Monday, May 08, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

Just when you thought the Taser issue was dead… or at least temporarily subdued…

Before the meeting starts, all eyes are glued to the window. Across the street, our formidable Police Chief himself is attending to business by delivering someone he later referred to as “extremely intoxicated” to the Fairy Street Apartments. According to sources this is not the first time he’s had to “take care of someone” over at the Fairy Street Apartments. But we’re guessing that the previous times were a bit more entertaining.

So when Jim Kingston arrives a couple minutes late, he is forgiven. Mayor Jan Chaddwick, however, is an unforgiven no show. She didn't even notify her best friend for life, Curly Headed Sandy that she wasn’t attending. Also conspicuously absent is Troublemaker Bob, so we’ll let our clever readers connect the scandalous dots on their whereabouts, or in the Mayor’s case… her roundabouts.

The meeting is threatening boredom as the usual practices proceed. Meeting minutes and bills are accepted. Bob Frugal, living up to his name, questions the $1476 bill for ABA Extreme Threat Level Two purchases, which the Chief explains are new bullet proof vests. The financial report and Chief’s report are delivered. As usual, the PD has been “extremely busy” keeping the streets of Broken Springs safe from 16 year old hooligans, loitering nut jobs, fleeing felons, and middle aged alcoholics.

In some clever foreshadowing, Kingston announces that the Pizza Hut Robber has been nabbed, again. Not the first one, or the second one, but the third suspect has been caught and put behind bars. Because apparently in Broken Springs it takes three people to rub a Pizza Hut. One to take the pizza, and two to grab the breadsticks and pop.

Ernie Hildecrust asks about the maintenance work done on car #5, and is informed by Chief Kingston that it needed $600 worth of repair work on its brakes and rotors.

Supervisor Hildecrust, showing a potential Ford bias despite owning a Chevy truck, asks whether the department has ever considered dropping Chevy Impalas for Ford Crown Victorias. But the Chief explains that he’s had bad experiences with Fords… and being Chevy leaners ourselves, we can only assume he wasn’t referring to bad experiences in the backseats of Fords. One need only look as far as the Nascar Nextel Cup to determine which US Automaker is better. At least until Toyota joins the competition…

Bob Frugal asks about the possibility of getting grant money to purchase new digital cameras for the squad cars. I know I’d love to see some of the digital footage uploaded online…

But the Chief doesn’t know about the grant money and would instead like to use drug money towards their purchase.

In old business, there was an impromptu shooting practice session set up on the grounds of Camp Bitz. Officer Polaski, who has long arms and short legs (but not as short as Officer Shame’s) taught the fellers a bunch of stuff about guns and shootin’ and stuff.

Officers Robbers and Allgay are to be commended for their diligent work in capturing the Pizza Hut Robber. See if he ever steals pepperoni again! He’ll have to find another way to bring home the bacon! He’s sure to get a lot of sausage while in prison! Okay, I’ll stop…

Did we mention that the people at the courthouse were in awe of the professionalism of our local police squad? Not the judges and lawyers who could barely remember the actual robbery. But the pan handlers couldn’t be more impressed and the lunch lady told us, “Well done, young whippersnappers!”

Bringing up an issue on which the entire commission are experts, Ernie Hildecrust saves the day. He says that since the PD was no longer able to get gas from Layed Low (who privatized the LSD School Busing Department) he looked into getting gas from the Barn Bureau Oil Company. They’d supply us with an above ground 1,100 gallon tank (paid for by the township, as it’d be on their property) with which to fuel our cop cars at a price of $2.62 a gallon. Kingston asked about the octane of the gas and though Hildecrust didn’t know for sure, he assumed it was 87. He asked Jim about the size of the engines in the Impala squaddies but Kingston is as knowledgeable about car engines as he is about the Internet.

In other police business, there was a B&E at the Lynchman Church. Apparently it was pesky juveniles again, hoping to steal the church’s communion wine because, being only 16, they’re not old enough to buy it legally.

Then Gordo Davis, AKA Little Napoleon, walked in nearly fifteen minutes late.

In the Hero Story of the night, Chief Kingston retells a fascinating tale illustrating the danger our officers face on a daily basis. Apparently Officer Daniel Shame, in between Subweigh runs and flirtation stops at the Coyote Watering Hole found someone broken down on the bypass. He stopped to assist and was given false ID by the car troubled man (who must’ve been driving a Ford). Then the man fled on foot, because obviously he couldn’t drive away now, could he? Thank God he wasn’t driving a Chevy or this menace would still haunt our streets. Shame gave chase and apparently the fleeing man jumped over a fence and fell down a hill. Shame, whom we can only assume was quite a distance behind given his stature and physical condition, after calling for backup and not knowing where he was, managed to arrest the suspect single handedly. The suspect suffered a dislocated shoulder and a broken wrist, which Kingston was quick to attribute to the fall he took, not by any police brutality, no siree, of course not. And everyone lived happily ever after.

I hereby proclaim my support for a very necessary piece of equipment all of our officers should be supplied with…


Yes, that’s right. With a flashlight, Officer Shame would’ve been able to see where he was running and where he was at. Furthermore, he would’ve been able to see the suspect’s fake ID and maybe even been able to catch a glimpse at the make and model of the perp’s car, thereby anticipating a foot chase.

Dear Police Commissioners,
Please give our cops the necessary equipment with which to protect themselves as they protect us. Buy them flashlights. Mag lights, preferably.

