I know things have been dead lately. Since the self removal of Jimmy Kingston, there's not a whole lot to write about, unless something big happens, like if the workers for the streetscape project found Jimmy Hoffa. But don't get your hopes up.
Cloverleaf Campground is looking for a new Park manager, preferably one who can properly kiss the butt of the Village Council. Good help is so hard to find.
And the best news of all is that News from Broken Springs has recently acquired its own domain. Let's give a warm welcome to...
Brokensprings.net.
Yes, the old blogger address will still be good, but instead of typing out the whole thing, NFBS readers can now just type in brokensprings.net. Much easier to pass around to your friends too. The only bad thing is we'll need to print up some new business cards. Also, no need to hunt up that long email addy to email the editor. Now, to contact us all you need to put in your TO box is editor@brokensprings.net. Easy as pie.
But how can NFBS afford such a domain? Domain names costs dozens of dollars a year, and currently the staff here at the Broken Springs Rag makes peanuts. Perhaps you, the reader, would like a domain of your very own if the price is right?
The price is very right. The .net domain cost us exactly no dollars and no cents. Yes, we did have to take a few online surveys and sign up for newsletters we didn't really want, but in the end, it was very worth it.
Another Free is the name of the website that offers the service. In one afternoon, we were able to gain enough points for a two year domain registration. Check them out because we highly recommend them.
A satirical view of news from small town, America.
DISCLAIMER: Contents are fiction and intended for mature audiences.
"Satirical garbage, atrocious, obscene, and shameful." -local FOJ
"Anything but elegant" - Herald Palladium
"Contains some sophomoric content that many would find offensive" -Herald Palladium
Updated weakly, very weakly
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Mannequin Rapist Strikes Again
Another victim of the mannequin rapist was found early this morning by Old Navy store manager Carl Mason. The mannequin, who has not been identified until her family can be notified, was discovered half undressed, face down in Aisle 6. She is the fifth victim in the rapist's four week spree. Nearby was the only piece of evidence left at the scene, a tan pair of scrunched up semen stained Dockers.
About a month ago, area retailers began to notice a returning customer trying to become intimate with several in store mannequins. On numerous occasions, the man was asked to leave and once, after his blatant groping was witnessed by several jaw dropped onlookers in Victoria's Secret, he was escorted out by security officers, only to be quickly released. Though there was no doubt that his behavior was sexually inappropriate, it was unclear whether or not he'd actually broken any law.
Around the time the mysterious 'Mannequin Stalker,' as he became known, disappeared, the sexual assaults of mannequins began, leaving authority figures to speculate that the mysterious stalker had promoted himself from unacceptable behavior to criminal contact with non consenting mannequins, and in some extreme cases, statue-tory rape.
Two of the rapist's previous victims describe their attacker as a man in his middle 30s, with a receding hairline and an extremely small penis. Unfortunately since their description applies to almost every 30 something man in Broken Springs, the perpetrator has not yet been caught. However, the DNA collected at the scene of his most recent victim is being tested and may lead to his identification.
As the authorities now hunt for the Rapist, public debate has opened over what constitutes as rape in today's marketing world of plastic woman modeling lingerie. Some consider the Mannequin Rapist a victim of society's emphasis on marketed sex. Others insist that he's mentally ill and with some mental therapy, he could pass as a normal member of society, or possibly a member of Congress. And still others suggest that the only therapy that could cure him is a pair of scissors applied directly to his testicles.
"They were asking for it," says local misogynist Arthur Scutbucket (52), of the mannequins. 'We've both seen the way they dress, flaunting themselves in public with their provocative poses and skimpy outfits. Sometimes even in shop windows, just gagging for it! Mini skirts, halter tops, with pink thongs," He talks fast, with quick spurts of breath, "It's disgusting how these filthy sluts show their pert nipples through the thin, clinging fabric of the skimpy tops they're whoring," he said as he massaged the bulge in his trousers. "One plastic tramp wasn't even wearing any panties!"
But can clothing, or lack thereof justify rape? Modern sensibilities may answer in the negative, but there is a correlation between the number of mannequin rapes reported and how few clothes they're actually wearing during the onset of the attack. According to the records, a mannequin is six times more likely to be assaulted if she models for Victoria's Secret than she is while working for a store like Home Depot. We spoke to a woman mannequin modeling Carhart overalls while holding a screw gun in one hand and a hammer in the other. The closest she's ever come to being raped, she told us, was when a butch lesbian slipped a hand in her back pocket and gave her a squeeze.
