Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Laundry Sabotage Investigation

Broken Springs Police have begun an investigation into possible sabotage at the town’s only Laundromat, the Sudz n Dudz, after local Klansman Arnie Perkins formally complained that their washer turned his robe and hood a bright shade of flamingo pink.

Perkins, whose lifelong affiliation with the Klan has made him a notorious BSer, alleges that some of the town’s younger ‘tanner’ citizens sabotaged his washer with a red jersey, which he described as, “probably gang colors of some sort.”

Asked how he can be sure if the suspects were of a darker race, Perkins replied, “I’m certain of it. They were also carrying watermelons, listening to rap, and while exiting the Laundromat, they almost tripped over their baggy jeans.”

When questioned whether the laundry incident could’ve been his own fault, Perkins grew so irate that his face turned redder than his KKK getup. “I always separate my coloreds from my whites! Segregation is the way of the Lord. In laundry and also in life."

The mishap, however, didn’t discourage him from attending his monthly Klansman rally, held in his hometown, Pigeon Hole, Alabama. But because his robe and hood were both an unfortunate shade of pink, Arnie was immediately asked to go home, on the suspicion of being a homosexual.

"Unfortunately my fellow Klansman judged me solely on the color of my robe. But I can't help it what color my robe is. What's inside is what counts," said Arnie, wiping back a tear.

In related news, convenience store owner Stan Carpenter reported that two black males stole two 40 oz bottles of Mickey’s Malt Liquor, valued at $1.89 apiece. The two suspects escaped on foot, and were described by local authorities as “two black males, don’t they all look the same?” Public is advised to be on the lookout, as suspects are considered armed and dangerous, not to mention drunk on very cheap beer.

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