Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Hunting Trip

Dear concerned citizens of Broken Springs,

So much has been made of my hunting trip behind PriMart last year that I’ve decided to once and for all set the record straight in order to prevent further embarrassment to my department. Yes, it is true that I accidentally discharged a weapon, hitting a young lady in the back of the leg as she pumped gas at PriMart but the circumstances surrounding this event are not fully known to my fellow villagers.

Last fall, my esteemed and benevolent boss, Chief Jim, or “Sheriff Andy Taylor” as we like to call him around the Department, insisted that I take a day off work after being on duty for a record 564 consecutive days, during which I handed out another record 3,276 tickets for everything from jaywalking to first degree murder. Chief Jim practically had to beg me to take a day off work, and I obliged him under the condition that I could wear my Kevlar under my hunting greens, in the event that I should come into contact with some dark skinned terrorist who may or may not attend Andrews University.

So I packed up my muzzle loader, and a twelve pack of Old Milwaukee’s Best and I headed into the woods behind the gas station because I once overheard a couple perps say they killed a 12 point buck out there. Once in the woods, I sprinkled me some doe urine on my boots, hoping to attract a big buck, because secretly the thought attracting a huge animal with a large penis makes me more excited than pulling over a truckload of Mexicans.

I wasn’t out there even an hour and had barely touched my 8th beer before a large muscular well hung deer peeked around a tree at me. Immediately my blood pressure began to rise, or something began to rise… I assume it was my blood pressure. I raised my firearm, and found the buck in the gun’s scope.. Then he started at me. I assure you, I’m not making this up. The large buck (13-14 points easy) started sprinting towards me faster than a nigra who’d just stolen a brand new TV. I backed up quickly, or as quickly as my short stocky body will move, and tried my hardest to keep the dangerous animal in the crosshairs of my aim. The only thought running through my mind at the time was protecting the sacred village of Broken Springs from this large and dangerous animal heading towards the gas station. Who knows what havoc it might’ve caused if unleashed on the town, especially seeing as how it was nearing 3:30, the time school lets out.

So time slowed down in those dangerous moments, and I’d be lying if I said my life didn’t pass before my eyes. If only I had my police dog, Duran there to protect me, but I’d left him home in his spacious 3x5 wire cage. He probably would’ve been no good anyway, because he only obeys orders given in German, a language I never mastered other than the word hamburger.

The buck was literally inches away from me, and close up I could see the strong muscles of his chest and how they rippled with each slow seductive movement of his front legs. So distracted I was by this most detailed and erotic sight, I tripped backwards so that the bottle of deer urine in my pocket tipped over and dribbled down my leg. I remember feeling its warmth soak through my long underwear, as the deer straddled my fallen body. All I could hear was a muffled grunting sound as the beast thrust itself on my right leg, the one soaked in deer urine.

When I hit the ground, my gun accidentally discharged well into the air and the bullet was fired behind me in the direction of the gas station. The noise from my weapon must’ve startled the animal because once the blast went off, the deer jumped off me and ran in the other direction. At once, I pulled myself from the ground, wiped the scent of deer urine off my leg (which unfortunately required my breaking of local nudity ordinances and would thus explain why I ran out of the woods naked, thereby scarring several on looking children for life). I was only notified later, by Chief Jim, that my stray bullet had lodged in the calf of an innocent woman pumping gas. I humbly apologized in person the next day, and talked her out of litigation.

So you see, fellow BSers, there's more to the story than meets the eye. I’m only grateful that the horrendous creature did not attack anyone else in our quaint little town, or that he didn’t want anything more from me than just a dry hump in the woods, otherwise I might not be alive to set the record straight.

I also think this story illustrates our desperate need for Tasers in the community. Had I been armed with a Taser, I could’ve electrified the beast with 50,000 volts in the middle of his fornicating behavior, thus protecting both the community and myself from the sexual assaults of one of the many mad creatures that stalk our fair city.

Serving and Protecting Always,

Daniel Shame


keli said...

Absultely brilliant!
I soiled a perfectly good pair of Aubade knickers reading this rollercoaster of a Redneck Romp in the Woods.

I have a feeling that someone may quite like to publish an edited version of this story on one of the Internet's most highly acclaimed Satire websites...

Shallow Throat said...

That someone, as always, has my utmost permission to edit anything I ever write for inclusion into that highly acclaimed satire website you speak of and yours truly appreciates your prompt comment.