"I almost dropped the hammer," she said.
Mannequins working in Housewares report the fewest number of sexual related assaults, suggesting that an apron may be the most preventive item of clothing a mannequin can wear. An exception to this statement are those mannequins dressed in French Maid outfits, who must endure an even higher amount of questionable behavior, usually resulting in a cleanup in their aisle of the store.
An anonymous mannequin wearing only a Dolce and Gabbana matching bra and pantie set told us that not a day goes by when she isn't accosted in some deliberate or accidental way. "Usually they pretend to trip and catch themselves against my buttocks, sometimes sliding a cold finger across the seam of my thong ever so slowly. Once, a smelly Italian faked a fainting spell just to reach out and take hold of my breasts for leverage. But we're ladies, so we don't react or pull away. If it were up to us, we'd slap them, but that would be bad for business. So we just grin and bare it, quite literally."
Grinning and baring it, however professional, only adds to the problem on the rise. If a mannequin refuses even to step away from an offending shopper, chances are that she'll keep her lips sealed as well. A local poll of 50 people conducted in the mall during our lunch break concluded that nearly half of men and women don't consider an assault rape unless the victim clearly says no to her aggressor. Since most mannequins lack full functioning mouths, it is no wonder why many of them just grin and bare it. Even if she could open her mouth, what's to prevent a sexual predator from using it as just another orifice in which to shove his obtrusive manhood?
Mannequins get very little sympathy from women, our studies show. Asked whether or not she feels sorry for them, an obese cocktail waitress replies, "Why should I? They have the best job in the world. All they do is stand there, in their beautiful clothes and perfectly molded figures. They get ogled at all day long for doing nothing. I work my tail off, only to hear my customers make quips about how I eat what they leave on their plates."
"Would you ever consider sexually assaulting a mannequin?" we asked her.
"Are you kidding? If I sat on their face, I'd bust their pretty little head."
Two other ladies, shopping in the men's department of Sears, also expressed a scathing opinion about the morality of the plastic women in question. "I'm not jealous or anything," said Amy Jacobin (58), "But do you notice how big their breasts are?" Her daughter agreed, and added, "The rapist is a sicko, no doubt about that. But can you really blame him for not being able to control himself around them? It's a good thing that Victoria Secret had a sale on thongs today because I needed a new pair once I got out of there."
"How about male mannequins?" we asked.
"Oh, they're lovely," they both said in unison, indicating a double standard in our mannequin community where female mannequins are sluts and male mannequins are studs.
"But why aren't there women running around raping male mannequins?"
"Because that would interfere with our shopping," answered the mother.
To further understand the complexities of a mannequin rapist's mind, we interviewed Max Von Krauter, 41, currently serving three consecutive life terms in the Broken Springs Prison for Boys after raping an astonishing thirty-four mannequins during the Christmas Shopping season of 1982. The first thing he says from behind his very own window is, "I didn't think of myself as a rapist. I preferred to call myself a mannequinizer. I loved everything about them: their cold to the touch skin, their smooth, hairless bodies, their new plastic smell. I couldn't keep my hands off them. Department store policy said no, but their synthetic come hither stares said, 'Yes YES!'"
When we asked Krauter to tell us about his first time, he told us, "It was an ordinary day. I was shopping for lingerie for my wife of six years, who later divorced me, probably because she never got the lingerie. I couldn't decide on red cami-knickers or a black teddy. Nearby a mannequin was wearing the cami-knickers, so I asked a sales lady to hold up the black teddy, to compare the items. Not long after that, we three were tangled in the aisles of the floor. I was taking the sales lady from behind while she was performing cunnilingus on the mannequin. From then on, I got hard whenever I passed one."
"How were you caught?" we asked him.
"There are only so many mannequins you can undress before the security guards start to notice. But I was having such a good time, I never saw them coming. When they slapped the cuffs on me, I thought Madeline - she was my favorite - wanted to play rough. Well, I'd get my wish for playing rough all right, as soon as I was sent here. Only it wasn't with a mannequin named Madeline. It was with a dumb inmate named Bubba. I never saw him coming either. But he did. It was then I realized how the mannequins must have felt."
