Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Suspension: Day Seven

The weeklong suspension of Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston ended today with an elaborate cutting down ceremony in the middle of town square. Kingston had been suspended from the traffic light without pay for seven long days after the Police Commission declared his decision a year ago to illegally cash Taser donated checks a boo boo for which he had to be held accountable.

In the weeklong suspension, the embattled Police Chief faced harsh weather conditions, a riot in the streets below him, a potential terrorist attack, and a lost lottery ticket that could’ve won him five grand. But even by day seven, Chief Kingston’s penalty was not over.

The festivities began at seven this morning, when a crowd began to gather to witness Kingston’s last hour of suspension. Some college students showed up in biblical garb, carrying a lance. A pastor showed up to compare Kingston to a crucified Christ and declared it His "Eleventh Hour." Before long, a parade was arranged, and a spread of food that would’ve filled the Clover football field was laid out along Fairy Street. The only thing missing from Broken Springs’s celebration were chocolate covered pickles.

The presence of many small children resulted in one area mother setting up some carnival games for them to play as they waited for school to start. These games included ring toss and paintball. And because the local mother was staunch defender of Kingston, she included him in these games. His right leg served as the peg for the ring toss game, and he was a viable target in the game of paintball for everyone except for a latecomer, a short, grey haired boy dressed up as a cop who insisted on being called Danny. When he attempted to hit Kingston with the paint gun, everyone at Weed Way gas station took cover. A bit later, some of the adults began pitching horseshoes.

By seven thirty, the upside down Kingston had rings hanging from several limbs of his anatomy, a couple horseshoes wrapped around his neck (three points for a ringer), several splatters of paint on his personhood, including several in his nether regions, and he was covered from head to toe, or rather toe to head in silly strung. It was all good clean fun, at least to start with.

At eight AM, not a moment too soon for Kingston, town officials were hoisted up to the traffic light to officially cut him down. The initial plan was to slowly lower him onto the pavement, to prevent injury but when Mayor Chaddwick began lowering her favorite Chief, people from the crowd began counting down from ten as if a big ball was dropping. But in this case it was two small balls. Then suddenly, several intoxicated people from Coyote’s Watering Hole surrounded the Chief’s descending body and began smacking it with pool sticks. For the cost of a couple rounds of drinks, NFBS has learned the motive behind such absurd behavior. Apparently some unidentified male wearing high heels and a pink scarf around his burly neck ran through the tavern announcing that whoever broke the pinata hanging from the traffic light would win a first class one way ticket out of our sorry little town. According to a bartender with extremely big boobs that bounced when she talked, all the fit young males grabbed pool cues and ran for the door.

A minor scuffle broke out, but not between the drunks and townfolk as you might imagine. The scuffle was between Mayor Chaddwick and Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust over a pair of scissors. Hildecrust ended up with the shears but not because he was stronger than his foe. It just so happens that Chaddwick is ticklish. He sliced the twenty pound test line and sent Kingston crashing to the pavement on his head. A brief examination of the Chief showed a strawberry on his bald spot, but other than that, no major injuries. That is, until the sloshed residents continued beating him with pool sticks after he was on the ground. Then the Chief was diagnosed with a fractured rib, a sprained ankle, and two black eyes.

As he was hauled away on a stretcher and hoisted into the back of a Smack Us emergency vehicle, Mayor Chaddwick made this comment in between bites of a fried chicken drumstick, “That goes to show you just how strong Jim Kingston is.” She picked up a roll and doused it in butter. “He’s been to hell and back to show his devotion to this town,” she added between big bites. “He’s escaped this fiasco with his dignity!” she mumbled as she deep throated a hot dog covered with ketchup and mustard.

Because of his extensive injuries, Kingston is not expected to return to work for several months. According to friends of the Chief, he will be using his vacation time.

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