Friday, May 19, 2006


May 18th, 2006 will go down as one of the darkest days of the Chaddwick administration, as a special prosecutor was named to investigate Broken Springs Village President Jan Chaddwick’s denial of having had a stroke.

The denial came on the heels of Village resident Rhett Damon’s question regarding rumors of Chaddwick’s recent illness at a recent Village Council meeting, and the subsequent denial of these rumors by Jan Chaddwick’s husband, Stan.

In the wake of this denial, however, allegations are cropping up regarding the Chaddwick’s attempts to stifle rumors of ill health.

Damon alleges that several members of the Broken Springs Maintenance Department, also known as the “Plumbers”, have recently broken into his home in an attempt to find discrediting information on him.

“I can tell that it was Maintenance Department employees”, claims Damon, “because there were donut crumbs all over the place, they didn’t wipe their feet on my doormat, and my goldfish was molested.”

Broken County Prosecutor John Hyman has appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the allegations of governmental misconduct by President Chaddwick. “It is important that misconduct by public officials be investigated fully, completely, and without any special consideration whatsoever,” stated Hyman, “and the appointment of a special prosecutor in this case is fully warranted. Even my wife, Judge Lonna Tolling, agrees, and there are few others who are as capable of being able to bridge the often wobbly line between zealousness and misconduct as she is.”

Sources within the Special Prosecutor’s office allege that Chaddwick cannot fully account for her whereabouts during the period that Damon alleges she was incapacitated; specifically, she allegedly cannot recall what happened during an 18 ½-minute period of time. “I’m positive that nothing bad happened during this time, but it appears to have been erased from her memory,” stated Stan Chaddwick. “She very well could’ve done this by moving her right foot in, putting her right foot back, and then shaking all about; after all, that’s what it’s all about.”

Rumors of a cover-up regarding this illness have started to taint other members of Chaddwick’s inner-circle.

Village Vice-President Bob Pezdispenser has been accused by some of attempting to play “hardball” with Damon, as well as certain members of the Press, by creating an “Enemas List”.

A source within the Special Prosecutor’s office, speaking confidentially, stated that “his [Pezdispenser’s] main focus by creating this ‘Enemas List’ seems to have been to flush these troublemakers out of their caverns and insert some respect for the Chaddwicks into the public body”.

Chaddwick made an unprecedented public speech on the evening of May 18th, following the appointment of a Special Prosecutor, after being wheeled into the Broken Springs Village Hall by an attentive Stan Chaddwick, who wiped drool away from Chaddwick’s massive chin as she spoke.

Chaddwick stated, “It’sh important for the public to know whesher or not their Preshident is a vegshetable. Well, I’m not a vegeshetable. Shtan, honey: wipe.”

The appearance did little to project the powerful image that Chaddwick had hoped to create.

“It’s time to put her in the crisper, right next to the celery,” claims one longtime critic of Chaddwick. “She should be sent a ‘Cease and Desist’ letter from the tomatoes, corn, and lettuce for her defamatory attempts to impersonate them!”

Chaddwick, when informed of these comments, simply said “derderderderderderderderINI-ee-ee-ee--ee!”

The investigation remains ongoing.

NFBS thanks the esteemable reporter Celery Stalker for his reports from inside the fridge.

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