Krauter, now a Born Again Christian, realizes that he suffered a severe lapse in judgment in which he succumbed to temptations of hard plastic. But he's tackled his problem and is moving on with his life. He works as a seamstress during the week and busies himself in the laundry room most of the weekend. In that time he's had many solitary moments, in which he understands how selfish his past behavior was.
"Just because she dressed in a sexy satin two piece bathing suit, or an evening gown that gave her amazing cleavage doesn't mean she was asking to be taken from behind while Jingle Bells played over the store intercom. Just because she didn't say no or push my hand away when I reached up her silk skirt doesn't mean she wanted sex. It just means she was made of plastic and couldn't talk or move her limbs. She might have stared at me with a look of sexual hunger in her eyes but that gaze was only a marketing device used to drive up the sale of skimpy overpriced lingerie, nothing more." He ends our interview with these words of advice for the current mannequin rapist: 'Please, think of the mannequins. Turn yourself in."
But until the Mannequin Rapist is caught, no woman behind a shop glass window is safe.
About a month ago, area retailers began to notice a returning customer trying to become intimate with several in store mannequins. On numerous occasions, the man was asked to leave and once, after his blatant groping was witnessed by several jaw dropped onlookers in Victoria's Secret, he was escorted out by security officers, only to be quickly released. Though there was no doubt that his behavior was sexually inappropriate, it was unclear whether or not he'd actually broken any law.
Around the time the mysterious 'Mannequin Stalker,' as he became known, disappeared, the sexual assaults of mannequins began, leaving authority figures to speculate that the mysterious stalker had promoted himself from unacceptable behavior to criminal contact with non consenting mannequins, and in some extreme cases, statue-tory rape.
Two of the rapist's previous victims describe their attacker as a man in his middle 30s, with a receding hairline and an extremely small penis. Unfortunately since their description applies to almost every 30 something man in Broken Springs, the perpetrator has not yet been caught. However, the DNA collected at the scene of his most recent victim is being tested and may lead to his identification.
As the authorities now hunt for the Rapist, public debate has opened over what constitutes as rape in today's marketing world of plastic woman modeling lingerie. Some consider the Mannequin Rapist a victim of society's emphasis on marketed sex. Others insist that he's mentally ill and with some mental therapy, he could pass as a normal member of society, or possibly a member of Congress. And still others suggest that the only therapy that could cure him is a pair of scissors applied directly to his testicles.
"They were asking for it," says local misogynist Arthur Scutbucket (52), of the mannequins. 'We've both seen the way they dress, flaunting themselves in public with their provocative poses and skimpy outfits. Sometimes even in shop windows, just gagging for it! Mini skirts, halter tops, with pink thongs," He talks fast, with quick spurts of breath, "It's disgusting how these filthy sluts show their pert nipples through the thin, clinging fabric of the skimpy tops they're whoring," he said as he massaged the bulge in his trousers. "One plastic tramp wasn't even wearing any panties!"
But can clothing, or lack thereof justify rape? Modern sensibilities may answer in the negative, but there is a correlation between the number of mannequin rapes reported and how few clothes they're actually wearing during the onset of the attack. According to the records, a mannequin is six times more likely to be assaulted if she models for Victoria's Secret than she is while working for a store like Home Depot. We spoke to a woman mannequin modeling Carhart overalls while holding a screw gun in one hand and a hammer in the other. The closest she's ever come to being raped, she told us, was when a butch lesbian slipped a hand in her back pocket and gave her a squeeze."I almost dropped the hammer," she said.
Mannequins working in Housewares report the fewest number of sexual related assaults, suggesting that an apron may be the most preventive item of clothing a mannequin can wear. An exception to this statement are those mannequins dressed in French Maid outfits, who must endure an even higher amount of questionable behavior, usually resulting in a cleanup in their aisle of the store.
An anonymous mannequin wearing only a Dolce and Gabbana matching bra and pantie set told us that not a day goes by when she isn't accosted in some deliberate or accidental way. "Usually they pretend to trip and catch themselves against my buttocks, sometimes sliding a cold finger across the seam of my thong ever so slowly. Once, a smelly Italian faked a fainting spell just to reach out and take hold of my breasts for leverage. But we're ladies, so we don't react or pull away. If it were up to us, we'd slap them, but that would be bad for business. So we just grin and bare it, quite literally."
