Saturday, May 27, 2006

Clock Fighting in BS?

After two badly damaged clocks were discovered in the garages of Broken Springs residents early this week, Police Chief Kingston issued a warning for villagers to be on the lookout for clock fighting operations, urging citizens to report any suspicious activity to local authorities, “any time of the day, day or night, around the uh… clock.”

The first of the two clocks was discovered as Wilma Jesper, of 311 East Carpenter Street, cleaned out her patio. She was rummaging through old household items for the community garage sale, she said, when she found the busted clock. “I didn’t think anything of it,” she told News from Broken Springs, “until I heard that Mrs. Lillywhite down the street had also found one of her clocks badly damaged. So after the two of us discussed it over coffee for an hour Wednesday morning, we decided to report it.”

“It took you an hour to discuss broken clocks?” we clarified.

“No, that part only took ten minutes. But we had to talk about the Finklesteins too. Did you hear that their daughter got pregnant by the preacher’s son? These kids today… they think safe sex is doing it with their seatbelt on.”

“So about the clocks…?” we asked.

Mrs. Lillywhite continues where Mrs. Jesper left off. “Jimmy came right over. After only glancing at our two clocks, he knew something was wrong. He took them down to the station to be autopsied. Then he told us to lock our doors at night and change our security codes on our house alarms. He also told us that the Finklestein girl was going to have an abortion, according to the church pianist.”

“So about the clocks…?” we asked again.

“Clock fighting is a very serious problem that threatens even small communities like ours,” explained the Chief “Let me warn you. The pictures you’re about to see are disturbing,“ he said as he displayed them across his evidence table. “As you can see, these clocks didn’t stand a chance. They didn’t have a hand to stand on. Their time had run out.”

“Are there other clocks in Broken Springs that have fallen victim to this sadistic practice?” we asked.

“I’m certain of it,” declared the Chief. “These criminals will tell you that what they do is harmless, that all they’re doing is killing time. But once I get my hands on them, they’ll be doing time instead of killing it.”

Clock fighting, which is illegal in 47 states including Michigan, is a form of entertainment not unlike dog fighting, where two clocks face off in a battle usually to the death. Hands often get busted, bells get rung, and eventually the loser’s guts spill out. Some fights take hours, others only minutes before one of the two clocks ticks its last tock.

If any BS resident suspects their neighbors of clock fighting, they’re encouraged to call the police immediately. Kingston especially warned residents to keep their ears open for desperate sounding alarms, and sickly cuckoos.

*no clocks were harmed in the writing of this article*

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