Monday, May 29, 2006

Turtle in Love with Army Helmet

Following news out of Berlin that a love sick swan has fallen for a swan shaped paddleboat, a local Broken Springs resident claims her pet turtle has fallen head over heels in love with her grandfather’s army helmet.

Gilda Goldsmith, proud parent of seven dogs, three cats, two goldfish, an iguana, and four painted turtles, claims that the oldest of her turtles is smitten with a relic that’s been in her family for decades.

“Samson is a lonely bachelor,” quips Goldsmith as she sits in her living room with two of her three cats sharing her lap. “He loves a nice swim in the pond and he used to love slow shell massages from his mommy… that’s me,” she giggles before sneering at the army helmet sitting on the end table. “But ever since I dug that old helmet out, that’s all he cares about. I believe he’s got a little crush,” she said, her voice breaking a bit. “But I’m sure when it’s passed, he’ll come back to Momma.”

Samson is four and a half years old, nearly a year older than the rest of his turtle family. According to Goldsmith, he’s never had intentions to expand the family until two days ago when she found him mounting the helmet, after she’d rummaged it out of her grandpa’s veteran materials. Acting on her first instinct, she put the helmet away until Samson started pouting and moping around the house like a heartsick teenager. Reluctantly she unpacked the helmet and let nature take its course.

“They’re inseparable,” she tells News from Broken Springs. “He won’t leave it alone for a second. He protects it, suns next to it, and even sleeps by its side. I just hope he isn’t honestly expecting it to lay his eggs.”

Goldsmith says she hasn’t seen anything this absurd since the time when her ex boyfriend fell in love with an inflatable doll. Thanks to Gilda’s PMS and a bottle of superglue, they were inseparable too.


Oil Scout said...

H'mm my old 67 Sportster had a painting of an Army helmet being mounted by a Turtle on the fuel tank. I never thought I would here about it being a real life story ;-)

Shallow Throat said...

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but News From Broken Springs is a satire site. Any connection to real life is purely coincidental. Now the swan falling in love with a swan shaped boat is real but I'm afraid I just made the turtle thing up. :)