Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Suspension: Day Two

Day two of Police Jim Chief Kingston’s weeklong suspension from the traffic light resumed today in what weather forecasters have labeled the warmest day of 2006. Unfortunately for the chief, the midday sun only served to bring out several pedestrians who chose to observe his punishment as they ate their lunch from the sidewalk. A ten-year-old boy, and future Broken Springs entrepreneur set up a lemonade stand less than a half block away and made $36 before he was arrested for solicitation by officer and Chief for a week, Daniel Shame. The ten-year-old was also slapped around a little to teach him a lesson.

The Chief’s day started out as normal as ever, despite the fact that he woke up hanging upside down from a line of fishing line in the middle of the town square. Shortly after waking up, Big Jim had to attend to Little Jim and some unfortunate tourists from Virginia needed to turn on their windshield wipers for what they assumed were January sprinkles. A bit later in the early morning, Mayor Jan Chaddwick made the mistake of looking up to gauge Kingston’s condition at the exact moment he… well, let’s just say she initially thought a pigeon was flying overhead. According to Kingston’s wife, Cherry, Jim regularly moves his bowels twice a day, at the same time each morning and evening, like clockwork. So measures were put in place for the intersection to be empty at 8:15 until 8:25 AM, for safety concerns. Wednesday’s issue of the Journalistic Error was hoisted up to him for his enjoyment, and also because he isn’t allowed any toilet paper.

The day progressed without excitement until after lunch, when Troublemaker Bob and his cohorts dragged themselves out of bed after their morning hangovers from the celebratory day before. Bob and his SOBs all stood below the swinging Kingston, throwing stones and heckling the poor upside down man. Kingston tried to ignore his antagonizing critics but after several hours couldn’t take it any longer. He decided to call in the reserves. From a cell phone velcroed to his right hip, placed there in case of emergencies by a tearful Curly Headed Sandy, Kingston called his wife and 50 of her closest friends, who came to the aid of the Chief within minutes. These FOJs met the SOBs head on in a modern day brawl loosely dubbed by television reporters as “Rumble in the Springs.” Local new stations, already on hand to report on the Chief’s suspension, reported live footage of the fight all across the nation, and even to a remote village in Bangladesh.

Anthony’s University student Abdur Zuberi was on his way to Banana Valley when the fight broke out. He grabbed the digital camcorder his girlfriend got him last year for Christmas, and caught the entire incident on film. He plans to send a copy home to his family in Bangladesh. “I can’t believe this,” the 21-year-old Junior told NFBS while in the street behind him, a burly man wrapped a little grey haired lady in a headlock and pummeled her dainty glasses. “Everyone always told me Broken Springs was so boring, and that nothing ever happens here. Boy were they wrong.”

By three PM, the only resident unscathed in the brawl was Kingston himself, as he swayed this way and that like a human pendulum. The streets of Broken Springs weren’t peaceful until the BS cops called in the National Guard to assist them in clearing out the riot. A dinnertime curfew was put in order while local cops arrested 263 for assault and search and rescue teams tended to the many wounded. Fairy and Crass streets, empty and dark, looked like a battle zone by the time the sun went down.

All that could be heard in Broken Springs was the sound of a warm splat on the pavement below the Chief. The sign above the Post Office read 9:00, and as his wife assured us, Jim was just like clockwork.

Day Three

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