Things have quieted down on the local front, ever since the Underground went underground. Police Commission meetings have gotten so tedious I’ve opted out of them the last two months. What can I say? Times are busy. Other obligations arise. My life has lately been consumed by real politics, work, and the fall season premiers of my favorite television shows. Oh yes. It’s a strange time in life when your favorite actor on tv is a presumed dead member of the mongoose family.
In the neighboring town of Buckville, they’re about to make the same mistake we made last year in Broken Springs. The school board is negotiating a contract with Laidlow Inc., a private company originally from Canada which will bust up the driver and custodial unions and therefore save the school precious dinero. This is much preferred to cutting the pork out of the budget for the higher ups on the totem pole. If anyone cares enough about the safety and well being of local children, they might want to attend the school board meetings next month on the 13th and 20th in Bucktown. They got the guns but we got the numbers, as a long dark haired beauty once sang…
Our local pols and pol wannabes got down and dirty recently at the League of Lady Voters sponsored debate. I believe all the candidates officially came out against trash (bold of them, no?) but the trash I’m interested in removing from the state currently resides in office.
Speaking of unnecessary pork, Neo Nitzi was the only candidate to publicly support privatization if it saves the school districts money. This is just a hunch, but I’m guessin’ the little Neo Nitzis in his family are all home schooled. Newsflash to Mr. Oink: Privatization is always cheaper, at least to begin with. But no one seriously should consider going to the prom wearing a halter top bought at Walmart.
Do yourself a favor. Get familiar with this issue. Privatization is unfortunately becoming the new American way of life, but at what cost?
Until next time,
Downward and backward!
DISCLAIMER: Contents are fiction and intended for mature audiences.
"Satirical garbage, atrocious, obscene, and shameful." -local FOJ
"Anything but elegant" - Herald Palladium
"Contains some sophomoric content that many would find offensive" -Herald Palladium
Updated weakly, very weakly
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
B&E Sting Botched
Turns out “burglar” lived there…
When part time Broken Springs officer Keith Mauve noticed a dark skinned male moving suspiciously on the property across the street from where Mauve was moonlighting as a very tardy gas man, he thought he was witnessing a crime in progress. But his impromptu sting operation fell apart when he discovered that the cell phone clipped to his belt was dead. Frantically, as if he’d inhaled too many gas fumes, he pounded on the door of the house where he was working, but to his dismay the single woman inside wouldn’t let a stranger like him in to use her phone. Not wishing to blow his undercover status as a police officer, Mauve withheld his true identity and attempted to push his way into the house anyway. But thanks to Geritol, the tiny woman was stronger than she looked and he was unable to carry through with his plan. Frustrated, he told her she was going to blow everything and because he’d just installed a gas line, the woman thought he was threatening to blow up her house if she didn’t let him in. When she called 911 on him, he didn’t stop her because that was who he planned to call all along.
Officer Scroggins arrived at the scene in a very quick 25 minutes and when he did, the suspected burglar was still maneuvering across the street. Officer Mauve explained to his younger, slimmer co-worker that the man had been over there nearly an hour, snooping about, mysteriously moving furniture from his truck bed into the house, rather than the other way around. This was, as Mauve explained it, a possible decoy, just like the puzzling act of letting the dog out of the pen in the backyard to feed it.
“Clearly, the guy’s up to no good,” insisted Mauve to Scroggins. “He’s probably a terrorist or at least a burglar. Possibly both.”
But when Scroggins approached the suspect, one hand on his holster and the other on his inquisitional mag light, the officer learned the embarrassing truth. His fellow cop was an idiot.
The “burglar” in question turned out to be the property owner who’d just been hauling a recently purchased sofa onto his porch. When asked why he suspected the innocent homeowner of home invasion, especially since burglars usually haul furniture out of instead of into a house, Mauve insisted that criminals nowadays are often more clever than the cops trying to catch them. But others in the neighborhood suspect that Mauve had been burning the midnight oil that night with a fellow named Walker. Johnny Walker.
Despite the humiliating tale, Chief Kingston took the opportunity to applaud his department over the incident, making the following argument, “My officers are ever vigilant and devoted to protecting Broken Springs residents, even if only from themselves.”
For his vigilance, Mauve was awarded his long awaited Police Academy stripes and he was also given a raise. He plans to use the extra money either on a spare cell phone battery or another fifth of scotch. Possibly both.
When part time Broken Springs officer Keith Mauve noticed a dark skinned male moving suspiciously on the property across the street from where Mauve was moonlighting as a very tardy gas man, he thought he was witnessing a crime in progress. But his impromptu sting operation fell apart when he discovered that the cell phone clipped to his belt was dead. Frantically, as if he’d inhaled too many gas fumes, he pounded on the door of the house where he was working, but to his dismay the single woman inside wouldn’t let a stranger like him in to use her phone. Not wishing to blow his undercover status as a police officer, Mauve withheld his true identity and attempted to push his way into the house anyway. But thanks to Geritol, the tiny woman was stronger than she looked and he was unable to carry through with his plan. Frustrated, he told her she was going to blow everything and because he’d just installed a gas line, the woman thought he was threatening to blow up her house if she didn’t let him in. When she called 911 on him, he didn’t stop her because that was who he planned to call all along.
Officer Scroggins arrived at the scene in a very quick 25 minutes and when he did, the suspected burglar was still maneuvering across the street. Officer Mauve explained to his younger, slimmer co-worker that the man had been over there nearly an hour, snooping about, mysteriously moving furniture from his truck bed into the house, rather than the other way around. This was, as Mauve explained it, a possible decoy, just like the puzzling act of letting the dog out of the pen in the backyard to feed it.
“Clearly, the guy’s up to no good,” insisted Mauve to Scroggins. “He’s probably a terrorist or at least a burglar. Possibly both.”
But when Scroggins approached the suspect, one hand on his holster and the other on his inquisitional mag light, the officer learned the embarrassing truth. His fellow cop was an idiot.
The “burglar” in question turned out to be the property owner who’d just been hauling a recently purchased sofa onto his porch. When asked why he suspected the innocent homeowner of home invasion, especially since burglars usually haul furniture out of instead of into a house, Mauve insisted that criminals nowadays are often more clever than the cops trying to catch them. But others in the neighborhood suspect that Mauve had been burning the midnight oil that night with a fellow named Walker. Johnny Walker.
Despite the humiliating tale, Chief Kingston took the opportunity to applaud his department over the incident, making the following argument, “My officers are ever vigilant and devoted to protecting Broken Springs residents, even if only from themselves.”
For his vigilance, Mauve was awarded his long awaited Police Academy stripes and he was also given a raise. He plans to use the extra money either on a spare cell phone battery or another fifth of scotch. Possibly both.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Police Commission Meeting
There was a packed house for this month’s meeting. It was standing room only, but only because there were no chairs. Other than the three commissioners (plus the secretary and the attorney) there were five audience members. Next month they should consider charging at the door.
Mayor Jan Chaddwick was absent. Probably had another stroke.
Commissioner Bob Frugal doesn’t sound so good either. They said he had shaking grapes syndrome.
Amidst all of this excitement, the minutes from the last meeting are accepted, as are the bills. The financial report was thrown out the window, though. Just kidding. It was accepted as well.
Chief Thief Kingston says that complaints were up 3% this month, most of them probably about the police department.
Attorney Amnesia then talks very boringly about retirement funding. His discourse is so boring, I want to retire. He insists that the police department is under-funded while the fire department is over-funded. Personally I’m just dum-funded. Everyone knows that firemen are hotter than police officers, therefore they should have a better retirement fund. Amnesia, perhaps because he knows something the rest of us do not, speaks in hypotheticals, assuming the worst. He keeps saying things like, “If the department is still here…” Where else would it be? Neptune? Uranus?
Kingston then expresses his ambitions to get his hands on a fingerprinting machine here. Apparently they cost an arm and a leg, and we currently resort to using Niles’s facilitities. LSD’s machine is not good enough, obviously because they weren’t even able to screen the private company currently putting their handicapped children at risk. The commission decides to share Anthonys University’s fingerprinting machine. AU will bill us by the fingertip and round to the nearest digit. But first we must get an okay from the state of Michigan.
Rob Fishnet has proven that education pays off (it just sometimes has a bad exchange rate) when he caught a fourth offense DUIer. And another of our brave police men even worked… brace yourself… a ten hour shift and miraculously lived to tell about it. It included a 6-7 hour round trip to Detroit.
There was a drug prescription pad stolen. Someone forged the doctor’s signature and the thief was only caught because his forgery was legible.
Some idiot bank (you choose) in town cashed an $8,000 rubber check for a guy with no account. With the money he bought a car in Chicago, and a license and insurance with more bad checks. But the good news is he saved a ton of money on car insurance with Geico.
There have been robberies galore in Broken Springs!
The Dairy King robber is still at large.
Family Penny’s robber is still at large.
McHeart Attack’s robber was at large until he was supersized.
In fact, Broken Springs has had so many robberies, police are now mistaking ordinary citizens as robbers in their own houses.
There was another incident of kids causing trouble at Anthonys University. They were trying to eat pork in the parking lot and a riot ensued.
The mother of a sex offender was caught in Rob’s Fishnet when her crashing car came over the hill. She’s also the daughter of a man who’s fished all his life without a license. And her third cousin once sodomized a pumpkin.
Someone who’d rolled down Niagra Falls in a barrel has been attempting to steal identities. Sandy Quarts thinks she got an email from him about transferring money from one of his accounts. BS Police are planning on tracing the email.
The Pollack cop who we recently traded to the Sheriff’s Department (for a minor league cop to be named later) pulled over a man traveling not only with a known felon but several baggies full of marijuana and money. The Pollack cop smoked the money and turned in the marijuana.
All of this is proving that times are tough in Lil Chicago. The Chief Thief insists that this is reason enough to purchase an extra squad car. But Commission Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust wants to downsize to three cop cars, from four. Kingston protested, saying that with only three cars, only three quarters of our town would be covered. Furthermore, the ole Green Machine is so over driven he doesn’t even use it for patrol anymore. He only uses it to go back and forth to work, not counting the trips to Weedway Gas Station to load up on Gatorade, hot dogs, and scratch off tickets.
Sandy insists we need lots and lots of cars, the more the better. The more we have, the safer we are. She prefers a fleet. Jimmy says the cars we already have are beat to death so we need new ones and we need them by the first of the year. Ernie insists that this is not the time to spend money foolishly even if the people of Broken Springs are foolishly throwing gobs of extra money their way.
Sandy Quarts points out the cop cars go 100 mph, which is almost as fast as they go at Indy and Daytona.
Tempers begin to flare as the two sides butt heads.
Ernie just wants to be seen by his constituents as a fiscally sound representative.
Jimmy just wants more toys, and lots of them.
Sandy just wants Jimmy to get whatever he wants.
Phil Ruse just wants to get home in time for Wheel of Fortune.
Ruse, back from his temporary visit to Saturn, makes a motion to pass the budget, which includes $44,000 for two new patrol cars. Since we learned last year that a new Impala costs $17,000, we can now assume that the bubble gum lights and XM Satellite radio costs an extra five grand per car.
There’s more jumping back and forth, which makes me wish I’d actually attended this meeting instead of getting my butt kicked on the pool table.
It seems that whatever Jimmy wants Jimmy gets but not this time. Phil Ruse had misunderstood what he was voting on and called a “do over,” at which time he voted with that anti-cop sourpuss Ernie Hildecrust. Rock on, boys. Make Jimmy earn that extra set of wheels.
Meeting adjourned.
Mayor Jan Chaddwick was absent. Probably had another stroke.
Commissioner Bob Frugal doesn’t sound so good either. They said he had shaking grapes syndrome.
Amidst all of this excitement, the minutes from the last meeting are accepted, as are the bills. The financial report was thrown out the window, though. Just kidding. It was accepted as well.
Chief Thief Kingston says that complaints were up 3% this month, most of them probably about the police department.
Attorney Amnesia then talks very boringly about retirement funding. His discourse is so boring, I want to retire. He insists that the police department is under-funded while the fire department is over-funded. Personally I’m just dum-funded. Everyone knows that firemen are hotter than police officers, therefore they should have a better retirement fund. Amnesia, perhaps because he knows something the rest of us do not, speaks in hypotheticals, assuming the worst. He keeps saying things like, “If the department is still here…” Where else would it be? Neptune? Uranus?
Kingston then expresses his ambitions to get his hands on a fingerprinting machine here. Apparently they cost an arm and a leg, and we currently resort to using Niles’s facilitities. LSD’s machine is not good enough, obviously because they weren’t even able to screen the private company currently putting their handicapped children at risk. The commission decides to share Anthonys University’s fingerprinting machine. AU will bill us by the fingertip and round to the nearest digit. But first we must get an okay from the state of Michigan.
Rob Fishnet has proven that education pays off (it just sometimes has a bad exchange rate) when he caught a fourth offense DUIer. And another of our brave police men even worked… brace yourself… a ten hour shift and miraculously lived to tell about it. It included a 6-7 hour round trip to Detroit.
There was a drug prescription pad stolen. Someone forged the doctor’s signature and the thief was only caught because his forgery was legible.
Some idiot bank (you choose) in town cashed an $8,000 rubber check for a guy with no account. With the money he bought a car in Chicago, and a license and insurance with more bad checks. But the good news is he saved a ton of money on car insurance with Geico.
There have been robberies galore in Broken Springs!
The Dairy King robber is still at large.
Family Penny’s robber is still at large.
McHeart Attack’s robber was at large until he was supersized.
In fact, Broken Springs has had so many robberies, police are now mistaking ordinary citizens as robbers in their own houses.
There was another incident of kids causing trouble at Anthonys University. They were trying to eat pork in the parking lot and a riot ensued.
The mother of a sex offender was caught in Rob’s Fishnet when her crashing car came over the hill. She’s also the daughter of a man who’s fished all his life without a license. And her third cousin once sodomized a pumpkin.
Someone who’d rolled down Niagra Falls in a barrel has been attempting to steal identities. Sandy Quarts thinks she got an email from him about transferring money from one of his accounts. BS Police are planning on tracing the email.
The Pollack cop who we recently traded to the Sheriff’s Department (for a minor league cop to be named later) pulled over a man traveling not only with a known felon but several baggies full of marijuana and money. The Pollack cop smoked the money and turned in the marijuana.
All of this is proving that times are tough in Lil Chicago. The Chief Thief insists that this is reason enough to purchase an extra squad car. But Commission Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust wants to downsize to three cop cars, from four. Kingston protested, saying that with only three cars, only three quarters of our town would be covered. Furthermore, the ole Green Machine is so over driven he doesn’t even use it for patrol anymore. He only uses it to go back and forth to work, not counting the trips to Weedway Gas Station to load up on Gatorade, hot dogs, and scratch off tickets.
Sandy insists we need lots and lots of cars, the more the better. The more we have, the safer we are. She prefers a fleet. Jimmy says the cars we already have are beat to death so we need new ones and we need them by the first of the year. Ernie insists that this is not the time to spend money foolishly even if the people of Broken Springs are foolishly throwing gobs of extra money their way.
Sandy Quarts points out the cop cars go 100 mph, which is almost as fast as they go at Indy and Daytona.
Tempers begin to flare as the two sides butt heads.
Ernie just wants to be seen by his constituents as a fiscally sound representative.
Jimmy just wants more toys, and lots of them.
Sandy just wants Jimmy to get whatever he wants.
Phil Ruse just wants to get home in time for Wheel of Fortune.
Ruse, back from his temporary visit to Saturn, makes a motion to pass the budget, which includes $44,000 for two new patrol cars. Since we learned last year that a new Impala costs $17,000, we can now assume that the bubble gum lights and XM Satellite radio costs an extra five grand per car.
There’s more jumping back and forth, which makes me wish I’d actually attended this meeting instead of getting my butt kicked on the pool table.
