Thursday, May 11, 2006

Kingston Praises NSA Wiretapping

Tells NFBS, why didn’t I think of that?

Broken Springs Police Chief Jim Kingston has recently gone on record to publicly defend George Bush’s authorization of a controversial NSA program to collect data on tens of millions of American citizens. The federal policy was leaked to the USA Yesterday just a day after the NSA denied the Justice Department the security clearance needed to investigate potentially unlawful international wiretapping of phone calls and emails.

“Everyone’s condemning these policies,” said Kingston in a phone interview with NFBS Thursday afternoon. “But we ought to be commending them instead. It’s the wiretapping of citizens and non-citizens alike that has kept this great country safe from a terrorist attack since 2001. Those who complain about a lack of privacy deserve none. If you don’t have anything to hide, you should welcome the surveillance.”

Kingston, a former Bionic Ear user who takes pride in really listening to BS residents, has used the controversy to educate the public on the danger that law enforcement faces on a daily basis. “It’s not easy to keep America safe. It’s not any easier to keep Broken Springs safe. My heart goes out to George Bush. He can tap my phones any day, except when I’m talking about the illegalities of my Christmas Care Bear charity. But I’m sure he’s not interested in that, with all those illegal immigrants stealing the American way of life and A-rabs terrorizing us at the gas pumps…

“Knowledge is powerful, or so people tell me. The right to privacy is small potatoes compared to national security. That’s why at the next police commission meeting I’m going to request they authorize the use of the Bionic Ear that’s been in the Department closet since the mid-90s. If Bush can wiretap Americans with potential links to al-Qaida, then I should be able to eavesdrop on those pesky sidewalk supervisors and Adventist township trustees who obstructed the inalienable, god-given rights of Broken Springs citizens to flush with confidence as part of the Village Sewer Project.”

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of septic tanks?”

“Absolutely! The public needs to realize that all of these things - eavesdropping, sewers, tasers, national ID cards, etc - all of these things are for their own good. If we can control the general population, watch their every move and regulate their every flush, we can better safeguard them from criminals and terrorists who’d like to take away their freedoms.”

After he concluded his opinions, I thanked the Police Chief and bid him a good day. After he hung up, I said to the silent third party on the phone, “Got all that?”

An omninous voice on the other end answered, “Think so. But what was that bit about a Christmas charity?”

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