BS Diggers Find Hoffa!
The village of Broken Springs suffered a temporary delay in the start of its $850 grand street- escape project Monday when diggers along Keptner Street discovered the previously missing body of Jimmy Hoffa. The Teamsters leader, thought to have been murdered by the Mafia, disappeared in the summer of 1975 from Oakland County, Michigan , and was believed to been interred in the foundation of Giants stadium. As it turns out, he was about as far away from Giants stadium as you can get.
“I was just digging up the end of Keptner Street, near the Ali estate, and all of a sudden I saw a pair of feet in the bucket of my backhoe,” said hole digger Gus “Big Cat” Houston. “Then in the next bucket, there was an arm still with the sleeve attached, and a Rolex on the wrist.”
Officials were called to the scene and local police were able to immediately verify that the corpse was not local. “We used a series of high tech methods to determine the deceased wasn’t from Broken Springs,” explained Police Chief Jim Kingston. When asked what those high tech methods were, he further explained, “Well, no one in Broken Springs can afford a Rolex.”
Officer Daniel Shame, who noses his way into every BS investigation, told us that his first hunches were all wrong. “Before I knew it was Hoffa, I thought maybe he was from one of them big cities, like Puchanan or Fridgman. Once we found out it was a famous dead guy, the entire department wanted their pictures with him. Unfortunately he refused to sign autographs."
It wasn’t until fingerprint analysis and hair samples were tested from fourteen recovered pieces that the corpse’s identity was confirmed as the body of the former Teamsters Boss. But unfortunately since the body was dismembered when it was discovered, authorities may never know the initial cause of death.
“We suspect that the bullet hole in his skull had something to do with it,” explained Kingston, “But we’ve since lost the bullet we found at the burial site so we can never run the appropriate tests to confirm that it’s the magic bullet.” When asked about the ‘.38 bullet used to kill Jimmy Hoffa’ now listed on eBay with a buy it now price for $1700, Kingston seemed puzzled and admitted that he wasn’t very literate when it comes to the Internet. The eBay seller, CodeEnforcr, would not answer our many emails.
“So is it safe to assume that someone shot Hoffa?” we inquired.
“Not necessarily,” asserted Kingston. “He might’ve died from being hacked into pieces,” he said until we told him that the flesh wounds all match the pattern of the blades on the backhoe. “Good point. I hadn’t thought of that.” Kingston scratched his chin. “But he could’ve died any number of ways. Drowning, car accident, blunt force to the head, suicide, accidental. He might’ve tripped on the laces of those expensive shoes he was wearing," he posited with a furtive glance to his feet. We saw that he was wearing mud speckled leather loafers distinctly similar to those found on Hoffa. When he caught us looking, he continued, "Or his death could’ve been natural. He might’ve just drank too much Broken Springs water.”
The area in which Hoffa was discovered was once owned by Al Capone and the 88 acre estate was later purchased by Muhammed Ali. But Kingston and local officials don’t want people to rush to judgment. “Muhammed Ali didn’t kill Jimmy Hoffa,” insisted Broken Springs Mayor Jan Chaddwick, who had her own speculations on what really happened.
“He might’ve already been dead and buried when he was hit by a stray bullet, perhaps from someone duck hunting nearby. Maybe it happened when Cheney came to town last year. We’ll never know.”
Jimmy Hoffa is the only person who knows for sure and unfortunately for BS authorities, he’s in so many pieces he could qualify to be a bucket special at KFC.
In the meantime, it’ll remain another mystery to add to the Broken Springs collection.