Grinning and baring it, however professional, only adds to the problem on the rise. If a mannequin refuses even to step away from an offending shopper, chances are that she'll keep her lips sealed as well. A local poll of 50 people conducted in the mall during our lunch break concluded that nearly half of men and women don't consider an assault rape unless the victim clearly says no to her aggressor. Since most mannequins lack full functioning mouths, it is no wonder why many of them just grin and bare it. Even if she could open her mouth, what's to prevent a sexual predator from using it as just another orifice in which to shove his obtrusive manhood?
Mannequins get very little sympathy from women, our studies show. Asked whether or not she feels sorry for them, an obese cocktail waitress replies, "Why should I? They have the best job in the world. All they do is stand there, in their beautiful clothes and perfectly molded figures. They get ogled at all day long for doing nothing. I work my tail off, only to hear my customers make quips about how I eat what they leave on their plates."
"Would you ever consider sexually assaulting a mannequin?" we asked her.
"Are you kidding? If I sat on their face, I'd bust their pretty little head."
Two other ladies, shopping in the men's department of Sears, also expressed a scathing opinion about the morality of the plastic women in question. "I'm not jealous or anything," said Amy Jacobin (58), "But do you notice how big their breasts are?" Her daughter agreed, and added, "The rapist is a sicko, no doubt about that. But can you really blame him for not being able to control himself around them? It's a good thing that Victoria Secret had a sale on thongs today because I needed a new pair once I got out of there."
"How about male mannequins?" we asked.
"Oh, they're lovely," they both said in unison, indicating a double standard in our mannequin community where female mannequins are sluts and male mannequins are studs.
"But why aren't there women running around raping male mannequins?"
"Because that would interfere with our shopping," answered the mother.
To further understand the complexities of a mannequin rapist's mind, we interviewed Max Von Krauter, 41, currently serving three consecutive life terms in the Broken Springs Prison for Boys after raping an astonishing thirty-four mannequins during the Christmas Shopping season of 1982. The first thing he says from behind his very own window is, "I didn't think of myself as a rapist. I preferred to call myself a mannequinizer. I loved everything about them: their cold to the touch skin, their smooth, hairless bodies, their new plastic smell. I couldn't keep my hands off them. Department store policy said no, but their synthetic come hither stares said, 'Yes YES!'"
When we asked Krauter to tell us about his first time, he told us, "It was an ordinary day. I was shopping for lingerie for my wife of six years, who later divorced me, probably because she never got the lingerie. I couldn't decide on red cami-knickers or a black teddy. Nearby a mannequin was wearing the cami-knickers, so I asked a sales lady to hold up the black teddy, to compare the items. Not long after that, we three were tangled in the aisles of the floor. I was taking the sales lady from behind while she was performing cunnilingus on the mannequin. From then on, I got hard whenever I passed one."
"How were you caught?" we asked him.
"There are only so many mannequins you can undress before the security guards start to notice. But I was having such a good time, I never saw them coming. When they slapped the cuffs on me, I thought Madeline - she was my favorite - wanted to play rough. Well, I'd get my wish for playing rough all right, as soon as I was sent here. Only it wasn't with a mannequin named Madeline. It was with a dumb inmate named Bubba. I never saw him coming either. But he did. It was then I realized how the mannequins must have felt."
Krauter, now a Born Again Christian, realizes that he suffered a severe lapse in judgment in which he succumbed to temptations of hard plastic. But he's tackled his problem and is moving on with his life. He works as a seamstress during the week and busies himself in the laundry room most of the weekend. In that time he's had many solitary moments, in which he understands how selfish his past behavior was.
"Just because she dressed in a sexy satin two piece bathing suit, or an evening gown that gave her amazing cleavage doesn't mean she was asking to be taken from behind while Jingle Bells played over the store intercom. Just because she didn't say no or push my hand away when I reached up her silk skirt doesn't mean she wanted sex. It just means she was made of plastic and couldn't talk or move her limbs. She might have stared at me with a look of sexual hunger in her eyes but that gaze was only a marketing device used to drive up the sale of skimpy overpriced lingerie, nothing more." He ends our interview with these words of advice for the current mannequin rapist: 'Please, think of the mannequins. Turn yourself in."
But until the Mannequin Rapist is caught, no woman behind a shop glass window is safe.
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