Saturday, May 20, 2006

Beware the Gherkins

This just in from the American Medical Association. Perhaps this is why Picklefest is no more?

Beware! Pickles raise your mortality rate. Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, in this day and age, we’ve failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucumis sativus possesses indehiscent peop, the pickle industry continues to expand, despite the real dangers they pose.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and terrorism. They also cause Syphilis. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents can and have been caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcubit family. For example:

  • Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles at some point in their lives. The effects are obviously cumulative.
  • 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
  • 98.7% of stroke victims have consumed pickles, including you know who.
  • 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
  • 96.8% of all terrorist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
  • 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.
  • 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where pickles are served frequently.

Evidence points to the long term effects of pickle eating:

  • Of the people born in 1869 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality.
  • All pickle eaters born between 1899 and 1909 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight - if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.
  • Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists: rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. The appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.
The only way to avoid the deleterious effects of pickle eating is to change the eating habits. Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has any problems from eating orchid petal soup.

Now who wants to tell those Germans in Laschau?

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