It seems that whatever Jimmy wants Jimmy gets but not this time. Phil Ruse had misunderstood what he was voting on and called a “do over,” at which time he voted with that anti-cop sourpuss Ernie Hildecrust. Rock on, boys. Make Jimmy earn that extra set of wheels.
Meeting adjourned.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Waterboarding: America's New Pastime
And now, a special treat for our regular readers…
Local Broken Springs resident Dick Commando illustrates why America is the land of the free and the home of the brave…
Dear Editor,
I’ve had it up to my bloodshot eyeballs with those Constitution loving, tree huggin’ “Americans” who can’t understand the imperative value of torture in today’s dangerous, terroristical society, where evil lurks in every dark corner. I’m also tired of “leaders” like Hugo Chavez stealing away our freedom of speech (like the immigrants do our jobs) only call our President an alcoholic Lucifer. We all know that Hillary’s the devil, not Bush.
Let me remind anyone bored enough to read my tedious tripe that America is so popular we have to build electric fences to keep people out, not the other way around. We’re the only real free country in the world, and most European countries, for example, wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them in their big, smelly noses. Freedom is the right to buy assault rifles that fire 100 rounds without having to reload, a right courageously defended by the NRA. Freedom is the right to drive a 4x4 Dodge Ram even if it does only get six miles per gallon of gasoline. It’s certainly safer than those European midget cars, assuming you can afford to drive it. We have a right to be dependant on oil. Had it not been for oil company profits, how else would our great Protector Bush have been elected to begin with?
We’re being called imperialistic war mongers by our many enemies around the globe, despite the fact that we only bomb on average one sovereign nation every decade. When we have properly spread democracy and McDonalds to Iraq, we’ll give back their nation status. Would Hitler do the same? Would Stalin? Or would they laugh at Bush’s imperialistic impotence?
Our own “countrymen” also whine about the NSA wiretapping program, as if it’s ever stepped on any personal civil liberties of anyone who didn’t already deserve a boot in their back. I’m still waiting for the herds of
lawsuits that will never be brought up against the only true patriots among us, namely Saint Bush and his Homeland Security Officers.
Proving that even a broken clock is right twice a day, former “President” Clinton knew the importance of torture when he signed into law the Rendition Act, thereby inventing American torture policy. Nevermind that this same “President” showed his leftist leanings when he ratified the UN’s 1985 Convention Against Torture. That was only for show, like when he went to church. Being married to Hillary, Bill knew a thing or two about torture. And I, for one, applaud his courageous actions.
Terrorists do not deserve rights, nor do suspected terrorists, nor does anyone who believes that terrorists or suspected terrorists (as defined by the Patriot Act) ought to be protected from any torture we inflict on them. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the Constitution applies to non-citizens or anyone who doesn’t fly an American flag 24/7. Nor should the Geneva Convention apply to anyone other than Americans, and by Americans I mean of course those who correctly value security over liberty. Some argue that if we do not hold to the standards of the Geneva Convention, then our boys are more apt to be tortured themselves. To that I say: TESTICLES! Even John McCain would laugh at that assumption.
The ACLU, despite it being a staunch defender of this website, also defends those who burn flags. ACLU members should stop burning the flag and start burning the Constitution, which has been used merely as an instrument for Liberals to impede national security. When will people realize that the Constitution was penned by our Founding Fathers as a way to make America just as strong as the country from which it rebelled? It is not, as liberal educators teach, a document whose purpose is to protect the citizens from its government. Defenders of “civil liberties” only help erode the biggest liberty of all, our nation’s right to be strong and secure.
We must rise up as a country to defeat the evil known as terrorism, even if it means attacking an occasional sovereign nation under false pretenses and waging an occasional never ending war which some say makes us weaker and more susceptible to terrorism. But the cowardly John Kerrys of the world who insist that we must cower to the pacifists, cutting and running with our tail between our legs haven’t any better ideas about how to protect us. A military genius (who remains nameless for reasons obvious to anyone who looks him up) once said, “Strength lies not in defense but in attack.” Those who whine about being too aggressive in protecting America’s right to security simply don’t deserve America’s security.
Sincerely,
Dick Commando
Local Broken Springs resident Dick Commando illustrates why America is the land of the free and the home of the brave…
Dear Editor,
I’ve had it up to my bloodshot eyeballs with those Constitution loving, tree huggin’ “Americans” who can’t understand the imperative value of torture in today’s dangerous, terroristical society, where evil lurks in every dark corner. I’m also tired of “leaders” like Hugo Chavez stealing away our freedom of speech (like the immigrants do our jobs) only call our President an alcoholic Lucifer. We all know that Hillary’s the devil, not Bush.
Let me remind anyone bored enough to read my tedious tripe that America is so popular we have to build electric fences to keep people out, not the other way around. We’re the only real free country in the world, and most European countries, for example, wouldn’t know freedom if it bit them in their big, smelly noses. Freedom is the right to buy assault rifles that fire 100 rounds without having to reload, a right courageously defended by the NRA. Freedom is the right to drive a 4x4 Dodge Ram even if it does only get six miles per gallon of gasoline. It’s certainly safer than those European midget cars, assuming you can afford to drive it. We have a right to be dependant on oil. Had it not been for oil company profits, how else would our great Protector Bush have been elected to begin with?
We’re being called imperialistic war mongers by our many enemies around the globe, despite the fact that we only bomb on average one sovereign nation every decade. When we have properly spread democracy and McDonalds to Iraq, we’ll give back their nation status. Would Hitler do the same? Would Stalin? Or would they laugh at Bush’s imperialistic impotence?
Our own “countrymen” also whine about the NSA wiretapping program, as if it’s ever stepped on any personal civil liberties of anyone who didn’t already deserve a boot in their back. I’m still waiting for the herds of
lawsuits that will never be brought up against the only true patriots among us, namely Saint Bush and his Homeland Security Officers.
Proving that even a broken clock is right twice a day, former “President” Clinton knew the importance of torture when he signed into law the Rendition Act, thereby inventing American torture policy. Nevermind that this same “President” showed his leftist leanings when he ratified the UN’s 1985 Convention Against Torture. That was only for show, like when he went to church. Being married to Hillary, Bill knew a thing or two about torture. And I, for one, applaud his courageous actions.
Terrorists do not deserve rights, nor do suspected terrorists, nor does anyone who believes that terrorists or suspected terrorists (as defined by the Patriot Act) ought to be protected from any torture we inflict on them. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the Constitution applies to non-citizens or anyone who doesn’t fly an American flag 24/7. Nor should the Geneva Convention apply to anyone other than Americans, and by Americans I mean of course those who correctly value security over liberty. Some argue that if we do not hold to the standards of the Geneva Convention, then our boys are more apt to be tortured themselves. To that I say: TESTICLES! Even John McCain would laugh at that assumption.
The ACLU, despite it being a staunch defender of this website, also defends those who burn flags. ACLU members should stop burning the flag and start burning the Constitution, which has been used merely as an instrument for Liberals to impede national security. When will people realize that the Constitution was penned by our Founding Fathers as a way to make America just as strong as the country from which it rebelled? It is not, as liberal educators teach, a document whose purpose is to protect the citizens from its government. Defenders of “civil liberties” only help erode the biggest liberty of all, our nation’s right to be strong and secure.
We must rise up as a country to defeat the evil known as terrorism, even if it means attacking an occasional sovereign nation under false pretenses and waging an occasional never ending war which some say makes us weaker and more susceptible to terrorism. But the cowardly John Kerrys of the world who insist that we must cower to the pacifists, cutting and running with our tail between our legs haven’t any better ideas about how to protect us. A military genius (who remains nameless for reasons obvious to anyone who looks him up) once said, “Strength lies not in defense but in attack.” Those who whine about being too aggressive in protecting America’s right to security simply don’t deserve America’s security.
Sincerely,
Dick Commando
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Township Council Pines for Tree Solution
If the electric company cuts down a tree in the township and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
The Onoyoko township board certainly did Tuesday night, as they discussed the right to cut down trees with the community affairs official for IMP (Indiana Michigan Power). It wouldn’t be going out on a limb to say that several council members are barking mad at the company’s tree trimming and removal procedures.
IMP’s community affairs officer Harry Palms was caught off guard at the monthly meeting, as questions many residents and township council members threw his way left him looking stumped and a bit like a sap. He defended his company’s program, insisting that careful tree trimming and removal is both necessary and crucial in serving over a hundred thousand customers who swamp the phone lines every time their microwave’s clock needs to be reset. Citing an example of another such inconvenience, Palm explained, “We recently removed a tree whose roots had intertwined with the village’s new sewer system. Boy was that a son of a birch to pull out of the ground.”
Clerk Sue Frettin said that before IMP trims any more trees, she wants to see the township's original agreement and review each situation tree by tree. She also wants property owners notified of the fate of their trees. Trustee Dorothy Hildecrust also offered to review what trees are being targeted by those she called, “heartless tree butchers.” Both women even demanded that all work be halted until these prickly issues are resolved.
Going against the grain, Supervisor Hildecrust defended IMP’s right to trim and remove trees that obstruct the electrical lines that power his freezers full of peaches. Others on the council agreed that trees are nice, but not if their children can’t play X-box.
But Frettin and Dot Hildecrust, the splinter group of the council, insisted that most of the power outages they’ve experienced have been due to malfunctioning transformers and not obstructive tree limbs. Furthermore, they added, tree surgery is ugly and detracts from the value of one’s home, not to mention the sense of ambience to one’s property. Resident Helen Damnaschion reported that one of her trees was “as ugly as Chelsea Clinton” after IMP got done with it. Palms explained that sometimes trees are trimmed differently if they’re unhealthy.
“It wasn’t ill,” insisted Damnaschion. “It was just a little sycamore.”
Palms again insisted that most of the public doesn’t give a fig about ambience or the fact that trees emit valuable oxygen into the earth’s atmosphere. “The public’s right to electricity trumps their right to live healthier and happier lives,” he said, although his views weren’t at all poplar with the audience.
“When it comes to the power business, trees can be a real pain in the ash,” he said, ignoring the subsequent boos from the crowd.
“You can have our trees when you rip them from our cold, dead limbs!” yelled out an unidentified wrinkled man, swinging his cane like it was a Louisville Slugger.
Faced with such an angry crowd, Palms reluctantly agreed to consider each case tree by tree, notifying property owners, renters, and whomever else might be affected by the loss of the tree in question. But he noted that once the electricity goes out in those areas where limbs are left untouched, he doesn’t expect to hear any complaints about the loss of power.
“If you don’t have lights and come crying to us, you’ll be barking up the wrong… well, you know...” he said.
The Onoyoko township board certainly did Tuesday night, as they discussed the right to cut down trees with the community affairs official for IMP (Indiana Michigan Power). It wouldn’t be going out on a limb to say that several council members are barking mad at the company’s tree trimming and removal procedures.
IMP’s community affairs officer Harry Palms was caught off guard at the monthly meeting, as questions many residents and township council members threw his way left him looking stumped and a bit like a sap. He defended his company’s program, insisting that careful tree trimming and removal is both necessary and crucial in serving over a hundred thousand customers who swamp the phone lines every time their microwave’s clock needs to be reset. Citing an example of another such inconvenience, Palm explained, “We recently removed a tree whose roots had intertwined with the village’s new sewer system. Boy was that a son of a birch to pull out of the ground.”Clerk Sue Frettin said that before IMP trims any more trees, she wants to see the township's original agreement and review each situation tree by tree. She also wants property owners notified of the fate of their trees. Trustee Dorothy Hildecrust also offered to review what trees are being targeted by those she called, “heartless tree butchers.” Both women even demanded that all work be halted until these prickly issues are resolved.
Going against the grain, Supervisor Hildecrust defended IMP’s right to trim and remove trees that obstruct the electrical lines that power his freezers full of peaches. Others on the council agreed that trees are nice, but not if their children can’t play X-box.
But Frettin and Dot Hildecrust, the splinter group of the council, insisted that most of the power outages they’ve experienced have been due to malfunctioning transformers and not obstructive tree limbs. Furthermore, they added, tree surgery is ugly and detracts from the value of one’s home, not to mention the sense of ambience to one’s property. Resident Helen Damnaschion reported that one of her trees was “as ugly as Chelsea Clinton” after IMP got done with it. Palms explained that sometimes trees are trimmed differently if they’re unhealthy.
“It wasn’t ill,” insisted Damnaschion. “It was just a little sycamore.”
Palms again insisted that most of the public doesn’t give a fig about ambience or the fact that trees emit valuable oxygen into the earth’s atmosphere. “The public’s right to electricity trumps their right to live healthier and happier lives,” he said, although his views weren’t at all poplar with the audience.
“When it comes to the power business, trees can be a real pain in the ash,” he said, ignoring the subsequent boos from the crowd.
“You can have our trees when you rip them from our cold, dead limbs!” yelled out an unidentified wrinkled man, swinging his cane like it was a Louisville Slugger.
Faced with such an angry crowd, Palms reluctantly agreed to consider each case tree by tree, notifying property owners, renters, and whomever else might be affected by the loss of the tree in question. But he noted that once the electricity goes out in those areas where limbs are left untouched, he doesn’t expect to hear any complaints about the loss of power.
“If you don’t have lights and come crying to us, you’ll be barking up the wrong… well, you know...” he said.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Police Commission Meeting
Please note: Your own Shallow Throat was unable to attend this month’s police commission meeting. Nor were any of her minions able to attend, due to unforeseen circumstances that involve that ugly four letter W word. But in the spirit of tradition, the blog must go on, which means only one thing: Everything you’re about to read is pure horse manure, totally uninspired by real events that took place at this month’s police commission meeting. Chin up, dear readers… this account is bound to be much more interesting.
The meeting was called to order at approximately 7:02, after a moment of silence for the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks five years ago. Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust remarked that he cannot believe it’s been five years already and Mayor Jan Chaddwick replied with a very original and witty “Time flies” comment, being sure to forget to add, “when you’re having fun.”
Chief Kingston was draped in compliments from both the commission and blood related audience for bravely counseling emergency personnel at Ground Zero nearly five months after the attacks five years ago.
By the way, Jan Chaddwick was clad in a very stylish olive green button down sweater, complimented by a baby poop brown pair of elastic waist dress slacks. Chief Kingston was wearing, you guessed it, a collared shirt with a red, white, and blue eagle tie. But the eagle on tie wasn’t the only bald one in the room. Kingston’s tie clip shined nearly as much as the top of his head.
Last meeting’s minutes were approved and someone made the daring motion to pay this month’s bills in the amount of $358,923, plus tip.
The Chief’s report was given, and as usual, our Finest have been busier than roosters in a henhouse. Drunk driving arrests were up because they go up every month. Even a limo driver was pulled over for a DUI. Most of our officers were paid some sort of overtime this month, except for the reserves, including Rob Fishnet, whom we still haven’t offered full time employment to.
A special kudos goes out to officer Mort Allgay, who single-handedly dug out a fallen worker from a 14 foot trench at Hildecrust Holes subdivision. Chairman Ernie was sure to thank Chief Kingston and his entire department for saving him some huge workman’s compensation bills, not to mention a potential lawsuit from the accident prone victim.
Also this month, officers were called to the scene of an overturned pontoon boat on Chopin Lake. How the boat overturned is unclear but some suspect it had something to do with the waterskiers behind it. Apparently, even if pontoon boats are rigged with twin 120 hp outboards, they’re not meant to go full throttle. No one was hurt in the accident but they all were pretty embarrassed.
There was also some sort of immigration crackdown on Benjamin Street on the always dangerous east part of town. Local units were unaware until recently that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) was investigating one of Broken Springs’s own. But several witnesses of the “swat team” called local police to personally investigate. Chief Kingston said, “After we received an anonymous tip that ICE was spotted in Broken Springs, we were able to investigate and conclude that yes, they were indeed here.” Chief Kingston didn’t, however, know any more about the case. “Our investigation into their investigation is ongoing,” he said.
