with a ruler’ which is hardly as interesting as described above. But I’ll have to let everyone know exactly how the meeting ended when I find out myself.

Until next time, Toodle Pip!

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