Monday, June 12, 2006

Police Commission Meeting

It was fairly evident soon after entering Township Hall that El Gordo Davis dropped the ball in his promise to fill the room with a pro-taser audience. There were a dozen chairs set up, no more, no less.

It was almost as evident once the meeting started that Mayor Jan Chaddwick had regained all of her motor functions after the stroke she didn’t have. She seemed as healthy as a buffalo… er, I mean horse. But she did look a little blue in the wardrobe. It’s entirely possible, however, that her ailments are invisible to the naked eye because before the meeting started she asked if they could talk about gas. Flatulence is nothing to be ashamed of, Jan No need to sugar coat it and call it ‘fuel.’

In fact, little Nappy El Gordo Davis wasn’t in the room when the meeting started. Let’s just say he must have his watch set to BPT, or NPT as Kingston might call it. When he does show up, he leaned so close to Journalistic Error editoress Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarscallthecops I half expected them to lock lips. He was showing her a picture of an alligator so I can only assume that he’s been doing some genealogical research.

In the Chief’s report, Kingston said it was “business as usual,” which means the Broken Springs police spent another month catching wayward juvies vandalizing parks, Adventists trafficking wacky weed, and keeping the streets of Broken Springs safe from escaped buffalo.

The Commission, because it's such a tease, flirted with the idea of discussing a couple different policies. But then they said they had a headache and curled up on their side of the bed.

A big NFBS congrats to Rob Fishnet for graduating from the Police Academy. And our deepest sympathies for being demoted to Daniel Shame's partner. His last partner was a dog, which might explain why he keeps asking you to lick his face.

Ernie Hildecrust, in his infinite wisdom, tells Kingston that he and his officers are on the honor system when it comes to filling up their gas tanks from the newly delivered fuel tanks. Kingston responded by saying that it “goes without saying.” But if it truly goes without saying, would there have been reason for Ernie to say it to begin with? The mind boggles.

Kingston then reminded everyone of the upcoming millage, encouraging those in attendance to support it. Ernie reassured the crowd that Cathy Pullonhertoeifshehollarsshootthebuffalo will probably write a good propaganda piece in the weakly rag. She nods in approval.

Then a few tears were shed over the loss of David Polaski, who’s been hired on to the county department (where they have the tasers he so wanted). The Mayor expressed relief that he’s still working around the area, and the Commission ruefully reminisced about all the training they financed for him. Officer Kork will now be the department’s primary firearms instructor. One wonders why responsibility doesn’t go to Daniel Shame, since he’s so skilled at hitting women pumping gas, not to mention all of his archery qualifications.

The big story of the night is the tale of two buffalo. They’d escaped a four and a half foot fence. One was 1700 lbs and the other was 1200 lbs which means they were nearly twice as big as the Mayor and obviously as dangerous to the community at large. A man’s burro was attacked and his ass was grass. The Broken Springs Police were given no option, other than calling animal control and tranquilizing the beasts, but to shoot the animals. So in their limitless pursuit of public safety, and also because they wanted to make sure their guns still worked, they shot and killed the two buffalo in Puchanan Township. The rumor that it took them 17 shots to hit the unarmed animals is unsubstantiated. It may have been many more than that.

Ernie Hildecrust then made the comment that our police force really “shoots the bull,” which is quite witty for a man of his age, wouldn’t you say? Perhaps he’d like a regular column in NFBS?

He’s probably just still feeling the contact high from the drug bust in his backyard. Apparently some University students were caught trafficking drugs out near Hildecrust Holes. Police also caught the juvy who’d been vandalizing the Groping Park bathrooms. It’s amazing how much damage one set of hands can cause. But enough about the Police Chief…

The meeting was adjourned at 7:20, which means it was - yet again - a waste of a change of underwear.

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