Then came the typical and customary Daniel Shame heroic story of the evening. This month’s our hero faced a battle he’d never had to face before and frankly he’s lucky to be alive.
It started routinely enough. Shame had pulled a car full of teenagers over for a missing lugnut on their rear left tire. When he approached the driver’s window, he noticed a bunch of the young men in the vehicle stuffing items of a suspicious nature into their pockets. He also noticed a distinctive burning leaves aroma coming out of the window. When Officer Shame asked them if they’d been smoking anything that evening, they all answered in the negative. But when they opened their mouths to say no, puffs of smoke floated out from between their lips. Suspecting that they were lying, Shame asked them all out onto the street. But as a precaution, he first wanted to write down all of their first and last names. He’d written down only the first name, Nicholas King... when he accidentally dropped this pen. As he bent down to get it, the driver dropped his car into drive, rolling over Shame’s knuckles. The brave officer yelled for the driver to “stop crushing my gosh darn hand!” And the driver immediately slammed on the brakes, unfortunately while the vehicle was still on top of Shame’s fingers.
With the officer unable to move, the stoned teenagers made a run for it. But because they were all too high to think clearly, they decided to drive away instead of fleeing on foot, thereby freeing the pinned Shame. As the car sped away, Officer Shame was able to grab hold of the extremely hot exhaust pipe with his good hand. However, he was unable to climb onto the trunk like they do in the movies - partly because of his injured hand and partly because he just isn’t that fit. He had no other choice but to hold on until the car stopped moving. Many times, Shame’s life passed before his eyes, especially since the left rear tire was missing a lugnut and quivering erratically. Luckily, the wayward juveniles ran out of fuel a block later because they’d used all their gas money on weed. Officer Shame was able to arrest the four boys on possession of marijuana, fleeing and eluding a police officer, and running over three curbs during their potential escape.
Councilwoman Curly Headed Sandy made a motion to buy Shame a ribbon or medal, or perhaps one of those plastic trophies that parents buy their short bus children for competing in the Special Olympics. Chief Kingston offered to pay out of pocket for something resembling a purple heart pin that Shame can wear with pride.
In old business, there was some boring policy talk that had I even been there, I wouldn’t have listened to. Broken Springs’s First Man, Stan Chaddwick was again reading the paper in the audience, and no doubt there were some whispers about the whereabouts of the back row troublemakers.
Ah, but we were there in spirit!
Meeting adjourned.
Amen.
(You can’t say that at Roseland council meetings)
The meeting was called to order at approximately 7:02, after a moment of silence for the victims of the September 11th terrorist attacks five years ago. Chairperson Ernie Hildecrust remarked that he cannot believe it’s been five years already and Mayor Jan Chaddwick replied with a very original and witty “Time flies” comment, being sure to forget to add, “when you’re having fun.”
Chief Kingston was draped in compliments from both the commission and blood related audience for bravely counseling emergency personnel at Ground Zero nearly five months after the attacks five years ago.
By the way, Jan Chaddwick was clad in a very stylish olive green button down sweater, complimented by a baby poop brown pair of elastic waist dress slacks. Chief Kingston was wearing, you guessed it, a collared shirt with a red, white, and blue eagle tie. But the eagle on tie wasn’t the only bald one in the room. Kingston’s tie clip shined nearly as much as the top of his head.
Last meeting’s minutes were approved and someone made the daring motion to pay this month’s bills in the amount of $358,923, plus tip.
The Chief’s report was given, and as usual, our Finest have been busier than roosters in a henhouse. Drunk driving arrests were up because they go up every month. Even a limo driver was pulled over for a DUI. Most of our officers were paid some sort of overtime this month, except for the reserves, including Rob Fishnet, whom we still haven’t offered full time employment to.
A special kudos goes out to officer Mort Allgay, who single-handedly dug out a fallen worker from a 14 foot trench at Hildecrust Holes subdivision. Chairman Ernie was sure to thank Chief Kingston and his entire department for saving him some huge workman’s compensation bills, not to mention a potential lawsuit from the accident prone victim.
Also this month, officers were called to the scene of an overturned pontoon boat on Chopin Lake. How the boat overturned is unclear but some suspect it had something to do with the waterskiers behind it. Apparently, even if pontoon boats are rigged with twin 120 hp outboards, they’re not meant to go full throttle. No one was hurt in the accident but they all were pretty embarrassed.
There was also some sort of immigration crackdown on Benjamin Street on the always dangerous east part of town. Local units were unaware until recently that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) was investigating one of Broken Springs’s own. But several witnesses of the “swat team” called local police to personally investigate. Chief Kingston said, “After we received an anonymous tip that ICE was spotted in Broken Springs, we were able to investigate and conclude that yes, they were indeed here.” Chief Kingston didn’t, however, know any more about the case. “Our investigation into their investigation is ongoing,” he said.
Then came the typical and customary Daniel Shame heroic story of the evening. This month’s our hero faced a battle he’d never had to face before and frankly he’s lucky to be alive.
It started routinely enough. Shame had pulled a car full of teenagers over for a missing lugnut on their rear left tire. When he approached the driver’s window, he noticed a bunch of the young men in the vehicle stuffing items of a suspicious nature into their pockets. He also noticed a distinctive burning leaves aroma coming out of the window. When Officer Shame asked them if they’d been smoking anything that evening, they all answered in the negative. But when they opened their mouths to say no, puffs of smoke floated out from between their lips. Suspecting that they were lying, Shame asked them all out onto the street. But as a precaution, he first wanted to write down all of their first and last names. He’d written down only the first name, Nicholas King... when he accidentally dropped this pen. As he bent down to get it, the driver dropped his car into drive, rolling over Shame’s knuckles. The brave officer yelled for the driver to “stop crushing my gosh darn hand!” And the driver immediately slammed on the brakes, unfortunately while the vehicle was still on top of Shame’s fingers.
With the officer unable to move, the stoned teenagers made a run for it. But because they were all too high to think clearly, they decided to drive away instead of fleeing on foot, thereby freeing the pinned Shame. As the car sped away, Officer Shame was able to grab hold of the extremely hot exhaust pipe with his good hand. However, he was unable to climb onto the trunk like they do in the movies - partly because of his injured hand and partly because he just isn’t that fit. He had no other choice but to hold on until the car stopped moving. Many times, Shame’s life passed before his eyes, especially since the left rear tire was missing a lugnut and quivering erratically. Luckily, the wayward juveniles ran out of fuel a block later because they’d used all their gas money on weed. Officer Shame was able to arrest the four boys on possession of marijuana, fleeing and eluding a police officer, and running over three curbs during their potential escape.
Councilwoman Curly Headed Sandy made a motion to buy Shame a ribbon or medal, or perhaps one of those plastic trophies that parents buy their short bus children for competing in the Special Olympics. Chief Kingston offered to pay out of pocket for something resembling a purple heart pin that Shame can wear with pride.
In old business, there was some boring policy talk that had I even been there, I wouldn’t have listened to. Broken Springs’s First Man, Stan Chaddwick was again reading the paper in the audience, and no doubt there were some whispers about the whereabouts of the back row troublemakers.
Ah, but we were there in spirit!
Meeting adjourned.
Amen.
(You can’t say that at Roseland council meetings)
Monday, August 28, 2006
BDSM PD?
Ethical questions arose Friday when Police Chief Jim Kingston was discovered stashing twelve pairs of old department handcuffs in the trunk of a personal vehicle. The handcuffs, he claimed, were to be donated to Goodwill but when News from Broken Springs called local stores none had received a donation from the BSPD.Rumors are afloat that the recently retired cuffs will meet their fate in Kingston’s bungalow basement, which neighbor say is decorated like a dungeon. And a look at the police budget raises spooky coincidences. Over the last fifteen years the Broken Springs Police Department has racked up an extraordinary bill for handcuffs, leather whips, and canine muzzles, almost three times the amount that our neighbors in Lincoln Township have spent. Another interesting tidbit is the specific purchase of five dog collars after the death of Durango, the K9 unit. When questioned about the unordinary high expenses, department clerk Mary McDonald said, “Better to have too many handcuffs than not enough.”
“Yes, but why is it necessary to keep a pair of cuffs in your bottom desk drawer?” we asked as she turned a lively shade of red.
“Those are there in the event of a terrorist attack,” she said.
As we tried to shake the image of Osama bin Laden cuffed to Ms. McDonald’s drawers, we questioned another potentially dangerous witness, Kingston’s own garbage man.
The Unreliable Refuse Technician (as he preferred to be called) assigned to Kingston’s home street for the last seven years insists that he’s often picked up boxes of rusty cuffs along with an assortment of gags, leather collars, and red rubber balls. “Oh, and a lot of loser scratch off tickets,” he added.
Some residents are shocked at these recent allegations yet many more insist that the accusations are only an attempt to smear an innocent man who annually gives to charity. One man who believes that is Kingston himself. He had the following comment to the press.
“There’s a certain faction in Broken Springs who’ll stop at nothing to disrespect officers of the law. They did it to Daniel Shame. And now they’re doing it to me. But that’s discrimination. Saying all cops are bad is like saying all n^&&*%$ like fried chicken. It’s simply not true. Some n^&&*%$ are vegetarians.”
Another Kingston defender is Mrs. Kingston, who despite gag strap sores on her mouth, couldn’t keep quiet about the morality of her loving husband. “He’s not into S&M. I doubt if he even knows what it is, or even how to spell it.”
“Does he ever tie you to the bedposts?” we asked.
“Only when he’s going fishing,” she said.
Whatever the reason Jim Kingston is hoarding handcuffs, at least we now know why his keychain is so heavy. Apparently he’s an avid fisherman. And as far as we’re concerned here at NFBS, it isn’t a crime to like a little bass every now and then.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hi and Lowlights from the Broken County Youth Fair
I’d like to say that NFBS hasn’t been updated much lately because last week was fair week and I was there every night. But that’d be a lie. I’ve just been lazy, concentrating too much on my pool game, which has failed me lately, so screw that. I’m back to writing.
Broken Springs doesn’t have much, but we do have the fair. In case you’re one of the many town residents who didn’t support our only local festival, here’s a little of what you missed.
There wasn’t a dull moment in the three inning massacre, er, I mean baseball game between the House of Daniel and the Possomtime Beauty Queens. The score was 22-1, in favor of God’s Chosen People. The Queen’s only run came in the third inning when Israelite Abraham Hershkowitz was distracted by Miss Eclaire’s bouncing breasts as she ran out a grounder. The first baseman, whose beliefs include celibacy and vegetarianism, hadn’t seen such a meaty sight since he was an infant in his mother’s bosom. A run scored on the error.
But the Queen’s lone run was not enough to spark a rally after a very disastrous second inning, when more Christians crossed the plate than were invited to Jesus‘s Last Supper. Unfortunately for the Queens not only did 17 runs score but Miss Pukanon also broke a nail on a bouncer up the middle. The inning ended when Miss Stevensburg caught a pop fly in her tiara. She was knocked out cold but still able to hold onto the ball. She was later rushed to the emergency room and discovered to have suffered no more brain damage than she already had as a blonde Possomtime Beauty Queen.
For those of you into the bondage of bull testicles, the Rodeo was Friday night. As George Carlin once said, whenever I see a rodeo, I can’t help but to root for the bull.
The Demolition Derby was Saturday night but in all honesty it was every day and night driving around Broken Springs, dealing with the crazy traffic. I was lucky. My airbag only went off twice and I locked my brakes up once.
The Enemies of Broken Springs did a fine job again this year with their KKKorn Dogs. Personally I had 6 and that was just on Monday. Their motto should be, “The best wiener you can buy for a buck twenty five.”
Unfortunately attendance was down again this year. Fair personnel blamed the rainstorm Friday night even though the weather held off until the fair was closed. Every year when attendance is down they blame the weather. Personally I think attendance was down because the fair sucked. But hey, it’s all Broken Springs has so what are you gonna do? It could be worse. We could be Benton Harlem.
Was there anything in the Commercial buildings besides churches and home improvement booths? That’s fine if you’re looking for energy efficient windows and salvation all at once. But what about the rest of the world?
As always, I enjoyed the animals much more than the people at the fair. The goats were my favorite, only because they make you seem like the animals. And like the carnivores that we are, I read that Dime Table and Century Steakhouse purchased one of the grand champion goats, I’m assuming for more than just lawn care. How anyone can eat a goat is beyond me. Just think of that poor little creature. A week of hell at the Broken County Youth Fair only to be executed later. It’d be more humane to reverse the order.
Our favorite BS Finest, Daniel Shame was running people down in a golf cart again. Take downs are easier on four wheels. And speaking of coppers, I was able to purchase (at a very reasonable five bucks) a pair of bona fide furry handcuffs. The boyfriend says he’s going to handcuff me to the kitchen sink until I do his dishes. But I have different plans, which I can’t reveal except to say that his tackle box will never be the same.
The Democratic tent fell victim, as usual, to Republican vandalism late Thursday night. But local Donkey Jess Minks caught one of the scoundrels and justice prevailed. The vandal was sent to the Blake Shelton concert as punishment.
Other than that, it was a pretty boring time at the Broken County Youth Fair, which only means one thing: we can’t wait till next year.
Broken Springs doesn’t have much, but we do have the fair. In case you’re one of the many town residents who didn’t support our only local festival, here’s a little of what you missed.
There wasn’t a dull moment in the three inning massacre, er, I mean baseball game between the House of Daniel and the Possomtime Beauty Queens. The score was 22-1, in favor of God’s Chosen People. The Queen’s only run came in the third inning when Israelite Abraham Hershkowitz was distracted by Miss Eclaire’s bouncing breasts as she ran out a grounder. The first baseman, whose beliefs include celibacy and vegetarianism, hadn’t seen such a meaty sight since he was an infant in his mother’s bosom. A run scored on the error.
But the Queen’s lone run was not enough to spark a rally after a very disastrous second inning, when more Christians crossed the plate than were invited to Jesus‘s Last Supper. Unfortunately for the Queens not only did 17 runs score but Miss Pukanon also broke a nail on a bouncer up the middle. The inning ended when Miss Stevensburg caught a pop fly in her tiara. She was knocked out cold but still able to hold onto the ball. She was later rushed to the emergency room and discovered to have suffered no more brain damage than she already had as a blonde Possomtime Beauty Queen.
For those of you into the bondage of bull testicles, the Rodeo was Friday night. As George Carlin once said, whenever I see a rodeo, I can’t help but to root for the bull.
The Demolition Derby was Saturday night but in all honesty it was every day and night driving around Broken Springs, dealing with the crazy traffic. I was lucky. My airbag only went off twice and I locked my brakes up once.
The Enemies of Broken Springs did a fine job again this year with their KKKorn Dogs. Personally I had 6 and that was just on Monday. Their motto should be, “The best wiener you can buy for a buck twenty five.”
Unfortunately attendance was down again this year. Fair personnel blamed the rainstorm Friday night even though the weather held off until the fair was closed. Every year when attendance is down they blame the weather. Personally I think attendance was down because the fair sucked. But hey, it’s all Broken Springs has so what are you gonna do? It could be worse. We could be Benton Harlem.
Was there anything in the Commercial buildings besides churches and home improvement booths? That’s fine if you’re looking for energy efficient windows and salvation all at once. But what about the rest of the world?
As always, I enjoyed the animals much more than the people at the fair. The goats were my favorite, only because they make you seem like the animals. And like the carnivores that we are, I read that Dime Table and Century Steakhouse purchased one of the grand champion goats, I’m assuming for more than just lawn care. How anyone can eat a goat is beyond me. Just think of that poor little creature. A week of hell at the Broken County Youth Fair only to be executed later. It’d be more humane to reverse the order.