Officer Jerk arrested a boater for his 8th DUI offense at Clover Campground. Witnesses called in to complain when the intoxicated boater kept missing the boat ramp.

There was some more talk about troubled kids. A girl cried rape who’d only been knocked up by her boyfriend, some more loonies have been walking our streets bothering the normal people, etc. Apparently a Police Department groupie has been leaving long messages on the PD’s answering machine and stalking them when they take their early morning showers at the station. For the record, it's always a bit chilly in the station.

Bob Frugal asks Kingston about the possibility of hiring Rob Fishnet full time once he graduates from the Police Academy in the near future. Kingston said it’d be tight to squeeze him in so that he can repay us for funding part of his schooling. Sorry Fishnet. But look on the bright side. No one will ever be able to take that education away from you.

At this point, the meeting looked close to finished, until Hildecrust asked if anyone had anything else to say. The very tardy Davis then stood up to announce that he didn’t want to open a can of worms but…

In 34 counties who have 24/7 (sic) police coverage, we’re the only one who doesn’t have TASERS!

There it is! Tasers! The reason this blog was founded!
Tasers, tasers, how I missed you, sweet, dear taser issue.

I could hardly believe my ears as Gollum Gordo went on in his typical dramatic fascistic fashion about how the double murder in Lakeside illustrated to him that if Lakeside has tasers so should we, damnit.

Ernie Hildecrust, slightly impersonating the voice of reason, explained to Lil Nappy that the community was against tasers and anyway, they already took the taser money and used it on something else.

Smeagol himself volunteered to raise the taser money and said that if he wanted, he could fill the meeting audiences with people who supported our purchase of tasers. Many in the audience (of which I was the only renegade) agreed, saying that only a small group opposed the tasers and only because they were uneducated about them. Officer Polaski’s wife added that the only reason people don’t like tasers is because of those pesky articles the newspapers write, and we all know that the newspapers don’t bother writing the truth.

Except… she was sure to add… the Journalistic Error!

I about died laughing. After I picked myself off the floor, holding my splitting side, I heard Officer Polaski himself refer to tasers as “non-lethal.”

Now, I know I’m getting quite a laugh out of this but some things are no laughing matter. The fact that tasers have led to the deaths of over a hundred people nationwide is no laughing matter. So to Officer Polaski, please tell these people and their families that tasers are non-lethal. Go ahead, I double dog dare you.

Gordo Davis, who positively will not quit, said that when he was robbed in his own store, he was told by Justice Taylor that if he had shot his robber, he could have been sued. I think Davis’s point was that people can sue over anything, but then again, we already knew this didn’t we? Our village officials can and have sued over anything and everything, and they’ve even threatened to sue lil ole me over this this very blog you’re reading now. America is a litigatious society. Don't you just love it?

Polaski’s point was that if our cops (he being one of them) had tasers, they wouldn’t have to shoot so many people. Perhaps even that woman pumping gas wouldn’t have needed to be shot when Daniel Shame was hunting behind the gas station. But if Shame had had a taser, that suspect (who’d been arrested 44 times, Officer Polaski pointed out, and who also had in his possession marijuana and cocaine) might not have dislocated his shoulder and/or broken his wrist. We’re assuming, of course, that Officer Shame would’ve been able to hit the fleeing suspect in the dark without a flashlight. But we’re also assuming that the suspect wasn’t high on cocaine, which could cause the 50,000 volts of electricity to supercharge his heart into a fatal heart attack.

Curly Headed Sandy, who’d been silent all this time (boy was it nice) pipes in that she just recently read an article in the paper (an article I’m assuming she believed) reporting a death caused by pepper spray. Her point, I’m guessing, was that anything can kill you, so let’s give our boys hand grenades while we’re at it.

Phil Ruse, who was caught giggling at the Daniel Shame hero story just moments before, asked if it was wise for Shame to pursue the suspect on foot in the dark when he couldn’t see. Though he didn’t say a word in regard to the taser issue before then, Jim Kingston suddenly came alive, acting as though his flesh and blood had been raped. He nearly lept out of his chair and scolded Phil Ruse for his dissenting opinion, saying that we should commend Shame for his bravery, not condemn him. If that perp had gone on to murder a family, Shame would be hung out to dry.

Gordo Davis, opening the can of worms a bit more so the whole room could smell the stench, then volunteered to research the taser issue. Being the good hearted winnable journalist I am, I’m here to help Mr. Duckman. Here you are, Mr. Sonny Bonoparte… research away…

Aged 18 to 50, and physically fit corpses

A woman tasered while in diabetic shock

According to the ACLU (defenders of this website, btw), since 1999, at least 148 people in the United States and Canada have died after encounters with police who shocked them with Tasers…. However, according to Dr. Zian Tseng, cardiologist at the University of California at San Francisco, if the Taser sends its energy to the heart at the wrong time, it can indeed cause ventricular fibrillation or cardiac arrest. In addition, Roger Barr, professor of Bioengineering at Duke University, said the use of a Taser on a child can have more serious consequences than for an adult because the electrical shock delivered is not modified for a person’s smaller stature.

Just within the last day another person has died…

Would the Broken Springs Fuzz be too quick to tase, like these officers? You make the call.

There you are for now, Mr. Davis. Before you go testing the taser out “a half dozen times” on your wife, read those articles first and ask yourself, hasn’t she suffered enough already?

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