Ways to Tighten the Budget

On August 2nd, Broken Springs police will ask the voters for more tax money to fund their department. In the event of a millage failure, we recommend the following modifications to keep things afloat. (Or better yet, do these and cancel the millage vote altogether.)

• Use police bikes instead of gas guzzling automobiles. The village of BS is one mile square, small enough to patrol by ten speed. Use the cars only for township patrols. The added exercise would also help keep our officers fit and trim, thereby resulting in fewer medical bills and insurance costs for the taxpayer to foot.

Estimated savings: $17,000 per car, $18,000 in fuel (180K miles/20 mpg = 9,000 fill-ups @ $2 per gallon) = $35,000 per vehicle, $175,000 if we lose 5 police cars.

• No more jelly doughnuts. Officers should be watching their weight anyhow, in the event of a foot chase with a Mexican who steals a tangerine from a local fruit stand. Glazed and sugar free doughnuts are cheaper and less unhealthy for the cop watching his waistline. This is an efficient way for the BSPD to, quite literally, tighten its belt.

Estimated savings: 25 cents per doughnut, per cop, per day = $14 a week, $728 annually.

• Forget the Tasers already! If BSers wanted our fuzz to be armed with 50,000 volts of electricity, we’d have deputized Thomas Edison. If BS cops are so concerned with their safety, they should either learn to use that thing holstered on their hip or consider a career change.Tasers are controversial, deadly, likely to be abused, and expensive. Who needs ‘em?

Estimated savings: $1700 for tasers, $300 for cartridges (a conservative estimate) = $2,000

• Don’t supply coverage to townships who don’t supply mutual aid back. Why we do this in the first place puzzles me. It’d be like America coming to France’s aid every time they got invaded. Sure, once or twice, if someone is trying to take over the world, okay. But on a weekly basis, and for non emergencies? These other townships are using us and spitting us out, like a skanky girlfriend uses a rich beau for jewelry and new threads. But at least he gets some pleasure out of it. We don’t even get a kiss.

Estimated savings: $35,000

• Hire a police cat instead of a drug dog. Duran, loved as he was, was a big furry waste of taxpayer’s money with a wet nose. Hire a Police Feline instead. They can be found for free on any night in any alley in Broken Springs. They are also more reliable at sniffing out convicts, never need to be muzzled, and are easily house trained.

Estimated savings: $10,000 for dog, $500 a year in Milkbones, totaling $10,500. (Add $50 for Officer Frisky's 9 Lives, $5 for litter box and litter, and $3 for little cute pink collar with a bell) = $10,442 savings.

• Supply only one bullet per gun per officer. If it’s good enough for Mayberry, it should be good enough for Broken Springs. After all, it’s been several years since any cop has actually had to fire a weapon (except for that one cop that one time behind the gas station while hunting). Auction excess bullets on ebay.

Estimated savings: No way of knowing for sure. Approximately $2 per cop = $24 annually.

• Don’t give back vacation pay, even if it is to the Police Chief and even if he is a homegrown citizen who donates to charity and knows everyone by their first name. If the department’s policy is ‘Use it or lose it’ then don’t allow Indian givers.

Estimated savings: $5,000

• Have Police Officer Auctions and "Chippendale" style calenders. With the dozen studs we have serving and protecting, we ought to be able to raise at least a ten spot, maybe even fifteen dollars if they promise not to take off any clothes.

So you see, ladies and germs, we don’t need no pesky mill. Just with these ideas off the top of my head, I’ve managed to save our department $227,553, which would put them far in the black and in need of no further tax money. Please, no need for applause.