Ryan Newman Day

Governor Jennifer Granholm declared Tuesday, June 6th Ryan Newman Day and one small Michiana community celebrated in a fashion all their own.

Broken Springs, a village of under two thousand once known for the size of their big pickles, decided to honor the NASCAR Nextel Cup driver with a parade downtown and a NASCAR picnic later on in the evening. But parade goers were in for a surprise when the middle part of the parade decided to drag race down the streets of Broken Springs, emulating Ryan Newman himself. Only they didn’t crash. Broken Springs police issued several citations before the parade ended and several others were “black flagged” for speeding on Pitt Road. No, they weren’t coming in for tires or a gas and go (although Sam Beadle did have refried beans for lunch). The black flagged violators were going over 25 mph on Pitt Road, near the Laundromat.

Amidst rising smog levels in Broken Springs, not including the sky rocketing gasoline prices, the quaint little village of 1800 and dropping enjoyed grilled bratwurst and saurkraut after the parade crossed the checkered flag. The winner of the parade was a Niles resident named Quinesha Jones who claimed she was just trying to avoid the profiling Broken Springs police. At the finish line she was given a bottle of Asti Spumante, which she shook up and sprayed on the screaming spectators while standing atop her ‘84 Chevy Nova. Unfortunately she couldn’t stay for the rest of the ceremonies due to other obligations she described as “a screaming baby at home being watched by my a&*hole brother-in-law who’s probably passed out by now.” But when she sped away with the champagne gripped tightly in her lime green polished fingernails, she was promptly arrested for possession of open intoxicants by Broken Springs police.

The fun was not over in Broken Springs. In typical NASCAR fashion, many drunk rednecks got into punch throwing arguments over whose favorite driver was bigger and better both on and off the track. “Cryin’” Ryan Newman, one of the few Nextel Cup drivers with a college education, is a fan favorite of very few Broken Springers. His grasp of the English language, combined with his pudgy figure attributes most to his unpopularity. But BS residents largely agree that all he has to do is throw a few tantrums like Tony Stewart and he’d be sure to increase his fan base.

The first annual “Ryan Newman Day” in Broken Springs ended with a victory lap around the town, led by a caravan of Broken Springs officials, including the Police Chief and Mayor. Chief Kingston told News from Broken Springs that he hadn’t had so much fun since he was tasered before the Police Commission. Mayor Chaddwick agreed that the day was full of excitement. “We could hardly keep her in her wheelchair,” said her husband, Stan.

God help us if we ever have a “Ted Nugent Day.”