Tasers Save Lives
As I mentioned at last month’s police commission meeting, my son is a police officer who has had to use tasers on the job. Those who oppose tasers do so only because they care more about criminals than they do the police officers hired to protect and serve our society. Not only do these protective devices prevent injuries to officers, they also help save innocent lives, as the following story illustrates.
It was a routine bank robbery last summer when Dick Cheney was leaving our glorious little town of Broken Springs. Our cops were all relaxing over breakfast at the Daybreak Café (back when it was a good place to eat) as a masked black man sauntered into the Three Fifths Bank, presented a gun, and demanded from the teller all of the money in Broken Springs.
The teller, having known Chief Jim on a more intimate level than the rest of us (enough to cash checks even if they’re not made out to him), excused herself to the ladies room where she speed dialed Chief Jim on her mobile phone and notified him of the situation.
Jim, being the efficient and devoted leader that he is, dropped his fork on the spot and left his eggs over easy untouched. He raced to the scene with another Broken Springs officer, Keith Mauve. By this time, another customer in the bank had collapsed at the sight of the black man with the gun. Ambulances were quickly dispatched but the man was already cold on the floor.
My son, a reserve officer for the Michigan State Police, was the first on the scene. He wrestled the gun out of the robber’s black hands and in the scuffle, dropped his taser to the floor, where Officer Mauve promptly recovered it while Chief Jim ordered the black assailant face down on the floor with his black hands where they could see them. When the black suspect took a step towards them, Officer Mauve aimed and fired 50,000 volts of electricity in his direction.
Unfortunately it missed the black assailant but the prongs lodged themselves instead into the body of the deceased man on the floor. Chief Jim, with help from the boy I squeezed out of my vagina, tackled the black suspect to the ground and handcuffed him. Meanwhile, to the surprise of the bank employees, the dead man on the floor twitched and upon inspection was found to be breathing and very much alive. Apparently the electricity had jump started his heart and saved his life.
So you see, my fellow citizens, tasers are a matter of life and death but not in the way you might be led to believe by the crybabies in our community. Our responsible officers and law abiding society can and should benefit from this life saving modern technology.