Monday, January 16, 2006

The Suspension: Day Six

As his sentence winds down, Chief Jim Kingston's days of hanging upside down from the only traffic light in Broken Springs are numbered. That is, if it’s really Jim Kingston up there.

Recent rumors are afloat that the man suspended above Crass and Fairy streets isn’t Kingston, but a stunt double hired by Kingston last night after an unfortunate personal incident with a nearby street sign. According to the medical reports we acquired by FOIA requests, Kingston was checked into Merciless hospital just after eight Sunday evening, and discharged with minor anal bleeding at around 9 PM. Most of the bleeding had stopped, according to his proctologist, Dr. Bob Cornhole, at which time the Chief was released with the instructions to return if his anal discharge returned in the following 12 hours. That story checks out with the information released by authorities in Broken Springs, but some still doubt the veracity of the timeline, insisting that the man wasn’t restrung until much later in the evening.

“I was on my way uptown to get *^%*faced,” said Marge Hanlin (24), a mother of six, “It was nearly eleven when traffic was backed up in the intersection. I got out of my car to see if there was an accident, and the guy in front of me rolled down his window and said they were stringing up the Chief. I said ‘Again?‘ I’d heard he was well hung, but this is ridiculous. Not to mention, an inconvenience. I missed last call for Happy Hour.”

We asked those who live near the intersection if they noticed any unusual behavior on Sunday night.

“You mean other than the guy in his long johns hanging from his feet?” asked Kenny Grounder, who only subscribes to the paper for the crosswords.

“Do you know who that is?” we asked him.

“My guess is David Copperfield, no wait… he doesn’t have that much hair. Maybe David Blaine?”

“Close,” we told him. “He’s a local master of illusion.”

“Well, whoever he is, he’s defecating all over the roadway. Someone should call the cops.”

Taking Mr. Grounder’s advice, we went straight to the source of the controversy. When asked if he was really Jim Kingston, the man who’s supposed to be Jim Kingston said, “Of course I’m Jim Kingston. Who else would the Police Commission hang upside down from a traffic light in the middle of town? They certainly wouldn’t do it to Ernie Hildecrust, would they? No, they won‘t even try recalling that heartless &*^%$#$.”

His use of profanity is another clue to his true identity. Would the real Jim Kingston, a loving, churchgoing moral man, use such vulgar language? Hell yes, we say, but others are unconvinced.

Many of the conspiracy theorists theorize that the Kingston look-alike has more facial hair than the real police chief and is also skinnier. But defenders insist that the physical change is only due to the fact that Kingston hasn’t shaved in nearly a week, and cannot eat properly since everything keeps falling out of his upside down mouth.

“That’s just a happy coincidence,” explained Bonii Didjaseedat. “If that was truly Jim Kingston up there, who’s the dark haired man sneaking into his house in the middle of the night? I have pictures in case anyone doesn’t believe me.”

“And his bald spot is smaller,” added one of Bonii’s supposed offspring. “Don’t tell me that all the sun and rain is helping to fertilize his head. He’s a Police Chief, not a Chia Pet.”

Since Kingston’s sentence ends tomorrow, the Police Commissioners have ruled against extensive identification verification. Fingerprinting and DNA tests could put aside the allegations, but wouldn’t be worth the cost, according to Mayor Jan Chaddwick, as she winked to whoever it was hanging from the traffic light.

Day Seven

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