Our favorite BS Finest, Daniel Shame was running people down in a golf cart again. Take downs are easier on four wheels. And speaking of coppers, I was able to purchase (at a very reasonable five bucks) a pair of bona fide furry handcuffs. The boyfriend says he’s going to handcuff me to the kitchen sink until I do his dishes. But I have different plans, which I can’t reveal except to say that his tackle box will never be the same.
The Democratic tent fell victim, as usual, to Republican vandalism late Thursday night. But local Donkey Jess Minks caught one of the scoundrels and justice prevailed. The vandal was sent to the Blake Shelton concert as punishment.
Other than that, it was a pretty boring time at the Broken County Youth Fair, which only means one thing: we can’t wait till next year.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Police Commission Meeting
You’d think by all the cars in the parking lot, the place would be packed. But apparently all those cars were from a party at the Weather Park next door. And according to a posting on the bulletin board outside the building, several Onoyoko Township board members were expected to arrive. But other than those on the Police Commission, none showed up. Perhaps they were at the party.
The commission, minus Attorney Amnesia playing hooky (at the party?), begins the meeting by looking over the bills. Jan Chaddwick makes a recommendation that they not pay for the sports page with public funds because someone may oppose sports and raise a stink. Chief Kingston said he’d check into it. This is just a hunch, but my guess is Chaddwick has never been much into sports other than Sumo wrestling.
Ernie Hildecrust publicly thanks everyone for passing the millage and Kingston follows suit, and then some. He says the businesses who supported the millage should be thanked as well because many of them were victims of threats from millage opponents. No, not real threats, of course. Just capitalistic bullying, the American way. Personally, threatening to take my business elsewhere has never been a tactic of mine. If I needed to stay at a seedy hotel, for example, I’d most likely stay at the Broken Springs Inn just to save the gas mileage on my car. But that’s just me.
There were threats of a different nature at the Methodical Church. Someone, apparently mistaking the Church for a local tavern, wrote obscenities and bomb threats on the bathroom walls. And several obtrusive glory holes needed to be covered with duct tape.
Our best pizza joint was also robbed last month. The burglars snuck in through a front window of the downtown business, in plain view. No word yet on whether the culprits are the same ones responsible for the robbery at Pizza Slut some years ago. But if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s this: if in doubt, hide the pepperoni.
Four juveniles were caught in a fight at the school. One child in particular had just gotten out of juvy and was anxious to go back. He’s one of our problem children, and you know what that means… someday we’ll be employing him as a police officer.
Mel Gibson’s not alone. There was an abundance of DUIs last month, particularly repeat offenders, some blowing as much as 30 on the blood alcohol test. I’m fairly certain that Kingston meant point thirty on the BAC test, because if someone blew a 30, they’d be a walking bottle of Budweiser, not to mention dead. I can’t help but wonder if any of the drunk drivers helped hang the Township maps on the wall behind the Commissioners as part of their community service. Ray Charles could‘ve hung them straighter.
One DUIer had the unfortunate experience to be arrested by Broken Springs Super Copper Daniel Shame. He was carrying a concealed weapon and a shotgun. The suspect, that is, not Shame. After he was tased twice by the Sheriff’s Department, his passenger got out of the vehicle quickly and obediently, mentioned the Chief. Was this a not so subtle foreshadowing for another taser discussion? Well, not only would tasers have been convenient in this case, but they would’ve been real fun to fire at three in the morning on the bypass. Why should the Sheriff’s Department get to have all the fun, anyway?
There was then a brief mention about Operation Raincoat, which apparently is some consolidated effort of ourselves and eight other agencies to find meteorologists guilty of welfare fraud.
And again, our Broken Springs Crazies have been causing havok. Officer Allgay needed a taser at an elderly home. And did we mention that several old ladies (and one old man) got their purses stolen at the Methodical Church?
No wonder Broken Springs is full of a bunch of Seventh Day Adventurers. It’s dangerous to be a Methodist.
The Commission then passed the NIMS resolution, which has something to do with shooting terrorists on sight. The Chief shows everyone exactly why he’s head of the department. His literacy is surprisingly good, if a bit monotone. You’d never be able to guess that he graduated from Broken Springs High.
Actually NIMS is the National Incident Management System, and has nothing to do with shooting terrorists. But that’s kinda boring, isn’t it?
At this point in the meeting, Curly Headed Sandy admits, not for the first time in her life, that she’s confused. Remember last month’s meeting when all of the policies drafted by the Attorney were discussed? No? Well neither does the rest of the commission. Sandy, meanwhile, had done all her homework and read the policies, making diligent notes in the margins. She was fully prepared to discuss these policies this meeting but Attorney Amnesia’s Absence prevented such a discussion. Chairman Hildecrust told everyone that they could forget about it next month again.
Bob Frugal asks some frugal questions about expenses, assuring that money isn’t being thrown down the drain any more than usual.
Then the floor gets handed over to Mayor Jan Chaddwick, who’d passed around a handout before the meeting. She intended to clarify the Village’s position on the possible *dissolution* of the police department, which she assured they are NOT worried about on the council. The packet included copies of the letter she sent Ernie, and his response, and a copy of the letter sent to her by the Township Clerk. She accused Debra Hate from the Herald Pollution of sensationalistic journalism because of the article that ran in the August 11th paper.
Basically it all boils down to this:
Because the Village Council is concerned about the future of the police department, they’ve requested, in the event that the department is *dissolved*, their share of the funds to establish their own department or contract the service out. But when it was made clear by Township Clerk Sue Frettin that any such transfer of current millage funds would be illegal, Mayor Chaddwick wishes to clarify that the Village is NOT asking for those funds after all. They’re merely asking that the department not be *dissolved.*
Got it? Get it. Good.
* Note: Dissolve is the Village’s word. As far as I’m aware, the Township formed the committee to research the administration of the department, possibly changing the makeup of the Police Commission itself and not the actual department.
Personally, if I were in charge of the makeup of the commission, I'd use less blush and more eye shadow. Maybe a lighter shade of lipstick as well.
A research committee member and possible mole, El Gordo Davis, happened to be in the audience of the meeting. He mentioned that he was outmanned (by two women and a boob) on many discussions in the meetings. But his concern was over the legality of taping the research committee’s meetings. Hildecrust played a Kingston, claiming ignorance on the matter, while Kingston’s better half (if there is such a thing), Cherry, believed that these meetings fall under the Open Meetings Act and should be open to being taped. Apparently the four person committee discusses too much for little Gordo to remember and repeat to his Village friends, proving that he needs to freshen up on his note taking skills before the committee begins meeting again. Maybe he ought to learn shorthand.
The meeting was adjourned at 7:32.
The commission, minus Attorney Amnesia playing hooky (at the party?), begins the meeting by looking over the bills. Jan Chaddwick makes a recommendation that they not pay for the sports page with public funds because someone may oppose sports and raise a stink. Chief Kingston said he’d check into it. This is just a hunch, but my guess is Chaddwick has never been much into sports other than Sumo wrestling.
Ernie Hildecrust publicly thanks everyone for passing the millage and Kingston follows suit, and then some. He says the businesses who supported the millage should be thanked as well because many of them were victims of threats from millage opponents. No, not real threats, of course. Just capitalistic bullying, the American way. Personally, threatening to take my business elsewhere has never been a tactic of mine. If I needed to stay at a seedy hotel, for example, I’d most likely stay at the Broken Springs Inn just to save the gas mileage on my car. But that’s just me.
There were threats of a different nature at the Methodical Church. Someone, apparently mistaking the Church for a local tavern, wrote obscenities and bomb threats on the bathroom walls. And several obtrusive glory holes needed to be covered with duct tape.
Our best pizza joint was also robbed last month. The burglars snuck in through a front window of the downtown business, in plain view. No word yet on whether the culprits are the same ones responsible for the robbery at Pizza Slut some years ago. But if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s this: if in doubt, hide the pepperoni.
Four juveniles were caught in a fight at the school. One child in particular had just gotten out of juvy and was anxious to go back. He’s one of our problem children, and you know what that means… someday we’ll be employing him as a police officer.
Mel Gibson’s not alone. There was an abundance of DUIs last month, particularly repeat offenders, some blowing as much as 30 on the blood alcohol test. I’m fairly certain that Kingston meant point thirty on the BAC test, because if someone blew a 30, they’d be a walking bottle of Budweiser, not to mention dead. I can’t help but wonder if any of the drunk drivers helped hang the Township maps on the wall behind the Commissioners as part of their community service. Ray Charles could‘ve hung them straighter.
One DUIer had the unfortunate experience to be arrested by Broken Springs Super Copper Daniel Shame. He was carrying a concealed weapon and a shotgun. The suspect, that is, not Shame. After he was tased twice by the Sheriff’s Department, his passenger got out of the vehicle quickly and obediently, mentioned the Chief. Was this a not so subtle foreshadowing for another taser discussion? Well, not only would tasers have been convenient in this case, but they would’ve been real fun to fire at three in the morning on the bypass. Why should the Sheriff’s Department get to have all the fun, anyway?
There was then a brief mention about Operation Raincoat, which apparently is some consolidated effort of ourselves and eight other agencies to find meteorologists guilty of welfare fraud.
And again, our Broken Springs Crazies have been causing havok. Officer Allgay needed a taser at an elderly home. And did we mention that several old ladies (and one old man) got their purses stolen at the Methodical Church?
No wonder Broken Springs is full of a bunch of Seventh Day Adventurers. It’s dangerous to be a Methodist.
The Commission then passed the NIMS resolution, which has something to do with shooting terrorists on sight. The Chief shows everyone exactly why he’s head of the department. His literacy is surprisingly good, if a bit monotone. You’d never be able to guess that he graduated from Broken Springs High.
Actually NIMS is the National Incident Management System, and has nothing to do with shooting terrorists. But that’s kinda boring, isn’t it?
At this point in the meeting, Curly Headed Sandy admits, not for the first time in her life, that she’s confused. Remember last month’s meeting when all of the policies drafted by the Attorney were discussed? No? Well neither does the rest of the commission. Sandy, meanwhile, had done all her homework and read the policies, making diligent notes in the margins. She was fully prepared to discuss these policies this meeting but Attorney Amnesia’s Absence prevented such a discussion. Chairman Hildecrust told everyone that they could forget about it next month again.
Bob Frugal asks some frugal questions about expenses, assuring that money isn’t being thrown down the drain any more than usual.
Then the floor gets handed over to Mayor Jan Chaddwick, who’d passed around a handout before the meeting. She intended to clarify the Village’s position on the possible *dissolution* of the police department, which she assured they are NOT worried about on the council. The packet included copies of the letter she sent Ernie, and his response, and a copy of the letter sent to her by the Township Clerk. She accused Debra Hate from the Herald Pollution of sensationalistic journalism because of the article that ran in the August 11th paper.
Basically it all boils down to this:
Because the Village Council is concerned about the future of the police department, they’ve requested, in the event that the department is *dissolved*, their share of the funds to establish their own department or contract the service out. But when it was made clear by Township Clerk Sue Frettin that any such transfer of current millage funds would be illegal, Mayor Chaddwick wishes to clarify that the Village is NOT asking for those funds after all. They’re merely asking that the department not be *dissolved.*
Got it? Get it. Good.
* Note: Dissolve is the Village’s word. As far as I’m aware, the Township formed the committee to research the administration of the department, possibly changing the makeup of the Police Commission itself and not the actual department.
Personally, if I were in charge of the makeup of the commission, I'd use less blush and more eye shadow. Maybe a lighter shade of lipstick as well.
A research committee member and possible mole, El Gordo Davis, happened to be in the audience of the meeting. He mentioned that he was outmanned (by two women and a boob) on many discussions in the meetings. But his concern was over the legality of taping the research committee’s meetings. Hildecrust played a Kingston, claiming ignorance on the matter, while Kingston’s better half (if there is such a thing), Cherry, believed that these meetings fall under the Open Meetings Act and should be open to being taped. Apparently the four person committee discusses too much for little Gordo to remember and repeat to his Village friends, proving that he needs to freshen up on his note taking skills before the committee begins meeting again. Maybe he ought to learn shorthand.
The meeting was adjourned at 7:32.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Millage Passes!
In other news, sky still blue, grass still green.
Broken Springs loves her cops. The top heavy staff of 7 full time and 4 reserve officers are again sighing in relief after the passing of the most recent millage renewal on Tuesday. Voters decided by almost a two to one margin to throw more tax dollars at the department this year, as they approved a four mill renewal of last year’s three mill plus one. Advocates emphasized that this year’s vote was only a renewal, not an increase, and over 600 local residents swallowed, hook, line, and sinker. In fact, the margin of victory was so overwhelming that police supporters immediately regretted not asking for 5 mills instead of four.
“Clearly, the citizens of Broken Springs realize good police coverage when they see it,” said Mayor Jan Chaddwick, celebrating with a triple dipped ice cream cone from McDonalds. “Next year, when we ask for another additional mill to offset our undisciplined spending out of our bare bones budget, we’re going to include a clause that guarantees increases in subsequent years, as a courtesy to the voter so they won’t have to be bothered by inconvenient elections. What better way to say thank you to Broken Springs?”
The police millage was never seriously in jeopardy, as primary opponents spent much of their free time opining on silly internet blogsites and drawing fake moustaches on pictures of village officials. Millage passings are a given in Broken Springs, unless they’re for the public school system.
NFBS called the police department for a comment on their victory but our calls were not returned by the time this article went to press. We can only assume that Broken Springs’s Finest have nabbed another bad check writer, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that our tax dollars are already hard at work.
Broken Springs loves her cops. The top heavy staff of 7 full time and 4 reserve officers are again sighing in relief after the passing of the most recent millage renewal on Tuesday. Voters decided by almost a two to one margin to throw more tax dollars at the department this year, as they approved a four mill renewal of last year’s three mill plus one. Advocates emphasized that this year’s vote was only a renewal, not an increase, and over 600 local residents swallowed, hook, line, and sinker. In fact, the margin of victory was so overwhelming that police supporters immediately regretted not asking for 5 mills instead of four.
“Clearly, the citizens of Broken Springs realize good police coverage when they see it,” said Mayor Jan Chaddwick, celebrating with a triple dipped ice cream cone from McDonalds. “Next year, when we ask for another additional mill to offset our undisciplined spending out of our bare bones budget, we’re going to include a clause that guarantees increases in subsequent years, as a courtesy to the voter so they won’t have to be bothered by inconvenient elections. What better way to say thank you to Broken Springs?”
The police millage was never seriously in jeopardy, as primary opponents spent much of their free time opining on silly internet blogsites and drawing fake moustaches on pictures of village officials. Millage passings are a given in Broken Springs, unless they’re for the public school system.
NFBS called the police department for a comment on their victory but our calls were not returned by the time this article went to press. We can only assume that Broken Springs’s Finest have nabbed another bad check writer, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that our tax dollars are already hard at work.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
Potent and Impotent
Despite the fact that in our last poll no one voted for Potent and Impotent as their favorite NFBS feature, that doesn’t mean we’ll quit writing it. No, dear reader, you shan’t get off that easy.
One might wonder, if so inclined to wonder about such boring things, why the one and only Broken Springs Satirical Online Rag (i.e. Us) has yet to run any articles on the upcoming police millage and local elections, scheduled for next Tuesday. It’s not that we don’t care about the outcomes of these votes. Quite the contrary. The police millage in particular will decide whether things will stay business as usual or whether the citizenry of Broken Springs will finally get some much needed tax relief. Oh sure, it’s only two hundred dollars for the average household, but that kind of money can gas up your SUV for a good two or three days. We predict that the millage will pass overwhelmingly, but that’s not the real question, is it? The real question is: should it?
