Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Tails... part two.
Since my first column appeared in News from Broken Springs, I’ve received dozens of emails from readers asking a number of questions. My editor thinks I should answer all reader questions in an article. And since she pays the bills, who am I to argue?
Dear Mr. Cougar,
I read with great interest your first article in News from Broken Springs. I’m wondering where you came from. Many wildlife experts have speculated that you might’ve been someone’s pet let loose in the wild.
Mr. Shannon, No. This is a vicious lie spread to diminish my ferociousness to the public. But keep in mind, I’m not mean enough to shoot. Was I someone’s pet? Was I domesticated? Have I ever worn a collar? The answers are no, no, and only that one time when I wandered in an S&M shop quite by accident.
I am merely a distinguished feline with impeccable taste, who’s currently being aided by an editor with Cat Chow, only so I needn’t scavenge on all of your undernourished cattle.
The following three questions are from Ami Hendrickson of Coloma.
1. What do you think of the blistering intellect of Dr. Ruse, PhD, biological investigator par excellence?
Well, I don't know about his intellect, but I think he has delicious looking thighs.
2. Why do you believe that Dr. Ruze declined to do DNA testing on the horse that you damaged when he examined the exhumed body? Don't you feel cheated? Especially when such tests would have conclusively proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that you walk among us?
Well, I have something on Dr. Ruze, you see. I've sworn to him that I won't discuss the details, but if it ever became known, his reputation would be suffering even more than it is now. As it as currently, he's only a scientist who doesn't want to handle cougar feces. Can't say I blame him. So I "Abramoff-ed" him, if you will pardon my political expression. My existence must remain a vague mystery to the county or else all hell will break loose. They'll declare open season on cougars, and Broken County residents will be even more panicked than they already are. As it is now, I'm rather like Elvis. People report sightings of me all the time, some are legit and others are merely intoxicated hallucinations. Some even believe I'm black! Well, I tan a bit in the summer, but I can't be described as black by any stretch of the imagination. Personally I hate that noise they call rap music and I rarely watch BET.
3. Do you prefer white meat or dark?
Back when I ate meat (other than the beef tallow in Purina Cat Chow, of course) I preferred white meat. Dr. Ruze's thighs, for example. However, it always went straight to my hips. My vegetarian diet has made me feel more energetic, less sluggish, and it's improved my sex drive tenfold.
Question: You’re kinda cute. Do you have a girlfriend? Would you like to meet my kitty, Ms. Piddles?
-Love, Amy, 2nd grade.
Well, as flattered as I am at your offer for free pussy, I must respectfully decline. I’m afraid my heart’s been broken one too many times by females who love me, then leave me. I’m a loner now. But don’t pity me. Unlike you humans, we cats can lick ourselves quite easily.
Mr. Cougar, why are you writing for the typo ridden dildo obsessed News from Broken Springs when you could have a good job (with better benefits, like catnip) over at the Broken Springs Straight Shooter?
-Envyingly yours, Sore
For some reason, my editor has told me to ignore this email.
TC, while I thoroughly enjoyed your first piece, I kept wondering to myself what it had to do with the constant shenanigans of Jim Kingston, and the BSOT Police Department?
Dear TB, Who is this Jim Kingston and should I eat him?
My editor has just explained it to me. I take back my offer to eat him. He’d only give me a belly ache.
TC, As an animal lover, I wish you luck and applaud your recent decision to pursue a vegetarian diet. Let me know if you ever need a place to stay. I have a spare bedroom.
-Curly Headed Sandy
Dear Sandy, eating animals is so last year. Live and let live, is what I say. Now I know people think I’m a vicious beast, but really I’m just a pussy cat who purrs when you rub my tummy. I firmly believe that both of our species should be evolved enough by now not to eat each other.
Mr. C, does it make you mad that the local cops hired a police dog and not a police cat?
Mr. Jackson, What?! Hang on a minute, I’m looking up the number to the ACLU.
How has Lucy (from the Journalistic Error) changed your life?
You are by far the best writer on your newspaper’s staff. Every Wednesday I look forward to your insight and wisdom about the intricacies of nature. You’re also quite a looker. Would you care to accompany me to the fish cleaning station in the campground this Friday evening? I know I told Ms. Piddles that I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship but only because I’ve never been into Persians. Also, could you ask your owner if she could squeeze me in on Thursday to have my whiskers trimmed?
Oh, Ms. Throat has just informed me that my published answers shouldn’t be so personal in nature. Guess I let the cat out of the bag, didn’t I? Oh well. No one should ever be ashamed of love.
Until next time, peace out.
TC can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org