Thursday, May 18, 2006

Mayor Squashes Rumors

Rumors that Broken Springs Mayor Jan Chaddwick is ill and considering giving up politics have been “greatly exaggerated,” according to Chaddwick herself, interviewed while bedridden at home. She insists that she’s as healthy as ever with good vitals, confirmed by her doctors at Broken General Hospital. Her blood pressure remains a very healthy 220 over 140 and her cholesterol’s never been better, clocking in at 297. Her private physician assures News from Broken Springs that if required, Chaddwick could still run a mile at the breakneck pace of 42 minutes, and just yesterday she bench pressed 240 and swam a lap and a half in the LSD swimming pool.

When asked to explain her recent absence from many government meetings, she called it a stroke of bad timing due to her professional obligations. “I’ve been working and pacing. Would an unhealthy person be able to pace so frantically?”

Rumors began spreading in the small metropolis of Broken Springs that Chaddwick was ill just as soon as she started questioning the finances of the police budget. Chaddwick, affectionately known as ‘Ole Tax and Spend Jan’ by local residents, began to find ways to make the police budget more fiscally responsible. She noted that she and fellow commissioners had already made “significant cuts” to the budget, which saved village and township residents an unprecedented $400 last year. “Jan, trying to save money? She must be sick,” said an audience member at a meeting, which is perhaps how the rumor got started to begin with.

Chaddwick has a history of illness, most notably diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. But so far these ailments have not affected her ability to govern Broken Springs. She called the rumors “unimaginable” and urged people to mind their own business.

Police Chief Jimmy Kingston added that he was concerned about the Mayor after hearing through his Bionic Ear what he classified as a troubling cough coming from her home late Saturday night. But she later assured him that it was only a bug she picked up from a snot nosed little brat at work.

“She doesn’t look any more sick than usual to me,” said Village Council Vice President Bob Pezdispenser. “The first sign of sickness is losing weight, so she must be as healthy as a horse.”

“A healthy horse, or that horse in Watervleit?” asked resident Rhett Damon, a former priest who’d heard rumors that the Mayor had been attacked by the cougar. “Is it a situation where we need to pray for her?”

Stan Chaddwick, the Mayor’s wife, answered, “Here in Broken Springs, we need to pray for everyone.”

Amen to that.

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