The local print rag had a lot of whoppers this week, didn’t it? From the misnomer that without the passing of the millage we’ll be left in total anarchy with NO POLICE PROTECTION WHATSOEVER (except for those nice young men in brown and tan and those professional men in navy blue left out of the article) to a stunning endorsement of the millage from who other than a local cop… we’d like our seventy-five cents back please. But I guess one must be grateful for small treasures, such as the revelation that Broken Springs isn’t Mayberry. Of course we’re not Mayberry. We’re in color. Plus, Mayberry probably didn’t have as many bad checks.
On a side note, we at NFBS would like to propose a new BSPD motto: Protecting us from Bad Checks and Escaped Buffalo. Can anyone think up a jingle? Extra points if you include the rat snake.
The politics of personal destruction has reared its ugly head in the neighboring Broken Township. One side’s claiming their signs are being stolen (when in fact they’re really being abducted by aliens) and the other side is taking the stance that Litter and Debris pose a greater threat than Al Qaeda. It all makes me want to wander across the river for a meeting sometime and see what all the fuss is about. But I’ve been warned that the Supervisor wouldn’t welcome my presence very much. Who knows what the potential new Supervisor would think.
In state politics, one of Broken Springs’s own has decided to try to uproot the current incumbent, Neo Nitzi. Does he stand a chance? Well, I’m rooting for my hometown in this battle, at least in the primaries. After that, go Judy go. But as an evil Democrat, Judy Truesdell doesn’t have a snow cone’s chance in hell of winning. Sadly, there’s a better chance that an asteroid will hit the 78th District on election day. Given such options, I’m rooting for the asteroid.
Our local underrated community colleges also have a millage vote on the ballot. Given that the best years of my academic life were at Lake Michigan College, I strongly encourage people to support these millages. Community colleges are an excellent choice for someone not rich enough for a four year school, and I’d even go so far as to say the education itself is better. Governor Granholm , meanwhile, has a plan to make college a viable option for all. Are you listening, local candidates?
Mark your calendars for August 8th. Remember, if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.
One might wonder, if so inclined to wonder about such boring things, why the one and only Broken Springs Satirical Online Rag (i.e. Us) has yet to run any articles on the upcoming police millage and local elections, scheduled for next Tuesday. It’s not that we don’t care about the outcomes of these votes. Quite the contrary. The police millage in particular will decide whether things will stay business as usual or whether the citizenry of Broken Springs will finally get some much needed tax relief. Oh sure, it’s only two hundred dollars for the average household, but that kind of money can gas up your SUV for a good two or three days. We predict that the millage will pass overwhelmingly, but that’s not the real question, is it? The real question is: should it?
The local print rag had a lot of whoppers this week, didn’t it? From the misnomer that without the passing of the millage we’ll be left in total anarchy with NO POLICE PROTECTION WHATSOEVER (except for those nice young men in brown and tan and those professional men in navy blue left out of the article) to a stunning endorsement of the millage from who other than a local cop… we’d like our seventy-five cents back please. But I guess one must be grateful for small treasures, such as the revelation that Broken Springs isn’t Mayberry. Of course we’re not Mayberry. We’re in color. Plus, Mayberry probably didn’t have as many bad checks.
On a side note, we at NFBS would like to propose a new BSPD motto: Protecting us from Bad Checks and Escaped Buffalo. Can anyone think up a jingle? Extra points if you include the rat snake.
The politics of personal destruction has reared its ugly head in the neighboring Broken Township. One side’s claiming their signs are being stolen (when in fact they’re really being abducted by aliens) and the other side is taking the stance that Litter and Debris pose a greater threat than Al Qaeda. It all makes me want to wander across the river for a meeting sometime and see what all the fuss is about. But I’ve been warned that the Supervisor wouldn’t welcome my presence very much. Who knows what the potential new Supervisor would think.
In state politics, one of Broken Springs’s own has decided to try to uproot the current incumbent, Neo Nitzi. Does he stand a chance? Well, I’m rooting for my hometown in this battle, at least in the primaries. After that, go Judy go. But as an evil Democrat, Judy Truesdell doesn’t have a snow cone’s chance in hell of winning. Sadly, there’s a better chance that an asteroid will hit the 78th District on election day. Given such options, I’m rooting for the asteroid.
Our local underrated community colleges also have a millage vote on the ballot. Given that the best years of my academic life were at Lake Michigan College, I strongly encourage people to support these millages. Community colleges are an excellent choice for someone not rich enough for a four year school, and I’d even go so far as to say the education itself is better. Governor Granholm , meanwhile, has a plan to make college a viable option for all. Are you listening, local candidates?
Mark your calendars for August 8th. Remember, if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Campaign Signs Violate Blight Ordinance
Broken Springs Village Council decided Monday night to include certain campaign signs in residents front yards in the current blight ordinance that protects us from the threat of litter and debris. The move is a controversial one however because not all campaign signs are treated equal. Namely, the signs of Village President Jan Chaddwick and her slate of political incumbents are not to be considered blight while those of any potential opponents are deemed “the most offensive blight known to humankind,” according to the meeting minutes of Village Clerk Cherry Pickens-Kingston. Those signs violating the ordinance are to be dealt with “quietly and immediately,” according to the policy.
“This is a special provision for our quaint little village,” commented Chaddwick after the meeting. “For too long we in Broken Springs have had to suffer the ugly expression of democracy, from critical bloggers to the distribution of opposing political candidacies. Now we’ll be able to see democracy for the beautiful thing that it is, in this case a 'Re-elect Jan Chaddwick for Mayor' yard sign.” Her eyes glinted as she held up a pink, white, and blue campaign sign with her name spelled out in roses. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to celebrate my future victory with a 12 piece bucket from KFC.” She almost skipped away from the meeting.
Litter and Debris Officer and part time midget playboy Daniel Shame also applauded the move, granting the council members the foresight to predict an ugly campaign by Chaddwick opponents. “These people will do anything to get attention including plastering the lawns of ordinary citizens. It’s shameful, really. Broken Springs residents should realize that their yards are not billboards.” With that, Shame stepped up into his Ford Bronco, covered with confederate flag and Nascar bumper stickers, and sped away.
Those opposing Chaddwick and her slate of politicians could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing their bags for a town with more people than cows.
“This is a special provision for our quaint little village,” commented Chaddwick after the meeting. “For too long we in Broken Springs have had to suffer the ugly expression of democracy, from critical bloggers to the distribution of opposing political candidacies. Now we’ll be able to see democracy for the beautiful thing that it is, in this case a 'Re-elect Jan Chaddwick for Mayor' yard sign.” Her eyes glinted as she held up a pink, white, and blue campaign sign with her name spelled out in roses. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to celebrate my future victory with a 12 piece bucket from KFC.” She almost skipped away from the meeting.Litter and Debris Officer and part time midget playboy Daniel Shame also applauded the move, granting the council members the foresight to predict an ugly campaign by Chaddwick opponents. “These people will do anything to get attention including plastering the lawns of ordinary citizens. It’s shameful, really. Broken Springs residents should realize that their yards are not billboards.” With that, Shame stepped up into his Ford Bronco, covered with confederate flag and Nascar bumper stickers, and sped away.
Those opposing Chaddwick and her slate of politicians could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing their bags for a town with more people than cows.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Bank Robbed at Squirt Gun Point
Three Fifths Bank was robbed early Friday afternoon by a man wielding a loaded squirt gun and a backpack he claimed was filled with several gallons of extra ammunition. The suspect, who fled the scene with $12,000 and a handful of complimentary lollipops, was caught on the bank’s surveillance camera and an APB has been put out for his arrest.
The robbery caught everyone by surprise, including the bank’s gardener, who was busy watering inside plants when the suspect arrived. “When I saw the squirt gun, I figured he was just another town loony on a hot day. But when he opened fire on my begonia I took offense. ‘I just watered her,’ I told him. ‘Any more water could hurt her.’ That was when he took the flower, pot and all, in his arms and approached the desk.”
According to other witnesses on the scene, the suspect set the flower pot on the counter, pointed his large squirt gun at it and said to the bank clerk, “Hand over all the money or the begonia gets it.”
It wasn’t long before the robber noticed a more fruitful target, however. Every Friday is Casual Dress Day at Three Fifths and bank employee Pam Hucklebee was sporting a tight fitting white tee shirt. The suspect’s new targets were both staring him directly in the face.
“All of a sudden his eyes got as big as watermelons,” remembered a towel draped and terror stricken Hucklebee. “He told me that in addition to all of our money, he also wanted to open a free checking account. When the manager refused him a free checking account, the robber opened fire and all hell broke loose.”
Broken Springs Police were the first law enforcement agency to arrive at the scene, and the robber had already hit several innocent targets by then, including Hucklebee’s nervously heaving torso. Daniel Shame drew his weapon on the bandit but had to drop his revolver when he was struck by a stream of water in the shoulder. He quickly retreated to his squad car for a life saving towel. Backup officers who’d cut their lunch short from Subweigh were of little assistance in capturing the water bandit as he sped away on his bicycle. Chief Kingston explained how the suspect escaped.
“By the time we arrived, Officer Shame was already down. The armed and dangerous bank robber was already on his getaway vehicle. We chased him on foot for several blocks but when he got too far away, all we could do was try to shoot out his tires. Have you ever tried to shoot out the tires on a moving bicycle? It’s no easy task,” said the beleaguered Chief, who walked back to his car with a noticeable limp.
At the end of the day, Three Fifths Bank suffered the loss of $12,143.66 and an undetermined number of lollipops. Three ceiling tiles ended up with water damage, and six employees either need to buy darker colored tee shirts or begin wearing brassieres.
Meanwhile, the begonia has fully recovered.
The robbery caught everyone by surprise, including the bank’s gardener, who was busy watering inside plants when the suspect arrived. “When I saw the squirt gun, I figured he was just another town loony on a hot day. But when he opened fire on my begonia I took offense. ‘I just watered her,’ I told him. ‘Any more water could hurt her.’ That was when he took the flower, pot and all, in his arms and approached the desk.”
According to other witnesses on the scene, the suspect set the flower pot on the counter, pointed his large squirt gun at it and said to the bank clerk, “Hand over all the money or the begonia gets it.”
It wasn’t long before the robber noticed a more fruitful target, however. Every Friday is Casual Dress Day at Three Fifths and bank employee Pam Hucklebee was sporting a tight fitting white tee shirt. The suspect’s new targets were both staring him directly in the face.
“All of a sudden his eyes got as big as watermelons,” remembered a towel draped and terror stricken Hucklebee. “He told me that in addition to all of our money, he also wanted to open a free checking account. When the manager refused him a free checking account, the robber opened fire and all hell broke loose.”
Broken Springs Police were the first law enforcement agency to arrive at the scene, and the robber had already hit several innocent targets by then, including Hucklebee’s nervously heaving torso. Daniel Shame drew his weapon on the bandit but had to drop his revolver when he was struck by a stream of water in the shoulder. He quickly retreated to his squad car for a life saving towel. Backup officers who’d cut their lunch short from Subweigh were of little assistance in capturing the water bandit as he sped away on his bicycle. Chief Kingston explained how the suspect escaped.
“By the time we arrived, Officer Shame was already down. The armed and dangerous bank robber was already on his getaway vehicle. We chased him on foot for several blocks but when he got too far away, all we could do was try to shoot out his tires. Have you ever tried to shoot out the tires on a moving bicycle? It’s no easy task,” said the beleaguered Chief, who walked back to his car with a noticeable limp.
At the end of the day, Three Fifths Bank suffered the loss of $12,143.66 and an undetermined number of lollipops. Three ceiling tiles ended up with water damage, and six employees either need to buy darker colored tee shirts or begin wearing brassieres.
Meanwhile, the begonia has fully recovered.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Police Commission Meeting
Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarswatchoutforthesnake, Phil Ruse, and I are all unfashionably early, unlike Attorney Amnesia who arrives a very stylish five minutes late. Before the meeting starts, Little Napoleon, aka Papa Smurf tries making a move on Gary Fishnet in the audience. Several “Brokenback Springs” jokes occur which make me nostalgic for that short story I never finished.
Once everyone has sat down and had a few jolly homophobic laughs, well nothing happens really. Ernie Hildecrust explains that he’s waiting for the Attorney, who apparently got caught in the terrible Broken Springs traffic.
During this down time, I’m left to wonder…
Will he or won’t he? That is the question.
Will Ernie Hildecrust break to local pressure to apologize for the insulting gas on the honor system comment or will he pass on the gas issue? Only time would tell.
The meeting starts before the attorney arrives. Last meeting’s minutes are accepted (insult and all). I was surprised a retraction wasn’t requested.
The Commission received a $7,000 fuel bill from the LSD school district. Curly Headed Sandy replies that the situation was out of anyone’s control. At the risk of being struck by lightning, I must agree with Sandy. LSD privatized and Laidlow had everyone bent over, trousers down. I just hope those schmucks in St. Hoe don’t make the same privatization mistake with their custodians.
In the Chief’s Report, he makes note that the force has been busier than usual. He says as much every month and at this rate we’ll need to triple the workforce by next year, just to keep up with standard activity. Of course, it doesn’t help that everyone’s allowed to take their vacation at the same time.
In old business, Chief Kingston publicly thanks Ernie for getting gas, noting how convenient it is to have gas so close by. Ernie doesn’t take this opportunity to publicly apologize for implying last month that Kingston’s Kops might swipe company fuel for their own personal vehicles.
Rob Fishnet is in the audience, two chairs down from yours truly and I’m not sucking up or anything but he’s definitely the cutest cop we have serving and protecting. Your own Shallow Throat knows Fishnet’s parents as well, and let it be said that he might be one of the good ones.
What follows is about an hour’s worth of very boring policy discussion. The attorney had drafted up three policies: Unexpected Expenses, Travel and Education Expenses, and a Donation Policy.
I admit for the majority of the discussion I was busy trying to read Stan Chaddwick’s newspaper over his shoulder, but I did pick up on a couple notable tidbits:
As a culture, we’re too hooked on Walmart and Sam’s Club.
Jan Chaddwick loves (loves loves) Mapquest.
Broken Springs Teacher’s Credit Union is having a hot dog fundraiser on the 14th.
And the Commission is scared to death to bring up tasers in any way, shape, or form.
Concerning the Donation Policy, most everyone agrees that to accept a donation for tanks would be a bad idea. In fact, it’s unacceptable to accept a donation for any item that isn’t already pre-approved by the commission (read: Tasers a year and a half ago). Nobody, except for Heath Ledger in the audience, dares mention tasers because they know doing so a month before the millage election would be tasing themselves in the foot. (Note to Mr. Ledger: the Taser money went to computers.)
Note to self: Tear up $50 check for elevator shoes.
The question raised on the donated money issue goes something like, “Is it better to accept donations, then figure out if it can be used, or vice versa?” Kingston has an interesting philosophy on the taking of solicited cash. He said, “It’s always wiser to grab the money.” Given his reputation for toting around cash filled briefcases, this quote should come as no surprise to anyone.
Mayor Jan Chaddwick seems to think that if an officer receiving donations tells the donator that he’ll bring the issue to the Chief (who in turn brings it to the Commission) people would be more likely to donate than if the officer says he will bring it straight to the Commission. Personally, unless the donation is for scratch off tickets from Speedway, I’d argue the opposite. But that’s just me.
For homework, Professor Hildecrust assigns reading over these three policy issues in order to discuss them more next month.
In new business, Jim Kingston thanks the Commission for sending him on a good conference about tobacco smuggling, employee discipline, and terrorism. Kingston doesn’t offer any evidence that he learned anything from this conference but he wanted everyone to know he had a good time. I didn’t even know they held police conferences in Atlantic City.
July 4th went well, and the cops directing traffic before and after the 30 minute parade did a particularly splendid job. We’re also pleased to report that the fireworks caused no major damage to the barn they mistakenly set on fire. But Mr. Tinkler’s horses are now all bald.
