Election Round Up

August 7th is election day in Broken Springs and just because our town is broken doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to elect our best and brightest to try to unbreak our town a little more. There are some real doozies running locally, so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here is an information guide that might help you decide the lesser of two evils to vote for.

Running to replace his daddy for Supervisor of Onoyoko Township is Mike Hildecrust, who shall henceforth be dubbed Baby Hildecrest. His opponent is August Zipke, who by all accounts, could use some more zip in his ke. Baby Hildecrust has served on the planning commission and August is currently already on the township board. The big controversy over this race has something to do with dirt, that is gravel, and who is allowed to mine it, where, and why. Frankly I haven’t been following close enough attention to the details but here is what I’ve dug up on the dirt issue. Baby Hildecrust, as illustrated by our compatriot and former rabble rouser Troublemaker Boob’s recent letter to the Editor in Sunday’s edition of the Herald Republican, insists that there’s no conflict of interest in having a gravel pit of his own while legislating other gravel pits in the area. And who can disagree with him? That’d be like Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas recusing himself from the Health Care debate simply because of his wife’s activism as a Tea Partyist in trying to repeal Obamacare. And we all know that didn’t happen.

August Zipke is Baby Hildecrust’s opponent, and I fortunately don’t know much about him other than that he hasn’t done any damage to the town as an Onoyoko Township board member. At least not so far. The only thing I really know about him is that he’s indirectly named after the first Roman Emperor who was very conservative, yet despite that character flaw, was a successful Roman Emperor all the same. According to the Journalistic Error, Zipke is also a card carrying member of the NRA, which means he’s a straight shooter - except in the bathroom, according to our very private sources.

So the choice is between the son of a successful supervisor with shady political conflicts of interest and a political softy with a shady connection to the nation’s most destructive and powerful lobbying group. Who is less evil? I will hold my nose and vote for Zipke.

The race for Clerk is also a controversial one, between current clerk Sue Frettin and Wildlife expert Dick Finkel. Both candidates have been accused of wanting to evolve Broken Springs into a metropolis - a position I vehemently oppose because the lines are already too long at our Taco Bell. But I can’t blame politicians for wanting to bring more taxpayers to our town (soon to be city), since it might someday raise their salaries. Frettin has 11 years experience as Township Clerk and her supporters keep bringing that up as if to imply that makes her the only one qualified for the job. Personally I think she’s done a pretty okay job and I’ve been impressed with her intelligence and independence in the past but she lacks one very important thing which Finkel does not - an Obama sign in her front yard. According to a letter to the editor in this week’s Journalistic Error, Dick Finkel is a closeted Homodemocrat. Mr. Finkel might be running as a Republican, but last election cycle was spotted sporting an Obama Yard sign (gasp!). This was much cause for concern for the letter writer who shall remain nameless (because I can’t remember his name) but for me, an Obama Yard Sign signifies that the Fink might just be a supporter of those radical notions like civil rights, humane treatment of the poor and female, and environmentalism. Although I personally like Sue Frettin, until she demonstrates such higher knowledge of national politics, I have to fly with the wildlife enthusiast.

The races for Trustee are a bit harder to figure out, as it’s difficult to find four people running who are worth voting for. I only wish Dorothy Hildecrust (no relation to Ernie or Baby Hildecrust) was still running so I would only have to choose three lesser of evils. Please check back tomorrow for my trustee election picks.