There have been several unsolved cases of vandalism by local kids (with nothing better to do) in the Kripple, Crass, and Pitchfork road area. Car windows have been busted, cars have been keyed, and valuable items have been stolen from the backseats of vehicles parked around the area. Not since the mass virginity theft of the 60s have there been so many backseat crimes in Broken Springs. Ernie Hildecrust just hopes that the kids get what they have coming and once caught they won’t get off.
On a related note, a Broken Springs resident requested the help of officers in the removal of a two foot snake from his house. Since the snake was not a buffalo, the Broken Springs cops decided to spare its life. Love Greek Nature Center took in the slithery suspect and learned that he too was just a juvenile, and an endangered juvy at that. It was a baby rat snake whose parents are known to reach 6-7 feet in length. So beware, all of you Fluff area residents. Don’t ask to borrow your neighbor’s new water hose.
At this time I’d like to personally thank the Broken Springs Police for not shooting the snake.
Happy five year anniversary to Officer Tweed. You’ve got the fabric of a fine officer, unlike that Officer Nylon. He’s so cold and impersonal.
Now the fun begins…
With boring policy, conference, and snake discussions out of the way, the Commission can now turn their attention to Sue Frettin’s presentation on the Auto Mark machine, a $6,700 glorified printer that helps enable handicapped people to vote. After demonstrating how the unit works, she invites the entire commission to use it during the next election.
Then she takes the opportunity to go over Election Law 101, which includes such rules as:
Once the polls open, no squad car or officer can come within 100 feet of a poling precinct. The obvious exceptions are if there is a crime being committed or if an on duty officer is casting his vote.
Also, she discourages the cops from stopping to converse with demonstrators. No police radios should be used and generally no use of public funded items can be used to tell or intimidate people on how to vote. Kingston takes issue with this rule, insisting that it’s the cops job to check out the demonstrators to see if anything is going on. Frettin disagrees and says there’s no cause for the officers to stop and if there is cause, the cops will be requested. Kingston wisely, perhaps because he knows he’s wrong, lets the issue rests as he turns a colorful shade of purple for the rest of the meeting. The smoke from his ears nearly sets off the fire alarm.
After the meeting, he’s still irate enough to approach the other editor in the room and insist that Frettin’ has no right to tell him officers can’t stop and talk to demonstrators. Is it healthy for a Chief of Police to have such contempt for the rule of law, even if it is only election law? Is democracy that much of an inconvenience? I apologize for not lightening the mood with a joke but some things are no laughing matter.
The Hero of the Night is Sue Frettin. Rock on and stick to your guns, girl!
Once everyone has sat down and had a few jolly homophobic laughs, well nothing happens really. Ernie Hildecrust explains that he’s waiting for the Attorney, who apparently got caught in the terrible Broken Springs traffic.
During this down time, I’m left to wonder…
Will he or won’t he? That is the question.
Will Ernie Hildecrust break to local pressure to apologize for the insulting gas on the honor system comment or will he pass on the gas issue? Only time would tell.
The meeting starts before the attorney arrives. Last meeting’s minutes are accepted (insult and all). I was surprised a retraction wasn’t requested.
The Commission received a $7,000 fuel bill from the LSD school district. Curly Headed Sandy replies that the situation was out of anyone’s control. At the risk of being struck by lightning, I must agree with Sandy. LSD privatized and Laidlow had everyone bent over, trousers down. I just hope those schmucks in St. Hoe don’t make the same privatization mistake with their custodians.
In the Chief’s Report, he makes note that the force has been busier than usual. He says as much every month and at this rate we’ll need to triple the workforce by next year, just to keep up with standard activity. Of course, it doesn’t help that everyone’s allowed to take their vacation at the same time.
In old business, Chief Kingston publicly thanks Ernie for getting gas, noting how convenient it is to have gas so close by. Ernie doesn’t take this opportunity to publicly apologize for implying last month that Kingston’s Kops might swipe company fuel for their own personal vehicles.
Rob Fishnet is in the audience, two chairs down from yours truly and I’m not sucking up or anything but he’s definitely the cutest cop we have serving and protecting. Your own Shallow Throat knows Fishnet’s parents as well, and let it be said that he might be one of the good ones.
What follows is about an hour’s worth of very boring policy discussion. The attorney had drafted up three policies: Unexpected Expenses, Travel and Education Expenses, and a Donation Policy.
I admit for the majority of the discussion I was busy trying to read Stan Chaddwick’s newspaper over his shoulder, but I did pick up on a couple notable tidbits:
As a culture, we’re too hooked on Walmart and Sam’s Club.
Jan Chaddwick loves (loves loves) Mapquest.
Broken Springs Teacher’s Credit Union is having a hot dog fundraiser on the 14th.
And the Commission is scared to death to bring up tasers in any way, shape, or form.
Concerning the Donation Policy, most everyone agrees that to accept a donation for tanks would be a bad idea. In fact, it’s unacceptable to accept a donation for any item that isn’t already pre-approved by the commission (read: Tasers a year and a half ago). Nobody, except for Heath Ledger in the audience, dares mention tasers because they know doing so a month before the millage election would be tasing themselves in the foot. (Note to Mr. Ledger: the Taser money went to computers.)
Note to self: Tear up $50 check for elevator shoes.
The question raised on the donated money issue goes something like, “Is it better to accept donations, then figure out if it can be used, or vice versa?” Kingston has an interesting philosophy on the taking of solicited cash. He said, “It’s always wiser to grab the money.” Given his reputation for toting around cash filled briefcases, this quote should come as no surprise to anyone.
Mayor Jan Chaddwick seems to think that if an officer receiving donations tells the donator that he’ll bring the issue to the Chief (who in turn brings it to the Commission) people would be more likely to donate than if the officer says he will bring it straight to the Commission. Personally, unless the donation is for scratch off tickets from Speedway, I’d argue the opposite. But that’s just me.
For homework, Professor Hildecrust assigns reading over these three policy issues in order to discuss them more next month.
In new business, Jim Kingston thanks the Commission for sending him on a good conference about tobacco smuggling, employee discipline, and terrorism. Kingston doesn’t offer any evidence that he learned anything from this conference but he wanted everyone to know he had a good time. I didn’t even know they held police conferences in Atlantic City.
July 4th went well, and the cops directing traffic before and after the 30 minute parade did a particularly splendid job. We’re also pleased to report that the fireworks caused no major damage to the barn they mistakenly set on fire. But Mr. Tinkler’s horses are now all bald.
There have been several unsolved cases of vandalism by local kids (with nothing better to do) in the Kripple, Crass, and Pitchfork road area. Car windows have been busted, cars have been keyed, and valuable items have been stolen from the backseats of vehicles parked around the area. Not since the mass virginity theft of the 60s have there been so many backseat crimes in Broken Springs. Ernie Hildecrust just hopes that the kids get what they have coming and once caught they won’t get off.
On a related note, a Broken Springs resident requested the help of officers in the removal of a two foot snake from his house. Since the snake was not a buffalo, the Broken Springs cops decided to spare its life. Love Greek Nature Center took in the slithery suspect and learned that he too was just a juvenile, and an endangered juvy at that. It was a baby rat snake whose parents are known to reach 6-7 feet in length. So beware, all of you Fluff area residents. Don’t ask to borrow your neighbor’s new water hose.
At this time I’d like to personally thank the Broken Springs Police for not shooting the snake.
Happy five year anniversary to Officer Tweed. You’ve got the fabric of a fine officer, unlike that Officer Nylon. He’s so cold and impersonal.
Now the fun begins…
With boring policy, conference, and snake discussions out of the way, the Commission can now turn their attention to Sue Frettin’s presentation on the Auto Mark machine, a $6,700 glorified printer that helps enable handicapped people to vote. After demonstrating how the unit works, she invites the entire commission to use it during the next election.
Then she takes the opportunity to go over Election Law 101, which includes such rules as:
Once the polls open, no squad car or officer can come within 100 feet of a poling precinct. The obvious exceptions are if there is a crime being committed or if an on duty officer is casting his vote.
Also, she discourages the cops from stopping to converse with demonstrators. No police radios should be used and generally no use of public funded items can be used to tell or intimidate people on how to vote. Kingston takes issue with this rule, insisting that it’s the cops job to check out the demonstrators to see if anything is going on. Frettin disagrees and says there’s no cause for the officers to stop and if there is cause, the cops will be requested. Kingston wisely, perhaps because he knows he’s wrong, lets the issue rests as he turns a colorful shade of purple for the rest of the meeting. The smoke from his ears nearly sets off the fire alarm.
After the meeting, he’s still irate enough to approach the other editor in the room and insist that Frettin’ has no right to tell him officers can’t stop and talk to demonstrators. Is it healthy for a Chief of Police to have such contempt for the rule of law, even if it is only election law? Is democracy that much of an inconvenience? I apologize for not lightening the mood with a joke but some things are no laughing matter.
The Hero of the Night is Sue Frettin. Rock on and stick to your guns, girl!
Monday, July 03, 2006
Broken Springs Village Council Repeals Free Speech
In a not-so-shocking 6-0 vote, the Broken Springs Village Council passed an ordinance repealing “certain distasteful segments of the First Amendment,” according to Broken Springs Village President-for-Life Jan Chaddwick.
“We couldn’t intimidate Troublemaker Boob, Mrs. Didyaseedat, or that Throat character into reason, and Boob is still gushing his blatantly anti-Chaddwick/Kingston propaganda, so we’ve decided to take a necessary step toward creating the kind of harmony between our two governments that Mr. Brokencan called for,” stated Jan Chaddwick in an exclusive with NFBS. “And this type of emergency measure, drastic as it may sound, is what we believe to be a necessity for restoring order.”
Specifically, the ordinance repeals the last three sentences contained in the First Amendment for the “common citizenry” of Broken Springs: “[Congress shall pass no law]…abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
Just exactly who is defined as “common citizenry” will be left up to Broken Springs Village Clerk Shady Kingston, according to the ordinance.
“Mrs. Kingston has performed her duties as Village Clerk down to the letter of her job description which, coincidentally, is exactly how I see things,” stated Chaddwick, “and she has, in the past, interpreted Statutes to meet our standard of governing. Matter of fact, if Troublemaker Boob hadn’t abused the First Amendment in the first place, that 'Vote Yes' Police Millage sign would still be in place for this year’s vote, and we wouldn’t have to pay some flunky…sorry, I meant dedicated Village employee…his usual $6.50 an hour to replace the 'Respect for Law Month' wording."
When queried as to the potential selective enforcement of this ordinance, Chaddwick stated, “Well, take a look at Oil Brokencan, for example. He has shown uncommon intellect in his public commentaries; matter of fact, he is the perfect example of 'uncommon citizenry' in our community. The fact that he is the father of our esteemed Village Clerk, as well as the father-in-law of the Police Chief is inconsequential.”
Chaddwick continued, “On the other hand, we feel that Boob and his ilk are very common and, therefore, fit into the definition of our new ordinance quite nicely. We are, once again, setting up our ‘re-education camps’ out at Peckerwood Inn for people like him, who continue to mock and catcall our performance despite our best attempts to unify both governing bodies with reason.”
When questioned about the legality of the Council’s action, Chaddwick laughed so heartily that jelly donut crumbs fell out of the folds of her blouse. She stated, “I’m confident that this will withstand any scrutiny; I’m certain that our County Prosecutor will agree with us; matter of fact, Police Chief Kingston and him have an ‘understanding’ that transcends any potential misstep on our part.”
Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman, contacted at home, said that “Anything that benefits order is fine with me, as long as it's citizens that bear the brunt of it." We asked him to elaborate, but he stated that he had to hang up, on account of his wife having balance problems (something about “missing steps” and a “program” that she’s involved with).
Chaddwick, when given Hyman’s statement, laughed and said “I knew that, once again, we could count on his support”.
Fortunately, NFBS is published in Onoyoko Township and, as such, is not subject to this new ordinance; however, Chaddwick grinned like she had just found a new box of Krispy Kremes and said, “We’re working on Mr. Hildecrust,” whatever that means.
*NFBS wishes to thank a Mr. Otto Titsling for this delicious dirt.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
NFBS's Crime of the Week
By: Choclate Thunda Forever Baby!!!!!
This week's Crime of the Week comes from the files of the Broken Springs Police and Fire Departments. On the week of May 29, 2006, officers were called to the residence of the Broken Springs Police and Fire Department on a report of a larceny of gas. Upon arrival, fellow officers were observed pumping a substance of an undetermined nature (later discovered to be Regular Unleaded Gasoline with an octane rating of 82, just another way Onoyoko Township tries to save a buck) into their patrol cars. Upon further investigation, it was determined that the subjects involved were concluding their patrol shifts and attempting to turn over a properly fueled squad car to the next officer on duty. Once the caller of the complaint was contacted, a Mr. Hildecrust, we were advised that those pesky police officers and fire fighters were stealing fuel “right from under our big red noses” and placing it into their personal vehicles. After several attempts to reason with the caller, trying to explain that the cars he saw were patrol vehicles at the end of their shift, we realized that the real larceny here has occurred in Mr. Hildecrust‘s cranial department over the course of the past several years, or however long he‘s been in public service. Hildecrust later denied making the call, despite the recorded tape of the conversation.
NFBS is requesting the aid of any intelligent persons in Broken Springs (three digit IQs please). If any such people are found, please convince them to run for township and village office. You may leave prospective candidates names and phone numbers at this website’s e-mail address. If you cannot remember their phone number, please copy it off the bathroom wall of the nearest bar.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Hildecrust’s remark clearly meant for fly on wall
Dear Editor,
I’d like to take a minute out of your busy lives spent gossiping about your neighbor’s prolific love life to clear up a misunderstanding created by none other than the infamous Troublemaker Boob of Onoyoko Township (the Village of Broken Springs disowned him years ago). He foolishly submitted a letter to the editor of the Herald Republican in which he deliberately spoke for Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust, Village Mayor Jan Chaddwick, and her wife, Stan. All three people, last time I had my head down their mouths, have in their possession very capable tongues, enabling them all to speak for themselves. Well except for that one time when the Mayor managed to lodge her own foot in her mouth, but I promised her I’d never talk about that.
Mr. Hildecrust told me personally, after he was finished eating his dinner of fried crow and frog legs, that Mr. Boob didn’t have permission to speak for him. In fact, Mr. Supervisor, after he was done licking my family’s heels for dessert, told me specifically, “If anyone’s gonna put words in my mouth, I insist it be you, Oil.” As for the “honor system” comment he made at the police commission meeting last month, Mr. Hildecrust made it very clear that he was directing his remark not to our fair and well meaning police chief, but to a fly on the wall in the corner of the room. Any inference that his comment was directed at Chief Kingston is grossly misguided and very likely perpetuated by that evil gang of fools with personal vendettas that live scarcely in our otherwise perfect community.
We owe a debt of gratitude to Jan and Stan Chaddwick, who both do a job that nobody else wants but everyone wants to criticize. There is no law that prevents a husband wife duo to lead a small village. If there was, do you really think we would’ve allowed Bill and Hillary to run America last decade? But unlike Bill and Hillary, Jan and Stan are dignified folk with a strong moral backbone. Jan, in particular, must have the strongest backbone of anyone I know. Their comments about Mr. Hildecrust’s remarks were justified because, as I understand it, the majority of the audience was stunned when they heard what was said. I wasn’t actually at the meeting (penny poker night with the Masons) but I heard that once the laughing stopped, the audience was quite flabbergasted… more stunned even than when Phil Ruse cut the cheese in the middle of the Chief’s Report. Because it wasn’t made obvious to the crowd that his comment was aimed at the random fly on the wall in the back of the room, I think Mr. Hildecrust owes the police department (not to mention the poor fly) a sincere apology, and fifty dollars. Our fair minded and completely sane Police Chief, showing his maturity, handled the situation with utmost respect. His response of “That goes without saying” clearly implies that he too thought the comment was directed at he and his fine force of burly young men who defend Broken Springs from Terrorists and Mexicans.
But we all must forgive poor Mr. Hildecrust, as he’s getting up there in age and probably doesn’t realize what he’s saying most of the time (unlike me, who’s sharper than that ginsu knife you ordered off QVC one night after you got drunk watching Bruce Lee movies). Mr. Robert Boob, however, should never be forgiven for his deliberate attempts to publish his illogical opinions with the intent to hurt someone everyone else loves and honors. What does that Boob think this is, America?! He will more than likely print that my semen resulted in the birth of the Police Chief’s wife and for that I could not be prouder. If only Mr. Boob took the time to get to know my sperm in law (outside of reading about him in state investigation reports) he’d discover him to be a valiant and superb human being unmatched by any in our small town. A majority in the community already know that he’s better than the rest of us and we aren’t ashamed to admit it.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Oil Brokencan
I’d like to take a minute out of your busy lives spent gossiping about your neighbor’s prolific love life to clear up a misunderstanding created by none other than the infamous Troublemaker Boob of Onoyoko Township (the Village of Broken Springs disowned him years ago). He foolishly submitted a letter to the editor of the Herald Republican in which he deliberately spoke for Township Supervisor Ernie Hildecrust, Village Mayor Jan Chaddwick, and her wife, Stan. All three people, last time I had my head down their mouths, have in their possession very capable tongues, enabling them all to speak for themselves. Well except for that one time when the Mayor managed to lodge her own foot in her mouth, but I promised her I’d never talk about that.
Mr. Hildecrust told me personally, after he was finished eating his dinner of fried crow and frog legs, that Mr. Boob didn’t have permission to speak for him. In fact, Mr. Supervisor, after he was done licking my family’s heels for dessert, told me specifically, “If anyone’s gonna put words in my mouth, I insist it be you, Oil.” As for the “honor system” comment he made at the police commission meeting last month, Mr. Hildecrust made it very clear that he was directing his remark not to our fair and well meaning police chief, but to a fly on the wall in the corner of the room. Any inference that his comment was directed at Chief Kingston is grossly misguided and very likely perpetuated by that evil gang of fools with personal vendettas that live scarcely in our otherwise perfect community.
We owe a debt of gratitude to Jan and Stan Chaddwick, who both do a job that nobody else wants but everyone wants to criticize. There is no law that prevents a husband wife duo to lead a small village. If there was, do you really think we would’ve allowed Bill and Hillary to run America last decade? But unlike Bill and Hillary, Jan and Stan are dignified folk with a strong moral backbone. Jan, in particular, must have the strongest backbone of anyone I know. Their comments about Mr. Hildecrust’s remarks were justified because, as I understand it, the majority of the audience was stunned when they heard what was said. I wasn’t actually at the meeting (penny poker night with the Masons) but I heard that once the laughing stopped, the audience was quite flabbergasted… more stunned even than when Phil Ruse cut the cheese in the middle of the Chief’s Report. Because it wasn’t made obvious to the crowd that his comment was aimed at the random fly on the wall in the back of the room, I think Mr. Hildecrust owes the police department (not to mention the poor fly) a sincere apology, and fifty dollars. Our fair minded and completely sane Police Chief, showing his maturity, handled the situation with utmost respect. His response of “That goes without saying” clearly implies that he too thought the comment was directed at he and his fine force of burly young men who defend Broken Springs from Terrorists and Mexicans.
But we all must forgive poor Mr. Hildecrust, as he’s getting up there in age and probably doesn’t realize what he’s saying most of the time (unlike me, who’s sharper than that ginsu knife you ordered off QVC one night after you got drunk watching Bruce Lee movies). Mr. Robert Boob, however, should never be forgiven for his deliberate attempts to publish his illogical opinions with the intent to hurt someone everyone else loves and honors. What does that Boob think this is, America?! He will more than likely print that my semen resulted in the birth of the Police Chief’s wife and for that I could not be prouder. If only Mr. Boob took the time to get to know my sperm in law (outside of reading about him in state investigation reports) he’d discover him to be a valiant and superb human being unmatched by any in our small town. A majority in the community already know that he’s better than the rest of us and we aren’t ashamed to admit it.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Oil Brokencan
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Mayor Demands Apology
Take it back, you meanie, she tells township rival...
Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick has demanded an apology for what she’s called a “low blow, below the belt” made by Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust in regard to the police department. “There was a comment made at the last police commission meeting implying that our police officers have an unusual case of flatulence. And nothing could be further from the truth,” she told News from Broken Springs.
“What I said,” clarified Hildecrust, “is that I don’t want our cops using the department gas tanks to fill up their personal vehicles. It’s embarrassing enough when our star cop gets caught playing William "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" on company time, I don’t need to be dealing with allegations of fuel swiping on top of everything else. If I have to worry about something, why can‘t it just be Medicare like everyone else my age?”
Hildecrust, who personally spearheaded the campaign to get the gas tanks after the LSD school district privatized their transportation department, insists that he was only trying to nip a potential problem ‘in the bud’ by directing his comment to Police Chief Jim Kingston.
“It goes without saying,” answered Kingston at the meeting, wishing Hildecrust had not said it.
“It was totally uncalled for,” commented the Mayor’s wife, Stan Chaddwick after the village council meeting. “I mean, other than the archery incident, and the hunting incident, and the Christmas Care Bear discrepancies, and the cashing of the Taser checks, and the sexual harassment suit ages ago, and the political intimidation of that black Haitian guy running for council, name me one single time our police department has ever acted dishonorably.”
Ms. Chaddwick, who suffers from occasional diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, also had second thoughts about whether or not four mills would be enough to fund the overstaffed, overpaid bare bones budgeted police department next year. The millage election is set for August 8th, and despite the Mayor’s doubts, it’s too late to change the amount of mills requested.
The gas issue also fueled questions regarding the possible Township takeover of the police department. “I hope they (the township) aren’t waiting for us to pass this millage before they yank the carpet out from under us,” speculated the always paranoid Chaddwick.
“Is this the calm before the storm?” sputtered a very worried Bob Dustpan.
“Don’t worry,” insisted Paul Pezdispensor. “It’s always darkest right before dawn.”
“And the early bird catches the worm,” added Mike Tendergrass.
“But what if we’re the worm?” asked Chaddwick with a look of dread in her eyes.
Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick has demanded an apology for what she’s called a “low blow, below the belt” made by Township Supervisor Ernest Hildecrust in regard to the police department. “There was a comment made at the last police commission meeting implying that our police officers have an unusual case of flatulence. And nothing could be further from the truth,” she told News from Broken Springs.
“What I said,” clarified Hildecrust, “is that I don’t want our cops using the department gas tanks to fill up their personal vehicles. It’s embarrassing enough when our star cop gets caught playing William "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" on company time, I don’t need to be dealing with allegations of fuel swiping on top of everything else. If I have to worry about something, why can‘t it just be Medicare like everyone else my age?”
Hildecrust, who personally spearheaded the campaign to get the gas tanks after the LSD school district privatized their transportation department, insists that he was only trying to nip a potential problem ‘in the bud’ by directing his comment to Police Chief Jim Kingston.
“It goes without saying,” answered Kingston at the meeting, wishing Hildecrust had not said it.
“It was totally uncalled for,” commented the Mayor’s wife, Stan Chaddwick after the village council meeting. “I mean, other than the archery incident, and the hunting incident, and the Christmas Care Bear discrepancies, and the cashing of the Taser checks, and the sexual harassment suit ages ago, and the political intimidation of that black Haitian guy running for council, name me one single time our police department has ever acted dishonorably.”
Ms. Chaddwick, who suffers from occasional diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain, also had second thoughts about whether or not four mills would be enough to fund the overstaffed, overpaid bare bones budgeted police department next year. The millage election is set for August 8th, and despite the Mayor’s doubts, it’s too late to change the amount of mills requested.
The gas issue also fueled questions regarding the possible Township takeover of the police department. “I hope they (the township) aren’t waiting for us to pass this millage before they yank the carpet out from under us,” speculated the always paranoid Chaddwick.
“Is this the calm before the storm?” sputtered a very worried Bob Dustpan.
“Don’t worry,” insisted Paul Pezdispensor. “It’s always darkest right before dawn.”
“And the early bird catches the worm,” added Mike Tendergrass.
“But what if we’re the worm?” asked Chaddwick with a look of dread in her eyes.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Nascar to Shorten Races
NASCAR officials declared today that due to the current increase in gasoline prices, several races later this season will be shortened to save costs. According to the report issued, the money saving initiative will prevent a rise in ticket prices and allow the typical NASCAR fan to continue spending large amounts of cash on NASCAR apparel. Crude oil has topped seventy dollars a barrel this year and nationwide gas price averages sit at nearly $3.00 a gallon. NASCAR stock cars get approximately two miles per gallon.
Only three races will be affected by the move, which has some racing enthusiasts blowing a gasket. The Aaron’s 499 in Talladega will now be the Aaron’s 495. The Subway 500 will cut some fat calories to become the Subway 475. The Coca Cola 600 will become a lot shorter and change sponsorships altogether. It will now be called the Levi 501. Several new sponsors are interested in signing contracts with NASCAR next year if any of the current sponsors decide to ‘gas and go.’ They include Slimfast, Stacker II, and the Yellow Pages, who’s already expressed an interest in sponsoring their own Yellow Pages 411.
Bill France, President of NASCAR, insists that the move is a good one for the world of racing which will save money that can be used to improve NASCAR in the future. “Listen, everyone already knows that most people only watch the beginning and endings of the races. They may wake up from their drunken stupors briefly during the accidents, but most of the time all the laps in between are inconsequential.”
“They are too consequential,” demanded one angry fan sporting an orange #20 shirt as he ate a smokeless breakfast at Floppers Restaurant. “The laps are always run in order!”
“I’ve been a NASCAR fan for 20 years,” says Bill “Buckshot” O’Grady of Laporte, Indiana. “And I don’t like this here idear of shortenin’ the races. They already take almost three months off a year, leaving us poor fans nothing to watch but the crappy rodeos on the Outdoor Life Network. What if I was to say to you that baseball should only have seven innings instead of nine? All them overpaid pansy ballplayers would have a fit!”
Several NASCAR officials insist that 90% of race fans will never even notice the shortened races. The duration of the races will not change because more commercials will be added to the schedule lineups. That means we’ll see more of the Big Brown Truck and several more cheek shots of Dale Jr. in his tight Wrangler jeans. Recent polls indicate that race fans enjoy commercials featuring their favorite drivers almost as much as multi-car pileups on a super speedway. The rare exception is any accident involving Jeff Gordon, which fans prefer by a scale of two-to-one over everything else, including adult movies, and five-to-one over any adult movie that stars someone who may look like Gordon.
“Bottom line is this saves us money. It also protects America. We are ending, or at least cutting back on our addiction to foreign oil,” explained France from his private airline on his way to North Carolina to see the seventh game of the Stanley Cup.
Only three races will be affected by the move, which has some racing enthusiasts blowing a gasket. The Aaron’s 499 in Talladega will now be the Aaron’s 495. The Subway 500 will cut some fat calories to become the Subway 475. The Coca Cola 600 will become a lot shorter and change sponsorships altogether. It will now be called the Levi 501. Several new sponsors are interested in signing contracts with NASCAR next year if any of the current sponsors decide to ‘gas and go.’ They include Slimfast, Stacker II, and the Yellow Pages, who’s already expressed an interest in sponsoring their own Yellow Pages 411.
Bill France, President of NASCAR, insists that the move is a good one for the world of racing which will save money that can be used to improve NASCAR in the future. “Listen, everyone already knows that most people only watch the beginning and endings of the races. They may wake up from their drunken stupors briefly during the accidents, but most of the time all the laps in between are inconsequential.”
“They are too consequential,” demanded one angry fan sporting an orange #20 shirt as he ate a smokeless breakfast at Floppers Restaurant. “The laps are always run in order!”
“I’ve been a NASCAR fan for 20 years,” says Bill “Buckshot” O’Grady of Laporte, Indiana. “And I don’t like this here idear of shortenin’ the races. They already take almost three months off a year, leaving us poor fans nothing to watch but the crappy rodeos on the Outdoor Life Network. What if I was to say to you that baseball should only have seven innings instead of nine? All them overpaid pansy ballplayers would have a fit!”
Several NASCAR officials insist that 90% of race fans will never even notice the shortened races. The duration of the races will not change because more commercials will be added to the schedule lineups. That means we’ll see more of the Big Brown Truck and several more cheek shots of Dale Jr. in his tight Wrangler jeans. Recent polls indicate that race fans enjoy commercials featuring their favorite drivers almost as much as multi-car pileups on a super speedway. The rare exception is any accident involving Jeff Gordon, which fans prefer by a scale of two-to-one over everything else, including adult movies, and five-to-one over any adult movie that stars someone who may look like Gordon.
“Bottom line is this saves us money. It also protects America. We are ending, or at least cutting back on our addiction to foreign oil,” explained France from his private airline on his way to North Carolina to see the seventh game of the Stanley Cup.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Potent and Impotent
A big congratulations to a few different people in no particular order:
As if the success of the boy’s football and basketball teams weren’t enough, the Broken Springs baseballers will compete in the state finals this afternoon. Way to go, fellas. You make us proud.
On edit: The Clover boys won 10-3 and have brought home our first state title since 1989! Major congrats go out to all of our Field of Dreamers. The town could not be more proud of you!
NFBS’s first and finest fan, Linda Miekle Cash, has recently published a book, Dusty Angels and Old Diaries, that I encourage everyone to check out. Linda is a former Broken Springer who served as clerk to the Onoyoko Township board and the Broken Springs correspondent to the Herald Republican. Her memoir is about her search for her mother.
And because a Potent and Impotent blog entry wouldn’t be complete without a joke, I chose this one because Linda now lives in Ohio. ;)
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills.
The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin."
As if the success of the boy’s football and basketball teams weren’t enough, the Broken Springs baseballers will compete in the state finals this afternoon. Way to go, fellas. You make us proud.
On edit: The Clover boys won 10-3 and have brought home our first state title since 1989! Major congrats go out to all of our Field of Dreamers. The town could not be more proud of you!
NFBS’s first and finest fan, Linda Miekle Cash, has recently published a book, Dusty Angels and Old Diaries, that I encourage everyone to check out. Linda is a former Broken Springer who served as clerk to the Onoyoko Township board and the Broken Springs correspondent to the Herald Republican. Her memoir is about her search for her mother.And because a Potent and Impotent blog entry wouldn’t be complete without a joke, I chose this one because Linda now lives in Ohio. ;)
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills.
The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin."
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Tails of the Cougar
I confess.
I attacked the Burro. I know the two buffalo got blamed for it but I did it. It was all me. The Burro totally had it coming, though.
You see, I was on my way back from my honeymoon when I ran into the Burro and all hell broke loose. Yes, Lucy and I tied the knot. We were wed in a private ceremony (invite only) and immediately flew to the Caribbean for our honeymoon. When my editor found out where I was (she tracked my credit cards) she demanded that I either high tail it back to Broken Springs or email her my next column. Well, I hocked my laptop in order to buy Lucy an expensive 4 karat gold wedding ring so after only three fun filled days and four funner filled nights I cut my honeymoon short and took a greyhound back home. It was Monday afternoon when I arrived back and I didn’t have a clue as to what to write about for my next column. Shallow Throat told me specifically that she’d reject any harlequin romance so I couldn’t write about my wedding night. I couldn’t even write about how Lucy makes my whiskers twitch with that little thing she does with her hips. Or the way the sunlight hits her eyes when she’s grooming herself in the salon window. Lucy is my muse and without her, I’m just an ordinary cougar with no literative merit.
So I was prowling the township, fighting off writer’s block, when I ran into this wise cracking Burro, whose name was Bubba. As I was walking by his fence, he hollered to me, “Hey, aren’t you the cougar the cops got an APB out on?” in his best Eddie Murphy voice.
“What’s it to ya?” I snapped back, not in the mood for a smart ass.
“Two thousand big ones. That’s the price on your head,” he answered back with dollar signs in his eyes. Two thousand bucks? I was flattered. I don’t think even Osama himself has a bounty that big. I kept walking, with a pounce in my step from the compliment.I was nearly past the fence when I turned back to the Burro and said, “What’s an APB? Is it anything like the PBA?”
“No, no, you dumb pussy,” said the donkey. “All Points Bulletin. It’s like a BOL.”
“B.O.L,” I spelled out the letters. “You saying I stink, Burro?”
“No, you big dumb wad of fur. BOL means Be On the Lookout. But lucky for you, the Broken Springs cops are SOL when it comes to most things.”
“SOL?”
“Nevermind. I just mean they’ll never catch you because they’d have to be smarter than the creature they’re trying to catch. Like those two buffalo over there.” Bubba nodded to the bison grazing across the road. “Those fellas wouldn’t stand a chance against Jimmy’s boys.”
“Who’s Jimmy?” I asked.
“Jimmy Kingston? Chief of Police? Boy, you are a dumb cat. Where you been living, under a rock?”
“No, at the Holiday Inn, in the Caribbean. I just got back from my honeymoon. I wore a black tux…”
“With tails?”
“How’d you know?”
“I have ESP.”
“Hey, I know that one! It’s a sports channel.” I grinned, proud of my wisdom.
“You’re a regular Danforth Quayle, aren’t you?”
“Well I don’t like to brag,” I said, clearing my throat. “So anyway, these cops… are they dangerous?”
“Only to themselves. I wouldn’t worry. They’re about as competent as a turtle at a drag race,” said the Burro as he chewed a mouthful of cud.
“Isn’t Jimmy the guy who runs that local charity?” I said, recalling details that my editor had shared with me before I left town.
“You mean the charity he has YET to register with the state?”
“I’m sure he has a real good reason. I've only ever heard good things about Jim Kingston. Isn’t he a hometown boy made good?”
“Good? Good for nothing.”
“Take it back! That’s an officer of the law you’re talking about. His job is to protect and serve Broken Springs. And I personally think he’s doing a damn fine job.”
“Spoken like a typical FOJ,” mumbled the burro who was beginning to get on my nerves. “Friend of Jim,” he added before I got the chance to ask.
“I’ve never even met the man. But doesn’t he also mow village lawns and pick up litter left along the street?”
“Nominate him for sainthood, why don’t you? Next thing you’ll be telling me is that you think that power hungry Mayor of ours is light on her feet and has the best interest of Broken Springs in mind.”
“I don’t know her either, but Lucy says she colors her hair. She’s not exactly a fox but you’re no Prince Charming yourself, Burro.”
“That reminds me of a joke. What’s covered with a tent and rolls on wheels?”
That was the straw that broke, in this case, the burro’s back. Before he could blurt out the rest of his Mayor in a wheelchair joke, I bared my teeth and lunged for his jugular. I’m normally not so violent but Bubba had spouted enough of his negative venom. He fell to the ground and muttered, “A motor home,” just before he lost consciousness from the loss of blood.
I high tailed it out of there. The buffalo were my only witnesses and I negotiated their silence by letting them out of their gate. It was only later that I learned the fate of Bill and Cody. Bubba later died, as I understand. I didn’t mean to kill him. I only wanted to maim him a little and teach him a lesson. But I’m sure you understand how I felt when he badmouthed our fine public servants the way he did.
When I told my editor what happened, she signed me up to an anger management class and requested a full psyche evaluation. She also put me on probation. I told her that Lucy says I’m just a big pussy. I purr when you rub my belly. If only the Burro had known that…
The Cougar can be reached at berriencougar@hotmail.com
Monday, June 12, 2006
Police Commission Meeting
It was fairly evident soon after entering Township Hall that El Gordo Davis dropped the ball in his promise to fill the room with a pro-taser audience. There were a dozen chairs set up, no more, no less.
It was almost as evident once the meeting started that Mayor Jan Chaddwick had regained all of her motor functions after the stroke she didn’t have. She seemed as healthy as a buffalo… er, I mean horse. But she did look a little blue in the wardrobe. It’s entirely possible, however, that her ailments are invisible to the naked eye because before the meeting started she asked if they could talk about gas. Flatulence is nothing to be ashamed of, Jan No need to sugar coat it and call it ‘fuel.’
In fact, little Nappy El Gordo Davis wasn’t in the room when the meeting started. Let’s just say he must have his watch set to BPT, or NPT as Kingston might call it. When he does show up, he leaned so close to Journalistic Error editoress Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarscallthecops I half expected them to lock lips. He was showing her a picture of an alligator so I can only assume that he’s been doing some genealogical research.
In the Chief’s report, Kingston said it was “business as usual,” which means the Broken Springs police spent another month catching wayward juvies vandalizing parks, Adventists trafficking wacky weed, and keeping the streets of Broken Springs safe from escaped buffalo.
The Commission, because it's such a tease, flirted with the idea of discussing a couple different policies. But then they said they had a headache and curled up on their side of the bed.
A big NFBS congrats to Rob Fishnet for graduating from the Police Academy. And our deepest sympathies for being demoted to Daniel Shame's partner. His last partner was a dog, which might explain why he keeps asking you to lick his face.
Ernie Hildecrust, in his infinite wisdom, tells Kingston that he and his officers are on the honor system when it comes to filling up their gas tanks from the newly delivered fuel tanks. Kingston responded by saying that it “goes without saying.” But if it truly goes without saying, would there have been reason for Ernie to say it to begin with? The mind boggles.
Kingston then reminded everyone of the upcoming millage, encouraging those in attendance to support it. Ernie reassured the crowd that Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarsshootthebuffalo will probably write a good propaganda piece in the weakly rag. She nods in approval.
Then a few tears were shed over the loss of David Polaski, who’s been hired on to the county department (where they have the tasers he so wanted). The Mayor expressed relief that he’s still working around the area, and the Commission ruefully reminisced about all the training they financed for him. Officer Kork will now be the department’s primary firearms instructor. One wonders why responsibility doesn’t go to Daniel Shame, since he’s so skilled at hitting women pumping gas, not to mention all of his archery qualifications.
The big story of the night is the tale of two buffalo. They’d escaped a four and a half foot fence. One was 1700 lbs and the other was 1200 lbs which means they were nearly twice as big as the Mayor and obviously as dangerous to the community at large. A man’s burro was attacked and his ass was grass. The Broken Springs Police were given no option, other than calling animal control and tranquilizing the beasts, but to shoot the animals. So in their limitless pursuit of public safety, and also because they wanted to make sure their guns still worked, they shot and killed the two buffalo in Puchanan Township. The rumor that it took them 17 shots to hit the unarmed animals is unsubstantiated. It may have been many more than that.
Ernie Hildecrust then made the comment that our police force really “shoots the bull,” which is quite witty for a man of his age, wouldn’t you say? Perhaps he’d like a regular column in NFBS?
He’s probably just still feeling the contact high from the drug bust in his backyard. Apparently some University students were caught trafficking drugs out near Hildecrust Holes. Police also caught the juvy who’d been vandalizing the Groping Park bathrooms. It’s amazing how much damage one set of hands can cause. But enough about the Police Chief…
The meeting was adjourned at 7:20, which means it was - yet again - a waste of a change of underwear.
It was almost as evident once the meeting started that Mayor Jan Chaddwick had regained all of her motor functions after the stroke she didn’t have. She seemed as healthy as a buffalo… er, I mean horse. But she did look a little blue in the wardrobe. It’s entirely possible, however, that her ailments are invisible to the naked eye because before the meeting started she asked if they could talk about gas. Flatulence is nothing to be ashamed of, Jan No need to sugar coat it and call it ‘fuel.’
In fact, little Nappy El Gordo Davis wasn’t in the room when the meeting started. Let’s just say he must have his watch set to BPT, or NPT as Kingston might call it. When he does show up, he leaned so close to Journalistic Error editoress Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarscallthecops I half expected them to lock lips. He was showing her a picture of an alligator so I can only assume that he’s been doing some genealogical research.
In the Chief’s report, Kingston said it was “business as usual,” which means the Broken Springs police spent another month catching wayward juvies vandalizing parks, Adventists trafficking wacky weed, and keeping the streets of Broken Springs safe from escaped buffalo.
The Commission, because it's such a tease, flirted with the idea of discussing a couple different policies. But then they said they had a headache and curled up on their side of the bed.
A big NFBS congrats to Rob Fishnet for graduating from the Police Academy. And our deepest sympathies for being demoted to Daniel Shame's partner. His last partner was a dog, which might explain why he keeps asking you to lick his face.
Ernie Hildecrust, in his infinite wisdom, tells Kingston that he and his officers are on the honor system when it comes to filling up their gas tanks from the newly delivered fuel tanks. Kingston responded by saying that it “goes without saying.” But if it truly goes without saying, would there have been reason for Ernie to say it to begin with? The mind boggles.
Kingston then reminded everyone of the upcoming millage, encouraging those in attendance to support it. Ernie reassured the crowd that Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarsshootthebuffalo will probably write a good propaganda piece in the weakly rag. She nods in approval.
Then a few tears were shed over the loss of David Polaski, who’s been hired on to the county department (where they have the tasers he so wanted). The Mayor expressed relief that he’s still working around the area, and the Commission ruefully reminisced about all the training they financed for him. Officer Kork will now be the department’s primary firearms instructor. One wonders why responsibility doesn’t go to Daniel Shame, since he’s so skilled at hitting women pumping gas, not to mention all of his archery qualifications.
The big story of the night is the tale of two buffalo. They’d escaped a four and a half foot fence. One was 1700 lbs and the other was 1200 lbs which means they were nearly twice as big as the Mayor and obviously as dangerous to the community at large. A man’s burro was attacked and his ass was grass. The Broken Springs Police were given no option, other than calling animal control and tranquilizing the beasts, but to shoot the animals. So in their limitless pursuit of public safety, and also because they wanted to make sure their guns still worked, they shot and killed the two buffalo in Puchanan Township. The rumor that it took them 17 shots to hit the unarmed animals is unsubstantiated. It may have been many more than that.
Ernie Hildecrust then made the comment that our police force really “shoots the bull,” which is quite witty for a man of his age, wouldn’t you say? Perhaps he’d like a regular column in NFBS?
He’s probably just still feeling the contact high from the drug bust in his backyard. Apparently some University students were caught trafficking drugs out near Hildecrust Holes. Police also caught the juvy who’d been vandalizing the Groping Park bathrooms. It’s amazing how much damage one set of hands can cause. But enough about the Police Chief…
The meeting was adjourned at 7:20, which means it was - yet again - a waste of a change of underwear.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Animal Control? We don't need no stinking Animal Control!
This is dedicated to the two buffalo slain by Broken Springs cops earlier this week. RIP Bill and Cody.
Animal Control? Who needs it?
Animal Control? Who needs it?
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Ryan Newman Day
Governor Jennifer Granholm declared Tuesday, June 6th Ryan Newman Day and one small Michiana community celebrated in a fashion all their own.
Broken Springs, a village of under two thousand once known for the size of their big pickles, decided to honor the NASCAR Nextel Cup driver with a parade downtown and a NASCAR picnic later on in the evening. But parade goers were in for a surprise when the middle part of the parade decided to drag race down the streets of Broken Springs, emulating Ryan Newman himself. Only they didn’t crash. Broken Springs police issued several citations before the parade ended and several others were “black flagged” for speeding on Pitt Road. No, they weren’t coming in for tires or a gas and go (although Sam Beadle did have refried beans for lunch). The black flagged violators were going over 25 mph on Pitt Road, near the Laundromat.
Amidst rising smog levels in Broken Springs, not including the sky rocketing gasoline prices, the quaint little village of 1800 and dropping enjoyed grilled bratwurst and saurkraut after the parade crossed the checkered flag. The winner of the parade was a Niles resident named Quinesha Jones who claimed she was just trying to avoid the profiling Broken Springs police. At the finish line she was given a bottle of Asti Spumante, which she shook up and sprayed on the screaming spectators while standing atop her ‘84 Chevy Nova. Unfortunately she couldn’t stay for the rest of the ceremonies due to other obligations she described as “a screaming baby at home being watched by my a&*hole brother-in-law who’s probably passed out by now.” But when she sped away with the champagne gripped tightly in her lime green polished fingernails, she was promptly arrested for possession of open intoxicants by Broken Springs police.
The fun was not over in Broken Springs. In typical NASCAR fashion, many drunk rednecks got into punch throwing arguments over whose favorite driver was bigger and better both on and off the track. “Cryin’” Ryan Newman, one of the few Nextel Cup drivers with a college education, is a fan favorite of very few Broken Springers. His grasp of the English language, combined with his pudgy figure attributes most to his unpopularity. But BS residents largely agree that all he has to do is throw a few tantrums like Tony Stewart and he’d be sure to increase his fan base.
The first annual “Ryan Newman Day” in Broken Springs ended with a victory lap around the town, led by a caravan of Broken Springs officials, including the Police Chief and Mayor. Chief Kingston told News from Broken Springs that he hadn’t had so much fun since he was tasered before the Police Commission. Mayor Chaddwick agreed that the day was full of excitement. “We could hardly keep her in her wheelchair,” said her husband, Stan.
God help us if we ever have a “Ted Nugent Day.”
Broken Springs, a village of under two thousand once known for the size of their big pickles, decided to honor the NASCAR Nextel Cup driver with a parade downtown and a NASCAR picnic later on in the evening. But parade goers were in for a surprise when the middle part of the parade decided to drag race down the streets of Broken Springs, emulating Ryan Newman himself. Only they didn’t crash. Broken Springs police issued several citations before the parade ended and several others were “black flagged” for speeding on Pitt Road. No, they weren’t coming in for tires or a gas and go (although Sam Beadle did have refried beans for lunch). The black flagged violators were going over 25 mph on Pitt Road, near the Laundromat.
Amidst rising smog levels in Broken Springs, not including the sky rocketing gasoline prices, the quaint little village of 1800 and dropping enjoyed grilled bratwurst and saurkraut after the parade crossed the checkered flag. The winner of the parade was a Niles resident named Quinesha Jones who claimed she was just trying to avoid the profiling Broken Springs police. At the finish line she was given a bottle of Asti Spumante, which she shook up and sprayed on the screaming spectators while standing atop her ‘84 Chevy Nova. Unfortunately she couldn’t stay for the rest of the ceremonies due to other obligations she described as “a screaming baby at home being watched by my a&*hole brother-in-law who’s probably passed out by now.” But when she sped away with the champagne gripped tightly in her lime green polished fingernails, she was promptly arrested for possession of open intoxicants by Broken Springs police.
The fun was not over in Broken Springs. In typical NASCAR fashion, many drunk rednecks got into punch throwing arguments over whose favorite driver was bigger and better both on and off the track. “Cryin’” Ryan Newman, one of the few Nextel Cup drivers with a college education, is a fan favorite of very few Broken Springers. His grasp of the English language, combined with his pudgy figure attributes most to his unpopularity. But BS residents largely agree that all he has to do is throw a few tantrums like Tony Stewart and he’d be sure to increase his fan base.
The first annual “Ryan Newman Day” in Broken Springs ended with a victory lap around the town, led by a caravan of Broken Springs officials, including the Police Chief and Mayor. Chief Kingston told News from Broken Springs that he hadn’t had so much fun since he was tasered before the Police Commission. Mayor Chaddwick agreed that the day was full of excitement. “We could hardly keep her in her wheelchair,” said her husband, Stan.
God help us if we ever have a “Ted Nugent Day.”
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